Hi everyone. I've come across the forum many many times in my googling sessions and found a wealth of insights and knowledge, certainly a unique forum. I hope to be part of this somewhat more mature community So here's a bit of the story so far..

I am currently 18 years old. I first became interested in drugs at the age of 15, starting off like an average Scottish teenager, drinking in parks and smoking weed. The first time I smoked green I was filled with a curiosity, it was not anywhere near as bad as everyone had told me. So from then on I experimented with stimulants, empathogens, euphorics, DXM and basically anything I could get my hands on. My usage was purely recreational, my parents weren't happy, but I was, I embraced the lifestyle fully and employed all sorts of philosophies to verify it's soundness.

By the age of 16/17 my cannabis use was really high, I would smoke almost everyday, in school and out. Eventually something developed in me, I would be shaky and nervous when smoking weed, I would be very quiet and introverted. At the time I just tried to shake it off thinking "This shouldn't be happening, I should be having fun". Despite the bad reaction, I continued to smoke. There would be a lot of inner conversation with myself, pointing out negative aspects of myself and the world, it was all very depressing I thought. I would avoid social contact and my social life in school started to disintegrate and my attendance dropped (though I still got very good exam results). There was fear in talking to people, pure, unshakable anxiety. You should understand, with this kind of anxiety, there is no reason behind it. What it is, is basically ignorance or choosing to ignore thoughts. For me it was a denial of myself, I did not understand who I was or what the world was. It was a misplaced anguish for society, the modern world and all its horrible implications.

So I went to the doctor and asked what should be done, I was put on propranolol. Funnily enough a friend of mine I did not often see was suffering the same kind of social anxiety from smoking weed and was put on the same medication. I found it somewhat interesting as I did all chemicals effect on my subjective consciousness, It made me simply not think about the things which would usually make me anxious, I was blank. My friend agreed.I stopped taking the medication and continued smoking weed, despite it's negative effects, I have no real idea why I did this except from the fact that it was necessary to the next part of my life.

So I got kicked out of school for smoking weed, since I was a relatively sound person and got good exam results, I was allowed to stay for my exams. I was leaving to go to college anyway since my school didn't offer sociology, psychology or philosophy. So for me it was just a funny story and some time off school which I despised because of my anxiety anyway.

I'll speed this up a bit. College = lots of weed = me smoking a lot of weed = anxiety = avoiding college and socialising. My subjects however kind of started to bring my passions to the surface, the anxiety wasn't as strong because I could process and output my thoughts of the world around me better. Around this time mephedrone came into things, and it was a very special time for me. For about 3 months I used mephedrone at least 2 days a week, very low doses. I could function perfectly and was a social butterfly. Pull ups, dancing, talking quickly and moving elegantly was all I did for 3 months, I was very happy and did not suffer withdrawal symptoms or intolerable mood swings.

Now this is the turning point. Near the end of the 3 months, the day before my 18th birthday, January 22nd 2010, some morning glory seeds had come through the mail. If your really interested you can go here - http://www.erowid.org/ex...iences/exp.php?ID=83484. This was my first ever trip, besides salvia which I tried a year before to that day. Salvia was basically WTF? But I found myself talking about it and trying to understand it more than my friends and definetely noticed a mood lifting feeling coming from getting your ego back.

I do think LSA is highly overlooked, I have had the strongest insights and revelations with these seeds, more so than high dose mushrooms and ayahuasca at times. Basically I was changed forever, I spent 2 weeks sitting on my bed which was then a mattress on the floor after my 18th birthday the day after the first trip in which I integrated the experiences over methylone and salvia, exclaiming to everyone my new found love for everything. Anyway, I had kept the mattress on the floor as it seemed natural and echoed by new found state of being. I sat there and looked up words which came to my head which I thought had something to do with whatever it was I was looking for. Mysticism, spirituality, godhead, psychedelic, Terence Mckenna were found. At this time I held the possibility that I might be going insane, but if I was then a big yay for insanity, this is what I've been looking for all my life, all the weed anxiety and distaste for modern life somehow made sense!

Since then I've been in debt to the psychedelics. After other revealing experiences I have drastically changed my diet, I've stopped drinking and indulging in drugs which do me no long term good. I've started to look after myself and respect life, I've become more considerate and loving to my parents and have found my true passions. My process of individuation is in place and I experience synchronicities a lot, It's as if nature guides me.

However, I still must learn and seek out the mystery. I have always been an introvert and have found the psychedelics by myself, I've never met anyone willing to use them for any reason other than recreation. I find myself with little in common with people around me. Trivial matters are always discussed, bias and ignorant ideologies are expressed everywhere and there is always that modern fear of silence, one must always talk, despite how little it means. I want to embrace everyone, to lift the tired and confused expressions from their faces and to dance with them without negativity into paradise.

