NOTE: This story is fictional, but is written from the first person perspective.... Yea right

I had open wounds. Wounds that hurt. Pain from my past. We all do though don't we? I don't tell you this for sympathy, but I tell you this because I want you to know what I have been set free from.

At the age of 14, I watched my father die. He was playing basketball with my younger brother, he collapsed. I saw, I rose to the occasion. Had my brother get the phone and call 911. I did CPR. They came, they shocked him, and he did not come back to life.

These wounds were small, but set me off down a path of self destruction, and not in the sense that you would not think was self destructive. I was quite through school. Busy learning about math and science. I achieved. My mother was in a state of pain, and she lashed out at us. I forgive her now. Home was hell for us.

I sought love. I fell for a girl with a man. I pursued her hard, and won her love, well some of it. I became one with her, she was my first. I had the puppy love. She kept her boyfriend until he left for college, then she was all mine!!!! Not what I thought it was. I never trusted her (weird huh?) I left school dejected.

I remember my first day of college, so vividly. Thinking back on how little I was in school, when I say little, that means I was the nice, smart kid, that helped you with your homework, worked at the grocery store, treated his girlfriend well, and wasn't mean (sounds backwards eh?). Either way I remember sitting there, in my chair, in my dorm room, door was open, I was flipping a butterfly knife, thinking to myself, I can be whoever I want to be. Right now, I can be anyone. I no longer have to be the boring kid.

My EGO was born. World meet my ego, ego meet the world. I slept with a girl that night, a cute red head. I was the first man she ever gave herself to, and in the morning I threw her away. I became a leader. I had twenty guys on my floor following me. I was elected their leader. We pulled pranks. I slept with countless women. I drank too much, and abused Mary Jane.

That summer I went to BASIC. And as became a tool of US foreign policy. Now a weapon, my ego matured. Arrogance! I was now immune to the physical world around me. I was never cold, even on the brink of shivering.

More school. More girls, and a lot of one girl. She took away my ability to go to college for some time. I was dismissed for a year. It made the upcoming deployment to Afghanistan seem like a good idea. It was no longer a coincidence, but FATE.

I was charged with the lives of a few men, and wanted to bring them all home in one piece. I didn't make a single mistake the entire time I was there. I went to school full time (online), while going out on missions everyday. 20 hour days were common. I was running like an engine, red lined, pushed to the max, rings bright orange red. I had a few car accidents while I was there. I shot a few people that were not there to bring us good tidings. None of that really left a mark the way all the times nothing happened did. Like all the times we would come up to a speed bump, and a white Toyota corolla was there, parked directly over it. Of course white Toyota corollas were the cars we were told were carrying the bombs. As we drove by slow, I remember thinking "Please don't blow up, please don't blow up" Thankfully the car never blew up.

Upon return, I had proven my value, I was a man through and through, for I had survived war. My EGO was raging. I had a few girlfriends upon my return. Then I met her. I called her my hippie. I remember seeing her there, sitting there in a pair of green briefs, blowing MJ smoke out the window, I knew I was in love. She was patient, and sensitive. I was hard. I was arrogant. I was mean. For months she tried to soften me, to make me whole. I was too stubborn, and by stubborn I mean I had a death grip on my ego, or maybe my ego had a death grip on me?

I heard of a molecule, one that would change me. It was the Spirit Molecule. I had never tried any psychedelics, so in my most arrogant form, I went for the most intense as my first. I read the books. I read the journal articles. I ordered MHRB. I did the extractions. During this time I was preparing myself for what lie ahead of me. I knew in my heart of hearts that it would set me free. The extractions were rituals, spiritual rituals. I did them with respect.

I loaded a lightbulb and away I went. On my first trip I met all of the matter under my control, and it made me sad, because most of it I did not need. Then I spoke to the universe, in the the universal language of emotion. Thats when it told me that the universe was made of love, and if I listened for it, I could be wrapped in this love too. I was. I am.

I no longer value the things I used to. Confidence is but a game, a game that I no longer want to play (And I find by no longer playing the game, I am in turn truly confident). I no longer play a lot of the games that I used to. I realize now that in the vastness of what is the universe, I am so insignificant. And that is a good thing. None of us are important, as far as the universe is concerned. But what is important, what matters is how we behave in the universe. Our actions allow us to have an impact greater than ourselves. I no longer try to have a self serving impact, full of negativity and anger, and arrogance. I want to leave this world a better place than I found it. I pay it forward. I am positive. I no longer have wounds, but now scars, and scars don't hurt.

I can say now, that for the first time in my life I am finally free. I am clear. My mind is clear. I no longer have the burden of carrying any of this anymore (And the universe knows there is so much more I don't remember and will never confess). And thats why I wrote this, so those of you that are lost no it is possible to find yourself. If you meet the right molecule in the right state of mind.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for allowing me into your community. Thanks for the positive vibes, and the never ending support. If the world was more like this community, I think the we all know it would be a better place.

