Carlos Castaneda wrote:A man goes to knowledge as he goes to war: wide-awake, with fear, with respect, and with absolute assurance. Going to knowledge or going to war in any other manner is a mistake, and whoever makes it might never live to regret it.
I didn't "need" this trip. I didn't seek healing. The whole idea was to see how deep does the rabbit hole go. I wanted knowledge. But knowledge is a slippery slope...we humans aren't prepared to bear too much of it at once. The valve of the mind at large, as Huxley calls it, squeezes tightly and limits how much information goes through the filter of ordinary perception. And for a good reason.
I decided to approach this journey with an analytical mind, so after I took the 7 tabs (3x150µg + 4x200µg; all tested with Ehrlich, giving a deep purple result) I grabbed a notebook and started jotting down how I felt, along with timestamps. Here are the few entries I managed to put down before I stopped caring about taking notes...
Quote:Breakfast - a bit of yogurt, two probiotic wafers, 4 blocks of dark chocolate (85% cocoa content), a few pieces of raw ginger, mint tea for hydration and stomach discomfort alleviation;
Quote:T+00:15 - Strong heartbeat started a minute after the tabs were taken. Slight stomach discomfort, but nothing too serious yet. Preliminary effects starting. Slightly altered headspace. Barely noticeable sound alteration. A desire to go out is present, but the rational mind says "No".
Quote:T+00:20 - Pleasant body warmth. No visuals yet. A slight trace of anxiety for the come up strength. Occasional body shivers.
Quote:T+00:25 - Body feels lighter. Music sounds good. A consideration was made to switch Carbon Based Lifeforms with Tool, but the latter seems too heavy and dark for this headspace. Slight nausea noted. Colors seem brighter. Heartbeat is the same. Melting and breathing of surfaces started.
Quote:T+00:30 - Body is shaky, doesn't feel very stable. Physical activity desire is diminished. Melting seems to be increasing rapidly. Slightly increasing nausea. High is very, very noticeable now. It's beginning...
Quote:T+00:40 - Intensity is really picking up. Reality is slowly starting to lose shape and disintegrate. The letters on this notepad are alive. Heartbeat is over 170. Hands are very shaky. Depth perception is fucked. Nausea present.
Quote:T+00:47 - The comeup is INTENSE. Can barely stand up. Tingling sensation in my pinkies. Patterns. I feel like I'm in a giant brain.
Quote:T+02:20 - FRACTALS. FRACTALS. THEY ARE THE TRUTH.
The last note in my notebook was written with giant letters and a very unsteady hand.
It is important to note that the most acid I had taken at once up to this point was 300µg. I expected jumping more than quadruple that amount would mean a wild ride, but nothing could prepare me for how wild it actually was...Please keep in mind that due to the incomprehensibly complex and confusing nature of this experience, the report that follows is just a pitiful attempt to dress it all with words...However, language is just not sufficient in doing justice to what I experienced. This is my best attempt at it.
Around one hour after taking the tabs my entire vision was drowned with visuals. Everywhere I looked, I could see past the ordinary reality into what seemed like a gigantic space that resembled a three-dimensional grid. It was crammed with interconnected identical shapes that looked like cubes. I understood them as some sort of nodes of computing power. The connections between them were comprised of thick cylindrical pillars. Periodically an iridescent flash of light passed through the nodes and the "neurons" that were connecting them. This entire thing looked and felt like a mechanical brain - a supercomputer chip of some sort. The symmetry of this grid was supreme. Every node was located at an equal distance from all adjacent nodes, and they all looked identical. The attached pic slightly resembles what I saw, but without the actual nodes, only the connections between them.
My body's interaction with this grid was very peculiar. I could move freely among the nodes and neurons without issues, but as soon as I aligned what felt like the center of my brain (pineal gland?) with one of the nodes, I felt my entire body snap into position and form yet another node in this endless network. It was very noticeable. It was like the space between the nodes had a bit of resistance, but the locations of the nodes had no resistance, and even had a slight gravitational pull that aligned me perfectly without me putting in any effort whatsoever. During the times I was snapped onto the grid, I felt extremely calm and harmonious.
