I would like to share some conclusions drawn from my experiences over the past two weeks, which have been some of the most intense to date.

PANIC

I have never, ever before been gripped by panic. 200+ Aya journeys, 100+ hard changa sessions, no panic, no need for sitters. I am a cool cat. Indestructible. (I say this tongue in cheek.)

Then, one night, I took .3 micrograms of melatonin in the form of a whole foods supplement (most synthetic melatonin supplements come in the milligrams, 1000s of times stronger than this). I tripped. INSTANTLY. I tripped HARD. This made me PANIC.

Why did I panic?

#1) Completely unexpected. This was not a situation that I prepared for and consciously engaged. Tripping happened TO me, and therefore resulted in a new level of loss of control.

#2) Was this safe? NOOOO idea.

#3) I have zero experience with panic attacks. I've never had one. Suddenly, the pressure was draining from my head, my heart was pounding, my bowels went crazy, I wanted to puke and scream and faint and--oh--thoughts about, what happens when the landlord finds me dead?

#4) Like a dumbass, I started frantically googling MAOI+melatonin reactions. All I could find was that melatonin, in extreme cases, can be hypotensive. Ayahuasca can also be hypotensive. My BP is on the lowest end of the healthy spectrum, always has been. Too bad all of the symptoms of panic attack are the same as symptoms of hypotension. My mind was out of control.

=====> So

A very dear person humored my hysterical nonsense on the phone. The minute I connected with a human voice, the symptoms dissipated by 75%. I was still feeling very weird.

There was also a very powerful subset of experiences in addition to all of these symptoms that were related to the melatonin; it is, in every way, as strong as a fullblown Ayahuasca experience, in that it can totally rip you to shreds and there is nothing you can do about it. Only, it's not sharp, it's soft and smothering. The intensity of dissolution was also grounds for panic.

=====> The scariest symptom in all of this was in my chest. Sometimes my chest felt hot. My pulse was fine, but there was a very strange and uncomfortable sensation in my chest that immediately grew worse whenever I would focus on it/panic.

I tried melatonin once again at <1/8 the dose, accidentally ingested cacao, and had several more episodes that were not triggered by substances of any kind. The chest feeling was present throughout all of them; I panicked less as I knew residual harmalas were clearing my system and there was less of a chance of this being something physically dangerous.

The chest, the chest, the chest, my heart. Was something wrong with my heart? Why was my awareness in my heart?

======> So, tonight I ate a banana, and felt like I was about to start tripping again. My head got hot--felt like Caapi--but I also felt THIS HOT, UNCOMFORTABLE, rotten tension in my chest.

I said, "Okay, mind, there are no more chemicals in my body anymore, so WHAT is going on? I challenge you... to a duel!"

I unrolled the purple yoga mat, suited up in my magic-mushroom-lotus-buddah yoga pants (freaking cool pants!), and faced myself.

A series of poses is essentially a series of diagnostics.

I was on the floor in bow-pose--an extreme heart/chest opener--and burst into TEARS. I cried and cried and cried and realized there is a ton of shit going on in my life that really bothers me, makes me very sad, and I wasn't even aware of it. Most of it is just tragic environment--at work, for example, I work in a very closely-knit environment, lots of people associated with the business have died, and there is this terrible, oppressive aura of grief lurking in the background constantly. It was taking its toll. There's a lot of other stuff on my mind, too, abandonment, being alone, grief, fear, things I still need to mourn.

Anyway, when I finally stopped crying, I got up and it felt like I had passed a LUMP OF HARD COAL through my chest. I felt so much better. In the three or four days of weirdness, I had a lot of moments of wanting to cry, but I was never actually able to just break down while altered and let it flow (usually, I have no problems doing this, altered or not).

I passed an energy that was intensely stuck, and it manifested as terrifying and insidious physical symptoms, which were the cause of panic.

