The last time I tried to get into the Nexus, I was a straight up drug addict, no patience whatsoever, I was selling dmt for as much as I could get for it, not as scumbaggy as the prices I've seen over the years, but nevertheless it isn't really important. I figured I'd try again, a bit more positively.
The last time I smoked DMT was... 3-4 years ago? I honestly don't even remember any more. The day after that, I had a drug overdose and almost died, literally on the brink of death almost died. Woke up in the hospital, never touched another psychedelic drug ever again. I injected 60mg 5-meo-mipt and 100mg of MDMA, which is like suicide-level drug overdose. It's a marvel I'm even alive. I never had a breakthrough once, in all the time I smoked, procured, and sold dmt, never once did I breakthrough and then somehow had 5 breakthroughs over the course a terrifying evening. It's unfortunate I hardly can even remember them.
Reluctantly for me, the last experience I had on dmt, was a warning from whichever goddess-entity spoke to me for those few brief moments of my tweaked brain. That's all I really remember besides the last few experiences I had with dmt were mostly negative visions, I always saw people dancing but it was like they didn't want to dance for me, it was like I was a king forcing them to dance. For the longest amount of time I never really understood the importance of psychedelics. It was only up until a few days ago, I really thought how much I missed the psychedelic experience and quite possibly never again taking another psychedelic drug.
Moving forward, my life has taken a huge turn. Quit doing drugs completely, not even occasionally doing something. Completely sober. I do drink but even then, I have my limits there, plus alcohol is the exact opposite of the what psychedelics do for your mind. Practically all the friends I had, are gone, by my choice. My life was a toxic mess, where even I know my closest friends for years, hated my guts. They just despised me, yet still hung out with me time and time again (probably because I was the dmt guy).
It's kind of like the awakening experience people seek from dmt, except it took me a really fucking long time to get it. Full life reset. I am at this point in my life where I'm alive, an adult, surprisingly pretty healthy for someone that did literally every drug? I have my entire lifetime left (based on life expectancies, literally an entire lifetime left), and yet I don't know what to do now? I live my life a day at time, because every day is a miracle for me.
It seems like to me, our lives are THE psychedelic experience. From a scientific standpoint, we are a fluke in a universe of empty infiniteness, there is no other existence like ours. I appreciate everything now, little things, happy things, sad things. Our whole existence is the Holy Grail of genetic lotteries and what do most of us do? (I play video games).
I try to tell people I was suicidally depressed before and they do not believe me. I try to help people who are as depressed as I was, and they think I'm crazy lol. If it wasn't for a random peace officer that did what he did the day after my birthday, I would've seriously lost faith in humanity.
I took Red Pill that day and as much as we all want the truth, I hate knowing what happens when you die, and I will have to unhappily and regretfully carry that burden to my grave whenever it does come. But until that point, you have to appreciate your life, now matter how shitty your life is, someone has a shittier life, a shorter life, in a poorer country, with no food or shelter, ravaged by disease.
I guess I kinda got a little off-topic there, but it is an essay isn't it, it's not really an essay if it's only a few paragraphs long right? I'm may continue-you this post in another reply, now that I got all the heavy lifting out of the way, I can progress into my personal interests in chemistry, which strangely enough evolved through the synthesis of dimethyltryptamine.