I think it's interesting how many people associate love with some sort of permanence or commentary on long-term feelings/relationships/etc.

This is something I've been pondering a bit lately as I've felt my own definition of/feeling of/relationship with love change over the past 5 years or so, but more drastically recently. To love something should not be a commentary on how long that love will last, or a commitment to anything...it's simply a statement of an emotional state.

Perhaps to tell someone you love them, only to leave them a short time later causes increased pain...but what are the effects (on you...on them) of not sharing or expressing that emotion at all?

I went through years where I never told people I loved them because I was frightened of the long term implications and I feel it had a very negative effect on my life. So much so that when I had a mushroom experience while grappling with some of these in the immediacy of the events that precipitated them, the main thing that the mushroom voices repeated to me over and over again was, "People are not psychic...tell them you love them."



As to when to use "the L word"...I think when you feel the emotion and wish to share that you feel that emotion with a person about whom you feel it

I think snozzleberry hit the nail on the head with not sharing how you really feel. Maybe it's other peoples problems combined with social conditioning to a word and what it really means, an expression of emotion, it shouldnt mean oh were together forever now and everything's so very serious! I dont think we humans, the majority, are naturally monogamous anyway. Maybe its just my age or where I am in life at the moment having just come out of a 6 year relationship. Im loving my new found freedom but I also love my ex partner and always will, wether im with her or not. I just dont think if you love someone you owe them your life and have to be with them just because you love them, try explaining that to some people though!

Yes I agree with all of that actually.

Sadly that's how western society views the word though. This being the case, it can have detrimental effects (as I've mentioned) if not used with caution.

SnozzleBerry,

Love the picture!

I found this page on my phone, downloaded the pic, then sent it to my girl and told her I love her

She got a kick out of it!

I love you guys

I tell you I love you if I love you, enough said.

Ah - I recall that in a certain family of languages in SE Asia, there are multiple phrases that translate to "I Love You" in English. One is "I love you" as a family member, one is "I love you" but is used less as an indicator of deep emotion and more as a political maneuver (such as for fleecing foreign boyfriends, as in "I love you, can you give me 500 Euro for our sick buffalo" ), and one which means what the English "I love you" means, and is considered more or less inviolable - if they say that and don't mean it, it's like lying to Buddha. I was told this by a friend who also enjoying dating Asians (as I do, I like their graceful ways), who warned about the various meanings that "I love you" might mean when they say it and encouraged learning the local versions of "I love you".

As for the topic, "say what you feel and don't hold back".

It can be confusing in french:

The difference between I Love you and I like you is the word "well";

Je t'aime (I love you)

Je t'aime bien (Ilove you well/I like you)

Saying I love you is tricky in french, but telling someone you don't, or that you like them a lot, can get very confusing if you mess up the phrasing a bit (especially if they love you!).

I tend to "fall in love" quite easily, so i have to be careful when I choose to say it - because I can also fall out of love quite easily if not enough time has passed... so on the (too) few occasions I have wanted to say it the first time, i hold back and wait and bite my tongue for months. Because, social conditioning or not, people have expectations when they hear it, and it is a volatile game of emotions at play, so waiting for me is a move to spare the other a fickle change of heart on my part, and to assure that what i want to mean by it is what i really mean, and that it will most likely be understood that way by the other.

I am in a situation right now where I would love to tell the woman I am with that i love her, and I do love her, right now, but have no idea if circumstances, distance, age difference, cultural differences and just day to day logistics (kids, different cities, careers, ambitions) will allow me to continue nourishing this love - and, frankly, I am not sure if i want to either (sucks being mature sometimes!).

And I also love another, at the same time. So, at the moment, saying i love you, as heartfelt as it is, would be reckless and in no ones best interest (there's that damn maturity thing interfering again!)

Then, of course, there's the other little guy on my other shoulder saying:

"you idiot, you're over-thinking this, AGAIN - tell her you love her and let the chips fall where they may!"

Why is it we can never tell angels from devils until after the fact, after we act?

...oh, and she's french

Cheers,
JBArk

Thats great I will pass that onto my friend, I also love the asians and their graceful kind ways, so much more appealing than the the majority their scottish counterparts LOL

Did someone say je'taime? LOL

Just wanted to bump this as it was just reemphasized to me.

"People are not psychic...tell them you love them."

Ram Dass has a very interesting take on the idea of love. Discussing our romantic love towards one another as being something more of an addiction than love, he explains the way you can tell the difference, is the idea of how one expresses their love for the other, by saying "I love him, or i love her". If we're to look at the foundation of love, we first need to discuss what we mean by love? For unconditional love isn't in need of being expressed as an "i love you" statement, but is rather more a statement of "we are love". Romantic relationships open up a part of our being which allows us to experience this state of love, however, it is achieved through an external source, which creates the confusion that this love is created by him/her, and therefore, we become addicted to that being whom has opened up the dimension within ourselves, when we are around them.

To be of an unconditional nature, we are to ask nothing in return for our expression of love towards others, for it is infinite in its power, force and energy, and therefore, needs nothing back. One can give unconditionally and feel even more invigorated than before their action took place. One can express their love unconditionally through poetry, and have that feeling more deeply than they did before. Unconditional love asks nothing in return, and therefore feels no need to be expressed in words.

To tell someone you love them, is to ultimately first recognise what that love means. If it is unconditional love, then never is it too early, for you love everyone and thing, and therefore it is just an expression of the beloved. You love a tree as much as you love your spouse. However, there is a differentiation in romantic love, as it is based on our needs and wants, and therefore, to say I love you, is more of a "you really turn me on, and i want to spend my life with you" kind of vibe, in which case, maybe you're just falling in love with the idea of them as they meet your needs. To be in love together is the goal, and to be in love together, you won't even need to say "i love you" for in every moment you will both be an expression of Love itself. Then its just a dance which the two of you can play, and yes, if that includes communicating that feeling through the words "i love you" how brilliant!!!

I understand love as being an irrational force binding you to someone else. I say "irrational" because I would call all of the rational reasons I have for being with someone reasons that I like them: All the reasons that I like a person can be formatted as traits that I can pinpoint which attract me or bring me pleasure. Love, on the other hand, transcends the logical reasons that we stay with someone and it is stronger than liking someone, so much so that we are likely to stay with someone we love even if we don't like them anymore. Due to that realization, I am wary of love. I would like to have a large body of evidence for why I should be with a particular person because, if I have that, then I don't need love - I don't need an irrational attachment to bind me to that person. (Love is still inevitable, of course)

I think that it's impossible to verify that you love someone if you like them immensely. It isn't until you start liking them less that you can probe the remaining attachment due to love. Therefore I know that I am in love when I have legitimate suspicions of incompatibility with a partner but I stay with them anyway.

All that being said, I think it's okay to say "I love you" when you like someone immensely. It may be a lie, but even you won't know that until later.

A story: I was lying next to a woman once who whispered in my ear "I just want to test something out: I love you". It felt good to hear that, and it felt good to say it. So, at the end of the day, the L word should be used whenever it will make you feel good, but I think it should NOT be used when you only think it will make the other person feel good.