I just recently finished a 47 gram Iboga root bark extraction, to yield 3.8 grams of fairly pure TA. It was to be split between my friend and myself. I decided to go first, because he was waiting to get as much methadone out of his system as possible. He is currently entering his flood as I type this.
I took 1.9 grams of TA in gel caps. I extracted it myself and cleaned it all up with acetone, so I know it was QUITE pure. The calculated dosage came out to 25 mgs/kg, the upper end of the scale for flood dosing.
I laid in the dark bedroom waiting for the experience to come on. I have to get some backstory established so that the experience fits together. Basically, I have been dating a girl for about half a year. She's wonderful, everything I could ask for. I did not believe in soulmates before I met her, and I still don't, but I admit ther is at least something to the concept. I could tell we were perfect for each other in every way as soon as we met. I had a very bad habit engrained in me, though. I have never had a girlfriend that I didn’t cheat on (we’re at like 10 or so on the tally). This includes the current one. We go to separate schools, about 4 or 5 hours apart. It wasn’t an issue at first, but it would wear on me when I wouldn’t see her for long periods of time. I would start flirting with other girls occasionally, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I love this girl. She is my perfect match. But like I said, I had a very bad habit, and it was in there deep.
So I’d been cheating on my girlfriend. Somehow I managed to convince myself that I should break up with her and start dating the girl I had been having sex with. I looked at her as too different from me (if only in subtle ways).
I was laying in the bed, though, reading on my cell phone, when the trip began. The first thing I saw was a tiny black man hovering in front of my phone, shouting “No! NO! STOP IT! PUT IT DOWN!”
So I put it down. I rolled over and closed my eyes, and vivid landscapes were forming inside my head. Brain movies. In between the brain movies, though, I could feel something above me trying to pull me up. I slowly realized it was the same black man who had yelled at me. So I looked up (this happened in my head) and he reached his hand down toward me, offering to pull me up. I gladly grabbed onto his hand and AWAY WE WENT. We sailed over this huge, beautifully arching rainbow, then across a quick succession of other rainbows. We kept going up and up and up, very fast.
Then he started talking to me. He began telling me about the nature of some very strange Ayahuasca experiences I have had over the last 6 months. He explained that the loop I kept falling into on Ayahuasca was actually a direct representation of the approaching singularity, and the universe cycles over and over again, from beginning to end, forever. He said that it always had been and always will be; the cycle will never stop. He said we weren’t living along a linear timeline, but a timeloop. This didn’t make any sense to me, so I asked him what it meant. He then showed me a vertical line (timeline) next to a circle (timeloop). The line grew into an arrow on one end, which then started rotating around the circle. I understood that this meant time was a cycle, and while time seems to be moving linearly, if you were to make it all the way to the end it would just start over again at the beginning.
Suddenly another black man appeared, this one skinnier and younger than the first. He was talking to me about something that seemed really mundane and unimportant. Then he winked at me, and I realized it was the same black man from the beginning, my guide, but he was appearing to me in a different form.
He grabbed my hand again and pulled me even further up. Suddenly I was looking at myself. This was startling, because it is the first time I have ever seen myself on any drug, ever. I winked at me, and I realized that it wasn’t really me I was seeing, but again Mr. Iboga. It was then that I realized even in his earlier forms, his voice had sounded exactly like mine. I had that something similar to Bicameralism was going on, and this was just the voice of God in my head talking to my ego, teaching it.
Things begin to get really hazy from here, and I know I will be leaving out most of the visionary state, because I just don’t remember what I saw. He tried to tell me something about there being an infinite number of parallel universes.
At one point I asked him what I should do about the situation with my girlfriend. Whether I should choose her or the other girl. He brought up pictures of both of them framed in rectangles, and with a “ping” sound, a green check mark appeared over my girlfriend’s head and a red x appeared over the other girl’s. I did not like this. As I said before, I had decided already to break up with my girlfriend. I thought to myself, “well maybe I just won’t LISTEN to Mr. Iboga! Maybe I’ll do whatever I feel like!!” What a silly thing for me to think.
The climax of the visionary state came as he grabbed my hand and pulled me up higher and higher and higher. We stopped in front of this small wooden door that looked extremely familiar. I knew where he had taken me; to the threshold. He opened the door. I asked if I was supposed to go through it. He said “I don’t know. You could.”
