A star journey, Introduction:
By way of introduction and to allow me to explain myself clearly, I am going to give you some background.
I had always discarded certain substances from my consumption because I considered them too potent or because they did not provide me with the desired effect. Also because of my predilection for compounds with the lowest degree of chemical processing to obtain them. This meant that I never had an interest in, for example, DMT, among others.
"DMT," hmmm, sounds like a lab chemical compound, I naively thought.
So, a year or so ago, I happened to see a docu about DMT; I was shocked and with my hair standing on end, because I understood an experience I had when I was 18 years old. And to date I have circled the sun 39 times.
More than 20 years, without telling anyone about that experience, because it was hard to believe, even for me, I imagined that verbalizing it to any "normal" person, they would automatically think that I was crazy or quite high when it happened to me. In fact, when my endogenous experience dwas over, I got up with a distorted face to ask my roommates if they had thrown "
drugs in the colacao" or something.
xD
Watching the documentary, I realized that I had had an altered state of self-induced consciousness. Good shit injected by my pineal gland. Yeeeeah.
I talked to a friend who was in his last year of psychology and he confirmed what he had seen in the documentary days before. And that there were many routes to get to those states in an endogenous way. It was the first time I was able to talk about my stellar journey with anyone. And I felt SO grateful for it.
-"I'm not so crazy after all," I thought relieved.
I don't know if it will work for you, the few times I've tried again I haven't been able to reproduce it. I don't know if that day simply "the stars aligned". The idea is to share the experience, in case it helps you. And to find out if it was an accumulation of coincidences that led me to that experience or is it repeatable.
Let´s start:
When I was little, I don't know, I'm talking about eleven or twelve years old, there was no internet, so I was kind of addicted to reading, a lot of science fiction, science magazines ect. In one of them, as a promotion for you to buy the course on "Mind Control Methods and Self-Hypnosis", there was a small booklet in which they gave you a spoiler of the course. For example, he explained states of consciousness and that with training, you could maintain them at will.
The book didn't go very deep and explained more or less one way to get to Alpha, which is a state of semi-consciousness, particularly difficult to maintain and associated with the moments just before sleep. The method, in principle, is quite simple, you settle in, close your eyes and bring your breath to the lower part of the stomach. When you notice that your breathing is regular and not forced, you start counting down with each breath. In the beginning, without practice, you'll have to count from 100 to say something.
Maybe the first few times you won't even reach it, but the thing is, there comes a time when it literally feels like you're levitating, that your body is 5 millimeters above the bed. That's supposed to be the Alpha state, the gateway to self-programming. Or so the little book said. That simply by putting a motivation, a phrase or word into it, you could begin to change yourself, improve yourself, learn, etc.
Anyway, I never got around to buying that course and every time I got to Alpha, I was impressed by the "buoyancy", I got nervous trying to control it and I would "fall off" those 5mm. It wasn't until I was 17 or 18, some time before my experience, that I remembered playing with the states of consciousness I had had as a child.
I had been in a house for less than a week, with some classmates from an acting course, which I had recently started.
Anyway, that day, I was pretty fucked up, more than fucked up, lost. I remember crying my eyes out for quite some time, I remember seeing a full moon over a deeply black sky, crossed by a couple of wispy clouds and asking the moon internally for a path, a why? of all this that we call life.
When I calmed down a bit, I put on a CD that had been left with soothing music, sitars, and a female voice. I lay down on my bed and I guess purely unconsciously, to calm the anxiety, I started breathing looking to reach Alpha, but for the first time, I introduced a motivation. I think it started with a longer phrase like "I want to get all the shit out," and eventually boiled down to "I want to empty myself," with each expiration.
I don't know how long I was breathing and repeating internally "I want to empty myself, I want to empty myself, I want to empty myself, (...)".
But there came a point where I noticed a very deep sensation, which started in the stomach, in which with each exhalation, I fell apart, dematerialized, disintegrated. I felt how my being decomposed with each exhalation, I began to have the total and absolute certainty that I was going to die at that instant.
I remember a very intense burst of absolute happiness because it was going to disappear. To this day, I am disturbed by that state.
The certainty that he was going to die and at the same time, absolute and complete happiness.
There was a moment, very short and not very well placed in time. In which I remember opening my eyes and seeing myself surrounded by a bluish-white light, something almost electric. And being surrounded by presences, which I didn't see, but I knew they were there, trying to reassure me.
I don't remember anyone saying anything to me, not saying a word, but at a point that I was almost orgasmic, I understood that I wasn't going to die, at the same time that I was falling, no, rather, I was sliding down very quickly, seeing a line of smiling faces as I went down.
The next thing I remember is, at night, floating in a very calm sea, face up, with only my face out of the water, seeing a cove with a silhouette of a palm tree and above it, a very fine crescent moon with a sea full of stars in the background.
I remember being very comfortable, I remember wanting to stay there, at that moment it came like a stream of images, a repetitive series at high speed, too fast to comprehend.
Slower, I began to repeat myself, slower I can't see them, slower!
When it started to slow down and I was able to begin to interpret what I was seeing, I suddenly came out of that state. I opened my eyes, stunned, shocked and very confused without really knowing what had happened to me, I got up, left my room and went to ask my roommates:
-"Have you put anything in my dinner?" Did you drug me or what?.To which they replied, astonished:
+No, of course not, how could we do that, what happened to you? Why do you ask?I replied hesitantly that I had fallen asleep and had had a very strange and vivid dream.
But I had never had a dream so real, so vivid. It wasn't even normal.
Of the one that when I write about him for the first time, at this moment, my hair stands on end in a brutal way.
I tried to draw the sequence of images I had seen on my trip to the stars just before I woke up, at least to remember:
A clock with a reverse hand, which stops at 4 o'clock.
The image zooms in and instead of being a 4, it's a number 7.
It's a white and red striped 7, in the style of rotating barber signs.
The following image is a circle crossed by a symmetrical cross and geometric shapes in the spaces. Mandala type or similar, with dark tones and the quasi-metallic cross.
This image, let's say, transitions from the center point and turns into a flower.
And that's all I remember about the sequence of images.
I never knew what had happened to me, only that I had caused it and that it was something special and important to me.
Let's say that in the worst moments of my life, when I've thought more seriously about giving up this thing of living, that fleeting sensation has come to me sliding and seeing smiling faces.
So yes. In a way, having that experience has helped me.
As for the series of images, the truth is that I have never made sense of them. I had my answer and although I don't understand it very well, let's say that it is much more than I expected and I feel very grateful to have had it.
As I said at the beginning, I have felt the need to share this, to verbalize it in case it is useful in some way to others.
I didn't really know where to do it and after searching for a while, cannabiscafe seemed like a good place to hang it.
If anyone is reading this last paragraph, thank you for doing so, this is written for you.
A hug psychonauts!