I owe a debt of gratitude.

Will shoot to be concise because I already feel a little odd having shared so much already (I considered just sending this in a PM to a few people, but considered that may be a depressive response and action, so I'm taking the risk posting publicly.)

In the past year, I have shared a fair amount with regard to my precarious mental health (severe persistent depression with major depressive episodes (double-depression), reverse seasonal affective disorder, the attached general anxiety, and sensory processing sensitivity) and how it effects me (extreme difficulties in doing things I'd like (psychedelics, music making, writing, sometimes learning, and working out for a hot minute), neuroticism (incessant worrying, I'm always anxious, etc), mental blocks, and issues with fatigue, concentration, memory, mood, intrusive and obsessive thinking and thoughts, consistent discontent, indecision, overdone self-criticism, blah blah blah), sometimes to debilitating degrees.

It's hindered me for a long time. Most of my life, being untreated until my 20's. And it may be something that I'll always have to manage.

Depression hijacks my thinking, all the time, in different ways and degrees, and those can change over time.

A few things have occurred that have me feeling anew. First, the re-realization of the high degree and severity of my depression, it's level of rarity, and how it's generally not going to be understood by many. My understanding is what is imperative and important. Second, most of my thinking is neurotic and/or depressive. It's hard to admit, but it makes so many more things make sense in my experience. Third, I tend to be overly considerate to details and perspectives and perceptions in most regards on most matters, and this has made me value my own positions less (and in turn, lead to my being overwhelmed by my own awareness). Fourth, I need to truly and fully accept myself as I am, where I am.

Naturally, I'm going to focus on the psychedelic impact even though this is obviously something the penetrates every aspect of my life. I am accepting and withholding judgment around not feeling as courageous and confident diving into psychedelic experiences. I used to eat 7g of mushrooms any time I'd eat them a decade ago, partly out of naivete, but nevertheless, without being so worked up and anxious around the experience before it started. And I value and find so many gems in the deep depths of psychedelic experiences. Over time, my sensitivity has increased, so there's nothing wrong with hitting the restart button in some ways, such as finding my new “7g” as a lowering in dosage. It doesn't make me weak, a coward, etc. Just means I have some stuff to work through. I am where I am. I am that I am. Soham. It also means that I can allow myself comfort in going for it more often. To be candid I'm on a small amount of mushrooms and rue tea as I write this. It's nice. I can stop questioning myself and my motivations and intentions that I have worked on generating very hard. It's okay to smoalk some changa because I'm “feeling” it. It's not like the approach will be devoid of due reverence and respect. It's built in at this point. I can stop worrying. Regardless, it's always a study in consciousness and being. And it's not like I'm neglecting any of my responsibilities.

Now, while I want this to help people, I'm sharing this more to say thank you. A lot of you have been very candid, open, honest, and receptive in interacting with me when I share vulnerability. It would've been easy to tear apart anything that I said. Instead, I was hit with support, empathy, advice, and encouragement. It's helped my healing. As I heal myself more, I can be of better service to others. So thank you all.

My cognition and memory seem to be improving. I'm able to maintain a more balanced mood more often. My productivity has risen. I'm feeling good being back in the gym more, and eating more and better (it's easier when able to actually enjoy eating; it's often a chore). My work performance has improved. My relationships are becoming stronger. I'm feeling more comfortable with and in myself.

It's a precarious time of year because, as I've shared, I have reverse seasonal affective disorder, so my depression worsens this time of year (already been rocked pretty hard). A good time for more medicine work



One love

Thanks for sharing, vm. It's quite amazing how you are one of the most grounded, caring, thoughtful people on this forum. And you manage to be that way while working through your personal challenges. Keep going. You're doing fine.

Thank you for the vulnerability. The FNG (freaking new guy) here does appreciate. You've posted some friendly, useful, and eloquent things to me. So, you are a complex and unique individual, just like everybody else.

I can't, and really never have been able, to take large doses. In my life, LSD has been the most available, for years the only available psychedelic. I did have a bad trip on a large dose once in which I "came to" in the hospital after being subdued and picked up by the police. Thankfully, I avoided the mental health combine.

I've had healing and useful experiences on moderate and even light doses. The mushroom experience in which I faced my shadow (and saw it to be me) was on a few grams. I think that the intent, prayer, and focus on growth was way more important than the dose.

I'm rambling, but please accept my "good vibes", even if sloppily sent.

Remember, life is too important to be taken seriously. The first thing I thought when I read the word "neuroticism" in your post was, "Hey, I love eroticism with neurotic girls myself. Finest kind.".

Be well(er)

Good on you for sharing VM,
You're right doing lower doses than what you once did isn't weakness. IMO, dose is one of the biggest things that must be respected when using psychedelics. And often higher doses can be too chaotic to bring back some of the most fundamental lessons hallucinogens offer. Nothing wrong with ensuring you're doing doses your comfortable wuth, you are much more likely to have a meaningful trip the more comfortable you are anyway.

Form what I've personally witnessed dose is the number one reason people have bad trips above all other factors.

Nothing wrong with smaller doses of psychedelics my most impactful "trip" was on 25 micrograms. I have been meaning to write to you for a while now but can't seem to find the right time it is coming soon. For now let me just say that in the short time that I have known you the impact of your thoughts and words have moved me in ways that others do not. I am glad we exist in the this most infinitesimal piece of time to together and I can't wait to get to know you better as we go through life.

Thank you so much, shroombee. You're certainly one who has helped me along the way. The work never stops



I'm glad that this post (and myself) has resonated with you in a meaningful manner, my friend

Thank you for sharing some of your personal story as well. I can't deny it, I've been on the lower dose end of things for the past several years, and notice the breadth of growth that can happens at those levels. There's something to be gleaned at every level.

And thank you for the good vibes. They were happily received. Also, the neurotic/erotic joke A+



Ya know, it was a strange phenomenon that I couldn't wrap my head around, and in already dealing with depression, my understanding of it turned into looking down on myself. I for a long time looked at it as the loss of a skill or ability in not bringing myself to be able to go the depths and the distance. But progress is rarely linear, consisting of ups and downs, forwards movement and backwards movement. We tend to prefer upward and forward movement, but reality rarely acquiesces to our preferences. I may also be making up for lost time in relaxing into lower doses because when I started out and for a long time after, I always went relatively far. So it's all good.

And thank you as well brother



It's been reciprocal, my dear friend

I'm seeing it as a strange divide between what I need, what I'd like, and what's expected with regard to distance traveled. I'm feeling fine about where I am now however, which is relieving. It had become a depressive target for a while. Which I can't help but perceive as reactive on the part of my depression because psychedelics tend to help me feel better and excel in managing my depression outside of those states.

I hope you've been well, brother.

One love

It brings me the "warm and fuzzies" to see you speak in this way, . It also resonates with me on several levels, and even has brought to light something important that I sometimes forget; accepting yourself for who you are, where you are. May I thank you for always opening up in a way in which it still becomes a teachable concept for me. The greatest teachers, sometimes, are not teachers at all. Which I believe you may be one of those folks. You have been one heck of an influence in my life it's nice to see you making progress in your work on yourself. You are appreciated!

You touch me and are too kind my brother. Nothing but love for you. If I would've sent this as several PMs, you surely would've been a recipient.



One love