Hi everyone!

Like many other new members, I have been a shadow on these forums for around half a year ( I'm a dedicated lurker ). Now, with some new experiences under my belt and, consequently, more questions and ruminations incubating in my mind, I feel like I am ready to begin contributing and interacting with you! I am consistently intrigued by the maturity, intelligence, and wisdom disseminated on these boards, and hopefully I can preserve this nature with my presence and ideas.

All formalities aside, I would like to briefly recount my current state of mind in relation to my most recent psychedelic adventures.

Around seven months ago, I happened to stumble upon a piece of literature that greatly exacerbated my curiosity regarding psychedelic substances; the book was Strassman's DMT: The Spirit Molecule. After this seminal moment, I dedicated time each day to researching on Erowid and various psychedelic forums (Shroomery, reddit.com/r/psychonaut, Bluelight, etc) about preparation considerations, personal experiences, and scientific facts. After a period of time, this zealous research culminated in my first experience with LSD on a beautiful, crisp October morning with a few good friends. To abridge a wonderful account, I can say that this trip marked a pointed turning point in my life; when I revisit the day in my mind, it glows with an iridescent, enlightening splendor, and I think about it when my spirits are low and my doubts high.

Fast forward 1-2 months. I decided it was time to approach that behemoth looming in the inky corners of my insatiable mind - DMT. I settled on having two friends with me, both of whom had never encountered the compound. I told them the nature of the trip and that I should not be disturbed. Upon constructing a cheap little device, I loaded the chamber with trembling fingers, burned a stick of incense, closed my eyes for several minutes, took some deep breaths to calm my nerves, and began to inhale the mystical vapor.

Following the first exhalation, I naively looked around me to gauge any overt distortions of reality. I was feeling somewhat strange, but nothing appeared out of the ordinary. One of my friends lazily tapped a text message on his phone, the other looked at me with intense curiosity. Raising the device to my lips, I sucked more vapor. Now the visual distortions were evident: the room was embraced by a cascade of lurid colors, things began to wiggle, and an intricate black "fish net" pattern began to cover my legs in a 3D mesh. Closing my eyelids, I noticed an intense white light emanating from somewhere above, but, no matter how hard I strained to look up, I could not focus on it. A kaleidescope of rich, colorful fractal patterns soon flooded my inner eye, and I watched them spiral and regenerate in fluid, seemingly infinite motions. I had never seen anything so complex and beautiful - in fact, it was impossibly beautiful. Upon exiting the trip, I remember trying to articulate to my friends the monumental profundity imparted to me. "Hold on! I can't wait to tell you what just happened to me..." Of course, subsequently leaving the trance, I was unable to fully convey what I had encountered. Similar to relating a deeply engaging dream to another, the DMT experience transcends wholly intimate communication; during the exposition you remain cognizant that the experience is one that cannot be fully expressed outside of your consciousness. The futility is almost humorous.

My second experience occurred a short period after. I will not go into the specifics, but coming up I had the feeling of intense Deja Vu. "Oh my, I've been here before! How could I have forgotten this? How could I forget the beauty, the intensity, the impossibility?" Coming down from this trip, my lips were locked in smiling position, tears coalescing in sparkling pools around my eyes.

During my third trip, however, this positive essence began to deteriorate. At a friend's house, I decided it was time to see what Dimitri was up to again. Feeling bold and mentally prepared, I considerably increased my dose and attempted an inhalation method focused on breaking through. I sucked in the vapor until it was physically impossible to continue, falling back into the deep folds of my couch. Before closing my eyes, I perceived that my immediate environment was distressing. Unaware that I just entered a trance state, some people walked into the house and began laughing and causing commotion in the kitchen. I remember trying to express to them that I was under the influence of DMT, but I could not articulate anything. I closed my eyes and sank back into the couch once more. This time, that white light from before completely enveloped me, and I felt the notion of "myself" being stripped away with incredible power. I thought I was going insane, that I had physically died from some freak circumstance, or that I was in a state of mind from which I could never escape. Soon, shadowy figures began to materialize in the white expanse before me. They appeared to be little men with pointed little shoes, and they danced around me in a sinister, ostensibly mocking fashion. The surface upon which they danced consisted of black, fractal-like patterns (very similar to these). They did not speak to me, and I couldn't distinguish specific features marking the entities other than the shoes and their short, elf-like stature. I could attempt a further description, but it is unbelievably difficult for someone with such little experience as myself.

Coming down from this trip, I was absolutely shaken to my core. I had a newfound respect for DMT, and, quite frankly, I was terrified (and am still somewhat terrified) of the prospect of ever returning to that mindset! The destruction of my ego was simply too much for me. I desperately resisted its "death", and it led me to the edges of madness...

Anway, it has been a few months since that experience, and I haven't dabbled with psychedelics since (outside of Cannabis). What frustrates me the most is that I absolutely cannot fully remember the details of the trip. I remember the shadowy entities, the overwhelming feelings of insanity, the predominant blacks and whites, the fractals, the approaching death of my ego - but they are all bathed in a dreamy haze. Furthermore, my anxiety has increased greatly, and I have been suffering bouts of existential depression more often than I normally do. Of course, I do not attribute my emotional issues solely to the DMT experience, but it certainly has exacerbated my propensity for them. Sometimes, it feels like I "lost" something that day the shadows danced around me...something that has disconnected me from ordinary human consciousness. It is difficult to explain, but I have felt extremely separated from society lately (more than I normally do, at least). I have been seeking counseling at my university, however, and I have also started practicing meditation.

So, these experiences (among others I left out - MDMA, mushrooms) have been the primary catalyst for my decision to join the Nexus. I am tired of my isolated brooding, and I am frankly sick of subjecting myself to irrational thoughts and anxiety. I think that conversing with others on the forums and exchanging experiences will help me reintegrate my psychedelic experiences more fully - I have obviously proven that I am incapable of doing it alone! It is also my hope that by expressing my sentiments and journeys that I can help others as well.

Ok, phew. I'm done! That was much much longer than I initially intended. Thanks, and I hope to see you around