so please bear with me, I'm keen to hear your thoughts

Long version below, read it if you have the patience! but the second post aims to summarise what I'm talking about


here's a story

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I was always in it for the travel. I've seen many amazing things, made some beautiful friends and been to awe inspiring universes. The bridge has allowed me to tinker with my inner workings, overcome paranoia for one (I broke the machine elves workbench in one of my rooms, I might have even killed one - I left before I got to find out). Not that I was ever overly paranoid, but it was a recurring negative aspect of many journeys. I guess they never fixed that bench because that part of me never came back (or at least, I recognise it for what it was.. (is))

A few years ago I confused things for myself and had to take a leave of absence in the interest of self-preservation. It wasn't the bridge, I think if I made a mistake there it'd be full lockdown, at least till my body could let go. no, just some vile dxm and 2ce experiment that went horribly wrong. Thankfully my energy stayed colourful and I strengthened there after. I acquired abilities I never possessed before, and became a new version of myself - but I most certainly was not allowed see my friends anymore.. I was being firmly told to stay in the corner, face the wall. The way things work never ceases to amaze me, I've done more than I could ever have dreamed and it's still early days. The 'mistake' afforded me focus and attention to details in the way I proceeded throughout the past years, all in all I wouldn't have wished it any other way. If there's one thing I've learnt it's that tryptamines = soul, phenylethylamines = body. But that's just me, and might not be your experience whatsoever. I don't really read at all (books that is) so this is all only based on my observations. Point for me is dxm=access to 2ce=body, I seriously messed something up there

Nonetheless, every time I'm there (back to the bridge), it's that same feeling of infancy, blissful comfort like this is where I've always been. Is this where I came from? Is this where I belong? is this where I am? I used to go there to ask these questions, maybe I've been missing the point. It's been about 4 years, and I went out for a walk with a great old friend. I got a very clear sign that the guard had resided and I could turn around - this is something of a pinnacle moment for me, and I am so happy to say hello. So we ate, probably too much. I've broken through on dmt maybe a hundred or more times, this time though I broke through on mushrooms. It started at a DMT breakthrough (little slower, but I knew I was in for a big one). It soon escalated from there. Probably the worst part was losing everything. Time was taken away and with that everything went. No time meant no ability to remember. No time meant I didn't know where I was or how I got there, I lost every material possession I had, and I lost all my family and friends. I had one big friggin finger pointed directly at me, pinning me down at the bridge and ripping every shred of identity I had apart. I had no strength to fight it, and it was hard to let go. Ego death at its most terrifying, and all the time in the world to feel the pain (because time didn't exist, so everything was endless). In fact, I loved every bit of it. Like I said, it was hard to let go, but letting go and realising that all that matters is the only thing that matters is what's right in front of me.. well, you could have just said that. But I know, I asked, and you replied. and what a liberating experience it was, but thankfully, I began to remember

It turned dark, and I became depressed
I became depressed because for a moment, I remembered everything I had, and realised that everything was gone, and I didn't know if it was ever coming back (next time I'll write myself a note, and save myself the trouble). I was stripped naked and bare, not even a shell remained, more like a small green bean at the mercy of all the forces and energies that exist. They didn't stomp on me, they said get up and fight. I summed up all the energy I had, little green bean, not a whole lot. But, I fought. I started to remember in detail (time to piece the fragments together), the studio, family, but again they were taken from me. I had to psych myself up for the fight of a lifetime, and I can't express in words how hard this was or how powerful I was at that moment. I never imagined any being could be that powerful, let alone me. I battled, I have everything I knew and cared for on the line. The more I fought, the stronger I became. Air filled my lungs again and the more I air I took in, the further I reeled myself back in. I tested the moment just for curiosity, and let my thoughts get the better of me. I forgot to breathe, and I fell back down. But at this point I had already won the fight, because I remembered

I was fighting for was recognition.
I know the universe recognises me, But do I recognise me?
Big fat yes thankyou very much. Sometimes we forget just how special we are




So, I'll get to the point

'They', they are the same as us
We have capsules to carry our energy in (for now), maybe they do too, not sure, not the point
'THEY' had nothing to do with this

I had everything to do with this.
The feeling of infancy, at the bridge, I love this with all my heart because
It's where I came from, and where I will go once this is all over

The cycle of reincarnation exists here, someday my energy will go somewhere else

It was me that chooses to go back there, every time
Every time I load up on rocket fuel (dmt), I set myself up for the furthest reach I can handle because it is ME that desires for the intoxicating beauty of selflessness, forget everything you think you are, want to be, did do, didn't do

Just to 'forget' for that moment, and live as nothing but pure vibrating energy is the lure
I can forget when I'm there, because energy will always be. It will never disappear - no shelf life! no time! It's starting to make sense

DMT, fine, rocket launch out, sling shot back
But deep ayahuasca experiences, immersive mushroom breakthroughs..


THE QUESTION IS

If I leave for long enough..
And if I forget, for long enough

At the bridge..

Will I choose to go the other way?



At least this time, that big mother f'ker with the silly large finger..
I think he was asking me if that's really what I want

I was pleading NO,
I was shouting I don't want to lose all the things that I know and love

He gave me time which afforded me the opportunity to realise for myself that I need to come back, I'm not through with this existance yet. A huge component of who I am craves to exist, and get every second I can out of this life, and I am so thankful that I remember this every day.

I don't ever want to forget that
And for what it's worth, I'm a little afraid that if I do, for long enough.. ???


Thanks for reading
Please share your thoughts

So in case that's all a little too indistinct, here's a summary:

-I'm a happy person and I love life, the good and the bad
-In many of my journeys, I've been to this place I call the bridge, the tryptamines get me there (all of them, and it's always the same bridge)
-I feel it's clear that this bridge is the point where my energy meets my identity (both physical and mental components)
-I sometimes feel very clearly that I could venture to the other side of this bridge, however anytime I've headed in that direction I've either been stopped or stopped myself
-I don't really want to go to the other side, and I feel putting myself that close definitely makes it a possibility
-I feel that the other side would not be a good place to go

I'm sure many of you have ventured to this point.
It's usually where ego death reaches completion, and you (as you know yourself) no longer exist, but you exist as nothing but pure energy. Of course this is all so personal, but I'd like to think we're exploring the things


I'm really interested to know

-who else has been here?
-what kind of feeling have you gotten from being here?
-have you ever, with full certainty, gone to the other side?
-have you been stopped too?


My concern if not already clear is death, possession, vegetable'ism, etc.. nooo thankyou!

Not that my thought has any foundation whatsoever, like I said, many travels in many directions with a wide range of fuels never heard of anything like what I'm talking about so lets just say I'm making it all up - please don't let anything I say deter you from trying!

but perhaps, I'm just wondering what exactly we're toying with here?