Reflecting today on an intense lsd trip from last night. It was long, and rough, but I took some good things away from it.
It started at about 730. I had taken 3 tabs. The wife and I tucked in our kids and then I popped them. She was standing guard for the night, while I was mostly just doing this to stay up all night as I’m switching to 3rd shift in a few days. So I was trying to get my sleep schedule adjusted. Well about 45 minutes into it, as the come up is getting intense, my 5 year old got up. He decided that he didn’t want to be in bed, he wanted to watch cartoons, a snack, basically anything to be up. He was very grumpy, so my wife’s attempts to get him back in bed only pissed him off more, to the point of a full blown 5 year old tantrum. This caused an immense amount of anxiety in me. I could feel HIS anxiety. I had to go outside for 20 minutes while my wife tended to my son to try and work myself down. (I thought a lot about frans post about breathing and being still to push through this anxiety, thanks Fran). After I felt a little better, I went back in. My son was back in bed and quiet, but it’s like the anxiety was stuck to the walls. As soon as I got back in I was submerged in anxiety again. I just wanted this to level out. I grabbed some pastels and drew for a while. This worked wonders. After an hour or so of drawing I felt much more leveled out.
Later, I’m still not sure what triggered it, but some underlying issues between my wife and I came up which caused her to storm off to bed. This cranked the level on the anxiety back up, and left me several hours to ponder the situation. Without going into to much, I realized one of our big issues is enabling. I enable my son to act out the way he did to often, by catering to the tantrum. I’ve enabled my wife to not see our relationship as an equal partnership by catering to her “tantrums”. Not sticking by what I feel and compromising my emotions. But I left the trip with a solid desire to change this behavior in me.
This was the longest, most uncomfortable trip I’ve had. It was riddled with an anxious yucky feeling through my whole body that seemed deafening. But I’m hear today, and I have some new perspective. Whew! That felt good just writing it out.
“You think that’s air you’re breathing?” -Morpheus
“Whoa fellas, I’m feeling kinda bowling ball-ish.” -Leopold Butters Stoch
It’s got what plants crave. -Brawndo
Magic is here for us all to feel. Naming it isn’t what makes it real.
Running around for us all to know, noticing isn’t what makes it so... -Avett Brothers