Word.


Catalytic Word.

Truly the most inspiring journey i have encountered.you have humbled me and challenged me to go deeper. the entirety of your experience has changed me for the better and has envoked power.thank you for your healing. well done you fearless warrior.

Great report ant!..I hope you find all the space you need back is western culture to integrate this..

I am curious about one thing..you say that you would have died if it were not for these curranderos..can you go into more detail abotu what you actaully mean by that?..ayahuasca is not toxic and will not kill you physically, unless you drank a rediculous ammount, and then you would for sure purge it out too fast for it to build up to that. Do you really think that you would have physically died? I have gone through extremely terryifying and difficult experiences with large does of cyanescens, where I had lost my mind for many hours and fallen into complete maddness..durring the peak of these trips I was sure I either was dying or had already died, and people were worried about me since I was wandering the forest delusional with the forest speaking with me and I thought I had contacted bee spirits ..it was like being in the spirit world. Afterwords, of course I knew that I wasnt really in any physical danger..I have had similar things with ayahuasca but not to the extent as I have with a handful of cyanescens. Those are the trips that really shake the foundation of my being.

Thank you for trusting us with your story. Your sharing it with us is an honor in itself.

Sounds like an intense time. I'm sure you'll integrate over time. I'm a little confused, I'm not sure who had the experience, Art Vandlay or Antrocles. I think it was Antrocles who once said he's never experienced fear, despite taking hundreds of trips. It sounds like he got to that point this time. Congrats.



Yes, I think about that a lot. And nothing has given me greater compassion for people and all living creatures than experiencing for myself what it means to break down mentally, physically, spiritually, and have a sense of imminent death. That's what heavy doses of ayahuasca will do. Thank you ayahuasca. I have compassion because I know that anyone who dies potentially faces that fear of total loss, and I know that all anger and frustration and violence in the world is due to a fear of that oblivion that everyone faces. I have to have compassion for that fear. Also, I have come to learn that the fear of oblivion is not truly the end of all ends. There is something beyond all understanding behind all the fear and dying. It is that wonder of all wonders that I want to share with people.

Good luck in your new life.

Not me. I just posted up the reports for my friend, who was unable to do so himself.

Glad you're back, buddy. Much love.

I just got done reading the trilogy. (a little late it seems)

Umm...wow...thank you for sharing. That was out of this world.

Don't know what else I could say.

Thank you, Antrocles!

" Do you still think DMT transports you to other alien worlds as said in previous posts or is it just mental ?"

you never answered this question. also you talk about experiencing madness... so what did you see/experience? perhaps i missed the details in this thread, but i see no details, just profoundness lacking substance.

I look forward to specifically knowing what you saw that changed you or forced a change upon you

I just hope that you didn't push this whole thing too far. You know, enough to cause any lasting damage to your relationship with DMT/aya. In Chapter 2, it had seemed to me that you were really beginning to master the art of the ayahuasca journey!

I'd like to hear more about your perspective as it stands now, after a few days have passed.

Much love...

too difficult of a question... for such an enlightened soul?

pretty sure he's busy doing more important things than answering snarky internet questions.

Skinwalker’s snarkiness aside, there are lots of us who are genuinely concerned about Antrocles. He’s a vibrant, articulate, and enthusiastic member of this forum and his contributions have touched many of us very deeply, myself included. He contributed regularly and frequently, and I miss that. His sudden absence is a real and palpable loss.

I’m concerned about his well-being. I hope he’s doing OK.

There’s also a bit of selfishness in my desire to hear more from him. All of us who have gone deep have (or should have) concerns about the implications of our explorations. Where does it all lead? Antrocles has led the way – he’s pushed himself harder and further than many of us would dare, and I know he has insights that might help some of us. It would be nice to hear what he has to say.

He said he's going to be posting a lot less, and we have Art to tell us if he is alright. Relax guys. He is doing absolutely fine, he is integrating the unintergratable.

I spent the afternoon with him today, in fact - and am happy to report all is well. He's just taking some time to process his experience and figure out where life takes him from here. I'm sure he'll be back from time to time to check in with all his pals. I'll let him know he's being missed.

It appears you haven't been blessed with such a trip. If you understood what he's been going though, you would cringe at your posts. They are severely lacking in compassion (and respect). This was complete disintegration. You don't just wake up after this and move on. No, you're a new animal in a new body and you have NO idea how it functions anymore. At any time your mind can start spiraling down into the abyss and for weeks there may be little you can do to stop it. It's a fucking nightmare cycle that plays over and over again. Sanity, madness, sanity, madness.