Something about being a part of the grid scared me though...As soon as I took a position and was transformed into a node, the entirety of the universe's information was at my disposal. I just had to focus my intention on anything, and with the speed of light, I traveled through the network of nodes and reached the "place" where that piece of information was. No matter what I wanted - I could have it. Mine or someone else's memories - one wish away. This only enforced the feeling that I was a part of some immeasurably large galactic brain. However, I was not allowed to take or store any of that information. I was there to witness it, but my feeble human brain was not allowed to acquire any of it. It was like the very creation itself was mocking me by saying
"Here you go, all the information in the universe at the tip of your mind...but you can't have any of it. You just can't handle it."At one point while I was gazing at it all I noticed a flash of bright white light form and move. The first time I saw it I was looking at the wall of my room, and I started following it, unsure what I was seeing. It was revolving in a semicircle around me. I can't say how far it was because my depth perception was completely obliterated, but I tracked it to the right of its emergence point, where my window is. When it appeared it seemed to be outside of my room, but I could still see it through everything in the way. When I reached the window I could see it was indeed outside, above the buildings and roads, and I could track it to the end of its trajectory where it sank into the boulevard below. It was a sphere with a dark, smooth surface, that had a stripe of light passing through its middle, splitting it into two halves. The sphere was spinning with around 60RPM and this created a blinking pattern at the moments where the light strip was towards me. It moved in a very smooth manner, and on a constant trajectory. It appeared as though it had a semi-translucent "cover" that was a certain distance away from it, and wasn't completely enveloping it but was fragmented and covered only parts of it. The whole sight resembled some sort of particle that had a shell, and this spinning sphere was its core. I saw this exact thing twice during the entire journey. At the time I was convinced this was some sort of alien probe or mechanism. In retrospect, of course, I have zero ideas what it was.
A frequent need to urinate was noticed, although I didn't drink that much fluid. One of the times I went to the toilet and started urinating the visuals enveloped me to such an extent that I had somewhat switched off my consciousness and was just riding the waves of geometry. The sound of urine hitting the water in the toilet was distorted greatly, and for a brief moment, I felt like I had collapsed near the toilet and was pissing on myself. I even directed my look downwards, and among the geometry, my foot emerged. It seemed to be covered in liquid, which somewhat confirmed my suspicion. This strong impression was probably exaggerated by the powerful vasoconstriction that was going on at that particular moment. I shook that vision off and went to wash my hands. Right above the sink, I have a mirror and I gathered the balls to look into it...
People are often afraid of looking into mirrors while tripping, and I can understand why now. As soon as I locked eyes with my reflection, and my body once again snapped to the grid beyond reality, I saw every little imperfection on my face get exaggerated to an amazing extent. A little pimple I had on the side of my cheek started bloating and turned into a big pulsating blister full of blood and lymph that crawled over my face like it was a slug of some sort. The shadows below my eyes deepened to nearly black and looked like rotting flesh. My whole face got terribly deformed. But it didn't scare me. I realized why I was seeing this. It was a reminder that my body is imperfect and very fragile. It would perish one day and will turn into food for other microorganisms. But what is inside...what is driving me...what is seeing and realizing all of this...that is immortal. It made me realize that consciousness is not something that is generated within us. I've always been a proponent of Graham Hancock's hypothesis that the human brain is nothing more than a receiver that can be tuned, and that consciousness is generated from something else. We are just fortunate enough to have the ability to receive the waves by which it travels through all creation. My body died in that mirror, but I was locked onto the grid of energy and information beyond, which rendered me immune to fear or shock. That feeble body matters not when what makes me exists on a much larger scale and on a plane far beyond what the body is concerned with.
I've never looked much into fractals, but at a certain point during this experience, I focused my attention thereon. The infinite fractality of all creation was shown and forced upon me with devastating fortitude. Everything I did, everything I thought, everywhere I looked, I couldn't escape from the notion that it's all a never-ending, infinitely overlapping fractal. From the scale of atoms to the scale of the whole universe, and the entire pool of creation that exists here and in all parallel universes and dimensions, there was no end to the depth and complexity of the fractals. It was starting to drive me mad. I tried to distract myself from this by doing anything, but as soon as I even thought about doing anything I again recognized the nature of fractals in what I thought. Thinking about it right now, a couple of days after the experience, I don't comprehend it nearly as deep as I did then. I felt like everything in existence can be explained by fractals, hence my last journal note. It was as if I had all the answers just on the tip of my mind, and it all revolved around fractals...
