I still have goosebumps. That was incredible, really! I hope one day to have the balls to venture that far, but it still feels a long way off. I have had communicated to me a few times now that I have the capacity to heal, but sheesh! Must we all go through this trial by fire to get there?!

If I ever make it back to LA, I will make a point of visiting you. Maybe you can help me fix myself up?



Whole heartedly

wow.....
Thinking of you gives me strength, its simple really.

I've missed your presence on nexus

If I ever make it back to LA, I will make a point of visiting you. Maybe you can help me fix myself up?





Agreed

Mind blown, my friend.

Thank you for your generosity and inspiration. Much love and gratitude to you.

thank you beautiful brother...but as much as my ego would love to bask in the notion that the circumference of my testes exceeds all others, i have to take this opportunity to be very clear with all of my beloved nexus family...

THIS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH BALLS.

the truth is that i felt something from the minute i got on that boat through the mangrove swamps on the way TO the seicoya. BEFORE i ever met them i knew in my heart that i had no say in what was transpiring. it was almost like i was outside of myself the entire time just watching events unfold. this was my higher self in action. in fact...

don Tintin told me during a tender moment shared after my experience the following:

"nineteen people came here to grow and learn. one came to transform." he continued, "your spirit came here for something. we saw it the minute you arrived. your spirit brought you here and was willing to risk sacrificing your mind to get what it came for."

now that sounds pretty hardcore. when he told me this i immediately asked if this was something i had any control over and he said without a blink, "no. when this time comes, one can only let go and accept".

interestingly- and i think i wrote about this in one of my reports that Uncle Knucles posted, i had a STRONG journey (the strongest at that point) two nights before this final annihilation. in it, i saw 6 versions of myself standing outside of a pyramid in the land of 'the golden ones'. i have been to this place soooo many times...hundreds...in DMT journeys but this time I WAS THERE. walking among them. more real than real and no awareness of any other life beyond that one. it is where i come from...i have no questions no matter how many eyes roll when i share this...

this pyramid i stood outside of had no door yet the portal way was the blackest black. you simply COULD NOT see in. the 6 'selves' that stood outside, i knew, where past lives in that world. there was an instant understanding that, being the 7th was HIGHLY significant. that i would be the one to go into that dark abyss of a doorway.

i also knew that i would not come out the same. i understood with deadly sobriety that tranformation was what that pyramid represented....be it awakening, madness or death.

i knew from this vision that i would enter that pyramid on the final ceremony. i had essentially TWO DAYS to make peace with my former life.

my point here is that testicular fortitude played no part in this. it is important for everyone in this sacred community to understand that with entheogens it is TRULY a matter of listening to your heart. heroics and throwing yourself off the precipice are not what we are in this for. for most, sub-breakthrough doses of DMT are PROFOUNDLY INSTRUCTIVE....and integratable. for many, a good deep aya journey is all they will ever need. i mean...read what i wrote orginally!! a master shaman from a culture that has been using ayahuasca since before our records can track told me PLAINLY that even in THAT CULTURE what i did was extreme!!!

NOBODY needs to do what i did. in truth, i would NEVER encourage anyone to. just ask Art...i am an extreme personality. everything to it's maximum. though i have reaped great rewards from this way of being, i have also incurred irreparible trauma and irreversable damage to many facets of my life. i would PRAY that those hard lessons can go towards helping any and all others AVOID making the same errors if possible.

...sorry guys....maybe it's just the "adventurous martyr" in me... i just want to be as clear as possible that this medicine will let you know if and when it's time to have a metamorphosis. until then, work with it in the capacity with which you feel you can have the most positive impact on your current life. let it be a complement to your current life. let it direct you to find ways in your current life to improve your journeys....ie: meditation. meditation HELPS with deep journey work and deep journey work inspires one to want to do things in this life that facilitate better journeys.

i guess i'm beating a dead horse a little here but i'd rather do that for the sake of being perfectly clear. i love you all and i would like to believe that what i did, i did for ALL of us. if my experience helps, sheds light, inspires, teaches, scares, motivates, touches or moves ANYONE, then it was worth it for the sake of the greater good.

that is all. soap box recycled...

WITH THE DEEPEST LOVE AND GRATITUDE!!

WoW!!!!!

Antony..... Brother....... Thank You for bearing your soul. It means so much to me. I'm speechless.

Love and Gratitude,

IH

Wow.

Thanks for sharing. You're right, most of us have no need to travel nearly that far. But hearing about it is amazing.

There's a quote bouncing around the Nexus more or less to this effect: "only by exposing yourself to annihilation can you find those parts which are indestructible".

Your story is of possibly the most thorough annihilation ive ever heard of. I guess my question is, what is left? I understand about your old life being "inaccessible"- been there myself a few times to a far lesser degree. So when you are stripped of everything that gave your old life meaning, what's left in its place?

Thank you for this, antrocles.

