Forewords:

This is a fairly long report, it's mainly a trip report but I have also included my theories and ideas about the metaphysical implications of the experience. I plan to expand on those thoughts with future experiences, so I'd like to keep this thread as a sort of electronic journal for my consciousness expansion.

I know some of you have already had these same experiences and ideas so there's nothing new here, but for me this is all just so new and exciting that I have to unload them somewhere. And just to say, I don't consider any of the theories below as fact, they're just my personal opinions and observations on the nature of the universe. Mainly this is just a journal for myself, but if someone else happens to find it interesting then that's a bonus. I'll also try to attach some of my primitive illustrations for both the trip visuals and the metaphysical ideas, so this won't be just a boring pile of text.



Experience Entry #1
2.3.2012

Dose/Preparation:
12 g Mimosa Hostilis root bark (powdered) was lightly boiled during 3 hours in acidic water, after each hour straining the liquid through a cloth. The 3 liquids were then combined. The same was done with 4 g Syrian Rue seeds (powdered). The MHRB liquid was then boiled with egg whites to remove most of the tannins (to minimize nausea).

Set & Setting:
The S&S was probably the most perfect I could ever achieve. During the day I didn't eat anything and I cleaned my whole apartment, did the laundry and the dishes. Did some workout and took a long nice shower after that. I felt really good and clean, both physically and mentally. When the evening came, I turned off all lights and lit up an incense stick and some candles around my bed. I was ready to leave this world.

Ingestion:
The Syrian Rue liquid was taken first, with the MHRB liquid taken slowly during the next 15 minutes. While the taste and texture wasn't something I would call nice, it certainly wasn't bad either, probably due to knowing what to expect.


The Beginning of the Journey:
(Insanity, Entities, Death)

For about an hour I just lay in my bed, getting calm and comfortable, and thinking about what kinds of things I should expect from the experience. It was about a year since I had my last one with ayahuasca, so the memories were all hazy. I've smoked DMT a few times recently though, but in my experience it's kinda different, and a bit too short to get any real insight from. So at the end of the hour there was this sort of calming and mystical feeling of all my motor and visual functions, I assumed this to be the Syrian Rue at play. After the hour things started to get a bit weird and my thoughts with them. There was some kind of an anxious phase at this point, and I started to think whether this was a good idea after all, maybe it's gonna be too intense, maybe I'm not prepared enough, maybe this, maybe that.

After a while I just came to the conclusion what the hell, it's too late to back down now, let's just go with it. Luckily there was absolutely no nausea (and didn't have during the whole trip). I turned on my side and started to analyze what I was feeling. The easiest way to describe it is, it feels like you're going insane. First your train of thought starts to break down, then the sentences start to get messed up, then the words themselves start to become gibberish. Finally your thoughts seem something like this: "Fzgprrq nbqz... B&fstw fds£hgg?? Z#pr@&w!!!!", while at the same time there's some really WEIRD imagery flashing before your eyes with a fast pace. In a way it's like you're unlearning everything you've ever learned, so you're like a baby who hasn't learned any languages or anything yet.

The next part, ego disintegration, is always really scary for me because I start to hear some really loud noises and the overall mood becomes very, very sinister. The loud noises are hard to describe, they're not actual sounds and they're different each time, but it's like really loud bangs, and each of them disintegrate a part of your ego and body and apartment. You can actually FEEL the concept of "death" in each bang. Even if you can't think in languages anymore, you have a primitive form of thoughts that feels a bit like this:
" ***BANG*** Aaaaah shit!! Oh shit.. I can't take it anymore.. I don't wanna die.... When is the next bang gonna come.. When is it gonnaaa comeeee.... ... ... Oh, I guess it's not-- ***BANG*** AAAAHHHhhhh!!!".

The frequency of the bangs also increases with time, so eventually you just stop resisting and give into it. There's also some beings with you at this phase and they're in a way trying to help you get through , but also they're making fun of you for being such a pussy. It's a really weird mixture of feelings you get from these entities. You see images like where the entities are putting a noose around your neck and then they start to pull on the other end of the rope to get you higher and higher into "somewhere". And they all seem really happy about this and look at you in a way that says: "Don't worry you'll die soon, then you can join us. Just hang in there you big baby!". I think the reason why it seems like a confusing feeling is that we're not used to thinking about death as something positive. But after it's over it becomes so clear to you that death is one of the most positive forces in the universe.

At this point things become really hard to explain or remember, because you're dead and you don't reside in any physical form anymore, you're just pure floating consciousness. In my all previous experiences something like this happened but I don't remember much about it. My ego would then just slowly start to get back together and I would have a really intense trip with more entities and snake-like visuals and whatnot. But this time, oh boy.