The only escape I had from the increasingly maddening fractal reality I found myself in was to convert all my intention and existence into pure, unobstructed energy. I had to sustain this conversion for prolonged periods because that was the only way I could keep my sanity afloat, and not drown in the overlapping of fractals in everything. As soon as I felt I was giving in to the repetitive madness, I focused my entire intention on just pure energy. Then everything I felt and saw was a blinding beam of golden energy streaming from every single thing around me, including me. To say it was pure bliss would be insufficient. The place I found myself in during those times was not bad, good, pleasant, or difficult. It was just pure energy - the building block of everything there was, is, and will ever be. No thoughts, no sensations, no emotion, just energy in the purest form. It passed through me, and I was a conductor. I had no body, no consciousness, no nothing. I felt connected to the primal source of all energy in the entire universe. It was liberating because it surpassed the limits of the body and mind. It obliterated and drowned everything else. And it was my haven from the madness of fractality that I recognized as soon as I resumed building back my conscious notion of what was going on.
I managed to regain control over my thoughts at some point, and continued exploring with endless curiosity everything around me. I had stopped the music at this point because I had plenty of stuff to listen to in this realm... What happened shortly after made me doubt if I should ever speak about this journey to anyone. I'm taking this risk because it feels too much to hold in. Besides, what's the worst that can happen? If I was shown what I was shown, then whoever showed it to me probably considered the possibility of me sharing it with others...
I grabbed one of my Kali sticks and laid in my bed, playing around with it. As I waved it in the air, it left a clearly visible trace of at least 25 more iterations of itself that followed the same motion identically, and all combined into the main one if I stopped moving it. The sound that this waving made was incredibly peculiar. I intentionally waved it closer to my face, so I could hear it better. It sounded like many invisible robot arms were connected to each of the iterations of the stick, and as I moved it around they compressed and extended like hydraulic shock absorbers. The sound was pristine and had an unbelievably alien tinge to it. It was like something you'd hear on an alien ship in some sci-fi movie. Every iteration of the stick that was left behind during the movement made a distinct, separate, delayed sound from the others. In my mind, this was segmentation of reality, and I was seeing and hearing the same motion in 25 different parallel realities ordered by their time function. And then something happened that I still can't explain to myself...
The Kali stick in my hand got very warm, and as I waved it through the air it distorted matter in a very peculiar way. Immediately after the stick passed through the air, the reality/matter/energy behind it started boiling and disintegrating. The sound was like ripping cellophane but had a very unfamiliar tinge to it, similar to a boiling thick liquid, but with a higher frequency. In the cracks that were forming, I could see a void - total blackness. I realized I was witnessing some sort of technology that was far more advanced than anything I had ever imagined. It was able to literally rip and disintegrate reality apart. As soon as this realization hit me, I felt something or someone force my attention away from this, immediately stopping me from interacting with it. Alongside this enforcement, immeasurable terror filled my entire being. I had never felt such fear in my life. It lasted around 3 seconds, after which I knew I shouldn't think about it, or attempt it again. I spent the entire night following this trip replaying what I saw, and thinking about it...what did I see? Was it an alien technology of some sort? Did it defy physics completely? Could it be a weapon if used by malevolent people? I've got an infinite amount of questions, but I know answers will come only if I go there again. All I know is that what I saw was significant in some way I probably don't understand at all.
The vasoconstriction was getting worse and worse, and I decided I need to go out for a walk in the nearby park and get some fresh air. It was starting to rain, which was even better because I love rain. It took me at least 20 minutes to coordinate my actions and get myself dressed and connect my headphones to my phone, unlock the door and get in the elevator. Thankfully I had sunglasses so nobody could see my shocked stare haha... I barely got to the park, which is usually 10 minutes walking distance away. I had to stop and sit down on benches a few times because I felt like I was gonna blackout. Once I got to the park it was already raining pretty heavy and there weren't many people around. I sat on a rock and started taking clothes off, as waves of heat overwhelmed me, followed by waves of cold, which made me put clothes back on. I must've been a very interesting sight, barely awake, undressing and then dressing up again repeatedly for 15 minutes sitting on this rock, breathing heavily. I finally stood up and decided I'm gonna go deeper into the park. I wobbled my way to a gazebo 500 meters further with an unimaginable amount of effort and laid down on the bench. I was incredibly pale and looked very ill. The vasoconstriction was extreme at this point. I felt like something was choking me. I could barely breathe, I was sweating, my face had a yellow-green tint. At a certain point, I was preparing myself to ask someone for emergency medical help because it felt like my body won't be able to handle this unless some vasodilating medication isn't administered soon. The paranoia took over that I would've had to explain I have taken LSD, which would attract attention to me, and I didn't want anything to do with any government entities so close to my flight to the Amazon...So I battled it. I fought hard to not lose consciousness and to endure the extremely uncomfortable feeling in my entire body. I was still drowned in visuals, but I couldn't focus on anything else but the overlapping fractals in everything, and the vasoconstriction that was squeezing the life out of me. A couple of hours passed, and I couldn't deal with it anymore. I decided to go home and take 30mg of Diazepam with the hope of diminishing the vasoconstriction. I shakily made my way back into my apartment and took the benzos at what marked the 8th or 9th hour from the beginning of the journey. Within 30 minutes the vasoconstriction decreased and it was such a relief to finally be able to think about something else than staying awake...
