Made tea from 5 inches of Juuls Giant pachanoi (3 3/4 inches thick) and 9 inches of bridgesii (2 1/4 inch thick). Simmered it for 14 hours. The tea was bitter, but otherwise palatable. Drank it over the course of 30 minutes.

Overall, this was a moderate level trip. The high lasted about 12 hours, with noticeable lingering effects for another 12 hours or so. 36 hours later, as I write this report, I can still feel an afterglow.

I experienced quite a bit of shivering and muscle twitching during the come up and for most of the trip. This trip was not very euphoric. A theme has emerged in some of my recent trips, and certainly was the case with this trip, that much of my mental energy becomes focused on the broad expanse of life, my place in it, and a search for meaning in it all. I cant say that I have found an "ANSWER". But incrementally, one small step at a time, I do feel that some progress is being made, insofar as progress can be made in these matters.

My 13 year old dog died a month ago. It has been weighing heavily on my heart, as I was very attached to him. I really wrestled with the problem of death during this trip. It is the hardest problem that I know of. I know of no easy or satisfying answers. For much of the trip I sat with the heaviness of death on my heart, as my mind struggled to find something meaningful to hold onto. There were some visuals and a sensation of my equilibrium being off. But I ignored and pushed through those sensations, being so focused on the challenge that weighed on me.

Regarding my dog, I came to understand that the pain I feel is due to the love and bond that I had with him. And I saw that the best way to honor him is to direct my love for him into my other dog and my family members. The love and attachment I have for him has tranformed into pain because the object of my love is no longer here. I must honor his memory by increasing my love for the ones who still remain. I saw that this is how healing will come to me over the course of time. I must honor him in this way, by increasing my love for the ones whom he loved most. By showing greater love for them, a new path will be made, by which the love that I have for my dog can flow in a different direction, away from the pain, into a direction of good and healing instead. And this will take time and effort. But it is the right thing to do, and I must try my best to make it become reality.

This trip left my body very fatigued. As I write this report I am completely spent physically, and also very drained emotionally. I am sure that in time strength will return, and I will understand more from what passed through my mind that night. I truly believe that these cacti have the power to bring healing. And this trip was the beginning of a healing process that will continue to unfold in my life.

I am sorry for your dog. I experienced that with my 15 year dog couple of years back, so I can imagine how you feel. Just reading it is bringing back quite strong feelings to my mind.

What you are writing about the love and its redirection is evoking the same thoughts I had about energy and its transformation into something useful. Interesting I had these thoughts when I started with my mescaline journeys. I realized that any unpleasant feeling is just a reflection of some hidden process in our subconsciousness bearing some energy that can be "redirected" and used for some valuable purpose. This redirection brings two positive results - easing of initial unpleasant feelings and potentially helping with the new target of this energy. The first can be felt immediately as a relief, the latter is questionable, but disobedience of that inner source doesn't seem to be the right way to go imho, so regardless of the result, I simply do and believe. Such processes can hardly be evaluated by science, luckily we have another tool - the faith

Faith, by the way, is the same thing that is telling me the cactus is a medicine. I believe it, the rest is out of my control.

Dear Greyfox,

thank you for the open-hearted narration of your experience.

These big questions certainly loom over us, it is a sign of serious maturity if you can confront this and work with it on a trip. I for my part have settled on the explanation that rational thoughts cann only tell us so much about reality. So, yes, I believe that there is an answer, but not one that can put into words without most of the message being lost in translation. Still - this is no problem at all.

I can relate a lot to what you described. My dog is 11 now and I dread the moment that he will have to go. Might be soon, might be a few years down the line.

Your story has inspired me to reduce some of my commitments to other hobbys and spend more time with him now, that he is still quite healthy and active. It seems a waste to spend the time on Netflix, when I could be strolling through nature with him instead.

And yes, when they go, it is always very painful. I think its important to allow that to be, this is supposed to hurt - for a while. And then, yes, as you say: There's always someone here right now who will be glad to receive our love and attention.