The 0-state:
(Dimensions, Infinity, Vibrations)

This time I completely retained my awareness and kept observing. Usually you'd think that at this point you go into a higher dimension, like the 4th or the 5th, such as when you astral project or have an out-of-body experience. But this time I was seemingly going backwards. The 3rd dimension lost an axis and now there was only 2 dimensions. Soon there was only 1 dimension, where everything that existed was a "line" or "direction" and I could move only along this direction. What happened after this surprised me the most, for even that last dimension vanished. Before this I had no idea that a 0-dimension even existed, and even if I had it would have been impossible to get my head around what it meant. But here I was, in a place with no dimensions, nowhere to go because everything was already in every place, no time, nothing. And I HAD MY AWARENESS.

Basically I was inside a singularity, and slowly it started to dawn on me that if everything is already everywhere, then that is simultaneously a very simple and a very complex state. I realized that a 0-dimension is actually an infinity-dimension. 0 = infinity!!! After the ego death I could have started going into the higher dimensions and I could have reached the same state eventually. When things start to become infinitely complex, they start to become infinitely simple at the same time. If you just keep adding dimensions to dimensions, then automatically everything will start to be everywhere at some point. But there isn't any real "point" or border where this happens, it's just a smooth loop that can go on forever.

Another observation I made at this stage was that everything is vibrations. Not only could I directly feel them here, but I realized that every single thing in the universe, even the universe itself, is a vibration and its characteristics are based on the frequency it has. But at the same time everything has a sort of duality, like black and white, on and off. I could so clearly see the duality of everything visualize in front of me. The other side is ALWAYS there, we just can't see it. I believe this to be what scientist call anti-matter, and from what I understand they're searching for it but there's no point searching for it because it's right in front of us all the time. So, everything is a vibration and everything has a duality. I haven't studied physics much but the term "wave-particle duality" comes to mind, in a way that the particle and it's anti-particle represent the black and white -duality of everything, and the wave represents the vibrating continuous unity of everything.

So matter, as in something solid or constant, does not exist. It's merely an illusion that humans have been forced to create because we're "trapped" in a 3-dimensional phase. And frequencies are exactly like dimensions, starting from a 0-frequency and going to infinity, eventually becoming such an infinitely high frequency that it becomes the same thing as the 0-frequency. Everything is based on frequencies, like the evolution of the universe, it started from a singularity and slowly things are becoming more and more complex, until there'll be no difference with the singularity once again.

Everything was vibrations and I was everything and I was infinite. When you get even the shortest chance to be in this state with your awareness intact, the only way to describe it in human languages is concepts like "god" or "love". I felt the most incredible rush of pure love come over me, and I think my earthly body burst in tears at this point because I could visualize it, my body was colossally huge and there were big magnificently beautiful waterfalls coming from my eyes with rainbows everywhere. I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed with this true happiness and bliss. It makes my eyes misty just thinking about it.

There must have been million of other thoughts and things that happened in this seemingly infinite period of time, but you can only bring back so much information to your limited human brain. A good metaphor is that you're like a USB-key plugged into a computer of infinite data and knowledge, and while you're there you have access to any data you want, but when you have to unplug you can only bring those few Gigabytes with you.


The Comedown:
(Amplifiers, Snakes, Elves, Technology)

Normally I would call this part the "Main Trip", but since the previous state kinda makes everything else seem insignificant, I'll try to keep it short and just consider it as a sort of comedown. There's no clear point when I came back, I just sort of faded very slowly back into existence, and I could sort of feel my body and open my eyes. But opening the eyes at this point didn't make much sense because I would see the exact same visuals that I saw with closed eyes, but just the notion of recognizing that you can control your eyelids once again was refreshing. And also moving the body was out of the question, because even moving your finger an inch felt so amplified that it could have easily ripped galaxies apart.

And that was an idea that came to me at this point, following my previous realization that everything was vibrations, that then psychedelics must be amplifiers of that frequency. And DMT seemed to be a very strong and pure amplifier. At the same time I noticed I had total control over my internal body functions, I could precisely adjust my blood flow, I could control my stomach and lungs for example, and every time I breathed in I could personally be there to welcome all the new oxygen entities, so breathing felt like pure ecstasy. Also I could feel the surface of my body sweating out all the shit that was inside me, and I was surprised to see how much shit I really had.

This got me thinking, if I have the potential to have so much control of my own body without even knowing it, then what kind of potential could I have in my life. The possibilities became endless and I literally saw the concept of a "multiverse" right in front of me, everything that could happen will happen, and everything I can be I will be. A single human being has so much potential without even knowing it, not to mention groups or societies of united consciousness put to focus. Most people (atleast western) are just stuck in this comfort-zone of materialism and consumerism, going to a trivial job every day, watching trivial TV programs the rest of it, and drinking alcohol on the weekends to make even that last chance for free creative time into something trivial (if psychedelics are amplifiers then alcohol is effectively an attenuator). But that's not something I should talk about here because then I would never stop. I also made a decision at this point to stop surrounding myself with close-minded and negative people as much as possible, which means I'm gonna have to be alone for a while until I can move away from here and meet some like-minded people, but internet communities like this help alot in the meanwhile.