Welcome to the Nexus!

Thanks a lot for this detailed essay! Its good to have some insight over your (fictitious ) life, understand a bit better where you're coming from.

Im glad you were able to self-reflect and notice the destructive behavior and unconscious games you were playing. I guess you are aware but I feel like I have to express anyways: Even though you may feel much more as a free person now, remember the path of life is continuous and there's always room for improving, being more aware and 'free'. Psychedelics can def help, as long as we understand that ultimately it is us that have to take the steps, not the substances, they might help us see things from different perspectives but the hard work of integration and dealing with daily life is still ours

By the way you say you did an extraction and tried with lightbulb vap.. I really strongly suggest you try other smoking methods out, considering the light bulb vap may work but it is highly inneficient and unreliable.

Also, any interest in trying oral dmt?

You still with the hippie girl?

See you around!

endlessness, Thank you for your kind words.

The self-destructive behavior I was doing wasn't outwardly self-destructive. I was living the life. Achieving things. But destroying my soul. I agree with you completely, on pretty much all that you said. The DMT only made me vulnerable enough, to let my guard down, to have an intense introspective journey. Its like DMT opened a door, but I had to do the work to walk through it, and work with the experience afterwards. That is where I really made progress, was in sitting down and just thinking. I will keep seeking to better myself, now that I am free from all that was holding me vback

I have moved on to a GVG, what a difference!

Me and the hippie are still going strong (She really isn't a hippie, she was just more liberal than I was when I met her. We have both moved from our respective sides and met somewhere definitely left of center). At first she was kind of upset that the DMT had such a profound effect on me, for this was the change she was trying to help me make for the past two years, and blamed herself for not being able to make the change. I feel so much closer to her now, due to my increased vulnerability.

You have had quite the humbling journey by the sounds of it. From arrogance to introspection to humility - welcome to the nexus!

JBArk

Wonderful introduction, welcome. The parallels of Afghanistan to Vietnam are a convincing example within your story.

Welcome to the nexus.

thank you so much for your intro. I really enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing your story like that. I wish you the best and hope to see more of you around.

cheers&love
Enoon

jbark,

You described my personal journey so well, so simply and eloquently. Being humble is amazing. With this humility I am no longer heartless. I feel genuine compassion and respect for all people. I used to be a get out of my way or I am going to eat you alive type-a. And I expected everyone around me to live to that standard, and saw those that didn't march to my mantra as weak.... How foolish of me. How sad. It is such an odd feeling, in comparison to how my mind operated before. I can have conversations with people, and actually listen, not just wait for my turn to speak. I ran into two Mormon missionaries today, and we had a conversation about religion (Fortunately, they were not pushy). They explained to me their beliefs, and I listened, and asked thoughtful questions, not in an attempt to find a weakness in their beliefs but to better understand them and what they believed in. They asked me my beliefs, and I explained my feelings, on how arrogant man must be to believe that he has the whole universe figured out, or explained. And I can say we walked away from each other with what felt like genuine mutual respect. The old me would have scoffed at them, at how weak they were for needing religion, for being "brainwashed".

Carrierwave,

I would agree that there are definite parallels between Vietnam and Afghanistan, but I have the utmost respect for those who served during that period. Most were called into service, for a war they did not agree with, with no support, and borderline hatred from the population, while receiving horrible post tour care from the government. And on top of that, based upon the stories I have heard, and read, I would consider the anxiety of imminent death to be orders of magnitude higher in Vietnam than Afghanistan.

Another thing I am now free of, my anxiety. I used to bury it below a tough-guy exterior. I remember finding out that there was a broad daylight robbery at gun point a block from my apartment a few weeks ago. My anxiety skyrocketed, and I fell back into the military style of risk mitigation. I wanted to find a way to carry a gun with me, so I could feel safe, and defend myself. After a day or so my logical mind finally kicked in and I remembered how to put those feelings away, just as I did while I was over there. After traveling to hyperspace, I no longer walk the earth with the suspicion that everyone out there exists to mug/rob/kill me. Its not that I am blind to the possibility, for it is possible, but I stay in the present.

Enoon (And basically all on the nexus),

I can't not thank you enough for the kind words, the encouragement, the lack of judgment, and support I have received from all in the community, whether it be directly, or indirectly. I wish to thank you all for listening, it is a privilege to learn from you all, and to have my contributions considered valuable.

Your story brought tears to my eyes and i want to thank you for sharing it with us

Wow! This makes a good combination thread with another thread: The "would you give up entheogens for you lover" thread. The girlfriend in that thread needs to read the trip report in this thread!

