Hi all,

I hope you are all doing as well as can be in this very bizarre time of our lives.

Back in 2019 I had my first breakthrough. It was incredible. Met with an ineffable inhuman love. It persisted with me for many months afterwards. I had numerous (and probably abused) sessions with Ayahuasca during this time. Early 2020 I had a rather horrific, strange experience with Chaliponga.

I've only had 3 ceremonies since this time. In 2 of the 3 I've had a weird response where the energy is sucked out of me and i'm unable to do anything. It seems to correlate to music, because changing the music can alleviate (or worsen) this effect. It's a horrible experience similar in nature to my "bad trip" chaliponga experience, and even on tiny doses (such as 3g mhrb) I get the most wildly vivid CEVs of patterns consuming every part of my mindscape. And when my eyes are open, it's as if there isn't enough light and oxygen seems hard to process.

Largely due to this, 3 of my last 4 experiences being uncomfortable, I took this as a lesson to back off. It must be 6 months or more since I have touched DMT.

I am looking to reconnect. I personally feel disconnected from the source, from my true nature of being, from love. Perhaps it's lockdown or perhaps it's something else. I feel angry and bitter towards humanity and my optimism and love of life is at an all time low.

I want to elevate myself and I am prepared to do the work. I would like this to lead to doing a ceremony by myself and preferably one which reunites me with the love I have known.

I am looking for and welcoming of advice and appreciate any fellow travellers input, thoughts, experiences and opinions.

Peace and love to you.

Thank you.

Thanks for sharing OliverJ... excellent and productive subject, in my opinion.

My relationship with Ayahuasca lasted a bit over a year to clarify my way into integration, a word which i consider vital when approaching the medicine. Between September 2018 and July 2020 I participated regularly every month to 2x nights ceremonies and eventually made my way through the thick wall of resistance. The initial joy of the new adventure abruptly turned into a painful search for what needed to be "fixed" or at least understood inside of me. Integration is a long process which requires focus and intention on a regular basis, and i believe that real ayahuasca experiences are suppose to be both joyous and painful in order to understand their true meaning.

The disconnection I felt was mostly related to the return to my regular life once back from the ceremonies, making them look like a distant and irrelevant dream to be soon forgotten... in fact, slowly they became the opposite. As I was rejecting the reality offered in front of me everyday, I soon realised that the only person in charge of the change was myself, therefore I changed my approach to the ceremonies, focusing on the intention of understanding my way out of a life i did not like... every ceremony new information, every new information new behaviours. Suddenly, after my last ayahuasca I took the courage to take over my life, I resigned from a boring job and left to volunteer and explore new possibilities for a couple of years... rejuvenation, I called it.

It did work for me and a few of my close ayahuasca friends, and it took all of us a great deal of courage to change the way we live.

I guess my suggestion would be to continue asking ayahuasca for advice and read between the lines... she may have the answers, but the action needs to be taken personally, in this very real realm.

Be strong, be open to the possibilities you may have in this present time and let go of fear.

Safe travels dear fellas, as usual.

Thank you so much for sharing this. It's been roughly half a year with experiences with DMT. When I found it, it felt awesome. Now, the message I get every time is that I need to fix a whole lot of things if I want to experience the real trip that is this life when you are surrounded by love. It's just so painful to know, that you have to find the strength and courage in yourself so many times again and again.

I think this is what faith is about. To put your trust in God and do what you believe in, even in the times you don't see the results.

Yes, this is apparently how it is... I found during my long experience with psychedelics (mostly psilocybin , LSD and the medicine) that our brief journey into this reality is indeed a process of learning and acceptance, perhaps to correct past lives behaviours in order to eventually overcome the sense of being just flesh human beings, realising instead the real nature of ourselves and our collective consciousness.

It's incredibly encouraging to read experiences like this, because it makes feel that I'm not alone in what the session with the medicine have made me believe in. I feel like I'm still searching for source of life so that I could have the courage to follow the path I believe in.

very good... I think this is also a great reason to be here on Nexus.

stay strong and believe in yourself.

blessings

Have you considered implementing a combinatory approach to working with ayahuasca etc, something like a foundational Sadhana or spiritual practice that will help you stay on track and focused on "connecting with source", like a framework to help integrate and move into altered states?

I really found the book passage meditation and the Bhagavad gita to be great resources for building a spiritual practice/foundation to stay connected inbetween psychedelic sessions etc..also you might consider daily harmala use to help stay connected to that space and enhanced your spiritual practices etc and of course we can never forget #1 diet and excercise/time in nature... all part of remaining connected