I don't want to underestimate the importance of caring for oneself physically--but--there are also a fair amount of unexplainable freakouts here, situations in which the consumer of a substance is in sound health, takes nothing physically dangerous, and has a very negative physical experience, as illustrated by my example. I believe, in these cases, it is worth going deeper to probe for an emotional source of the anguish.

Love to you all.

**
P.S. Today I ate sea vegetables, a wide variety of sprouts, 2 avocados, tons of sweet fruit, cashews, drank loads of vegetable juice, and lots of other stuff. I know there are some people here who question the viability of my diet, but I regularly ingest 2000+ calories/day, I meet or exceed vitamin and mineral requirements, and get plenty of healthy fats. I do take care of myself. If I didn't eat this way, I would also panic about the state of my body during ceremony, so I have to rule out every possible source of anxiety as much as possible. I appreciate and respect the concern, but would just like to elucidate that while my focus is on fruit, and it has greatly augmented the intensity of entheogenic experiences I'm having, I am including a wide variety of grounding and mineralized foods, too. I am in no way starving myself. I've gained 30 pounds of muscle since December (RAWR!). I cycle everywhere, can do handstands and a one-legged squat standing on just toes.

Good morning ms_manic_minxx!

Sounds like youve been through the wars!

Are you certain that the melatonin dose was 0.3mcg? It would take some fancy equipment to weigh out such a tiny dose and I wonder if health supplement manufacturers would have the facility to do this-especially as other commercial preps have doses in the milligram range (2-5mg approx).

There are subtle differences between the symptoms of hypotension and panic attacks-with the latter one often gets sweaty palms, a dry mouth and tingling in the fingers and around the mouth (this being due to the associated hyperventilation altering the amount of ionized calcium in your blood).Panic attacks are almost invariably associated with a fast heart-beat and sometimes a tightness in the chest (this doesnt always mean heart disease is present).Hypotension, on the other hand, CAN be associated with a SLOW heart beat if the mechanism for bringing this about is due to vagus nerve activity.If its a direct drug effect you often see a mild increase in heartbeat only.

Im struggling to find a unifying explanation for your experiences.If a gun was put to my head and I had to express an opinion, I would hazard that your symptoms sound autonomic with secondary psychic anxity which is serving to compound your state.

I've found myself jettisoned into hyperspace after MJ ... came to the conclusion that once you make the Connection, it is always there, regardless of whether you are in ceremony or not.

Once you choose in love to be a symbiant, that's it:- it's always there, and continues to work in your life. I think it's a forever thing. Certainly I still feel Them working through my life, and I haven't been anywhere near spice in months. So the physical symptoms you experienced, I believe this was just Her way of getting your attention ;-)

Much Love, mmm!!

The problem with anxiety attacks is, that your body is more likely to respond this way after it happened only once. Anxiety is something you can learn easily and it's also very easy to imprint it on your soul. I've had weeks, months of almost constant panic attacks due to an anxiety issue so it can and propably will fade if you were to encounter longer lasting problems.

Are you positive that it wasn't 300 micrograms, or 0.3 milligrams? That dose is easy to find, and it's supported by evidence as being helpful for the appropriate types of sleep problems. But I've NEVER encountered 0.3 micrograms, and I have serious doubts that it would be effective. Consider the concentration of melatonin reached in the average human body at night and the level that would be generated in a waking person in daylight (with little to no melatonin production) if they took 0.3 micrograms. It's a drop in the bucket. Even if it was administered sublingually, I wouldn't expect any effects at all.

As for your panic attack, wow. I've never encountered any reports of that sort of adverse effect with melatonin. I've panicked before, sure, (damn pharmahuasca), but melatonin? What the hell receptor is melatonin going to bind to and cause such a reaction?! At any rate, I hope you don't have any panic attacks like that ever again, unless you're triggering them intentionally to desensitize yourself to whatever stimulus is triggering them.

I am very surprised by this post. Sounds scary... but melatonin? I take about 1.5mg every night to help me sleep. I didn't know mixing it with maoi could be like this. Better not take melatonin after a pharma trip.