I am inspired by you.

thank you guys so much for all of the love. it was actually me who posted that quote a few years back from Pema Chodron. it goes: "it is only to the extent that we are willing to expose ourselves again and again to annihilation that we are able to find that part of ourselves that is indestructable." from my first REAL breakthrough on DMT, i knew this quote was spot on..

as for your question of 'what is left'....it goes hand in hand with a PM i just got from another beautiful brother who essentially said, "so....after reading your report i have to ask....did anything GOOD come from your experience?"

this is a great question. a deep question. a loaded question.

the truth is....through my eyes, this world is all good. it is undeniably hard and i am the first to admit i am prone to bouts of crippling depression to this day. but even then, i genuinely feel that the world is an arena for good to play itself out.

for my part, my experience in the jungle was good. i simply cannot see it any other way. the path that i am on now is the path my soul wants to be on and lord knows i would have NEVER come to this had i not been erradicated like i was. i was a freaking pro cyclist!!! an ego-driven, competitive subscriber to the great illusion. if someone told me i would be throwing people in a hammock and playing crystal bowls to balance their chakras...i would have laughed out loud. but the truth is, this work is profound and i have a full roster of clients coming back again and again. hell, i even have a handful of A-list celebritites that are doing regular work with me! this path is GOOD. i just have to redefine GOOD for myself.

it starts with gratitude...

the Dalai Lama once said, "want what you have and do not want what you do not have." for the first 40 years of my life, i wanted everything i didn't have. i was never satisfied with what i did have. i suffered greatly. the truth is....for MY particular path....i NEEDED to be humbled to this degree. i NEEDED to have it all taken away. for real...not just figuratively. i simply could not get off the 'do train' any other way.....despite all of the deep spirtual work i was doing both inside and outside of hyperspace, i was STILL the quintessential "human doing".

now...for the first time in my adult life...i am a human being. if the price for that is the occassional panic attack....i believe it is worth it. these little moments of freakout are just my ego trying to get a foothold. i have learned little tricks to get through these temporary rough patches and more and more i am able to let go of the fear of not having enough.

as part of this "all-in" mentality, i have been celebate for several months now. i don't even masturbate anymore. i am a vegan (about 75% raw) and i meditate daily. i am living a very monastic life which guarantees there will be resistance from my ego. plus- just TRY living this way in HOLLYWEIRD!! talk about having your truth challenged in every minute!

i guess in a nutshell i can simply say that my experience has made every hardship i now face look like the trivial fluff that it is. i know that i will survive and i will be stronger. i have a gift now. a gift of healing. it is born of the deepest compassion. pair that with a genuine love for all beings and you have me. i am a kind man who genuinely wants to help and be of service. i always knew this about myself...

....but now i KNOW this about myself. this is the greatest gift i have been given to date from this experience: i no longer concern myself with WHO i am. i instead focus all of my energy into WHAT i am. this alone will transform your life....and this alone is, i believe, what we are all searching for through our work with psychedelics. it is the most noble quest a corporeal soul can embark upon here imho...

sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself...

L&G!!

Thank you for sharing.

I believe that one of the most important projects we are undertaking as a human species in this generation is the integration of the plant/spirit wisdom and technology from Amazonian and other "archaic" cultures into the Western culture, and the integration of some aspects of our culture into theirs (no, I am not a cultural purist, and understanding a common language and symbolic system is essential to the project...).

The Irish monks preserved essential sparks of Western knowledge through the dark ages, allowing it to re-blossom when the time was right.

In a similar way, other essential forms of esoteric knowledge and entheogenic technology have been preserved in the places we on this board are all familiar with, through the spiritually dark age of the last several hundred years of western culture, as we snuffed out our own esoteric traditions one by one. In parts of the Amazon, Oaxaca, the Southwest, the relationship to sacred plants and a plant-spirit-based shamanic understanding of consciousness and non-duality has been preserved. Knowledge that is otherwise available only in hints and shadows around the Jungian edges of Western culture and religions. Quite literally the stuff of fairy tales!

All of which to say, in too many words, thank you for being one of the bridge builders. The re-connectors. The integrators. In the meeting and re-integration of these cultures and traditions lies our very salvation as a species. (No pressure!)

(And tell us more!)

antrocles, you are my new hero.

that may well be the greatest tale of transformation i have ever heard. i have never met or comunicated with you before but i can say with definite certainty that if i am ever in L.A i will be knocking on your door to hear the sounds of crystals bowls.

i wish you well on your continuing journey.

You make me laugh, smile and well up simultaneously Now, to my mind, scorching your foot, and then going through the single most intense and trying experience of your (or pretty much anyone elses) life takes a certain degree of 'testicular fortitude'. Whether you are bold enough to admit to that or not. Maybe not your corporeal body, but your spirit self. Have a think about it. You sir, have giant spirit balls

Now I am not the type of person to blindly throw myself into something like this without a good reason, and while at the moment I am taking my baby steps, learning and growing, I feel that some sort of transformation is the end goal. I need guidance in my life and have never fully trusted other people to provide that for me, and now I feel like I am finally finding my way. This isn't about heroics, this is about ME, I don't want to show off or be the big man, that is unimportant to me - being the most me that I can be is top of my list of priorities now, and if obliterating parts of myself that stand in the way is what I need to do, then so be it. And, yes, I do see the irony in that statement

Any how, enough about me, this is your thread and I do not want to divert the conversation.