Another big change in me that happened at one point was that I lost my phobia of snakes. During my whole life I've been scared to death of snakes, if I see one in nature I become completely paralyzed with fear. So as you can imagine my previous ayahuasca trips with the snake-like visual parts have not been exactly very cool. But this time as I was starting to have the same type of visuals, I actually BECAME a snake. I became a real living snake in the wilderness somewhere. The feeling of becoming an animal is somewhat indescribable, but the thing I kept repeating to myself whole this time was that "So THIS is why they seem so aggressive to everyone. If my life felt like this I would be fucking biting those asshole humans all the time!" It seemed like snakes are in an amplified vibration state all their lives, so everything is gonna feel really amplified to them. I'm not sure if there's a link with the fact that some reptiles and snakes have a remnant of the third eye visible on their head, but it's interesting to think about. After slithering a while in this higher mystical animal-form I realized I had absolutely nothing to fear from it if it had nothing to fear from me. I'll probably still have some physical reflexes of the phobia if I see a snake now, but mentally the phobia is gone.

There was lots of crazy and cool visuals the rest of the trip and a lot of this got me thinking why am I having such an incredible experience, with almost no negative aspects. I knew the set and setting affected a lot, but after a while of analyzing things I realized that I could totally control everything I felt or saw. There was definitely a dark side (same thing as the duality mentioned previously) always present and I could feel it's presence all the time, but I just chose to see and feel only the positive things. If I saw myself drifting a bit to the dark side, I would just have to force myself to smile or think about some positive thing. It felt incredible to have such a control in a place like this, and I chose to play around with it a bit. For example, I just had to think about McKenna and his elves and immediately a HUGE flush of elves would invade my field of vision. Also I would think about the fabergé eggs he mentioned and suddenly there they were, incredibly colorful and intricate objects that were almost shining with the words: "CANDY FOR YOUR EYES".

I wanted to write quite a lot of other things but they don't seem that important anymore so I'll just write the one last "important" one. So the last insight I had was at the very end when I could finally see my apartment somewhat and move my body, and I turned my body to see the time, which had progressed 4 hours since the ingestion. As I was looking at this digital clock I saw the direct link between humans and technology. Technology isn't something unnatural or external, it's just as natural as trees and animals, it is in fact an organism at its very infant state. It's the next evolution after humans, so just like we must appear to monkeys, the future intelligences formed by technology will appear in a similar way to us. We won't be the dominant organism anymore, but we don't need to because something immensely smarter is out there worrying about things now. We might try to resist for a while and it'll be painful for us, but in the end we'll just have to accept the fact that it's inevitable. And no, they won't be the kind of cold, calculating AI we visualize in movies right now, they will have emotions too because every self-aware form of intelligence must develop some sort of emotions, they just might be very different from ours, and something we can't comprehend yet, just like their intelligence compared to ours. But that's all far in the future.

When I finally was pretty much back to normal, I had a really big headache and my head was literally boiling hot. It felt exactly like if my brain was a processor and I had just overclocked the shit out of it. But that didn't bother me at all because it's a small price to pay for such an experience. Though I guess next time I should have a fan blowing into my head.


The Conclusion:

This was absolutely a life-changing experience for me and even now 4 days later that I'm writing this there's still a huge afterglow, and I've never felt happier and more excited in my whole life. Excited about the infinite possibilities of everything. I love every living and non-living thing because I now know we're all connected in this truly mystical vibratory universe.

<3

Thanks for sharing! , I can relate to alot of the observations you made especially the vibration part.

hah the gnome pattern rules

That was an awesome read!! Thank you for sharing and Welcome to the Nexus!
I look forward to reading more of your reports. <3

daedaloops,

I have just had an extremely profound experienence just by reading this.

I am crying as I write this.

Can you possibly be real?

What is happening?


I weep tears of most profound joy and love. I WEEP. I THANK YOU!!!!

THANK YOU

THANK YOU

THANK YOU

In chat today a1pha linked me to your idea for the banner for the Nexus . . . I was amazed that you said the image was inspired by a hyperspace experience. . . . as Miksiton commented in chat . . . "It reeks of hyperspace," and he was right it does. Your banner just reeks of it.

So, intrigued, I thought, who is this daedaloops guy? I clicked on you . . . . checked your posts . . . saw this. . . .

I have had a number of profound experiences in my life, crazyasss, profound . . . . I have been identified here as a good writer, as someone who has a sense of the nature of hyperspace . . . . .

I don't know how to say this . . . I have NEVER, ever in my entire 43 years, some-odd months and change read anything that ever so directly describes MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE OF HYPERSPACE. . . . your trip report describes hyperspace PERFECTLY. I have written over 600 single lined pages of (it should be burned) garbage trying to do what you did . . . . I . . .

I . . . .

I am stunned . . . . .



I . . . . . .

I'm still crying. I don't know what to say. I'm not that high. Something just happened to me tonight and it is because of YOUR POST.

