It took me quite a while to ready myself to share my last journey with you but in doing so I hope for healing and possibly some clarity from the nexus community. Forgive me for the long post.

I feel it is important to write a little introduction and to consolidate the life events that got me to this point!

I started my account almost 8 years ago but somehow life's circumstances kept me away from posting.
I first started to extract the molecule in 2011 and for the next two years journeyed around 50+ times, excluding all the journeys on LSD and the wonderful Cyanescens.

At that time I was on a huge spiritual search, with the intent to discover who I was and why I came to this earth and believe that the spice and other medicines played a major role in guiding me in the right direction.

In 2013 I was introduced to a Peruvian medicine person as well as some Cree First Nations Elders and started to learn from both traditions. All my focus and energy went into my study and practice and the journeying slowed down dramatically. In the last 8 years I maybe used mushrooms once or twice a year and because I ran out of spice I maybe took the molecule four times all together.

I also started a family and currently have 2 young children, with a third one the way. This was also a drastic shift in my life and changed how easily I could take time for myself and when and how I used those sacred medicines.

Having my own children also brought up some fears about life that I was unaware of when I was single and this has been reflected in my most recent travels to hyperspace. One of the strongest fears at that time was the fear of a premature death. To loose it all mainly because I would not take care of my own body (I drank a lot of red bull at the time and and in my early 20s I struggled with a cocaine addiction). I was mainly afraid of having a hard attack and this reflected itself in the following journey.

Anyhow, a few months ago I heard the call again loud and clear and started a couple of extractions. The result, beautiful white crystals and I got excited.
This lead me to a couple journeys and the last one, a hyperslap (I think) which I will never forget.

Last fall I went out and gathered some fresh psilocybin cyanescens and my friend and I embarked on a epic journey into the world of spirit. After the mushrooms subsided we both decided that it would be a good idea to bring out the spice to prolong the journey. So far I have always noticed that while on mushrooms, the underlying fear before takeoff is greatly diminished and we filled the pipe with some yellow spice without hesitation. Here I must note that in all my trips with the spice we never measured it but became comfortable in eyeballing it. We had great success so far but as the story will reveal this was mostly ignorant on my part.

The first journey was remarkably breathtaking. There was a symbiotic relationship between the spice and the cyanescense, the two enhanced each other and the beauty of it was almost indescribable.

We both yearned for more and convinced ourselves to test out the new white crystals. We filled the bubble pipe with an amount that was significantly larger than the usual doses and looked at each other, questioning if this would be way too much.
We decided to both take one inhale each, with the hopes that we would not be able to evaporate a too high dose at once, but enough to carry us away into hyperspace.

My friend went first, inhaled, passed me the pipe and laid down holding his breath. I followed him instantly, taking in a huge breath and before I could even blow out the smoke or put down the pipe I new that I made a grave mistake.

I somewhat flung the pipe on the living room table with the last sense that I could muster and tried to lay down unto the couch. It hit me like I was never hit before. I shot up sitting on the couch with eyes open, instant death and terror screamed in every fiber of my soul. There was no come up, no warning or the familiar feeling that i became accustomed to when the spice washes over me. There was no time to surrender, no mercy only death and the grim finality that it brings with itself.

My living room became unrecognizable. everything and all was engulfed in symbols and the usual hyperspace geometric patterns, but there was no color, only silver, white and black shades. It felt like I shot right passed hyperspace and landed in the land of the dead and this was certainly a one way journey. I went too far and knew it. No human was supposed to venture that far and return to tell the tale. I was dying and i knew it!

I can't stress enough that this was beyond any ego death that I have experienced so far. My usual mantra that I use when I get shot out of the canon is "I surrender and come in love". This mantra has helped me immensely when the journey intensifies and my ego screams "you are dying you fool" and has helped me in many transitions into hyperspace.

This time was different. No time for mantra, instant terror and an agony like I have never experienced before. As I sat up on the couch I was obliterated with a force I could have never imagined in my worst nightmares. I panicked and ripped my glasses off my head, which I could feel disintegrate in my hands. I could feel my heart beating irregularly and suddenly it stopped. The fear was indescribable but it is enough to say that this was the most scared I have ever been in my whole life. I was dying and could not do anything about it.

First I fought the inevitable, I fought with all my might. Far away in the distance I could hear my son cry in the bedroom. "Oh how I miss them and know I will never get to see them again. My wife and children will find me dead in the morning and it is all my fault that they will grow up without a father. My parents, all that I have worked towards, and all my hopes and dreams are gone forever". My life literally flashed before my eyes. My sons cry awakened a deep seated sadness, a fear that was unbearable. Dying at that point seemed to be a relief if I only did not have to feel this feeling anymore.

At this point the force of the spice was so great that I could not perceive any visuals anymore. I was still conscious though which surprised me. The relentlessness of the experience made it seem as if my brain was fried alive and all I could do at this point was to except my fate and give in. "Consciousness does survive death" I thought to myself as I was pulled towards the afterlife on the ever growing current of annihilation.

