Hello Nexus. I'd like to share my most recent three (of a total of 5) DMT experiences. The first two "breakthrough" experiences were utterly astounding, beyond anything I could have conceived, and doubtlessly impossible to articulate in language. I feel confidant placing them into the category of what's been termed "the breakthrough" because these experiences were so completely, utterly different from my initial meddlings and attempts with this incredible substance (or indeed any previous psychedelic-related experiences I've had), and just beyond awe-inspiring. The third and most recent experience was, however, quite difficult (to say the least) and a lesson on the importance of carefully attending to one's prior set and setting...I hope to receive some feedback, criticism, and help in integrating these experiences.
THE GOOD:
The first two experiences of the DMT flash that I underwent were two of the most astonishing, incredibly profound – and incredibly bizarre - experiences of my life thus far. I guarantee my words will fail to do it any justice.
Sometime directly after the typical threshold and "come-up" phenomena - the intensification of awareness, colors, rushing sounds, and various closed-eye visual patterns that occurs when one finishes toking on his pipe - there was a short lapse in my awareness, and the very next thing I experienced was a bursting through into what I can only describe as previously hidden pocket, or dimension, of a somewhat rounded "space". The dimensions and size of this realm, while not totally discernible to me, were constantly morphing. The space quickly became more expansive, geometrically decompartmentalizing at the corners or edges and opening itself into to even larger spaces beyond. In order to perceive this space's expansion, it seemed that my field of vision had somehow become expanded as well. It was as if my very perception "opened up," and I could view this vast chamber from beyond my periphery.
However, this space or realm was not empty. It was teeming with information that was composed of luminous, vibratory energies - the content of which was infinitely complex, multidimensional, and wholly unlike anything in the ordinary world, as well as unlike anything I have previously witnessed on psychedelics. But it wasn't merely abstract "stuff." It was highly coherent and laden with meaning, and was spontaneously manifesting all around me - forms flooding my awareness. It is difficult bring back in memory precisely what this torrent of information consisted of, but it has made me think of the so-called "Platonic Ideas." It was a kind of cosmic, archetype-spewing creatrix, and I was lucky enough to have front-row seats!
Soon, however, it seemed that everything began to settle into particular "theme." I realized now that the space was also
inhabited by several extremely curious beings. They were a combination of elf, alien, and hyperspatial technology - but of course these are all words. Their features, movements, and interactions were beyond anything I could have imagined in my wildest dreams. They had odd pointy facial features (if it was a face!), conical heads and bodies, and came in a range of vivid colors – again, it's difficult to articulate exactly what they looked like. Some of them (one or two) rushed up to me, dancing and flailing their arms and hands right in front of my own face. Some of them actually pressed their hands upon my head and face as if to stabilize my awareness, either for their own examination of me, or to fix my attention upon them. Others were undergoing liquid like transformations in the background, moving in ways that were endlessly fascinating and bizarre.
They were also speaking in an audible language, or at least were producing odd series of noises. Of course, I didn't understand any of this in the slightest bit, but overlaid on top these sounds, they seemed to be sending "meaning" to me telepathically. Among other things I can't recall very well, the said, to my amazement, that I had been here before, that a part of me in some sense always existed in this realm. They were urging me to "remember." Indeed, one of the most profound aspects of this experience was its eerie familiarity. As soon as I was "there", I thought: “Oh, yes!" This! How could I have forgotten this? I know this place. I remember these things..." Immersed in this state, I felt a strong intuition that this realm was the realm within which my consciousness existed just prior to birth, immediately after my death, and, in fact, where part of it exists all the time while I am alive – like a holding area that exists outside and parallel to my ordinary, waking-state stream of consciousness.
Obviously a large ontological pill to swallow! Nevertheless, these visions were SO realistic that I found it very difficult (and I'm still finding it difficult) to doubt that they had some sort of mind-independent reality.
I slowly drifted back from the DMT flash, briefly passing through a soft, womblike white room (which seems to have been described by others elsewhere on the Nexus). I was literally crying tears of amazement, saying “wow, wow, WOW!” over and over again. I could feel my personal memories, thoughts, habits, and ego-narrative coalescing back into my awareness. A half to an hour later I was completely back to "normal". I was absolutely astonished!
Since then, I've been thinking about this experience quite a lot, and about how to make sense of it. Naturally, I'm experiencing some ongoing cognitive dissonance about all of this! What, exactly, just happened?!
Two days afterward I underwent a second breakthrough experience, and again I experienced the same sense of familiarity and purpose/meaning, with all doubts vanishing instantly (if anything the second experience was even more vivid/intense, and somewhat of a continuation of the first). It occurred to me then, that perhaps the only way to truly know about the nature of a DMT experience is to experience it directly for oneself. Simply by thinking rationally about it can only get one so far. In other words, “just shut up and look." Of course, upon reentry into embodied, waking awareness, with memory quickly fading, a lot of skepticism I harbored returned. However, it's undeniable that these experiences left an indelible mark on me, and I simply cannot shake the sense that I have learned something highly significant about the world.
THE SLAP:
[Previously, I've had very limited experience with psychedelic substances: Twice in the past, I had taken a moderate doses of psilocybin. Based on these encounters with this particular psychedelic, I found it difficult to fathom the possibility that one could indeed find him/herself helpless in the throes of a so-called “bad trip.” After all: for me, the most negative effects of psilocybin were the feelings of restlessness and agitation that accompanied the comedown. Needless to say, I was quite naïve when it came to DMT.]
Unfortunately, the most recent of my excursions with DMT was disastrous, to say the very least. I'm not going to get into the details, because I simply do not want to go through efforts of recalling such memories right now (I know I'll have to eventually).
My experience was, and this is no exaggeration, hellish. An eternity of hell. Terror and confusion unlike anything I have ever known. Violent. I thought I overdosed. Maybe I did – I realized later I may have stupidly tried to smoke around 60 mg, partly by weighing accident. I began to hyperventilate. I felt like I was dying – my heart was racing, irregularly pounding in my rib cage, my body temperature rising. I almost vomited into my mouth and struggled to choke it back down. I panicked and thought, “This is what it is like to die while tripping."
At first, I tried to ride with it, just like I had coached myself if I ever happen to find myself in such a drug induced hell. My thoughts were, “Death is inevitable: Why not succumb to to it now and finally see where it takes me?” But images of the people I loved and who loved me welled up in my mind, and I realized how sad they would be if I croaked prematurely, and in this way. I felt as if, in this bout of irresponsibility and stupidity, that I would be committing a mortal sin against them. So I resisted death, and instead found myself in a hellish state.
Of course, this the opposite of good psychedelic advice. And to make matters worse, I thought about the time: “Just 10 minutes...The drug will be completely metabolized in 10 minutes”, I tried to reason. Grasping desperately for a way out, I tried to visualize myself as an adept meditator (which I was not), unmoved by all of the objects that were tormenting me. Eventually, it abated. I lay down for an hour on the hard floor panting, stunned, feeling confused and betrayed by the very substance I had so revered days before.
Right now, as I am finishing writing this, I realize this is powerful, substance with multifaceted effects. There's more that needs to be explored through this substance. But I need to take a break and evaluate my "set" and "setting", what might have led to this latter experience.
I would greatly appreciate it if some of you more experienced Nexians could offer me some advice on how to integrate these experiences, and especially how re-approach this substance safely, in such a way that reduces the possibility of having a “bad trip”. Also, I would be very interested to hear about your various perspectives on DMT experiences, and how you arrived at those conclusions, however tentative they may be.
EDIT: Around a month after this was posted, I made another attempt, going very slowly.
The return was glorious...Hooray!