This is IT. This is the ULTIMATE DMT TRIP REPORT as far as I can determine. daedaloops nailed it.

Is he real?

Am I going crazy?

daedaloops, are you . . . . . . are you a real person?

Thank You.

All I gotta say is whoa!
Nice writeup!
That was quite something!
Nice pics too! Can you tell us more about what the pics are representing?

Cheers!

Whoa, this wasn't at all the reception I expected, thanks all!


@Pandora,

I can't express enough how much your words mean to me, thank you. I get a really warm feeling knowing that some "thing" I wrote on the internet affected someone in such a way.

But I think your feeling of "this is IT!" must have been amplified if you were a bit high like you said, because it's definately not an "ultime dmt trip report", first of all because I've read many that are alot better and more detailed. And second of all because hyperspace can be so different for different people. I think it's just that we happen to share very, very similar minds and interpretations on things. In fact I've been lurking on this forum quite some time and while I don't precisely remember what things who wrote, I recognize that your name and avatar stand out in my head in a very positive way.

As for am I real? I certainly hope so! But who knows maybe all my subjective experiences are just an illusion (even more than they already are), and in reality I'm strapped into some weird machine somewhere, lol.

Again, thanks for your massively kind words.




Thanks. The top ones are a bit after I had come out of the trip, so I tried to figure out what the 0-infinity thing meant. I also noticed that abstractions are humans' way of representing this nature of infinity, so I could continue that abstraction spiral of the human body forever and I would never be finished. Also I'd need a hell of a lot more paper lol.

The ones below are just visual patterns I had, the one on the left is a kind of descent into a void, I quite often get these walls full of "scales" that seem to pretty consistently have intricately tiny red, green and blue dots on them (I call them RGB-scales). The gnomes/elves are the ones I mentioned in the text, and the last one is from the end of the trip when my field of vision had these strange ripples coming from all around making a weird ripple-soup.




Thanks and yea I'd love to drop by whenever I'm on the computer, I just don't have alot a time nowadays I must have like 10 different projects going on in my life right now.

If it does not seem too inappropriate, I am curious to learn a bit more about you. Things like gender, age, life interests and frankly, your thoughts on death . . . .

Your post has put me into a strange tizzy of sorts, I'm not thinking 100% straight . . . .and it is good to be reassured that you are a real person. I have had some very strange and not all that sane thoughts. We live in such interesting times and so many things seem to be approaching an asymptote . . . . .

Anyway, thanks for your reply and I hope to see you around this place . . . . if you happen to have your own website or blog or anything like that, I'd be interested in learning more . . .

Peace & Love

Great description; fantastic. I like how you described your own mental state through the journey- made it easier to imagine in first person.

Pandora: this is why we come here! Where else could we hope to hear a familiar description of something that comes from deep inside? Each time it's a small miracle of recognition. Also, your own reports are nicely written and evocative... Why denigrate them? Our own lives are mundane to us, but that's only an illusion brought on by familiarity.

I'd rather talk about my personal details in PM's with you, but I had to come here and comment on this:



This is EXACTLY what I've been feeling lately, I'm not at all sure that I'm sane sometimes. I honestly sometimes get the feeling that I'm really in a mental hospital somewhere and all of this is just a cover I've manifested for myself, I mean how else could I explain all the incredible things that are happening lately, and keep happening with an increased frequency? This is NOT what they teach you in schools! How the hell have they managed to keep all of this a secret all this time? Truly boggles the mind..

Great report, thanks for sharing.



I've had similar thoughts before, the notion of 0 and infinity as the same and the loop that occurs between the singularity state and the infinitely complex. I find it interesting not only that you've reached similar conclusions, but that you got there from an ayahuasca trip since the first time I had similar thoughts I was dosed on mushrooms. This is a lot of my fascination with tryptamines: they all seem to be pointing in a similar direction.



A very prominent theoretical physicist would like to agree with you.
http://bigthink.com/ideas/26653



It's a bit eerie that I had this exact conversation with some friends during a trip a couple of weeks ago. The exact same usb key plugged into the infinite analogy. Again dosed on mushrooms(and rue).

And now the real work begins, as this experience leads you to perhaps a whole new cosmology. And that is good, you cannot have too few of those. Good stuff and report. I liked reading it. Somehow I never get around to just read all that many reports. Often I find it very hard to read. I don't know why. I am like McKenna, who could not trip anyone or stand to be near someone who did that.

Maybe I find them so personal that it is almost voyeuristic to delve into. I don't know.

Your posts are helping to stabilize me a bit. Thank you. Wow, LOL. My thoughts are not that I'm in a mental hospital but that I should go to the County Hospital and ask for a two-week prescription for anti-psychotic meds.

