I started this life being an outsider. I never had much trouble spending time by myself but always wanted to fit in with the majority. My dad is a Christian reverent so living in such a environment gave me good manners and helpful intent, but still my choices separated me from the other kids. I was fortunate to live right next to the mountain so I escaped by running around with the children from the farm workers community. This made me my own person from a young age and a stranger to conformity. I started being less affected by authority and rules, structured to control us. Also from a young age I didn’t feel the religion I was brought up in was for me. Mainly because of the pretentious manner everybody would be on Sunday, always pointing finger at each other, but as soon as they got home they were as bad as the rest.
Started smoking cannabis at age 14 and soon going to outdoor trance festivals and this was still young in South-Africa. (English is not my first language so excuse me when I use words in strange ways. Afrikaans is what I grew up with
). Soon more people discovered these so I suddenly became accepted. This made me brake free even faster and then made me an introduction for the other kids to these “different” ways. I guess my dad being a reverent made me a leader as well, because soon I was looked at for guidance and help concerning psychedelics and drugs. That’s eleven years ago now and it’s still a growing experience for me every minute. Cape Town is now turning into one of the most amazing trance and inner growth capitals of the world I have heard(not having the pleasure of going outside of the African continent).
Always knew about DMT being the pinnacle of crossing the veil and have wanted to try it for 8 or so years, but still remaining patient till I was guided by a friend end of last year into the most amazing experiences I have had. I am still recovering some fragments of the experience, because it was too much for mind to comprehend. I was completely involved with every feeling and visual too such an extent I only started taking note when I became aware of my body again. It makes me think of how little control we have really have over our small space of existence. Contradictory to what all of us believe.
Some other thoughts that explains a bit of my thought patterns.
It’s very interesting to me how the structures of development work. I have noticed that some of the skills or ideas that was in use to make recent changes to my person as a whole or not completely known to me and have as it seems to vanish or simply forgotten. It is so easy to forget the struggles of discipline when the triumph over a bad aspect of the self has been won.
I normally act almost automatically in my world where every aspect comes to me quickly with an underlying unconscious process. Decisions are made with thought yes, but my inner mind and intuition if I can, has instantaneously made it already followed by my conscious decision moments later. It makes me think of the same aspect people refer to as being impulsive rather that this is a decision made with an amount of what my morality is made of. Where is being impulsive as I understand is acting to the first idea that pops in the head not connected to what you will normally do in the process. When I have to make a decision that has the right or wrong question involved depending on how nature relates to others I would inside have an urge to make the right. I know it’s difficult to place a definite description to what is right and wrong.
I think my deep underlying or fundamental property is the Law of what you sow you shall reap or do onto others as you would have onto thee. I truly wish for my whole being to resonate this Law instead of it being part of the thought process. I am starting to understand the idea that we are not separate. It’s difficult to imagine that all the people around us are in fact not just a part, but us.
My understanding when keeping in mind that I feel very strong about personal growth, when you act in indifference to others you in some ways actually stem your own growth.
Difficult to see the connections to where it comes back, but we are all one.
I use my power lovingly because I have influence over others and myself... I forgive myself for the past. I let go with love and understanding by remembering I am much more than moments that have passed.
I Organize in order to Equalize
I Balance Opportunity
I seal the store of death
With the Rhythmic tone of Equality
I am guided by the power of MY OWN POWER DOUBLED!