Hello fellow Nexians,

First off, would like to state my deep respect and gratitude for this location my consciousness has been lead to, and the wise, benevolent, and compassionate beings that reside within it's depths. My browsing's within the discussions have, to say the least, been truly uplifting and awakening in my times of confusion and suffering. This site has served as a blessing, being able to read and second-handedly see other's perspectives, as the first experience with the molecule of spirit was obliterating and devastating to the previously held world view within my mind. This site is a church for me, where those sacred individuals commune.

So, to begin, a brief description of my Being. I occupy and operate a 22 y/o white male, originating from slightly north of San Francisco, CA. Raised atheist, son of a father who programs computer software and a mother who gives bank loans. Work as a lift operator at a resort in utah, sitting in a shack, pressing buttons. one younger brother striving to be a composer. Hobbies include, drawing, painting, composing(plays keys, guitar, bass, reason, logic, ableton) snowboarding, skateboarding, wakeboarding, mountain biking. Have been practicing yoga for the past two years and maintain a meditation practice on a moment to moment basis throughout the day, contemplating stillness/emptiness/non-attatchment. Hetero, no girlfriend, maintain a low meat diet, lots of fruits and vegi's.

My interest in DMT began after witnessing the death of a dear friend. A morbid curiosity of what was on the other side of death took over, and my fascination with NDE's and mystical visions became overwhelming. I read Dr. Strassman's "The Spirit Molecule" and began my first steps toward spirituality thus far in my life. Reading the experiences of his subjects while on DMT opened my mind to the possibilities contained within life after death. Somewhere inside of myself, began to long for my own experience and knew I would like to try, if only to satisfy my desire and curiosity of what was possible by these types of experiences.

before Dmt, I was a habitual ganja smoker for 6 years, experimented with the psilopsybin mushroom numerous times, and LSD multiple times. Experieced Salvia Divinorum only once, stayed away from pharmacueticals, opiates, narcotics, amphetamines, cocaine, etc. My inclination was toward plants, especially teaching plants, mainly those containing the wisdom that I so craved for in my times of confusion growing up. This last 2-3 year period of my life has found me searching through every youtube video about, occult, satanic, freemason, mythlogy, symbolism, government coverup, earth changes, 2012, kabbalah, spirituality, futurist, UFO, you name it, if it was underground and wasn't on TV, (I was done watching TV at this point, a house of lies!!) I watched it.

Among the videos I had heard Terence Mckenna, David Icke, Joe Rogan, and others mention a plant called Ayahuasca. This plant induced visions of a mystical nature and was affectionately called "The Vine of Souls." At my resort job, I worked with two Peruvians who I consumed ganja with regularly and who (coincidentally?) had taken Ayahuasca. They were my doorway to the realm of the Incan plant teachers. They were always hesitant to speak of the plant when I asked of her, but acknowlegded they had imbibed. This was the winter of 08-09. In addition to having my friends from Peru, I recieved many other synchronizing tidbits from my research, all pointing me in the direction of Peru. So, I decided that summer was going to be my trek, and bought a plane ticket for a 3 1/2 month trip to South America.

While there I was taken on a two week retreat through the sacred Incan valley from Cuzco to Urubumba, to ollantaytambo, to Machu Pichu. Our group worked with the San Pedro Cactus(Washuma-The grandfather cactus) and experienced an Ayahuasca ceremony. We also worked with the Coca leaves, Incan gold. The experience was extremely rewarding, had many highlights, was extremely enlightening, and the teachings were phenomenal. I would recommend it to anone looing to learn more about the wisdom of the plants from those who truely repsect the teachers. I am able to put anyone in contact with the teachers showing adequate interest. It is important to note that my first ayahuasca ceremony was uneventful. we began at around 4-5 in the afternoon and sang until 11 at night. I experienced no visions, no out of body experience, and other than the ganja we smoked during the ceremony was a very mild trip, less so than mushrooms. No purge was experienced. Others in the group were experiencing purges and flight and so on, but I, myself was not experiencing any out of the ordinary events. That was true until we had finished the ceremony and everyone was sitting relaxing and dancing to calm music. I felt extremely calm and decided to stand and sway, acting like a tree. I became so relaxed doing this I lost consciousness and fell to my knees(so i was told) then to the ground and hit my head, and passed into unconsciousness(was not breathing, no pulse) for aprox one minute 30 seconds. My next memory is waking up to my guide laying me on a matress. Wanted to have a near death experience but was hoping to be conscious for the journey. Overall the greatest teacher of this section of the journey was Washuma, waking up my potential for growth. It was not my time for learning from Aya, it was not until my fifth time drinking was I taken for my vision. I had to be given the name of a shaman by my guide who I would visit and undergo a ceremony with in the jungle, properly, for we were in the mountains, the home of the cactus.