I knew that if I went through the door it would mean I’d leave my physical body forever. He seemed like he really wanted me to go through it, though. I thought to myself about how I really didn’t want to die, but if Iboga thought I was ready I probably should. He winked at me again. I reached my hand up. He instantly grabbed it and pulled me straight through the door at near light-speed. I felt my heart start beating really hard and thought “Jesus Christ, I am about to have a heart attack.”
Suddenly, I could see through my eyelids. I saw a ghostly form of myself rise up out of my chest and float toward the ceiling. To my surprise, my consciousness remained in my body. I asked my guide why I hadn’t actually died. He responded by saying “You cannot will it to happen.” I opened my eyes. The tracers and snaking beams of light filled my field of vision. It was very, very intense. I closed my eyes again. There was Mr. Iboga, for the last time. He said “I have shown you the secrets of the cosmos, taken you through death’s door and back, we have gone all the way to the end and then around to the beginning. There is nothing left. So what do you want to watch?” With that, he handed me a TV remote. I started clicking the button on it and the brain movies were back, cycling through as I clicked them. They were mostly sort of static patterns of different colors. After a minute or so the images faded, and I opened my eyes. The visionary stage was over.
I realized how bad I had to pee. I was still getting open eyed visuals to some extent. I got out of bed very slowly and tried to take a step. I realized how heavy and uncoordinated I felt. I stumbled the few feet from the bed to the bathroom, and peed. All of the sudden my stomach started getting very nauseated, and I felt like I was going to throw up from moving around so much. I stood completely still until the feeling subsided. Then I made my way back to the bed. The movement from this was too much, so I threw up in the trash can next to the bed. I was puking for a couple of minutes, the vomit tasted awful and bitter. After I was done though, my stomach felt MUCH better.
I laid back down in bed, and the introspective phase began. I started remembering certain things I had seen in the visionary state. My guide had kept showing me this ring of white light, saying it was “The Loop” (from my Ayahuasca experiences) and symbolized the natural cycle of the universe. He told me I was supposed to help start some kind of psychedelic revolution to free humanity. The loop of light was meant to be our symbol or something.
My mind wandered to thoughts of my girlfriend. Suddenly I remembered that in the ayahuasca loop experiences, there had been some kind of set group of us, of 7 people. It had been me, my girlfriend, and several other people that are very close to me. It was always in a specific order, and my girlfriend was always listed after myself. I realized that this had some serious significance; that we were a perfect pair, and we were supposed to be together. This flash of light overtook my field of vision and I felt like a deep blockage had been removed from my psyche. Something very, very, very deep. In the light, I saw the scene when I first met my girlfriend a year ago at her university. I remembered how when we had made eye contact for the first time, it completely felt like we could see into each other’s souls. The iboga brought back more memories of how beautiful I thought she was, how wonderful she was.
I instantly felt a massive burden of guilt and sadness for betraying the girl I hope to spend the rest of my life with. I burst into tears. I heard the voice of Mr. Iboga, he said “Tell her.” I didn’t want to, knowing how much it would hurt her, but I realized I had to if I was going to fix this problem. I had to tell her everything, spare no details, expel it all. Make sure the blockage could never come back.
I laid in bed for a few hours thinking about other things, most of which I do not remember because they weren’t nearly as important as the part about my girlfriend. At one point I started to feel really awful; really heavy and beat up, and starving but still unable to eat.
I tried to force down half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, because it had been over 12 hours since I had consumed any food. I almost immediately threw it up, which made me feel even worse. I was exhausted, and wanted nothing more than for the trip to stop and to be able to go to sleep. The iboga was not done working on me yet, though. I could feel it penetrating deep into my body, and had the thought that it was somehow massaging my soul.
The visions returned for a little while next, but they were much darker this time. I saw a man being gunned down by about 6 police officers at point blank range. They all looked full of hate, and just kept shooting him over and over again in the chest. I saw other people dying very brutal deaths, but I have forgotten those as well. I wanted the dark visions to go away, so I started smiling at them. Thankfully, they quickly went out of my head.
After this I laid there and thought about my girlfriend some more, and further realized what a truly horrible thing I had done. I realized how much I loved her, how much she REALLY meant to me, and how I couldn’t lose her. Mr. Iboga spoke to me again, telling me that I would tell her and would lose her for a time, but that she would come back and we would remain together after that for good.
