Hello dear friends!
Since I'm new to the forum, I figured I may write a introduction essay on my first experiences with psychoactives.
Besides being interested in psychedelics since late childhood, I never had the chance to experiment much due to my responsible nature of being. None of my friend or acquaintances were in touch with the stuff, so neither was I - until one year ago, when I met my wonderful boyfriend whom also have a very healthy relationship with psychedelics.
I frist tried 4-AcO-DMT two times, but both times were very emotionally painful, as though I was coming closer to something dark that was hidden. Sadly, I never really figured out what it was. Due to my failure to target the problem, I gave up on it, the same was I had done the past years with my light on-and-off depression.
Late in october last year, my boyfriend and my best friend decided to come together and explore ourselves with MDMA. One hour after swallowing the pill, both my loved ones were on their way up - I was on the other hand heading down. I felt absolutely terrible, and went for myself not to bother the others. After some minutes my boyfriend asked if I wanted to speak to them, and so I did.
As soon as I opened my mouth, I felt as though a door that had been locked for years suddently opened, and all it held in burst out woth tremendous force. I cried, holding my friend's and boyfriend's hand, sharing forgotten memories. I remembered being bullied by my closest friend and her friends, I remembered what they told me, and how it made me feel.
That very instant, I understood it all. I felt the root of my general melancholia, I understood why my self-esteem had failed, I understood why I am so close to having a eating disorder. I understood my social awkwardness, my perfectionism, my lack of faith within myself. This was a great discovery, because all these years something had bothered me, but I never understood what it was. Now I did. And more importantly, I knew that I could let all of it go.
In this serenety, Ishq's Yu started playing at the stereo, and the music echoed within me. I was totally cleansed inside, and the feeling I got when Yu started playing was absolutely incredible. The music filled every part of my body, sounding as pure as it could be.
For the first time, I saw everything clearly. I sat there in total amazement, because this clear sight wasn't limited to myself. What I experienced was a profound discovery of the core self, of the true me, or what I would call the Atman. Once I had the connection with Atman, I also could feel Brahman - God, everything, The Source - although I still was very much in my own body.
I told all of this to my boyfriend, and asked if what happens on DMT is that you go into the core of Brahman the same way I went into the core Atman. Going into Atman does not require detachment from the body/ego, since Atman, the core self, lives in your body. Going into Brahman, on the other hand, I imagine require loss of ego for the Core Self to flow into the Core Everything, since the pure self is exactly the same energy as Brahman.
Even though I'm being told over and over again not to have any expectations, I have a strong feeling about where DMT may take me. Saturday I will try to enter Brahman with DMT, and we'll see wether my suspicions are true.
Much peace and love to everyone!