Looking at the already dark sky with the moon crescent and the odd star here and there, I noticed something very peculiar. The entire night sky was comprised of equally sized hexagons arranged like a honeycomb. Every single star was placed precisely at the center intersection point of three separate adjacent hexagons. Not inside them, not along the lines, but at the point where the three separate peaks meet. The moon, on the other hand, seemed to be placed exactly in the center of one of the hexagons. I looked at the sky for a few minutes and the stars and moon kept their positions, which meant that the grid was moving with them. This reinforced the sensation that I was in some sort of digital, artificial world. A simulation.
After a bit over an hour, the trip had diminished to the strength of a 200µg dose, with barely any trace of vasoconstriction. It was at this point I got mad at myself for not enduring it all. I wanted to explore more of this amazing realm I had been hurled into for hours, but I couldn't handle the discomfort. I felt like I had lost a battle of some sort. It annoyed me that I had "wasted" the remaining few hours of intense visuals by taking Diazepam, but I knew it was a stupid emotion to have. I had seen plenty, and being greedy for more after all of this seemed ridiculous.
I spent the next several hours eating a bit of fruit and enjoying some Terence McKenna lectures. I went to bed around 12 hours after I had taken the tabs, and at that point, the benzos had already stopped working, so the trip intensity was picking up again lol...
At T+15:00 it felt like I was on at least 300µg of acid. I didn't sleep the entire night as I cradled my Amethyst and Lapis Lazuli crystals, replaying everything that happened over and over again, asking questions that I knew I wouldn't get the answers for... I wept in gratitude and confusion, overwhelmed by the peculiarity and strangeness of this entire experience.
Nearly three days later, I still feel amazing, with an easily noticeable harmony in my soul. I feel very grounded and infinitely humbled from what I experienced. If there is a way to reliably reduce the vasoconstriction, I wouldn't doubt even for a millisecond if I want to dose that high again...I would even dose way higher. I can see myself doing a thumbprint and risking never really coming down from it because the realms I was put in during that journey were the realms of true, unobstructed human potential. A realm of pure energy and infinite possibilities. A realm of physics-defying, reality-disintegrating, matter-manipulating, pure magic. The curiosity I feel towards all of this is eating me alive.
To everyone that is considering taking a dose above 1000ug, please go there with two serious preparations:
1 - find a way to severely diminish vasoconstriction;
2 - prepare to never be able to look at reality in the same way ever again;
I can see why many people say that huge doses of acid aren't very beneficial...it's very difficult to implement the things you experience there in your daily life. But I know that at least a portion of what was revealed to me does exist somewhere, sometime. I will go there again and seek the knowledge that petrified me. It is a world of magic we live in...we just need to find a way to look beyond the filter of the rational mind. To think that I regarded my previous acid experiences as intense is utterly comical now. I am excited to step foot in those realms once again when the time is ripe. For now, however, I need to integrate it all and give my brain a rest. This journey gave me two invaluable things - first, it proved to me that reality is definitely not what it seems, and that it can be manipulated with intention (and alien tech of course, lol); second, it taught me to be brave in the face of a psychedelic journey far stronger than anything I've ever handled in my life. I will desperately need the latter when I go to the Amazon...
It would be very beneficial if any of you who've taken similar doses of acid to share your experiences and see if we meet somewhere on the storyline. Thank you for being with me on this journey, my friends.
With infinite gratitude and a humbled heart,
Nydex
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