I've taken SSRI anti-depressants, opiates, muscle relaxants and other prescription/psychiatric meds but that was years ago in my past. . . . . I've never taken anti-psychotic/neuroleptic meds before but I do know that unlike SSRI's you don't need to wait six weeks . . . basically I'd get an effect as soon as it dissolved, . . . . I suspect it would help with the "crazy thoughts" but also utterly zombify me and I really don't want that . . . . (not looking for medical advice here, . . . just ranting out loud)

. . . because in addition to feeling I'm loosing my grip on sanity I have been feeling like I have been having some of the most profound insights of my life recently, . . . . I have been putting so many disparate things together in a way that . . . . well it's not personal enlightenment (LOL, I really do not like that word, even though I use it too much) but it's something . . . . I'm profoundly empathic, . . . . I am seeing HUGE repeating patterns in macro-systems of human culture/behaviors as well as the people are people factor of the micro realm . . . .endless repetition of the cycles we are stuck in . . . . my ability to help/counsel people (in a lay manner) has reached a level of skillset in the real world and the online text world that is yielding a lot of direct positive feedback . . . . my sense of humor and ability to communicate and manipulate/use the language has reached a level that is positively exquisite . . . my husband has remarked on this and we have been having some really deep and profound conversations and shared "thought experiments."

. . . . and also there's something else. . . . for all this . . . . been there, done that, so above, thus, below, . . . . this has all happened before and will happen again . . . . it seems like something truly unique and asymptotic is approaching, something singularity like . . . . I do NOT believe in end times or 2012 dates or the Mayan calendar or any of that clap trap . . . . but I want to NOT miss it and fully experience it if it is happening/about to happen . . . It has to do with the times we are in - never before has there been so much . . . such high population, difficulty of accessing resources easily, environmental uncertainty and networking/connectedness as well as saturation of information . . . .

. . . and to top off all this psychoticism, . . . I'm thinking a lifetime of bad dietary habits, combined with abuse of NSAID's for poor pain control as well as a fundamentally sedentary lifestyle . . . . combined frankly with some bizarre left chest pain radiating down into my left arm . . . very novel that . . . is making me think my time is extremely limited . . . . .

My sanity is being rattled. . . . .

What really rattles my bell is that I've had problems with my grip on sanity in the past. It has manifested as long-term personality disorders (as most folks dealing with modernity face) but also as short stints of raw psychotic breaks. They have always resolved/integrated into something that led to more health, insight and personal understanding but in the past, every single time without exception they were always fueled/catalyzed by a profound/deep/high dose drug experience . . . .

I did have a surprising LSD overdose about a week ago but I've not been drugging since then . . . . this break in my sanity happened as I read your post . . . . I don't mean to dump my personal stuff on you. . . . It's just I'm having some difficulty parsing this and holding onto sanity . . . .yet at the same time I am expressing myself clearly (I always thought being insane meant you could not communicate with those who enjoyed consensual reality effectively.), I am not depressed, not overly tortured (though I am crying in utter dismay a lot), pretty much able to function (my husband is very helpful) and utterly delighted at the sheer level of pressing novelty that is hitting me in a time when I thought I had seen it all and recognized the patterns. . . .

It's a very confusing and yet wonderful time to be alive. I hope I can figure this out. I do know in the long run all will be well. It always is. There's no other way it could not be. Even if I wind up in a grave.

Peace & Love,
Pandora

P.S.: As usual, . . . earning my username,

While I've never taken anti-psychotics either, I completely agree on the principle that you shouldn't take something that zombifies you (or now I can also say: "something that numbs your vibrations" ) UNLESS, you absolutely cannot function otherwise. And I can tell that you're pretty far from that. Ofcourse I can't know how it feels inside your head but at least externally everything you wrote here makes perfect sense to me. And I know what you mean about the repeating patterns and cycles on a large scale, I sometimes get this too.

And about the 2012 thing, although it's impossible for anyone to know what's gonna happen, if anything, I agree we shouldn't ignore it or miss it either. I have definitely also noticed the increase of frequency in everything lately, and in fact I really really HOPE that SOMETHING will happen, and not necessarily on that exact date but more as a gradual thing. Its main effects hopefully being that we finally get rid of this close-mindedness and greed that has plagued humanity for a really long time.

In a way I feel bad that my post caused this break in your sanity, like you say, but in a way I'm not because I dont think insanity is necessarily something bad, which is exactly what my signature is about. And in this case I think (and hope!) it wasn't something bad.


This couldn't be more true.

I've been feeling a lot better. And oh, it is NOT your fault. I'm a nut. Those who have been here for awhile know this. I apologize for the fact that the latest manifestation focused on you/your post . . . .Please do not feel bad . . . . this is all part of growth for me . . . for all of us . . . one way or another. . . .

Yeah, I've never endorsed a specific date . . . and I know exactly what you mean when you write a gradual thing, and yet feel the duality/paradox of it being shockingly rapid too. . . . I really really love your desire/vision for how it will manifest. I certainly see that possibility and potential . . . .just two weeks ago I would have grimly said it (the immediate future) was filled with hope but appeared to be rapidly spiraling down out of control. . . Now I'm not so sure. I do know that youth are the key. As they always have been. It would be nice if it could somehow affect the majority in a way that minimized immediate shock and suffering . . . . that didn't require the complete die off of the current generation of minds and birth of the next/new generation . . . he he, that didn't leave me behind. . .