I cried for a little while longer, and laid in bed still feeling very sore and worn out. I wanted to go to sleep very badly, but I still couldn’t. Shortly, though, I began to feel better. I realized it had been so long (about 24 hours at this point) that the Noribogaine was beginning to be released in my system. The level of euphoria climbed higher and higher, until I felt absolutely fantastic. The ibogaine was essentially done.
I got up, and while I was unsteady on my feet, I could at least walk, and it no longer made me nauseated. I went and drank some water, which felt very satisfying. I brushed my teeth to get rid of the vomit taste.
Then I went and got my computer, and began writing my girlfriend a very long message detailing everything. I told her about what had happened in my trip, and how I was beyond sorry, and prayed she would forgive me; but that I understood if she never wanted to talk to me again. I told her she deserved to know the truth.
She asked me if it was weird that she had already known. I told her it wasn’t weird at all, I wasn’t surprised that she could feel me being distant. I had no idea she had known at the time, and never suspected her of knowing, but post iboga I realized that we are indeed connected on a deep level, and there is no way she couldn’t have known what I was doing.
She told me that she still loved me, but that she probably wasn’t going to want to talk to me for a while. I told her I understood, but this gave me a huge relief, knowing I hadn’t fucked up completely and lost her forever.
She got off the computer to go to class, and I wrote her several more messages telling her how sorry I was, and explaining how I would keep flooding myself with iboga as many times as it took for me to kill this egoic side of myself forever. I feel like it will be gone for a very long time now, but another flood several months in the future wouldn’t hurt.
I stayed up for another 24 hours, meaning I was up for around 58 in total. I smoked some weed at the 58 hour mark and promptly went to bed.
I woke up the next morning tripping rather impressively on what I assume must have been noribogaine. The tracers and waves of static were back for about half an hour, then they faded. I spent most of the day recuperating, and further thinking about my experience. I cried several times, as the realization of what I had done to the person I care about most sank in. This made me kind of sad for most of the day. I got a little worried that this meant the iboga hadn’t completely worked, but I later realized that it actually meant it HAD.
It was clearly a good thing that I was sad, because it meant I finally understood what I had done. In the past I had felt no remorse for cheating on girlfriends, only remorse for being caught. After my flood, after having the blockage removed, I understood what I had been doing. I saw how awful it was, and it pained me to know I hurt another human being that I knew I truly loved.
Another night passed, and today I am feeling very blank. I was a little worried about that as well, but then I did some reading online and found that this is how you are supposed to feel. GratefulDad described it as “It just cleansed your body and mind, and begins to reset the receptors in your brain that were hardwired through years of learning and training. It almost makes you unlearn everything but the good stuff.”
This fit my situation very well and made me feel much better about the blank feeling. I tried watching some new episodes of a TV show I find really funny, and it was all right but I didn’t laugh as often as I usually do. I feel somber, and tranquil. It is a pretty nice feeling. Serene.
All in all, this was by far the most intense experience of my life, and that is saying something considering how far I tend to press most drugs to the limit, including ayahuasca. I feel like it has allowed me to finally unblock the final fetter to my personality, sexual promiscuity.
I deleted the majority of my friends on Facebook today, and it is now only the people closest to me. People I truly consider friends.
I have also made plans to go visit with my girlfriend in about a week, during which I’m going to be leaving her alone so she can collect herself. Breaking the news to her was a very hard thing to do, but I am so glad that I did it. It is going to take me a long time to regain her trust, and get back the intimacy we had, but hopefully it won’t take that long. I honestly feel almost like a different person. Like the iboga reset my ego, the record of my past experiences. I no longer feel stuck in a rut, and like I can make different decisions than I normally would much more easily.
It is a powerful, powerful medicine, and it goes deeper than anything I’ve ever done. I will certainly c
continue to work with it in the future, and I am considering taking another gram of bark tomorrow just as a booster.
I recommend this stuff to pretty much everyone, because I think it is medicine that could seriously fix most people, enabling them to live up to their fullest potential.
It is something that has to be taken very seriously, though. This is no toy, and it is definitely not recreational.
I am seriously making all of this stuff up. No, really.