At times I feel the pain of everyone around me, all the health and mental insecurities are felt as strange "brain-sensations" and rushes within the central nervous system. This, I now realise is what I was experiencing during my anxious period, but I had no means to understand or use it. I think this could well be the case with many people who suffer from cannabis anxiety and indeed I have seen it disappear from others by the psychedelics. My before-mentioned friend no longer experiences this and is now into psychedelics and outputs his thoughts on the world through writing, he found them by means other than myself or my friend group. Another friend who never could stand weed had the same revelations as I after HBWR seeds, he claimed I was "In his head" showing him things.

It is my great desire to train as a shaman and to heal, I feel like that is where I am being directed towards. But there is little means to do so and for now I am patiently going through university and learning how to interact with people with completely different heads from me.

I can't possibly put everything I've experienced and all the connections I've made here, this is long enough.

I come to you all with open arms and I hope we can learn from each other.

Welcome EO. Some of your experiences sound similar to mine. (I also just introduced myself today) It's taken me a helluva lot longer to get down to facts, but similar in many ways. Especially my cannabis use. Hard to think of something that starts off as so harmless and so fun as being the thing that's twisting you up. I experienced the fear of talking to people increase over the years. For me it was there since 2nd grade. But after the high school games it was like I wanted nothing to do with no one sometimes. I bounced from this job to that job and crossed more and more people off the list.

I've always been afraid the doctor would put away the pen and pad and break out the straight jacket and keys, lol. I just feel really frickin stupid imagining me talking to a shrink, that like most people, has an idea for the way things SHOULD be. I was also kicked out of school, not for weed, but for drugs no less. Your experience with mephedrone reminds me of my first experiences with crank while in high school. Just an extra kick of confidence and talkativeness that I loved. Anymore the stuff gets all in my head and I don't like it.

I remember eating morning glory seeds around the time I had first read about yage. I wasn't able to get as much as I wanted, didn't do any extractions or anything. But that night felt really good, clarity of conscious. I discovered my passion for painting that night.

The rest of your post also sounds much like me. No one else I know wants to explore psyches. Anyway, I'm not sure how it works over there, but around here, most massage therapy schools are reasonably priced and take less than a year to finish. I believe it is something I will be pursuing, (if/when I can) as it will open the door for unorthodox business in aromatherapy and other 'body healing' methods. Personally I'd like to do more with writing and painting, I find myself extremely passionate and proud sometimes, but I'm just not sure my mind is up to snuff.

Don't mean to highjack your thread, but your not at all alone here mate. Welcome, and enjoy connecting.

Oh no by all means hijack, I was about to do the same to yours until the back button was accidentally pressed and I forgot half of what I was going to say! We must have replied to each other around the same time. Quite a coincidence we should both join at such similar times.

What I have found with the doctor is that I can completely open up right there in front of him while still retaining my integrity. I know nothing will leave the office so I'm not too fussed. Now, however I'm not keen on going back to the state health system because, naturally, I would have to proclaim the healing powers of entheogens and I'd immediately be told that they are my problem. I would like some sort of of Jungian analyst and I'll probably pursue one in the future. If you haven't read it I'd recommend "Man and his symbols" by Carl Jung. It's an introductory book to Jungs psychology and it has been really helpful to me in understanding my own psychic processes and integrating daily experience. It looks a lot at the unconscious, dreams and spiritual development and it will help justify your sanity and the insanity of the western mind!

Also, I recommended LSA seeds in my earlier post, but I see you've already tried them

equal O-
i wish i had your outlook when i was eighteen! i could only imagine where i would be now.
honestly i don't see too many young people able to express themselves at the level you do. with that being said welcome! you have a good head on your shoulders keep your mind open for learning and take advantage of what the nexus and life experience has to offer you. if you need help locating information feel free to pm me.
OM'

Well, for me, it's one thing to pour myself out into the hands of others, and it's another to pour myself out into the hand that 'knows whats best for me'. I just don't like the image of me and doctor going at it, rather settle it away from there if I can.

Thank you for the book rec. Nothing like similar minds pointing alternative ways. I must then recommend Joseph Campbell. I read Pathways to Bliss, but if you look at his stuff on amazon you might choose something else (then again you might have tried and disliked it), but I remember his works mention Jung quite bit. Archetypes and myths and what not and freeing ourselves. You'll see. It was definitely responsible for helping me to see myself more clearly.

Ah, I've barely tried the LSA, not a psychedelic experience per se, but rewarding and cleansing no doubt. I am looking to cactus first, but will take it as it comes. Thank your for again piquing my interest.

It's great pleasure to have joined with you here today and thank you for your kind words in reply to my introduction. I can relate to being the only one I know that uses psychedlics in a spiritual and healing way. I'm also an introvert and hope to be able to open my heart to people again sometime in the future through the healing process of DMT and other entheogens. Welcome