Just had some sweet divine moments of truth.

Finally got back into the spice after an extended vacay. Well, I've dabbled in it since new years. Two days before new years eve, I gave up smoking, rather vaping weed. New years eve I found myself finally having the courage once again to venture in to the 'inner realms.' My spice usage before had been pretty sporadic at best, for reasons I'll get into shortly.

New years day, I called my parents and they told me that my grandma had passed away. It happened during the night, hard to say at what time but I found this a bit strange of a coincidence, given that the spice can be a bit of a 'death trip.' As sad as it was to hear that the next day I think my grandmother is in a better place as well.

Coming back to the spice with renewed vigor this year, after cleaning out some old habits. But the spice, while vital to space travel, definitely does seem to lose potency after a while. I mean I feel like my spice was getting weaker with time. Either that or I am building up some sort of weird quasi-tolerance or something. The last couple voyages, I loaded up enough spice to have a breakthrough (55 to 60 mg spice) along with pinches changa in the chamber. As much as I tried, now and in the past I've never been able to break through. Something always stops me - my mind screams ENOUGH and I've never done it really with a sitter who was experienced to egg me on. I always turn into a 'putty person' and am now beyong the point of oggling my oddly altered surroundings and just going and closing my eyes and experiencing what I need to experience. But within the past months, I don't think it's so much improper technique rather like potency. Later on when I go and 'finish off' whatever is left it seems like I did get the bulk of it in the first breath or two. I suppose loading a bit more would be the trick too, not being so 'afraid' and just doing it. Cause of course, going halfway is almost harder than just going all the way, from what I've heard and read.

To boot, I just finished more or less the last of the changa that I have, and all that remains is one more session of that and maybe three or so dmt dosages. But I'm glad that I'm actually finally using my spice stash - at this point it's probably like over three years that I ordered the stuff over the darkweb. Which leads me to my question, can anyone recommend a good newbie tek with d-limonene? I read somewhere that that produces a nice, 'full spectrum' extract and I feel drawn to that somehow. I was going to try cybs a/b salt tek but somehow the d-limonene route appeals to me more. Also of course I will have to source some material to extract from but I'm pretty sure that I can acquire some from a friend. While I was tempted to go back on the darkweb, I think we'd all agree the best way is to DIY. Assuming of course I do want to venture further into the alleyways, but so far with respect I feel it's been positive and the quote by Ppema Chodron, the one about annihilating oneself and finding the indestructible in us rings true to me.

Quitting the weed has been good to me. Like Graham Hancock called it, the green bitch was running his life (he specifically stated that the green bitch wasn't so much weed, but his relationship with it) which I totally relate to. For me, living every moment a-stoned was not a good thing and I was even experiencing strange heart/chest/lung sensations. Which as much as the sensations/aches were a physical thing I also attributed them as a physical manifestation of pain of knowing I could be doing so much better with my time and energy but always going back to that 'space.' I remember a while back hitting a dab after a small break and feeling this like low-level anxiety creep in, it was an odd sensation. Sort of like I had been living with that low-level anxiety brought on from cannabis for such a long time, it had just become like some sort of a background noise that became unnoticed because it was always there. I also feel like this had a big part of my trepidation for breaking through. After doing a vipassana serve and coming out all 'fresh as a daisy' I remember being so gung ho for finally doing the spice proper but eventually the weed won out and anytime I was high, the thought of dmt/breaking through was just not appealing. I must have really over done the weed because I know that some people enjoy the combo

I'm feeling good with kicking that habit, finally, even though there of course may be challenges. But on the plus side, you live and you do learn if we are willing to accept those lessons. I was randomly watching some youtube video today where a girl got high and read her comments. I was worried I'd be potentially triggered into wanting to blaze but honestly, seeing her high was like yeah, no. As much as it was 'fun' to be in that state, it was also quite limiting. Nothing really against the herb, like Graham Hancock said it was just my relationship to it. I think honestly though the toughest thing is to be around the smell of that. But, willpower and the grace of god I guess

Regardless, I'm starting to ramble. But just thought I'd come on and actually make a post because I often never come on here. At least, myself in my 'past life' of getting high all the time 'and being alright with just sitting and vegging out constantly. The "acceptance state that cannabis can and does bring about. Speaking of which, I never completed the intro questionnaire. I honestly didn't realize that you could come back to it, I thought it had to be done in one go. So at some point I just started 'powering through' the questions and not really caring, being high all the time doesn't lead to the clearest of thinking either. I'm sure that I got a lot of them wrong. Wish I could redo a lot of those questions but it is what it is. Anyways hope you all are well and enjoying the fruits of the new year. Catch ya soon