The rest of the experience is a blur but after a while I regained consciousness to the point that I saw my couch coming back into focus, then my living room and finally my body re-materialized painfully. It took me a while to realize that I was still alive, my chest hurt quite a bit and I was extremely confused. I noticed my friend and he looked at me with sheer terror in his eyes.
"I am going to be traumatized for the rest of my life" I stuttered. My friend did not say anything but was visibly shaken as well.

My friend later told me that he thought he was dying as well. Not of a heart attack but he was convinced that he had poisoned himself. He hasn't shared much else about the experience as he is in general a more reserved guy.

That night I cried like I have never cried before. I wailed and sobbed while I mourned and lamented my own demise as well as the loss of my wife, children and family.
I was never a man to hide my tears but this was unfamiliar. I cried with all my soul and understand now what it means to cry ones heart out.

I have no doubt that those tears brought me healing but I am still shaken to the core. There are times where I have flashbacks and feel like I am getting sucked back to that place and I end up having a short moment of panic. Death scares me more than ever even though I felt that I was at peace with it before the experience.

As it stands now I am not sure if this was my call and if it is time to hang up the phone. The thought of smoking spice again alone sends me into a state of fear that is reminiscent of that night.
I will continue my spiritual journey and know that this was exactly what I needed at that time. It is up to me now to find the messages and teachings concealed within this encounter.

There is healing in the darkest places and I hope that I can bring it all to the light.

I made many changes in my life since then and even though I lived a healthy life already I am much healthier now. For myself and my family.



May we all live our lives to the fullest so that when the final day arrives we can leave without regret and at peace with our self.

Thanks for the report. Yeah stay healthy. Forget about psychedelics, even they cant give you lasting happiness. That power is inside you; go into deep silence.

I feel your story. I have experienced this stuff and I feel like I was right there with you on every word. This is a molecule which does many many things. It never ever does what you think it does. It manifests in all forms.

"Silver." Its nothing but your fears. These kinds of trips will show you your worst fear. Demons and insects arent your worst fear; this was. It will take you there...

If you let it. No one is helpless. Its we who feel fear, we who suffer. I think in time you will laugh at this or you wont remember. All that suffering is an illusion, its impermanent, transitory. One always returns to one's true home in one's natural resting state.

No experience could ever change the fact that you exist now and will always exist; so exist with no fear. Destroy fear. Root out anguish completley. Never leave your true home at all. Stay in it always. Dont leave yourself. Stay mindful.

If you ever come back to the sacred medicines (and you should try others in the future once you have been off persuing altered states for at the very least 9 months) you will come back ten fold stronger

Time heals everything ! Always. Its a fact. But one has to stay mindful to heal faster and stronger.

May we all live our lives to the fullest so that when the final day arrives we can leave without regret and at peace with our self.

You are gonna be more than okay. Its all gonna work out so great for you.

I have a similar story and many others here. That was it for me when I realized how deeply I love myself, my family, my friends and this journey we call life and what "letting go" truely means.
I am very thankful to the spice for opening my eyes and reminding me how wonderful is a gift of existence.

I am glad to know that it already brought a lot of positive changes to your life and I am sure it will bring more! Just give it time, as long as needed! Flashbacks will subside, everything will be fine after all.

P.s. I tried vaping around 15mg last summer (more than 1yr since my hyperslap), to test if water are safe again for swimming - nope, still scared shitless, so I guess I will wait as much as needed. Message received, phone hung up

This is a place of mutual understanding
Many people have gone trough the wringer and lo and behold none of them death certainties came true, all those numerous death certainties were all lies in the end, the trip can't be trusted luckily. But at that very moment yes it is of no consolation at all.

I've been scorched too and all you wish for at the time is to die as a means to make it stop while the blazing goes on relentlessly in utter torment. From then on I was able to see our regular life as a place of heaven and that insight is burned-in just as deep as the terror went. I could finally consider life as we know it as a protecting cloak for whatever worse is possible. My critics to this regular life stopped, though I still have critics but they are superficial and lost gravity. I've not stopped laughing internally since.

We should not forget the pitch that much or all that was presented was actually wrong or manipulated, over fuelled by an exploding mechanism of fear/paranoia. We gave the internal FX department a carte blanche and it rendered a thing on us.

Regular night dreams can be pretty heavy story telling too on occasion but for some reason it is better digestible being a dream and in a brute case it's a nightmare, to wake up sweaty and deep breathing. But these are still not as traumatic yet it illustrates that sometimes a fear driven process is part of normality to happen, a bleeding-off psychic pressure of sorts. Maybe our deep terror trips are unlucky co-axing events of such a psychic release that puts it's claws into an alkaloid trip and using the potential of it fully.

Time is the healing master.

Thank you FranLover

I am definitely intending to take a break from spice for a while. I am still very much inclined to journey with mushrooms in the near future to further integrate the experience. I am also put more focus on my meditation practice, prayer etc...