I then journeyed to Pucallpa, the furthest into the Peruvian Jungle accessible by road, to The village of San Francisco de Yiracocha on the shores of the Ucayali River. There I visited the home of shaman Antonio Munoz who was working in Lima at the time of my arrival. As he was not present his brother, and his son and disciple offered to assist in my ayahuasca ceremony needs. They offered there space at $50 a day, all meals included-enforcing a diet of potatoes, rice, and fish, (and plenty of bananas.) I opted for three days of working with the plant. The first night of drinking was a purge and sleep, with not much remaining in my memory, the second night was brief awareness of hyperspace, a purge and, many waves of knowledge and deep knowings about my place in the universe. The third night I was purged, then dropped, kicked, and sucked down into the earth, Gutted and drowned to my very soul in the abyss. Expecting to see beings, and visions of light and angels, I saw my greatest fear of my death. words will never do it adequate justice. That which can only be described as a complete ego death in a Tibetan Buddhist sense, and a flight through the depths of the blackness/emptiness of spirit. Upon my return, I was given a vision of having to occupy a friend's body, who I had created many judgments upon and was forced to live the rest of my life as him with those judgments, realizing that my judgments are my own creations, and I should judge others as I would want to be judged, for I may have to live as them in a lifetime. Then I was given my body back and was in utter shock while simultaneously feeling profoundly grateful to be myself and have my vessel. To breath was a gift beyond words. The gift of breath makes life worth living.

Since the teaching, I have been faced with the most difficult part of the lesson: INTEGRATION. How do we move through life knowing, DEEPLY knowing, that we are a sole soul, a consciousness, a drop in this infinite ocean? Utterly meaningless and small in a sea of blackness...I feel as if I am emissary between the land of the living and the land of death. Having seen the light, and seen that there isn't a light at the end of this tunnel. That death is only the stage before rebirth, feeling trapped in this energy, the dirt for eternity, even grasping what eternity could mean. It is as if it never went anywhere but have always been moving. I expereinced LSD a few months ago and went to the fire with about 10 others, only to see my ancestors waiting for me at 3AM, all out to burn me for my own ignorance and weak nature. eternal spirits shining on me, devastating. I can only detach from my thoughts for any freedom, as waves in the sea, clouds in the sky, just keep breathing. Just Keep Breathing. Find the sun, find the positive light that grows us up and forward. Try to not feel like the black hole, the density of infinity sucking other suns towards the blackness. I feel like a vampire, clinging on to the shreds of my old identity, searching for ways to build my boundaries again, but knowing i never can for we are all one. and I am the one. I am the sun and everyone I ever knew was my corona. the shadows of who I have been. Everything I thought I had any idea about I must forget...

I feel grossly inadequate and humbled beyond belief at the implications of this great and powerful plant...I struggle everyday because I am back in America now and have No Body to express my feelings to. This is my journey and I am here, now, where ever that may be. I sure as hell don't know. But to whoever is out there, know I share in your suffering, I'm here to offer my respect for the struggle, and my deepest thanks for your existence in this land of life and light. Kindest regards and peace.

zeroinone

Excellent intro essay, thanks for sharing so much from you and your stories

Im glad you have had so powerful important experiences with these substances, and im sure that travelling experience and all the moments you lived through have been greatly learning! Regarding integration, yeah it is the hardest and most important part of the experience, hence our dedication to it in the Health and Safety section. Maybe if you have any more tips you want to add, feel free to contribute there

A few questions I was curious about, did you try or plan on trying vaporized dmt? What about extractions?

Thanks for the welcome, the next step on my journey will be to the Sonoran Desert in Arizona to commune with the toad of light, bufo alvarius. Since I am in utah it will be a short trek. My plan was to visit the toad, trying to connect on its level, possibly taking some psilopsybin? Waiting in the dark with a flashlight out to attract bugs and simply waiting, not trying to force it to give itself to me but letting it come to me out of free will. Then milking it. I am unsure of the device to use once i have milked the toad, a using a meth pipe seems a dirty method for this beautiful medicine. I have been pondering how the natives may have done it. Maybe a bowl of hot coals, with a thin flat rock on top with the medicine, vaporized through the heat, big inhale, with wasted smoke though.

I would really like to have a toad of my own but the more and more I consider it the more I see I would have to earn the toad's respect and light, because of its uniqueness as a living being. I would not want to encroach on its freedom or keep it as a pet (would i want this?,) but to somehow have a mutually beneficial relationship would be awesome. Any tips on native smoking techniques or from other friends of the toad would be awesome to hear. I have been browsing that section of the nexus but have not quite found what I am looking for through there. again thanks for the warmth nexians, really looking forward to spreading good ~~~'s in the community.