I’ll start with many thanks and much respect to all who dedicate time to this beautiful website. You all humble and inspire me. Have been silently reading since 8/31/09.
This is a long post. But it’s an essay about DMT in SWIM’s life. I figured I’d write it all if I were to write any of it.
Psychedelics have played a major role in the creation of my present self. SWIM experienced some of his first realizations, mainly about human interaction and the way we’re all the same in some way, in high-school eating street ecstasy and mushrooms. (now disagrees with consuming pressed ecstasy pills, having seen the effects of some in a different light) Mushrooms have been particularly dear to his heart and were frequently consumed for a few periods of time through his years at college.
In the summer of ’09, SWIM first came across DMT through a somewhat random person with a connection. SWIM jumped on the chance to obtain some (0.8g) and rigged up a light bulb pipe with some plastic tubing and a drinking glass. The first experience was with a friend who had helped immerse SWIM into mushrooming. The friend controlled the candle that was used to heat the light bulb. The rush of coming up was so intense and felt slightly familiar, something like mushrooms but unexplainably more intense (tryptamine visuals). Energy was bouncing around the room, seemingly all focused on SWIM. Everything was saying, yes, yes! This is you! Go, go! SWIM took at least 3 deep hits, but it was coming on so fast that SWIM stopped and sat back breathing very heavily. The space around SWIM “opened up”, idk how to describe this other than the air around him was not just empty space and air anymore but had some sort of substance to it or just more to reality than was previously realized. An embodied entity (an amazingly multicolored silhouette as the visual part (though the real entity was the energy felt)) floated in the room for an extremely brief period of time at the peak, and it felt like he knew SWIM and he was saying without words something like, yes, this is you, this is real. He was truly just connecting with SWIM in some way, just there with SWIM in a “deep” way, and SWIM loved his energy/style. Everything seemed to express, “come with us”, but SWIM was nervous or scared or too blown away by all this and just wanted to take this in for a little bit, and apologized a few times, saying “sorry, sorry, SWIM can’t go right now, idk why, but he just can’t, he knows he’s lame for this, but sorry he just can’t go” (not that SWIM knew how to do that or what that even meant, which was probably the scariest part). This was all during the peak, which lasted for a super short period of time, not really sure about an actual time period, less than a minute for sure, probably less than 15-20 seconds.
SWIM messed up the candle part or something went wrong and the friend was not able to get a good dose due to harsh vapor/smoke.
SWIM was so excited about this new experience though and wanted everybody in the world to try it. He tried it a few times after that and never got even to his previous sub-breakthrough level, because it was too intense, especially since he knew what was about to happen. It seemed the universe and he, were disappointed in his lack of courage. He brought it to a friend’s apartment where a group of kids who were not really knowledgeable of psychedelics were hanging out. He was meeting a friend of a friend for the first time who was going to trip with him (mushrooms), and had tripped many times before. SWIM asked him about DMT and if he wanted to try, to which the friend said yes. SWIM was basically “showing off” with the DMT when he got there. The kids knew that SWIM and the friend of a friend were going to eat mushrooms, and SWIM was displaying the crystals and talking about his first experience. SWIM tried to give this kid a dose, but it was just not happening. He wasn’t inhaling correctly, or SWIM wasn’t providing enough heat or something and the kid ended up not taking in very much vapor. He got a tiny bit though, and sat back to feel what SWIM guesses were very light effects. Then SWIM tried taking a dose, while letting a third person watch the beginning of the process. While SWIM was getting the vapor going, and starting to come up, the energy of everything this time was expressing, a simple no. “This isn’t happening this time. You don’t get to.” Things felt flat or just not as lively and bouncy as before, even though the effects were being felt in a way. SWIM quickly backed off, complying. Then 5g of mushrooms were ingested, and SWIM had an extremely uncomfortable next couple of hours.
It’s hard to explain, but about 1-2 weeks before this night, SWIM was on mushrooms just enjoying a view of the ocean, and was thinking about DMT and started breathing really heavy, just like his first DMT experience, and pumping himself up or something and started feeling more and more like he was entering a DMT trip, he did this for a little bit, like 30 seconds, and then relaxed. He was now enjoying the view again, but now also had a “mind view” so to speak. He had a little situation that he “saw” but it was just in his mind, but much more real than a common thought. The situation was dancing human like forms, just a few of them, dancing in a circle. They were pulling things out of their heads, just like creating matter in front of them. He was half watching this, half creating it, like a daydream or something. Then the situation turned into, “what if SWIM can’t do this thing they were doing”, and the dancing forms started laughing at him and making him an outcast (even though he was never part of the group). And one of the forms got closer and expressed, “ha ha, you are a little nothing”, to which SWIM responded, “little nothing?! Bitch, I made you!” and then stuck a large middle finger in his face and collapsed the whole thought/situation thing. Then SWIM only had the view of the ocean and was like, wow that was weird, but felt all powerful or something for doing that and didn’t think twice.