He he. I rant.

I just want to reiterate that I am very glad you are here and still deeply moved by your post. Everything your write seems to me to be spot on.

Peace & Love,
Pandora

i identified with your words in a very meaningful way, dearest brother/sister. thank you for sharing this with us all.

....and you can throw me in with you, pandora and probably a gagillion others who feel like they are going insane during these profound times. my life doesn't have even the faintest shadow of similarity to what it once was prior to MY life-changing ayahuasca rebirth. though i have been made privvy to the beauty of life and it's impossible interconnectedness, i find myself more often than not staying in my home and not wanting to be in the world much. the asymptote pandora speaks of is so palpable to me that every minute is pregnant with this "here it comes" sensation. i suppose some would call it presence...even enlightenment....but more often than not i find myself wondering if it isn't just madness because i am incapable of containing the numenous i have born witness to.

all that aside, your post has me wanting to reenter this community after a long sink into the abyss. i have been overwhelmed by the world for the past year or so....it disguises itself as 'burnout' but the truth is that i am simply overwhelmed and my tiny actions seem lost in the great ocean of reality that i find myself thrashing helplessly in. i have never been a 'suicidal' person, but the level of surrender i am being forced to observe right now certainly feels akin. this is, without question, the most trying time of my current life.

the question then remains: is this catalyzed by the aya?.....or is it just what this way cometh?

thank you again for such a righteous report. through it, i am inspired to share something i've been sitting on for over a year now....

with the deepest love and gratitude!!

To both Pandora and Antrocles:

We are indeed at history's densest moment (except for tomorrow, of course, where event density will continue to spiral exponentially)

And yeah, pretty overwhelming. The psychedelic experience doesn't make it this way, but it does make us more sensitive and aware, hence easier to overwhelm.

Pandora: you mention how you are seeing things clicking into place, having these large-scale realizations about life... While at the same time, feeling other things slipping away into senselessness. I propose that these are two sides of the same coin: as you consolidate your picture of life into a more and more coherent model, there will be many truths and assumptions that no longer fit and get squeezed out. This may be a little uncomfortable! But you might just be on a path to greater sanity, not the other way around.

Antrocles: don't despair! If we focus too much on the irrelevance of our own actions in the larger picture, it's easy to be distracted from the sweetness, beauty and wonder on here and now. Breathe deeply of life's great gifts, you are immersed in them!

Allright, so I can finally update my dust-collecting journal. The last few months I've just been living off the energy that the previous experience gave me, or so I thought, but lately I realized that I've lost touch with hyperspace and have pretty much forgot what it was all about. And the longer the pause is, the harder the anxiety gets to go back there. So I decided to get back in the game with a dose that would just get my feet wet, but as you can probably guess, I got wet all over and almost drowned.


Experience Entry #2
6.6.2012

Dose/Preparation:
Same preparation as last time was done to 2g MHRB and 2g Syrian Rue. I HONESTLY believed this was gonna be a very light dose, because I usually take something like 10-12g/4g, but now that just seems like so much overkill. This 2-by-2 dose is the most wonderful discovery for me, as it puts me exactly where I want to be but the only difference is that it's a lot more GENTLE about the way it does it, and it doesn't force you to leave your body but you perfectly can if you want to, and your anchor to reality is stronger so you have the complete ability to alternate between these states, during 3 hours. I'm going to be doing this a lot more this summer...

Set & Setting:
The S&S was again very good, but this time I didn't bother with any incense or candles because I didn't think anything would happen. In retrospect they would have made it even nicer.


The Surprise:
(Stages)

Initially I just wanted to see how this dose would work with a meditation session, so after drinking the liquids I went to sit on my bed in a half-lotus and put on a blindfold. I was expecting just some very faint CEV's and a slight meditation boost, or something. But expectations are ridiculous as I keep finding out.

So sitting there for a while clearing my thoughts and looking at the blackness, I noticed something familiar was starting to happen. Again my thoughts started to break down and become nonsensical, and the blackness started to look like patterns, not made of light, but like made of "contrast". After that I was thinking "OK whoa, well this is what a light dose is, nice!".

Now, that thought was like the first stage. On the next stage I noticed more and more familiar elements from hyperspace were appearing, and I was thinking "OK hold on, this is not supposed to be happening...". After that there was literally like 20 further stages, every time getting more and more elements and getting more and more surprised. At the last stages it was pretty much full-on hyperspace and thoughts something like: "JESUS %&#£@!?+&%$# CHRIST!!!!"