Much respect to you my friend, you are a true inspiration. I look forward to seeing more of you around the place once more!

For the last 10 years, I have had a constant, droning, monotonous, grey, boring bout of Dysthymia. Week-by-week, I can feel it starting to finally slip away. I'm staring to feel the energy of life, that most people feel, that I haven't felt for a very long time. I have a long way to go, but I am starting to get glimmers of what is to come.

My life is also changing. I have moved to the other side of England. I am living in my girlfriend's parents house, which is cool; because it means we can get ourselves onto our feet, but it sucks, because I'm limited to what I can do. It's also a bit of a shock to the system, as I've had my own space for the last 8 years; but the neighbourhood here is sooooo much nicer than the one I've been living in for the last 8 years.

I guess my point is, that I'm in a major transitional stage. My life is changing for the better, and my Depression is also fading. Though at the moment, I am slap-bang in the middle of this time of transition, and still have a way to go. I don't know where this journey is taking me, but I'm finally understanding that I do have a path. It's a mystery to me what this path is, I don't know when this will become apparant, I'll let it play itself out.

I am now understanding that this curse of depression that has been lingering over me, is perhaps not quite the curse I thought it was. I'm starting to think that maybe it's a blessing. An extreme case of "swings and roundabouts" and "rough with the smooth". Once recovered I will have a new outlook on life, and start taking the next steps in my journey.

Thank you for the inspirational words of change you have shared with us Ant. As someone who is on the brink of some kind of change, in some sort of way, to some better place.... Your words resonate with me, push me forward, help me put the past into perspective and appreciate that change is on its way. You help me understand and appreciate I am on my own path, as is everybody else. I shall look forward to sharing with you, and everybody else in the Nexus, my time of change and what becomes of me.

Maybe it will be in two weeks, maybe it will be in two years. It doesn't matter, it will happen. Your story has opened me up to the fact, and I am ready to embrace the future. Thank you Ant, and thank you Nexus.

Peace

Macre

Great to hear from you Antrocles!

We are all blessed to be walking this powerful and sacred path. Thank you for living your dreams and following your heart, an example to us all.

Blessings,
Once

I am as impressed by your humility as I am by your journey.

Can't even imagine the first two weeks back in LA. That must have been a moment of unimaginable dichotomy.

You'll find that many of us are inspired by your humble and accepting attitude toward this massive transformation... Probably because so many of us are in transition ourselves. And in my case, there is a bit of kicking and screaming involved. Yesterday was particularly rough. I was a hotshot art guy who did whatever I wanted, and now I am a father trying to center myself in my new reality, a reality where I no longer come first. I am constantly amazed by our daughter; looking at her facial expressions is enough to immobilize me in awe. At the same time, I can't make time to do my art, and it's killing me. I am suffering because of my attachment to a picture of myself as an idealized creative entity. It is taking all the humility I can muster to survive this transition. Your story shall remain a beacon to me.

Maybe one day we can swap one of your healing sessions for a really nice ritual tattoo from me...

Just seeing this now. Glad to finally get the inside scoop, after a year of hush hush secrecy.

I will say now that upon his return, I feared a great deal for my friend. To me he looked ripe for a 5150, which filled me with very grave concerns and considerable feelings of guilt.

I'm glad to see your tattooed noodle no longer throbbing with madness. Know that despite my assorted misgivings, you are my brother in arms.

t'would be an absolute honor my friend. looks like your daughter is your masterpiece for now my beautiful brother i promise you that your best work is still to come and your amazing daughter will most likely be your inspiration!

and Art- you were without question a MAJOR rock for me to lean on during what was (and continues to be) the most challenging time in my life. dear friend. dear brother.

thanks again you guys. i really hope my journey can help folks. i have never waivered in my belief of how important this work is. i think in the final analysis, we will be the ones who play a large hand in the transformation of our species. onward and upward!!

L&G!

... It's also amazing that, out of the thousands of members here, you were the one who had originally posted that "annihilation" quote. You were definitely on a collision course with this destiny!

My eyes definately became wet when reading this.



I like the one year of keeping silent rule. I've definately had a powerful experience before and felt that it was dimminished when I spoke about it. On the other hand, I had one truly transformitive experience a few years ago and really felt that I should never breath a work of it....two years later, I finally did talk, to a very select audience--I couldn't walk the rest of my days in silence like that. Couldn't do it. I like the one year rule.

Ant, your writings and your experiences are constantly amazing and inspiring. Thank you for having the honesty and humility to bare your naked soul.