Hi DMT Nexus family,
Thank you for letting me have the opportunity to join this forum and participate in what I believe to be a very important culture. I have been visiting the forum for some time and reading posts, but never registered until recently.

Let me go ahead and tell you about me, and my history to give you a better idea of where I'm "coming from" so to speak. I was introduced to psychedelics earlier this year for the first time. It was during the worst hell of my life and I truly thought I wouldn't make it through another day, I was so suicidal.

I don't believe in sob stories and pitty parties, but I am putting my life story out here in case someone else like me one day comes in here looking for something...anything to hold on to.

I was born transgendered, have had all the gender correction surgeries (female to now male), was inducted into a sick cult as a child (Jehovah's Witnesses) and was sexually, physically and emotionally abused by my parents. Although I told my mother the very first day the stepthing molested me, she did nothing and threatened to punish me if I didn't keep quiet. I also told everyone in the church constantly, for YEARS AND YEARS , and the Jehovah's Witness elders didn't want any bad name on the organization so they just swept it all under the rug. Instead they "marked" me as bad association and most members kept a distance. Social gatherings never included any invitation to me.

Add to that the fact that no matter how hard I tried to imitate girls and do what was expected of me, I could never walk or make my mannerisms feminine enough to be undetectable to the rest of society, let alone think up topics that didn't give me away as some kind of freak. (During my childhood and teens I loved to talk about computers, cars, electronics,and body building which made me come across as a "weird girl" to the church members) Even before transitioning, you could clock me a mile away and I often looked like a boy in girl's clothing, although I had female genitalia.

I never felt like a guy, I have KNOWN I WAS/AM a guy ever since my earliest recollection of consciousness on this earth, so the transgenderism isn't due to sexual child abuse. This happens to all kinds of kids, and I just happened to have that on top of other sh8t in life.

I've severed all ties to my abusive family and I've pretty much got no one. I don't trust anyone, as I have experienced betrayal and abuse time and time again. I'm suffering from PTSD and despite my having gone to psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists and counselors for years, getting on all kinds of Rx meds that didn't do anything to help but sometimes even worsened things.

So here I am self medicating and self healing through psychedlics. I don't want to deal with people and I don't trust anyone who knows me in real life to know everything about me because in the past people have used this to manipulate me or to even put me down, including mental health professionals.

Plants don't care about money or their egos. They are natural and organic to the mind, body and soul. I haven't had the Ayahuasca experience yet, but I have adopted San Pedro as my father and the green Mary Jane as my new mother.

Thanks for reading and I hope to be able to be of some use or value to this forum.
Magick

wow, its an honor for YOU to have joined US! truly!

your strength is inspiring and your light and knowledge will help thousands over this life time. those who have been the lowest have the most to gain. the fact that you have chosen the path of psychedelic self exploration is a huge undertaking that will reward you with a life you cant yet dream possible.

much will be very hard, as we grow much more from out trials rather than our triumphs. i extend my hand to you in gratitude that you have the potential to do great things and help many on the road to helping yourself.
welcome magic, cast your spells upon thy self and fear not whats inside.

om'

Welcome. No pity party at all, just a story of much struggle and much difficulty, without enough love to make it okay. It's strange what religion is sometimes and what people act like it is (no dis to religious persons). I know the feeling of being betrayed and abused by the family.

I'm sure the plants can show you what others haven't. Your right, they don't care about money, ego, or control, they just seek to show you right? I have been eyeing some cactus as of late, it's the next thing on my list. Take it easy and well with the mary jane, she provided me comfort for many years, until I realized that I stayed wrapped in that comfort like a blanket, afraid to leave it. Now I want to use it once or twice a month. Still working toward this though.

It sounds like your on the way out of that hell. Keep the faith and keep digging in. Nature is beautiful, even if scary and unpredictable.

Thanks for sharing, I'm delighted to have joined the nexus with you!

Coming to the psychedelics from difficult times seems to be common amongst many advocates and indeed like olympus said, broken bones grow back stronger, especially with help from such powerful healers.

Good luck & I hope to see you around.

Welcome!

Hope you find the inner peace you are looking for and are able to heal those wounds that were unfairly inflicted upon you.

Please be careful with psychedelics, they can often show us things we dont want to see. Check our Health and Safety section for some (hopefully) helpful tips, like regarding integration and so on.

Unrelated question: Any plans of taking ayahuasca or extracting dmt in the future?

See you around!

Hi endlessness,
Thank you for the advice. I will re-read it again for good measure. I do have plans on Ayahuasca. In the past I've started to "acclimate" myself with very low 20g/20g but ran out. Also, the b.caapi was powdered, so I think it was very weak in potency. I have not entertained extracting of any sort yet. For now I'll just keep drinking low dosage b caapi tea to get familiar with the vine and then go on to the full experience at some future point. Right now my gut is telling me to keep researching and meditating on aya.

Nice to meet you too. Have you had the experience yet?