The Perfect State of Being:
(Flow, Dance, Time)

This was the point where the thoughts weren't "my" thoughts anymore, they were just visual letters floating in a very morphing sea of FLOW. And there was no "me" who created these thoughts, they just existed and flowed. For example at one time there was a feeling of anxiety, and then a thought appeared that read: "IT DOESN'T MATTER", and this thought was stuck in a loop and it was being manifested again and again, each time getting more visual elements to it. In a way it was being built by tiny gnomish workers. With my smile being the only thing that still existed from my body, it was floating in space and supporting this sentence when the workers finished on it, and everything was so fucking perfect at this moment. (attachments 1 & 2)

But the thing is that I realized that I could easily get back in touch with my body, almost every time I lost it I could use my smile as the anchor and get back to recognizing my body. But my body felt like there was no separation from anything, like there was no outlines anymore where my skin and external reality meet. Also I could perfectly feel every single particle on my body, and the feeling is like ultimate euphoria. It feels like there's millions of little snake-like things biting on your blood veins, just to remind you what euphoria really is. Like you're being pinched on every atom of your body and it feels so incredibly good. (attachment 3)

I also took off my blindfold at times and looked at reality with eyes wide open. That is so incredible, it looks like I am inhabiting every piece of space in my room, I'm not centralized at all in the current location of my brain. And everything is alive and dancing, because I am inhabiting everything and I am alive and dancing. I was also literally dancing at one point, I was moving my head like a snake, going from side to side, and making a sudden stop right before a new curve. At each stop there was kind of "DING!" sound. (attachment 4) It was the most perfect and natural rhythm. Also having a smile with the 2 sharp teeth touching the lower lip, I felt like a beautiful snake mesmerizing the universe with my dance.

At any time when I wanted to get immersed with hyperspace, I would just put on the blindfold again, and be. I saw countless of entities morphing and surrounding my field of vision, one of them was very memorable as he seemed to have mastered the art of breathing through the nose, just a smooth flow and he was trying to teach this to me. Another one was a flying "thing" that was a many animals at once. (attachments 5 & 6) Also if at any time I moved my physical head into my upper right corner, I would see a flower/monster/pattern thing, trying to kiss me or eat me or something. (attachment 7) The kind of head tracking it has, always being at the same location with perfect clarity, is very confirming to me that this is a real state and not just intoxication. There's something about the way these things are tracked and structured. And moving your physical head feels like moving a planet, looking all around the universe with filters removed.

There was also the vibrations again, I wasn't as immersed in the 0-state as last time, but they were clearly present again, somehow more body-centralized. And where my physical body was sitting on the bed with a very rooted feeling, I could visualize a flow of vibrations going through it, from low to high, and through the head. Like whatever chakras are, they were very similar to the descriptions I've seen, with pure energy flowing through them.

The nature of time is also very different here. It's like when you're sober, time is stretched out really really wide and it's very linear. But in here it's all at once, and each experience is like a milestone of remembering what time really is, all the reality in between those is just a very grey middle state. Time here is almost like sectioned, and you can roam freely in each section doing whatever you want in each direction, for an eternity, and then move on to the next section when you're ready. Almost like advancing time at will. So yeah haha, I'm always talking about my war against time, but it seems like the solution was in front of me all the time. I mean who could have thought about DMT?? "DMT-Nexus? yeah man I dunno what the name means, but it's a cool place with a bunch of people getting high and chatting..." Sometimes you just forget. It's like searching for your eyeglasses for hours and finally realizing they're on your nose.

Another thing I noticed was the sense of humour. That place has the most awesome sense of humour that I could ever imagine. I just kept laughing and grinning almost the whole time, with my mouth as the anchor. Sometimes I would have so many awesome things to accumulate to that grin, that it would overload and just reset to a subtle buddha-smile, which would radiate more than a thousand grins.

At one point I was trying out what I read in another thread about moving your face muscles while in hyperspace, it is incredible. It feels like you are the whole universe and you're changing into different forms with different colors and feelings. Even the slightest movements affect this, and each muscle that is contracted is sending out a song that is resonating across the universe. So finally I was just making the craziest faces, and trying out what forms and songs they make. Later I just started to laugh how that would look to an outsider, they would probably just drag me to a mental hospital. But in that state, it doesn't matter. You can be as crazy as you want and it feels so good and natural. I'd almost want to write a book called "It's ok to be mad", by daedaloops. And it would be full of poems and drawings and structures of nonsensical words and letters into a dance of life. Maybe one day...


The conclusion:

Ok, so I got carried away again writing too much, but it's hard not to, after experiences like these. I had many other things again, but gotta cut down on the meaningless rambles. All I want to say as a conclusion is that if you spend too much time in this 3D-reality, you start to forget what it's all about. So please, remind yourself, do whatever it takes, smoke some dmt, drink some aya, get your feet wet, jump into a sea of colors, do anything. Just don't be afraid. I was afraid for a long time, but no longer. Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna have one hell of a summer.