I don't think I could imagine a better representation of the psychological healing and growth power of entheogens. A very uplifting report, jumpjump. Thanks for sharing it.

obliguhl! You reminded me of one more thing that I can't believe I forgot to mention.... TEARS!!!

The last time I cried was the day my father died, my neighbor was there and witnessed most of what transpired. She comforted me. I sobbed for almost an hour that day, and then never again. Never, not once. I couldn't. I had to be strong, for my mother, for my younger siblings, for I felt crying was weakness, and I couldn't be weak. After a few years, I wanted to cry, I tried to make myself cry. I couldn't. I watched movies, read books, not one. For almost a decade I never shed one tear.

Then I went to hyperspace, and woke up, my cheeks covered in tears. After over nine years of never crying, I finally did. And now I can, I am no longer afraid to be vulnerable. I no longer see it as a weakness.

I read the lover thread, and felt sorry for the young man posting, but even sorrier for his significant other.

My girlfriend is excited to take a trip, and she may this weekend. She has baggage too, and insecurities, and I hope she able to take away as much from the experience as I have. But I have mostly remained silent to her, for I don't not want her to feel any pressure to perform or experience. I want her to find her way on her own

ah yes, the tears!
It's become rare for me to be able to cry without the help of psychedelics. It can be so healing though, allowing yourself to really open up to all the tiny (or huge) moments of pain that you have gone through, and to allow them out. Freeing yourself from their weight. Shedding them like old skin, leaving you naked and raw to the touch.

I wish all the best for your significant other. May she, and all of us alike, be gifted with grace, so we can embrace life more fully, and in each action and moment pursue this desire to be more than the moment before.

Much love
Enoon

Wow, JumpJump. I was very moved by your amazing experiences. I am glad you were able to take your lessons and use them, you're an inspiration!

great essay, truly inspiring stuff

Apparently the medicine worked out very effectively for you. Your hippie shouldn't worry about that - this is a medicine that just did the work it's good at! She doesn't feel guilty if you have the flu does she?

Congratulations and thanks for the writeup!
And don't downgrade yourself too much, there is just no end to your successes - letting go of the Ego is no mean feat

Really, a very wonderful introduction...and powerful story of hope.
Thank you for the candor, progressing through ego and back out is a transformation of much beauty. Welcome.

What a wonderfull experience and how wonderfully you wrote it.
This is the kind of experience I would like to communicate to drug-naive, pro-prohibition people.
Very illuminating. Thanks for sharing!

Wow, powerfull stuff jumpjump!

I'm really happy for you that you have been able to look at the world with a new pair of eyes.

My brother is in the army, maybe I will mention DMT to him sometime, see what he thinks

That was a beautiful essay, jumpjump. Welcome to the Nexus, glad to have you aboard.

It's funny how something so small and so simple can be so powerful. It can definitely serve as the self-destruct function on your ego and conception of the Universe.

Another interesting thing to note is that those who have been through much, made many mistakes, have many scars, and have left many scars are those who can truly realize the freedom you can attain from this molecule and other forms of spiritual liberation. I look forward to reading more from you.

Wow, thank you for the great story and introduction. I think it is great how you were able to overcome self-indulgence, challenges and avoid a downfall. I like what you said about how we are insignificant yet we can create an impact greater than ourselves, this is connectedness and love, to better yourself for the sake of everyone and everything. I'm fighting to put my ego aside, it is a tough battle, but I know good things are ahead of me. Good read, it gives me confidence, the good kind

Thank you for mentioning tears. It makes me feel good to know that others value them as I do.

I feared crying for twenty-something years, although I seemed to favor it's presence. I cried out of despair and self-pity. Never anything else. After having some journeys, I now find myself crying out of immense joy and GRATITUDE. A song will play, and I'll sometimes carefully yet elegantly and precisely relate it's beauty to a friend or even myself. At that moment; I'm struck by the beauty of the song, my talent for this and how much I can appreciate what the song means to me as a result. I found last night, I can even trace the distinct sounds back to my childhood, which further increases the profundity to me. This can lead to immense elation, euphoria, and fulfillment for me, and happens rather often.

This self-articulation has always given me great joy, I came to find out last night during an illuminating experience; because it used to assist me in avoiding being abused when I was younger, and so it was a necessity to be honed. I've come to truly appreciate the absurd irony and paradox that I now see in my life. That which I used to use for protection and hiding, I now use to thrive and be vulnerable. Without contrast; an experience showing the other end of the spectrum; there is no beauty. Contrast is beauty.

Forgive my ramblings. I'm very tired after yesterday, and I admit my words are less than gripping or elegant at the moment. I'm afraid I don't post my experiences enough and I've let the awesomeness of last night's experience spill out in a bare bones fashion. None the less, I feel good having related to you, and I welcome you to the Nexus

Love and Gratitude