I have also had quite painful events on trips, things I thought I had already worked through. There coming up proved me wrong. But if I was able to keep engaging with these topics after the trip, the resulting healing was profound. No additional psychedelics were needed for this - on the journey, these things were pointed out, now I knew what I should invest some energy into.

How are you doing now? Did you wonder why the trip left you so drained, even though it was moderate in intensity?

Pete and Brewster thanks for your thoughtful comments.

Dogs have a special place in our lives. That unconditional love and loyalty from a dog, through all the ups and downs of life, is a source of joy and comfort, in a way that is unique from the bonds we have with other humans. I still miss my dog very much. But I am learning to accept that he is no longer here. The lessons I learned that night during that trip, they are still with me. Everyday I have been trying to show more kindness to my family and to my other dog. I also want to print some photos of my dog and of family members who have passed on. I want to hang those photos up and make more of an effort to remember the ones who touched my life and have passed on. As long as they continue to live in my memories, then in a way they continue to live on. Perhaps that is all that any of us can hope for.

The trip that night took a toll on my body. I woke up that morning at 3am to begin brewing the tea. Then stayed awake all day brewing it. And then I tripped that evening and stayed awake all night tripping. I could not sleep until the following night. So I was awake for about 43 straight hours. I ate very little during that time. And the trip had a lot of shivering and twitching that drained my physical strength even more. And there was some vomiting and stomach upset to deal with too.

But I think that the physical depletion from it all left me in a vulnerable and open place to deal with the emotional burden that was weighing on me. I guess it all turned out the way it was supposed to. And I'm thankful that I went through that experience and gained the insights that I did.

Thanks for the update!

That's quite a ride - 3 days in a row . Certainly an intense experience. That's why I so far have eaten the cactus raw...

I do mesc in the morning and finish in the evening, usually able to sleep till midnight. Even this way it is quite exhausting. Sleep deprivation for one nigh would be difficult and almost two sleepless nights would not be acceptable for my health. I would be carefull my friend

Agreed. When one is in their 20s, most bodys have almost unlimited energy. Psychedelics all night, work next day? Let's do it! Drinking and partying all night, college next day? No problem!

Later on, this doesn't work that easy anymore. This is why I almost never drink more than 1-2 beers, because if I get only medium drunk, I have 1-2 unpleasant days to follow.

And I always make sure to have at least one full day off after a psychedelic session, and, like you say pete, I try and get a good night's sleep and take the magic in the early morning. Nightly sessions have their own magic though...

Just to be clear, I went one night without sleep. I woke up at 3am on Saturday morning to start brewing. I brewed all day Saturday. Then I drank the tea at 7pm on Saturday. I tripped all night. I was full on tripping until Sunday morning. Then I stayed awake all day Sunday, and experienced lingering effects from the trip all that day. At 10pm on Sunday I went to bed and slept. Monday morning I wrote the trip report.

Sorry if I was not clear about that earlier. One sleepless night is about all that I can handle these days.

Losing a dog (and any other close companion) is hard. They get into particular places in my heart that no human can. My dog was source of grounding for many psychedelic adventures and I've missed her these past few years. If a trip got too insane I could place my hand on her, letting it sink into her thick coat, and it was like hitting a trip reset button. Like picking the record needle up off a skipping track and placing it onto the next song. Grey Fox's raw writeup reminds me that I first found the medicinal cacti in response to losing a beloved feline friend way too early to cancer. I needed something to help integrate that loss and that research led to cacti. That led to a beautiful first experience with lots of healthy crying and resulting healing. That was a long time ago and I still find cactus to be one of my very best means of exploring grief, and now have so many more griefs to grieve! Grey Fox, I really like how you describe redirecting grief energy into love. I've been thinking about that all week. Thank you.

Wishing everyone well on their healing journeys!

I very much like that line of thought; transmutating the energy of memories and affection into love and making a home for onself in that love.

The truth of life and death is beyond comprehension. That "beyond comprehension" is eternal life.

Thanks for sharing that CuriousSeeker. Peace brother.