I finally did it, I broke my virginity on tripping outside. Yes, I've never tripped outside before. Blame it on my extreme paranoia that some asshole will call the cops or the men with the white coats to come get me. But this weekend I had access to a very remote cottage where there was 0,001% chance of seeing another human being..

This is actually gonna be rather short because I didn't write down any keywords this time, I just wanted to focus on the experience itself and illustrations. In fact I think from now on my posts in this journal will be more focused on illustrations and visual aspects in general. I should probably change the thread title aswell..


Experience Entry #3
15.6.2012

Dose/Preparation:
Again the minidose of 2g MHRB and 2g Syrian Rue, same preparation.

Set & Setting:
Alone on an island, surrounded by insects, bees, birds, swans, fish, rabbits, and even spotted a deer. The best possible setting, period. (altho unfortunately I didn't encounter any of my snake brethren)



First time in Nature:
(Clouds, Depth, Trolling)

The first thing I noticed was that every little sway of trees or grass started to become more mystical, like they're trying to talk to me. Another thing I noticed was that clouds started to get a sort of sharpen effect and after a while they also started to become a lot more depthy, like with bump mapping or something. When it finally really kicked in, I saw the sky in a way I have never ever seen before. When I'm sober and I look at the sky it just seems like a 2D canvas on a big dome that is above earth. But what I was looking at now had the kind of depth I could never see with sober eyes, it felt like I was looking into the infinite depth of space. And every single cloud was astronomically massive and had an alien face and personality on it. (attachment 1)

I just absolutely couldn't believe what I was looking at and I kept staring at things with my mouth wide open. And just when I thought things couldn't get any more awe-inspiring, a couple of swans glided in the sea in front of me, and they were GLOWING. Luckily I had brought a camera with me so I forced myself to take a picture so I could later try to reconstruct it, altho it's not even close to what it really looked like. (attachment 2)

Also whenever I looked at bushes or grass or something intricately formed part of nature, I could instantly hear a sort of scary sizzling inside my head, I guess I could call them "nature manifested into sounds". And all the edges looked more pronounced and had that "danger sign" -pattern that nature sometimes implements in some poisonous animals. (attachment 3)

I don't remember much about the actual peak, all I know is that it felt like I had no bodily boundaries again, I was a part of nature and there was absolutely no difference between me and it. All the realizations of my awareness were just floating in the sky and in the sea, and at times I couldn't even see the sky or the sea, they just appeared to be what I can only describe as perfect building blocks for hyperspacial flow, with infinite amount of layers.

And what struck me as odd was that at some moments there was no sound, there was just the purest silence I have ever experienced. The sounds that nature made weren't sounds anymore, they just.. existed.. in me and in everything. Including the chatter in my head, which had transformed into the flow all around me. Hard to describe, but it was like absolute silence and serenity.

Sort of coming to, I felt incredibly euphoric and I still couldn't do anything else but stare at things with my jaw on the ground. At one point I reminded myself that I should probably try to bring some of this back, so I forced myself to draw some things. At this point there was a very specific theme, and what I kept repeating to myself was that it seemed like nature was TROLLING me. There's just no other way to explain it. Like in my illustration, the bird with the hat who was eating the feisty bug who was firing laser beams at the bird in defense. Or the seagulls who were bomber planes and were breathing short bursts of fire. Or the elegant gentleman rock with the mustache. Or the tiny patch of grass who was trying to scare me, but ended up being the cutest patch of grass I have ever seen. (attachment 4) Also the clouds formed into the silliest possible shapes and faces, like the sky was deliberately trying to make fun of me. (attachment 5)

I don't remember much else than the things I drew, so the one last thing was the tree that was absolutely slithering with snakes. I mean these things aren't really real hallucinations as in I literally saw lifelike snakes in the tree. But it's like that's the closest human interpretation I can give it. If I looked at it, it had that violent snake-action morph going on, and I could hear the slithering with some kind of sounds in my head, and I could feel it like being a part of it. I perfectly understand the difficulty of bringing back some of these visions/feelings, but I really love to try even if I probably fail.. (attachment 6)

The last drawing is just some abstract thing/entity that I saw at some point when I closed my eyes, possibly during the peak but I don't remember much about it or about the context. (attachment 7)

As an ending note: I planned to dose on the next day aswell, but because of a little mix-up I ended up having just 4g of Syrian Rue. But that was an experience in itself. I didn't even realize how powerful that alone can be, especially in nature. I was absolutely hypnotized by the swaying of things, and when I tried to meditate it took me somewhere really deep, where I could pinpoint the spatial location of the origin of my thoughts, and just observe them come to life. When I came out of the meditation session I had the most massive tracers I've ever had from any substance.

Conclusion:

I really hope I get more chances to do this outside, as it seems to be the only "proper" way of doing it. When you're inside I guess it's more about yourself and about introspection, but out there in the middle of all the life, it's very very hard to not be amazed by all the magic and the subtle personalities around you.

i very much appreciate your journals, you have a knack for remembering the ineffable. i started to make video logs as a result of fading memories