I feel like this is gonna be lengthy, poorly organized, but I need to get it down before it fades..

As you have likely noticed. Im extreme and dramatic, I take everything to the extreme. Dmt steps up and says "alright, you asked for it."

When the experience seems very real, and at the same time unrealistic and impossible, I give the unrealistic and impossible enough time and attention to prove itself before reeling it back in and dismissing anything. Thats how great minds make impossible achievements, and in this case it helps to take what im bringing out of it more serious..

I'll never know if I experienced death during a heroic dose breakthrough or not, at this point I have good reasons to see the doctors for a checkup, and I kinda think it really happened.

As for a continuation of the abuse aspect of the story, ive done a couple sub breakthrough hits, and there is something new and different, but not in a good way.. that being possibly due to the dark nature of the experience, and I see strong potential for experience biased by my profound prior experience. But the whole color of the experience has taken on a dark green/bluish hue and an ominous aura...

The changes could also be because its probably an extreme jungle profile because its the absolute end of the soup. Whatever comes out at the absolute end, after naphtha, xylene, and heated pulls from both, thats what it is..

This has been quite a run, I never really tried to imagine what I would do with enough spice for a small army. Prolly could have made some quick cash, but combine my lack of interest in begging to be busted with the principles the nexus encourages, and that wasn't an option.

Should have exercised more moderation, but I dont think that would have served some of the lessons I've learned. I hit it hard, took it deep, and saw it through..and im good for a while..

Im very curious to see what happens after a long break, I wanna be able to have the colorful, giggly sub breakthrough experiences again someday. Im also curious to see how this has had any cross tolerance effects w shrooms.

I guess thats it for now, im not going anywhere, ill still be a regular here on the nexus, but im stepping off the stage and handing the mic to someone else. Im an observer and collaborator for a while.

When the spiritual dimensions unfold, you will face the dark end of the spectrum too. Just like there are difficult and dark things in world which you learn to handle as you grow into adulthood. It takes time and inner work, so it's good idea not to rush forward.

The challenges of mastering the hyperspace are very analogous to growing up. As kids when we get a new toy or game or sweets we have difficulty practicing moderation. We do stupid things out of curiosity. We believe people we shouldn't, are flattered easily etc. But we grow up with time and exercising wisdom. I feel DMT is just continuation to this process and we can learn a lot on how to navigate there if we look back what we have learned in life.

I always find it beautiful to percieve another individual's growth. You have a witness to this glory (to a degree since I was never actually around you lol).

I have an exploratory question for you, only intended for thought experiments and engagement, but not to hinder your hiatus from spice. Do you think the darker more ominous experience is actually that, or, could it just be your associations and connotations of it?

I also second much of what Tomtegubbe stated.

Way to come out of it all like a phoenix.

One love

That's what I am trying to explain to people, but many who never had such intense breakthroughs fail to understand: it doesn't matter if it is "actually that" or your mind is playing tricks with you/your imagination, you can not distinguish what is real at this point. Or, it is as real to you as you or me typing this.
Trip is voluntary insanity, in most cases positive craziness and temporary, in some cases - there are real dangers to the psyche.

If your mind's ability to focus, concentrate will and believe is not stone-zen-like, then you'd better not take shamanic doses of entheogens

Meditate if you want to reach the states, it is more safe but less duration if you loose focus. I just tried guided meditation first two times and both 15 minutes had me reach semi-ecstatic state of trippyness. I don't even feel the need to do the guided ones, I meditate in the bus, or while walking.

Whoo I feel you on that.

For me, in an effort to grow, I've learned to try to avoid hardline connotations or associations (not always easy, and not always successful) , by acknowledging "I can't tell." It's a skepticism that ends up keeping me engaged. Even when I have "darker" experiences they're seen as just the experience, and I can associate most things how I like, rather than subscribing to what I initially feel about it. It's helped me see the "darker" experiences as beautiful (or not, since it's still an association) as ones that aren't.

Meditation for me is a key element of my life. Will never go anywhere and will always blossom. Sounds the same for you Exitwound

One love

I agree with all of you, I kinda tried to explain in the first post, but I think I may not have been thorough.. prior to the profound heroic breakthrough dose, the negative trips were just that, negative, not loving, im just beginning to integrate, but im thinking it has something to do with areas of my personality that are kinda foul, and need to be addresses...

The breakthrough dose/own death experience was one of the most beautiful and positive experiences, if not the most, that I've ever had..it was awesome, it dug up the deepest most important things possible and gave it all back to my conscious awareness.

The dark, ominous post death trips are extremely influenced by my efforts to make sense of the death experience and highly susceptible to Fear of finding confirmation of doom. So those I dont give much credit to as genuine...

My general attitude regarding how much to give to the experiences is that im doing it to have the experiences, so I will fully explore them as real for a moment, (couple days sometimes) to give whatever meaning credibility, and to better remember the experience..

As for taking a long break, its not that I think I shouldn't use it at all, just that a break is obviously due, but I want to hopefully regain some of the pleasantries of a sub breakthrough dose, know that I haven't damaged any receptors or whatever, and make a better plan for how to manage the next pocketful of spice..

Sounds like you have some integration to do, but more importantly, I'm glad that you're okay and in a place and state that allows you to integrate. It may take a while. Some experiences may take years to process (not saying yours will) and that's just part of the journey.

And I think you've expressed yourself well considering the nature of experiences like these: they're ineffable and inexplicable in many ways, and that's okay. Sometimes those are the ones filled with the most glory.

Thank you for being humble and vulnerable enough to share it all with us, and for your introspection and self-correcting behavior relative to all of this. I really find instances like those from individuals to be crystallized beauty.

You're awesome. Hope we still hear from you from time to time.

One love