I like your question, skinwalker. I think it's important. It's your timing, delivery (and self-awareness) that needs some work.

hey guys- art just brought it to my attention that this thread was running a little wild and i should come give an update....

to be totally honest, pilotsimone is about as close to hitting the nail on the head as possible. every minute of my life is a meditation right now. my past has been made complete in a way that is beyond description....but in the most accurate description i can muster, it became earth-shatteringly evident to me days after that experience, when enough of my atoms had come back together, that every moment of my life...this life and all previous....had been in preparation for that experience. the way i drank the yage was even a little beyond me. i mean, i am certainly one to see fear as an indicator that i need to go deeper, but seriously....it was like a man dying in the desert being given a bottle of evian. i guzzled it with absolute abandon....

the seicoya say that in the spirit world, god's rainbow-colored children drink yage constantly. it is their nectar and manna all in one. to drink it with equal gusto in this world is a way of honoring the yage and pleasing the spirit world. on more than one occassion they would exclaim in spanish after i had received and devoured my gourd, "he drinks yage the way yage is meant to be drunk!" the point i'm getting at is that i wasn't doing that because it tasted good or even because my mind wanted to explore deeply. my soul wanted it. my spirit saw it as the manna it needed. i drank until my spirit finally got what it wanted....completion.

having such a thorough sense of completion with every moment of my life prior to that experience, my reconstruction has been challenging to say the very least. i have no old habits, patterns, distractions that i can use anymore. relationships were all made whole. everything was perfect and whole, because it resulted in my ending up there exactly as i was and it was BECAUSE i was exactly as i was that i was able to endure, survive and come back from complete annihilation. there was/is no relationship, no event, no good thing, no bad thing, no regrettable thing, no lamentable thing, no unfulfilled thing, no deeply satisfying thing, no anything that was not perfect and complete after my return from the beyond. it was all done.

and it still is.

so, now...my life looks like this: the panic-attacks are very few and far between now, but i still get one from time to time. when i do, i repeat the mantra, "this is a gift, my soul was ready to receive this gift and this is simply my mind struggling to climb up and sit with my soul, i will use this gift to help heal this world." it helps.

i am more present in everything i do because i simply have nothing for my mind to ramble off on. my past is done and the unimagineable freedom and space that creates in my life is jaw-dropping. it would seem that everything i ever did up until my rebirth was somehow based on my past. i have nothing funky with any soul. i immediately cleaned up what little funk i had with a couple people here in l.a. the day i got back.

i ended my relationship of 3 years with compassion and a deep understanding of why it needed to happen. as a result, my ex and i are still friends and a beautiful new facet of our relationship has come to the fore. i quit racing bikes. half my sponsors pulled the plug, the other half still sponsor me. all have extreme respect for my choice and my honesty.

i meditate every day. twice a day. i do tai chi every morning with a good half hour of chi gong beforehand. i am compassionate towards all beings. i have been celebate for nearly two months and my understanding and communication with women is what i always dreamed it could be. that's a lot coming from a guy who was abandoned by his mother when he was 2. my compassion for my mother is immense. i am complete with this part of my past as well.

i am working night and day on my healing room. i am putting myself into debt making this space the most righteous psycho-spiritual gymnasium imagineable. once a trainer, always a trainer i suppose...but after what i have gone through and the understanding of how DMT played such a crucial part in my transformation, i will most definitely continue to offer the most righteous experience in the most righteous setting to all seekers who find me. it is one way i will continue to contribute to the healing of this world.

art is going to take some super-pro pics of the space when it's done....trust me- you'll be halfway to hyperspace just walking in this room. then you climb in the hammock (seicoya style) and i'll guide you through the rest...

it's amazing- i feel more sense of purpose than i've ever felt in my life, yet- i don't know who i am now. i am of the firm belief that right action begets right opportunity. i simply take each day as it comes. i train my clients as if it is the last thing i will do on this earth. i don't stress about money at all anymore. what is needed will always be provided. new clients are coming daily. i have more work (both training and DMT) than i could ever imagine and i love every minute that i get to be of service. i am here to help and to share this gift i've been given. the seicoyas taught me so much...they singled me out and shared unimagineably deep mysteries with me. they told me i was meant to do this work. i was meant to heal. they told me that my soul was fearless and that it went into the spirit world so far that it risked losing the mind when it returned.

they told me my mind was very strong to come back and not be insane. they told me this meant i was a healer because i could now empathize with all who suffered. from anything. the 'wounded healer' as my beautiful sister pilotsimone shared with me...

"When I stand before thee at day's end, thou shalt see my scars and know that I had my wounds and also my healing." ~Rabindranath Tagore

it's a very touch and go process i am in now. i am sorry for not being able to post much but hopefully this helps explain some things. i'll lean on art to help keep things up to date when i'm unable to post. just know that what i am struggling to embody and accept is the very thing i always said i wanted. i will find my way. i am a warrior and i didn't go through what i went through simply to be a butterfly.....transform and live for a short time as something new then die....

i went through this because i want to live in a new world and that new world requires a new me. new cns, new physical body, new compassion, new humility, new love for all life. new understanding.

new eyes.

it all starts with the self... and that being the case, i can say from the source of all that i am that i have most certainly started...

with the deepest love and gratitude!

and skinwalker- please don't confuse my lack of details for anything other that what i reiterated a few times in earlier posts. i was told very bluntly that i am not to share any of the details of my journeys until such a time as they have fully blossomed within me and i am the embodiment of their teachings.

in short, rather than be the narrator of my experience, i am meant to be the embodiment of it. this was told to me by both shamans....ascended masters...with a gravity that i understood i would never be able to go against.

"rather than try to bring the world of no-language into language and severely diminish it in the process, it is our work to raise our way of communicating to THAT place. to understand one another beyond language. to learn not only to speak with the soul...but to listen with the soul as well..."

this is their work. though i know i will have to speak to do my work here in this world, i draw my strength from this very same idea.

L&G

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with us throughout this ineffable experience

do what you gotta do man!

much love and gratitude to you

Good to hear you're ok and everything is going it's way
Peace bro.