Two days ago i took ayahuasca made of chacruna, caapi, a few mushrooms and an admixture that i have never used before that greatly amplified the psychedelic effects of the brew, but that also caused a side-effect that was so severe that i will not mention what the admixture was, since i think it is dangerous to use and if you say somewhere on a website "don't try this" there is a good chance someone WILL try it.
I didn't think this admixture would be dangerous in the first place, but in combination with the other ingredients it had the unforseen effect of making it very hard to breathe. At times i had to sit up straight because the weight of my chest was just too much. For hours i was breathing heavily like i had just ran a marathon while i was hardly moving at all.

The experience i had was very disturbing but also somewhat of a relief at the same time.

In my teen-age and adolescent years i had always been atracted to women, but a few years ago i started for the fist time in my life to have a relationship with a man.
For the past few years this relatioship just went like on and off all the time. It had put quite a strain on me but for some reason it just went on and on. Until i recently decided that i've had enough of it and that i'm not gonna do it anymore.

This has triggered many processes inside my head.
But the most disturbing one was, this: For all my life, even way before puberty, i've been having flashes of memories and during my puberty i went through a period of extreme anxietys and depression. I always had the suspicion that maybe in my very early childhood i was sexualy abused by somebody, but it was a subject that i always in a sense ignored. I realy didn't want to think of it. But during this ayahuasca journey i started to realise that this suspicion was actualy justified and that it probably realy happened, although i was so young then that my memories are not very sharp and accurate.

I later on talked about this with my mother and she confirmed that when i was two years old, there was a moment when i abrubtly changed from a quite happy and playfull little boy, into an extremely depressive, frightened and withdrawn child, and that i firmly refused to say anything about what had happened. This was after she had hired a baby-sitter for a day, that she didn't hire anymore after i had changed this much. She said that she had always been afraid that this baby-sitter had done something to me, but that she never dared to talk about this.

In my teen-age years there where periods that i had extreme fears that where related to sexuality and i had nightmares as well. I knew a girl who had been sexually abused as a child and i often had dreams where she told me: "i know why you are the way you are, and that is because you're like me, and this is our million years old secret".

At this moment i think i can say that i'm doing fine. I've overcome the difficulty's that have plagued me in my younger years. They've not taken over me, i have beaten them.
I am generally a happy person and i love this life.

I don't know what to think of it all, i guess i'm just a strong person that i'm still here and doing the way i'm doing.

Keep on moving foreward Polytrip. Thanks for sharing..best of luck in your journey.

Glad to hear youve beaten these difficulties polytrip, as fractal says keep going forward, always like your posts mate, thanks for sharing.

That's amazing, polytrip! Good luck and thanks for sharing.

Thank you for sharing this polytrip. I had come to a similar conclusion after a mushroom journey.

The last time I visited home, my mom wanted to watch some home movies from when I was very little. Up until the age of 6, I almost couldn't recognize myself, so talkative and outgoing, singing constantly then. Then something just... changes.

I still haven't had the courage to ask my parents about it.

We're in this together. <3

Hugs and love. It's an intense experience to recover deep and early memories, and then integrate them into conscious waking life. Ultimately liberating, though, in my experience... I wish you peace.

very glad to hear of your growth and the overcoming of your fears polytrip. it's so pathetic and ridiculous that someone would abuse an innocent child like that..what a shame. nonetheless, these people too are incarnations of the one consciousness..thus we must forgive.
i'm very happy to hear that aya helped illuminate your subconscious problems and has taken you a step further in your evolution; thank you for sharing my friend and live and learn

Someone also said that about me, though i was supposed to be a couple of years older. I also don't know what to make of it. Well, it seems like a dangerous path to be on considering how well you have surpressed this memory. But its also a healing path and i wish you good luck following it...

Nice one polytrip.

This is indeed some powerful medicine and it's good to see that you came out of this experience positive.

It's good having you around

Sometimes I wonder why all this barbarious people try to destroy the good in people.