Now back to ingesting 5g of mushrooms for the first time since then. For the next couple of hours, the universe was extending middle fingers to SWIM in the form of visuals (visuals of the same middle finger he used on his vision/thought thing), and SWIM was also realizing what a complete douche he had been with his handling of DMT. SWIM thought the world was going to end because of him or something, and thought SWIM deserved to take his friend’s gun and put a hollow tip bullet through his forehead to make amends for his actions. Of course SWIM was a pathetic squirming mess and couldn’t bring himself to do that, so he just begged for forgiveness and asked if it was ok to stay alive and told the universe to use him for any purpose it deemed necessary. SWIM couldn’t understand how when he felt like he knew so much; he was behaving in such a disgusting way. This following tidbit does not have a direct connection to anything, but it’s just interesting: He had recently shaved his hair of like 4+ years and broken up with his girlfriend of two years right before experimenting with DMT for the first time. This gave him a good feeling though. He was being “himself” in a way like never before.
He then can’t bring himself to try DMT again and throws the rest away since he had no one to give it to and didn’t want it sitting around his house.
About a year goes by, in which he explores popular ideas on divinity, and different religions and such. Also pretty much stops going to school. He stays away from all drugs for the most part soon after all this. Even cannabis would put him in a state of panic and he thought, especially since he wasn’t going to school and making something of himself, that he deserved to die and that the universe was going to drop him dead right there. Towards the end of the year, he starts eating mushrooms and occasionally MDMA again. Mushrooms put him on a spiritual high where he feels really in tune with everything, and like he knows/feels God more than ever before. Eventually, he feels a calling to DMT again. He feels he should go back and basically set things right or get some closure or something.
By this time, he had read a good amount from this site and felt more than capable to extract his own. He is a Chemistry major and has extracted and crystallized substances in labs. He is low on money, and so he gets a friend to fund his experiment and in return will provide his friend with DMT. His friend has no experience with DMT, other than knowing some people who do it. His friend has not read extensively about it, and SWIM knows that he probably doesn’t respect its potential and SWIM also knows that he plans to sell it. In the end, it turns out to be unnecessary to involve his friend, but SWIM has talked so much about it with him, that he decides to continue their plan and SWIM gets a double order of raw material.
SWIM’s extraction went well, except that it was, imho, somewhat crude. He used “Q21Q21's Vinegar/Lime A/B Extraction Tek” and didn’t wash his product in any way. He used store bought Naptha, which he is never going to touch again. Not trying to say anything bad about that tek, because it provided a great yield of white and yellow crystals on different pulls, but Naptha is not for SWIM at all, especially mixing it open air via that tek and freezer precipitating it in the kitchen freezer with food in the freezer and refrigerator. Yuck!
So SWIM had loads of DMT which he is extremely apprehensive about trying. He lets a girl who he is spending time with look at the extraction process, which was a very stupid thing to do, again in a “check this really cool thing out” sort of way, unnecessary showoff-ness. SWIM gives portions to his friend who partially funded the materials. His friend is selling it for way more than a reasonable price, and sharing it with people in a group setting that is, imho, not really appropriate for a full experience. SWIM tries DMT again two or three times. None of them were successful breakthroughs, and he feels like he lets the universe and himself down in some way. He feels like it is important for him to breakthrough, which makes it even harder because he has this “pressure” of sorts. That whether he breaks through or not is going to dramatically affect his life and this world. His method was a bong with cannabis and also tried a volcano vaporizer. It’s very connected to letting oneself go or something, which has proven too hard for SWIM. He can’t bring himself to try it again because he doesn’t want to fail again. SWIM ends up selling the rest to his friend and gets rid of any extraction equipment (not much for that tek).
It has been a little more than a third of a year since then and the thought of DMT is on SWIM’s mind everyday, almost all day. He is fulltime back into school, and is generally progressing in every aspect of life that he wants to. (school, fitness, music, art) He feels like he is constantly communicating with the universe, and wants to succeed in life, as much for it, as for himself. He wants to make the most of himself and affect the outside world in the best way possible. Sometimes he thinks he must be crazy, but there are so many “synchronicities” that he keeps these beliefs.
SWIM hasn’t really been ingesting substances since his last break from DMT. He feels that if he can’t properly do DMT then he’s not really deserving of something that isn’t as important. He has smoked cannabis three times and eaten 2 grams of mushys once. He doesn’t know why, but things just aren’t completely right because of his strange past with DMT. SWIM feels that if his existence doesn’t completely end after a full dose of DMT, then things will be better in a way. If nothing else than it will end the worry that plagues his daily life. To be completely honest, he also thinks that he needs to see the other side in order to know something important that’s going to affect the way he lives, even though his life has already been affected so much.
SWIM is currently spending most all his time alone and planning on another extraction. He has a good amount of root powder left and this time there’s no way he is going to do anything but treat every single thought and action towards DMT with the utmost respect. He really has no idea how he managed to be such a fool. He plans to use Armor fati's Nontoxic approach w/ limonene. He is nervous about another attempt at breakthrough. He goes up and down about it all day. He is planning on getting a GVG so that his smoking method will not cause any problem. If he loads that pipe and begins to inhale, then there will be no stopping until 1) there is nothing left to vape or 2) he is no longer in control of his body. Also he is going to close his eyes. SWIM has yet to ever close his eyes and try to relax.
Although this probably does not convey a proper depth to his experiences, it sums up SWIM’s time with DMT. It also felt good to write this all down.
I humbly ask to become a member here. Thanks to whoever spends time reading all this and I hope it could help someone if possible. I love you all. A main theme for my life currently is “Purity of Intent”. Those three words were gotten from members here.