Hello everyone,

Let me start by apologising for the very lengthy post and with an introduction about myself before I get into the subject matter here. For the sake of better communication and understanding I have categorised this post into 4 sections.

1. INTRODUCTION.

I started using psychedelics almost 3 years ago, starting with LSD then experimenting myself with LSA seeds, Magic Mushrooms, DMT and Changa. I wouldn't label myself as a professional user but more of a recreational and abusive user as most of my recent trips with LSD and Magic mushrooms have not been with the intention to reach a higher level of understanding about myself and life as a whole, but mostly to have fun with my friends and to attend intense psychedelic underground parties which occur very often from where I come from (India). hash is my poison of choice and I smoke atleast 2-4 joints everyday and have been my routine for almost an year now and have been an active user of pot for almost 6 years now.

To understand the core of my subject matter you should have a better understanding of how I was raised and my core values and principles as I believe these are the key drivers of how a dmt trip turns out.

Me and my younger brother was introduced to porn at a very young age of 8 and 6 and started imitating what we saw in these videos with 3 neighbours( 2 girls and 1 boy) all younger to me whom me and my brother persuaded to watch what we saw on the tv channel. it went on for almost 3 years until we shifted to a new place. after that me and my brother never talked about used to happen. but my mind was messed up and I started seeing all women with sexual intentions.

I was 13 when I was introduced into homosexuality by an old uncle who was almost 60. even though it started as abuse, I started enjoying it because of the lack of sexual activities which I once used to enjoy. even though I mentioned this to my parents they told me to keep quite about it and not go to the old dudes house anymore.

When I was around 14 I was sent to my grandparents to live with them which went on for 5 years.
In this span of 5 years I experienced a great level of freedom as my parents who were very orthodox were not with me and I was living with my grandparents who grew up in a communist environment and was pro communist.

it was in these 5 years I started to start smoke cigarettes, was introduced to pot, a hell of porn and masturbation. my life revolved around smoking and porn most of the days until I started hooking up which included 3 homosexual encounters( 2 w/o consent and 1 with consent).

I was born into a muslim family as the eldest of 3 sons. I had huge difficulty grasping the ideas of islam as did not want to follow it. being away from my parents and the events which occured in my life till I was 17 made me curious to find answers. Realising that I would not find answers to my questions in the Quran I ventured into other religions around me including christianity, hinduism, Jainism, Buddhism etc. Out of all the religions I was very attracted to hinduism and mostly to the mystical aspect of the religion called yogism and the people who followed it. I read extensively about this through the works of Sri M, Yogi paramahamsa, sadhguru, etc but none of them answered the questions I had.

After my first LSD experiences with a 200ug blot, I was blown away with the events happening inside and around me giving me new perceptions to look things at. I threw myself away to more experiments with acid which made me dive into books, forums and articles. most of these books were labelled as spirituality and there my friend I was able to relate to a lot of things. the authors whom I was into at that time included the work of Baba RamDass, Timothy Leary, Terence McKenna, J Krishnamurthi, etc. I was also amazed by hippies and the counterculture movement and did my own research about the period of 1960-70's. I was introduced to bob Dylan, TWZ, the doors the Beatles and all the other pioneers of music of that time.

Since I joined college 3 years ago, my life has went through a lot of phases. I am writing only the important events these 3 years which will further increase your understanding about myself.
- Even though I was into hooking up like crazy, by the second semester of college I fell in love with the love of my life who has brought in so much positive changes to my life to which I am forever grateful to her. it have been a beautiful 2.5 years of just love. tbh I have cheated on her once in the span of 2.5 years which I itself told her because I was guilty of doing so. I am completely honest with her about everything in my life.
- I stared backpacking since I joined college and have done many solo trips around India including the Himalayas.


2. DMT AND ME.

I was introduced to changa around an year ago. the experience I had was out of the world. I had 2 more very beautiful experience with changa until I finally had my hands on dmt. I had a gram of dmt with me and smoked all of it in almost 30 sessions in a span of 1.5 months using an oil burner pipe. There were days where I would go home at food breaks in college to smoke dmt, and there were days where I smoked it 5 times in a day. most of my doses revolved around 30-40mgs which was not any breakthrough level doses. at times I put more dmt than I can handle expecting to breakthrough and the experience turned out to be very vague, less understandable and scary. but I was always determined to keep going as I always felt there is more to this than what I already experienced.

even though I have seen entities kind of figures I have not established communication. during the first days of tripping I considered these entities to be fragments of my own imaginations, and my trips to be In relation to my recently acquired ideas. in the beginning I was less respectable to the dmt. and since I experienced a not so beautiful trip ( I wouldn't call it a bad trip, but it scared the shit out of me as I kept on dying in the trip), I began venturing into dmt related forums books etc. I could understand the Tibetan book of the dead in a new light after this trip. I read the book 2 years ago with the experiences I had on LSD and could not at all understand the book as a whole at that time. I was also introduced to DMT-NEXUS at around this time. most of the questions I had was already answered or at least asked here.