I am very interested to maybe hear more regarding the color silver and its correlation to our fears, at least during travels with the spice. I do agree though in that the molecule showed me my deepest fear and for that i am still grateful.
Without knowing our greatest fears we can't address them and no i have something to work off. A next step in my personal healing journey.

I resonate with what you said very much. If I only take away one thing from this journey it should be this. Life is a sacred gift indeed! What you wrote reminded me about a trip to hyperspace I had around 2013. After blast off i was brought deep into the earth before a golden door engraved with symbols foreign to me (it reminded me of a door you would see in the lord of the rings movies).
The door opened and i entered a lavish decorated hall full of gnomes and ferries etc. They were in celebration and it was quite a party to say the least. I eventually was able to speak to one of the beings and asked them what they were celebration and was told: "we celebrate the creator off all things every moment without end."
Maybe this should have been message received for me. But i totally forgot about it until now. I was definitely guilty of taking life to serious at times and forgot to always cherish life as the gift that it is.




Lol yeah, I am just gonna wait until I clearly get a message to journey again. I've read some accounts of people who had similar experiences and went back in to soon, only to find them-self in the same situation again.
I do truly believe that if and when i need to enter again the spice will let me know.

Thank you Exitwound for your time and words. I appreciate it

The internal Fx department as you call it is really something else. In the moment the Journey and the "real" world melted together and the heart attack simulation played out i was 100% convinced it was real. It played out with chest pain and all. Crazy to look back on and realizing it was all in the journey and none of it was actually happening in the physical world.

Thank you Jees for your time and words. I appreciate it

Thank you for sharing your story. In my experience, the wisdom and insights comes with the more difficult trips.

Much love

Thank you for sharing this. One thing I've learned on this journey is that all lessons are found in time. The fear and confusion is hard, but many answers to our questions are hidden inside of them too.

May peace and love find you, brave soul.

The overlap between physical feelings and trip stories associated with those feelings is not rare ime. But what comes first? The chick or the egg?
The most common belief is that the trip story comes first and from there the bodily feelings confirm that story. I tend to believe a lot of times things are the other way around but get interpreted in reverse.

I believe it is the default task and usefulness of our internal FX department to find a best fitting explanation to sensations as a part of surviving strategies. We create a best guess to sensory inputs. We create/make the world according to inputs.

Take for example a calf muscle on the verge of a cramp, and this muscle starts to pulsate, I hope you know what I mean. When you're sober and awake you don't panic and start to stretch or massage the muscle, case closed. But what happens when same calf pulsation happens when in deep trip? I believe the over-subsidized FX department will try to explain the calf pulsating sensation feeling with a fitting story, like an alien that starts to operate on your leg. You might conclude that the alien was really operating because you felt it in reality in your calf muscle pulsing.

The intake of the particular alkaloids have imho a potential of resulting bodily sensations. A pressure on the chest, a pulsing here or there, some muscle groups that feels odd, feelings of a warm wash, and whatnot becomes possible to feel..
In trip, our over subsidized carte blanche FX department has now a ball in explaining the bodily sensations and it does so.
I believe your heart feeling was genuine but got draped over by an alarming story. Then you took the story for real and took the physical feeling as proof of the story.
I believe the story was not the precursor for the feelings but only an explanatory effluent, a best guess of sorts, put forth by the over subsidized FX department. Thousands of real-felt stories have been proved wrong. If all certain-death realizations were true the nexus was empty by now.

In an ongoing trip this is all of little to no help because it is felt real and there is ample room for putting things in perspective, in a lot of cases one has to sail it out. Pharma sessions have allowed me to nullify many huge stages in a spilt second as if they were paper thin. Vaping gives lesser opportunity to steer the ship at will, one is more helpless then.

Sorry for the long text, I'm tired and hope to have made sense somehow, or at least conveyed my take on things. These insights mean a lot to me actually, I humbly share my subjective & temporal truths.
All remarks more than welcome.

Wow!!!

Post like these sometimes give me flashbacks that ive forgotten and helps me integrate my own experiences, so thank you for sharing!

Im sorry you had to experience something so terrifying, and as you've said this is the scariest thing thats ever happened to you, so i cant imagine your next journey could be any worse, from my perspective it seems the spice might be teaching you to feel grateful and to fear death for you have more work to do here and also not to fear death, because now that youve died at least you know conciseness prevails in some way, there was probably more to the message but hyper-slaps tend to leave out the punch line and just leave you with fear and confusion. in my experience the fear tends to linger and marinate in your mind, making you not want to smoke based on that one experience, i recently had a hyperslap and spent a long time in this space(maybe its just me) until i worked up the courage to try again and was blessed by a blissful and easy experience and now i cant wait to go again. Maybe if you try it while not on anything else ,as it seemed to impaired your judgement in dosing and almost any psychedelic enhance the effect. But you know whats best for you, i just offer my perspective, as one can never have to many.

Safe travels friend and good luck!