Lengthy introduction here, feel free to skip past the italics.

A precursor to my experience with DMT.
May 04 2011
One day prior to cinco de mayo. I have decided that I will most certainly partake in the DMT experience. I have read DMT: The Spirit Molecule and watched the documentary of the same name which is based upon the book. I have read several trip experiences, an overwhelming amount of them are positive. I have heard very few negative reports, my friend Travis told me his experience was scary and described it as a "bad trip" however his narration of the experience lacked the conviction I would associate with someone who has experienced true fear, as I have on many occasions. My anxiety has been historically awful since I was circa fourteen to fifteen years old. The initial panic attack manifested itself during what I would consider a normal shot of social anxiety, the details of the social anxiety are irrelevant, what is relevant however is the fact that Marijuana a mild hallucinogen was the catalyst. Since that time being high on Marijuana has instantly triggered anxiety in me. During the THC high I am overwhelmed with thoughts of death and dying, accompanied by extravagant and morbid fears concerning the functioning and malfunctioning of internal organs, most often the heart and aorta.

After years of introspection I have hypothesized that my anxiety stems from a fear of death, not of organ malfunction. Organ malfunction is simply an easy way to imagine dying spontaneously which serves as an elevator for the true monster behind the curtain, oblivion.

As of this moment I am twenty-six years old and am in excellent physical condition as far as I can tell, although I am not a doctor. I have spent several years prior to my recent inactivity either working out or grappling at Brazillian Jiu Jitsu classes. While I was exercising or grappling my heart rate would increase normally with the amount of physical energy I exerted, so to the point some times at the end of grappling matches my heart would feel as if it were pounding out of my chest. The hearts of the men I was grappling with would also often be beating this hard around the end of the session, when I say this I mean to emphasize a very very fast paced and strong heart beat. I feel if I had some sort of heart defect, or weak heart, that I would have suffered some sort of stroke or mild heart attack during rigorous exercise. So far nothing like that has ever happened, yet my fear tends to remain. I made a very conscious effort recently to stifle my fears, trying to allow them to pass rather than fight them. When the fear comes on I embrace and accept it as out of my control, in this fealty there is peace of mind.

I am not certain as to how I feel in regards to the unimaginable experience that lies in front of me, however, I can not live life and respect myself without taking my mind to it's limits. I expect either total fear or total acceptance in my trip. My sense of self and ego are enormously robust and I have a very hard time accepting the fact that some day I will not exist. The idea of being so far gone into an entheogenic experience that the self is forgotten sounds unreal.

My plan for consumption is to ingest 5-15 mg of xanax prior to the trip and possible one shot of liquor or a beer. The combination of alcohol and xanax make a very powerful anti anxiety combination. Reading on the internet some people had concerns about the strains on the cardiovascular system from the rise in blood pressure with the mix of a benzodiazepene in the system, but as a twenty-six year old man in above average physical condition I feel like I will be safe. I can only wait and find out how this will effect me. Will I experience something truly profound? Or will the nature of my critical and skeptical mind find flaws in the experience? I have no idea and I am fully aware that I can not be prepared for what is going to happen, therefor I can only arm myself with "no expectations..." a fist full of xanax and little bit of hard liquor and we shall see how this goes.

My first trip did indeed begin with a few shots of rum and half a Xanax bar. It was a wonderful experience and really helped me assimilate into DMT space without fear, my first thoughts when my vibrations changed were "this feels completely organic and natural, I could never be afraid of this." Since this time I have ingested DMT more times than I can count. I read many trip accounts and most of them had a feeling of reverence to them, and during the read I really felt as if DMT to most people was no more than at most a once weekly thing. My approach after a few months became completely different.

While I have gone to DMT space many, many times I do not believe I have ever had a massive break through. At my most intense peak I was shown a stargate by a beaked egyption pharaoh looking entity that was the flower of life in a double torus pulsating in rainbow colors. If you do not know what I mean by double torus I suggest googling it the search "double torus earth" in google images will provide you with an image of the structure I'm describing. In this experience the entity did not talk to me I simply basked in the awe of the structure.

Aside from lack of what I feel is a significant breakthrough I have taken a different approach to life and DMT. I began a few months ago smoking DMT out of a light bulb at regular intervals throughout the day, strangely I've found the one hour waiting rule does not really apply when ingested in this manner. I will smoke a good toke or so and then simply observe my surroundings. My goal has been to awaken my pineal gland through continuous exercise of it via DMT. I can say with confidence that since I have taken this approach I have had some beautiful revelations come on during random phases of very intense feelings of love, feelings so strong I've broken into tears. During one of these sober experiences it was communicated to me emotionally that we humans are the seeds of consciousness, we are here to become self aware and grow into the next stage of consciousness. In order for our consciousness to flower we must first become truly self aware. The rest of the consciousness in higher dimensions views us as children. Much like real seeds not all of us have a chance to flower, those spirits are then put back into the stream and recycled in a system of re-embodiment. It has also been communicated to me emotionally that appreciation of beauty and true love are the highest frequencies we can experience and are key in self-awareness and spiritual ascension.

I have also experimented with viewing people while on DMT. I have only done this with my girlfriend who I love with all my heart. After inhaling a few hits I put my head to hers, ear to ear and I can see inside her body and mind. She is full of purple coils and geometric shapes, her soul does not simply inhabit her body or head, but everything she is attached to even the clothes she wears, her hair as well. Everything that you wear, everything that you are your soul inhabits. This was a revelation to me, she has synthetic dreads and her spirit was completely in them as well. I realized suddenly that I had a very limited and skeptical view of the soul. I strongly suggest trying this type of experience, they are unique and very intimate.

There are a few more experiences that I've had but I'd like to save those for another time. I'm curious if anyone else has experimented in this way?