I really wish you'd reconsider and post that admixture. I wouldn't want to make the same mistake. It is much more dangerous not to inform people of adverse effects that can happen.

You can't protect people from themselves but at least you can warn them so we can make a more informed decision.
If you thought to try this admixture than someone else is already considering it right now.

Thanks everybody for your kind feedback. I feel that my greatest victory over the person that did this to me is, that i have not become a person in need of victory over another human being, that i'm a person able to forgive.

It is fantastic that there is a place such as the DMT-nexus where you can be so open about those things you're strugling with.

The past few years i've been taking a lot of ayahuasca and it's amazing how it changed my life for the better. It greatly contributed to my present state of mind, being more willing and able to face myself than ever before.
It is also remarkable that all of the most recent changes that have been taking place in my life, where after some experiments with iboga and caapi.

It shows how these substances indeed ARE a powerfull medicine, that their capacity to heal, stretches even beyond what you're willing to ask for in the first place.

it was cinnirazine, wich is used against motion sickness, like small amounts of tropanes are. That is the reason i tried it in the first place, it's simmilarity in action to tropanes. The strength of it's effects on the muscles that move your lungs, when combined with the other ingredients is just so strong though, that i think this is realy very dangerous stuff and if you try it, you might just choke, i fear.
Better just stick to datura seeds.

Well done for sharing this, Polytrip. Do you think a visit to a psychologist/psychotherapist could help to unearth this some more? I wonder if they might know some tricks for regaining memories (I'm assuming there that you actually want to know if you were sexually abused, or upset in some other way by this babysitter). I was thinking at first maybe hypnotherapy, but I watched a program that indicated that the person in it just made stuff up that didn't happen under hypnosis, so maybe that's not the best idea. It does sound from what your mother says that this babysitter did at least something that disturbed you, that's for sure.

There have been tests in which people invented memories that I've read about in New Scientist... they would photoshop a picture of someone as a child into a scene, and then ask them if they remembered that day. Most people said they did, and started recounting the day, even though it never actually happened. The few that said they didn't remember, decided they did when asked a second time, and recounted the imagined day too. I'm not saying this didn't happen, just that memory can't be relied upon, and it might be good to keep an open mind for now. You sound like you have a very good attitude about it, anyway.

I'd be surprised if this experience had any bearing on your sexuality though? More likely that your mind has opened as you've got older? My friend's sister became a lesbian aged 27, having previously only been attracted to men. She says she wasn't attracted to women until she fell in love with one aged 25. After that she opened up and found lots more women attractive. She went on to become a lesbian, preferring women to men, whereas the girl she had her first relationship with went back to dating men. Maybe your two points weren't meant to be related though.

Anyway, good to hear you're doing well old friend

Polytrip,

Thanks for sharing about your revelations during your ayahuasca journey. It takes courage to confront old feelings, and I appreciate your honesty. Society and individual often put so much shame and guilt into issues and events concerning sexuality, so that makes it difficult to get down to the core of issues in this area.

I have had some memories revealed that I found easier to work with a professional to help me understand the feelings and memories revealed during journeys. I believe in journaling my journeys that reveal difficult feelings and possible memories. I have found that the writing I have done is very helpful in my integration work.

Happiness and Peace to you

much support polytrip dude.

Thank you for sharing and I'm glad you have moved on. It's good you have a confirmation that this happened. It's out of the depths of your soul.
Good luck my friend.

Ik wens je veel sterkte polytrip...

Very brave to share this with us, good luck!!

polytrip, I am glad that you were able to overcome your difficulties. Sometimes learning the truth of your past is not as important as knowing that you respect who you are today. if that makes any sense.

that's why i love working with ayahuasca......she will bring up all the suppressed stuff the conscious wants to forget about.......yet by bringing it up it can be a road to healing the hurt and pain..
.it's not easy to digest such information but very necessary for one to break free from those invisible chains that bind them........
best wishes to all who have been abused and or molested in hopes all find healing and don't become abusers themselves ........