Further research definitely reveals that all symptoms were PANIC, and not due to a life-threatening crash in blood pressure. Panic was definitely related in part to my ignorance of the details in both extremes, so I had no idea what was happening.

There was also a HUGE emotional component that was resolved. It was a very primal flareup of something in the subconscious that manifested as PAIN IN MY HEART--I have had similar body/mind connections with Aya/spice, but they were always much more coherent, manageable, with the sense of being bathed in love and guided, rather than, "SCARY SYMPTOMS ALL AT ONCE! YOU ARE ALL ALONE!" and having to make sense of it.

All while taking something that was NOT supposed to be psychoactive!!!

I also wonder if there was another compound in the grasses that synergized with the Caapi, creating the panic.

There was DEFINITELY a presence of melatonin (meditative state, relaxation, euphoria [between waves of panic], feelings of being wrapped in warm and fuzzy blankets); but, in addition to that, there was the presence of intense panic with psychosomatic manifestations. I don't know if the melatonin tripped the negative effects or if something else was responsible.

I want to experiment more, there were so many bizarre elements of the past few days that are beyond typing in a few posts.

BUT. The panic did come from latent, deeply repressed psychological content that was resolved through very challenging, OMFG-I-don't-want-to-die-style tripping, and my point is, really examine the core of those feelings (when you KNOW the body is not at risk), because a lot of people here have experienced some kind of panic in an otherwise safe situation. Yoga was an amazing way to get through it, and I wish I had done it earlier.

So, self-analysis and finding a way to balance the mind (maybe music, meditation, or something else works better than yoga for others?) is an amazing way to SURVIVE and UNRAVEL THE SOURCE of panic.

Love love. <3

I've had bad trips on psychedelics but never really because of panic. I can usually whether the storm fine. But, I did have one panic trip on jwh-018.
I just got some so I was trying it on some blue lotus. I was going very slow the first few days because I heard it can cause 'the fear' to creep up. Anyways I got a little cocky a few days into smoking it and I smoked two bowl within like 5 minutes. They were low doses but you're supposed to wait and feel the effects first. In five minutes I was soaring higher than I have in a long time.
I should have just rode out this amazing high, but I packed one more bowl. After that bowl I was instantly struck with panic and the fear. Everything started to get very intense and all my furniture seemed somehow bigger and the room seemed to close in. I couldn't watch the TV anymore, It was freaking out at me. I turned everything off and had to lie in silence for about an hour before I felt alright again. This was fear caused by extreme paranoia. I'm not usually paranoid on DMT or mushrooms because I usually see everyone as a nice, carefree person.

I take 3 mg of melatonin and I take 100 mg of 5-HTP before I sleep at night. About all it does to me is make me drift off to sleep a little easier. During that drifting time I tend to have mild visions sometimes.

I think you are right about all of the things going on in your life having been the root cause. Perhaps the melatonin triggers a physical response. The melatonin my help bring some of your feelings to the forefront of thought and help precipitate an anxiety attack. When I have micro-dosed with Caapi tea at night I find that I feel my mood is brightened somewhat countering the dreamy effect of melatonin combined with 5-HTP.

With some drugs, I have paradoxical effects. I get very wound up on opiates and this happens when I drink alcohol too. Make your own conclusions regarding paradoxical reactions on yourself.

:-) glad u made it through that one and glad it happened so that you were able to share it should it ever reoccur within someone elses experience

I've had an LSD flashback and pure 100% FEAR doesn't even begin to describe the place i was at. It is quite the shock to be tripping instantly when no substances are consumed. Glad you (and I) made it back with your sanity, some people aren't as lucky...

what's with so many people giving people guff about a living foods/no animal protein diet?!?!?
a smidge of unbiased research would effortlessly point to complete protein/mineral/vitamin requirements a million times over with whole foods.
more power to ya!
great post! very inspiring to witness others face these hidden aspects of ourselves with courage and commitment.
blessings on your path, friend!