Hello. It's finally time for me to write my introduction essay after approximately a month of integrating my first experience with smoked NN-DMT into my daily reality. It hasn't been a difficult integration, just a slow and respectful one. I have been presented with so many questions and I've been given a sensorial gift greater than a million years in the finest multi-media art gallery in the universe. As I've heard many times, nothing can prepare you for your first experience with DMT. This seems like an understatement to me.
In my 20's I used LSD extensively, mostly in fairly standard doses (1-2 hits of blotter) and several times with large doses (5-10) and once, a ridiculous 25 hits (with no tolerance). I figured that the fact that I had handled that experience so well (by some reports I was at my most lucid during that trip) that I would have the armor to withstand the most daunting effects DMT could throw at me. Consequently, I went into the experience with no anxiety. As a matter of fact I was nearly giddy with excitement. It had been 20 years since my last true psychedelic experience (I'm not including Salvia, more on that later) and I was sure I'd never get a chance to try DMT. So when the opportunity presented itself, I jumped at it, with almost no consideration of what I was getting myself into. A state of mind that I'm now slightly embarrassed by. More so, I feel that coming in like that was disrespectful to the spice.
But, I got my spanking!
A cosmic time out, that straightened me out in a nanosecond.
My sitter and generous provider of the spice set me up. (50mg white crystal protected by blue lotus). I took my shoes off and sat in the middle of his bed. His beautiful little white cat joined us, talking the whole time. He handed me the pipe, which I asked him to light for me. I was wary of handling fire in what I expected to be an incapacitating, psychedelicized state. He agreed and got me going. First toke was good. Tasted great and strangely familiar. As I finished the second toke and declined the third, the room was quickly covered in black and red neon leopard spots, that resolved into interconnected hexagons and then exploded into beautiful chaos. Too much visual information to process. I closed my eyes to blackness and anxiety gripped me. I thought: "Oh fuck! What have I done?!?!" What the fuck was I thinking? Smoking DMT with such a cavalier attitude?!?!
I got an instant response:
"I AM NOT A TOY." I DEManD ReSpeCt...."
I agreed to the terms of service without reading the fine print!
My anxiety was wiped away and I watched with intense interest as the black void received a tiny, but stunningly brilliant red dot. Like a bindi on the forehead of the void. A square of orange vector graphics surrounded the dot. The square seemed to be about 2x2 inches. The dot at its center, the size of a molecule. Then an outline of green. Then orange. Colors more vivid and more sharply defined than I could have ever imagined seeing. The corners of the square indented with semicircles and then a stunning mandala bloomed into being. It was so beautiful, but I only had a second to admire it, because it suddenly collapsed into a totally cliched mid 1990's style computer graphics wormhole.
And down I went.
This wasn't as cool as it sounds, because I'd seen it so many times in bad sci-fi movies. I got a special present though. With my travel came ego death. Or what I assume to be ego death. I'm unclear on who was observing the ego death, so I'm still a little confused on this point. Something happened though. I was aware that I didn't exist and that I had never existed. My wife. My son. Everything I had called my life was all part of a dream, and I was finally, truly waking up, for the first time. I was terrified. Sad at the loss of self and my family. At this point I saw an ominous black on black mandelbrot set. (Cheesey huh? I read too much Mondo 2000 when I was young. I mean, I have had coca cola product placements in Salvia trips. Ridiculous.)
[btw- I have seen this mandelbrot before, but in sparkling silver blue, under nitrous at the dentist office, an experience in which I also had a profound ego death style thingy.]
I opened my eyes and looked at my sitter who was smiling. I asked him: "Everything is going to be okay. Right?"
"Yeah. Everything is going to be fine."
I closed my eyes again. The mandelbrot set was still there, but it was now lying flat on a slightly raised rectangular surface, like a chess board with a little wooden mote around it. The edges were made of cheap plywood, and there were 3 mice running around in the mote, which I now realize, was the worlds easiest rat maze.
Then: *pop*. And I was in an aluminum/translucent glass room of un-knowable size. I somehow knew this was a waiting area. I was amazed the next day when I did a googl search for "DMT Waiting Room" and found out that this was a common theme. There were little striped ribbons floating in the room. They twitched every time my sitters cat meowed or a bird chirped outside. They did little twists and dances with impossible dimensional features with every intrusion of sound from the outside world.
The outside world.
I was coming back. I tried to tell my sitter what was going on, but I don't think it worked. Another minute or two of incredible abstract CEV's. Then I opened my eyes and thought... Oh yeah. What about trails? I waved my hands around. Cool. The little twitching ribbon guys had come back with me, and they were my trails!
I said the obligatory, breathless "Oh my god!" and I was down. Just like that.
Perfection.
I looked at my sitter and felt a deep love for him.
"Thanks man. You can't imagine how much I appreciate this gift."
"You're welcome".
Then we went outside to talk about my experience.
Now as I contemplate having another experience with DMT, I do so with great respect, love and a bit of trepidation. There is excitement of course, but it is tempered by the knowledge that I am dealing with a very serious, powerful and possibly intelligent thing.
I hope I can be a part of your truly amazing community. I never thought I'd be undergoing a second psychedelic phase in my 40's. I also figured that a possible spiritual awakening was out of the question after my agnosticism turned into a nearly dogmatic atheism a few years ago. We'll see what happens. I feel like I'm on a path. I think that's a good thing.
Thank you for existing.
Welcome home, Mister Niles.
Welcome Home Mister_Niles. We've Been Waiting For You.
"Don't worry. When it happens, you won't be able to not let it do its thing. You won't have the ability to distinguish a pen from a hippopotamus"
- Art Van D'lay