90% of my dmt trips include music and are done in my bedroom with no lights on.

3. DMT AND MY GUILT TRIPS.

Now lets get to the subject matter,

For around 3 months now, I have been smoking changa as it has become difficult for me to get my hands on good dmt.
the thing about changa is that the larger duration of the trip compared to smoking pure dmt. some find it better than smoking dmt as it is easier to smoke in a bong and also for the longer lasting property of the herb. I personally am a fan of dmt as I like the short duration of the trip.

almost 3 weeks ago is when It first happened.

TRIP-1

I took around .15g of changa (30% dmt and high MAOI content)in my bong in my dark bedroom with no lights on. "Shpongle - How The Jellyfish Jumped Up The Mountain" was playing on my speaker at average volume. this is one of my favourite tracks and I have tripped to this song a lot of times. the onset happened with my speaker cracking up the song, I stared hearing vocals (not of any languages known to me) which were not In the song. a bright yellow light filled my forehead. I thought somehow the house has caught fire and opened my eyes ( I trip mostly with me eyes closed only opening them after complete darkness has taken over my visuals). I tried closing my eyes and my visuals were very distorted. a black hole came into the centre of my visuals. I could see beings, magical kingdoms and patterns on the outside of this black hole's corners. I started puking and I puked out the whole chicken biriyani which I ate that afternoon. the trip was not ending. I do not have a habit of keeping track of time before I go into the trip, thus I did not know for how long I must have been tripping, for the first time in my life I wanted my trip to come to an end. by the comedown I stared having this visual of a fish with a lot of garbage inside its stomach. I felt like I was the fish and my body is filled with garbage considering the amount of drugs I do and the junk food I ate.

after this trip I started consuming less alcohol and drugs like ecstasy and MDMA. I started eating more veggies and fruits and less junk and meat.

TRIP-2

with significant changes made to my lifestyle for around 4 days I decided to dive in gain but with a smaller dose of .09g in my bong.

This time the trip was like any normal day until I noticed a white light blinking on top of my head. and for some reason I started having a boner and felt sexual urges. then on the comedown I started thinking about my sex life. I have a very good sex life with my partner and is very much satisfied with it. but the problem is not that, because I am horny most of the times due to the events in my childhood I have developed a fapping habit and I think this has gone out of control as at times I tap upto 6-8 times a day even though I have sex like 2 times a day.

I thought I am addicted to porn and tapping which I for sure am. so I thought another good shot of changa could give me more insight into this, so I took another shot of .09g almost after 40mins of the first trip.
This is where I where is happened the second time, it was less visuals and felt like a conversation with myself. like I am talking to myself about the changes I have to make in order to come over my porn and gap addiction.

I have tried my best not to fap or turn to porn but end up doing It regardless at least once in a day.

TRIP-3

this was my last trip which happened almost a week ago, in this trip I consumed .12g of changa with my girlfriend in a joint. I felt so disgusted at myself in the trip and it was less enjoyable. even though my girlfriend had the best trip of her life I was guilt tripping myself over the last trip I had.


I feel like I am cheating on her by watching porn and fapping. I love her a lot and will do anything for her and I believe she will do the same. I had this conversation with her and she pointed out that fapping and porn is a normal thing to do and I should not be worried about it. I had the conversation with some of my close friends and they too said the same.

I feel like this has something to do With my childhood trauma and for some reason I am feeling scared to do changa again until I do something to counter this addiction. I have failed miserably as there have not even been one day I haven't fapped since last week.


4. CONCLUSION

I want you guys to tell me if I should do another trip without doing anything about my porn habit. I feel disgusted about myself and feels scared to do it again. will I be able to overcome this?

my country is going through a total lockdown and I am home all the time mostly. it would be great if you guys could help me get back on track with my journeys.

You had a rough start. I’m glad to see you have the strength to deal with it.

It’s okay to watch porn. This physical world exists mostly for sex. More or less everything else can be enjoyed in mental/astral planes, such as love, music, art, creation, logic, and so.

Did you talk about porn with your girlfriend? Not every woman considers it bad. Most women watch porn.

I stopped watching it since I am taking mushrooms. I didn’t stop it because it was wrong. Many times, I took mushrooms with the purpose of watching porn. All drugs make me sexual, but pharma, for example, takes me away too fast to get involved.

The reason I stopped watching porn was I lost my interest. No kind of porn can come even close to what I see, although what I see is much less explicit. Trust me, I watched everything except for children and violence. A huge part of my trips are sexual, or more likely, erotic, and porn is not interesting anymore.

As for weed.

I find it typical that they want to legalize it. The more harmful a substance is the more likely it is legal. The less harmful it is, the more likely it is illegal.



You can see it’s better than alcohol but it’s in the middle range.

From personal experience, weed caused me the most issues by far. Until you are balanced, happy, optimistic, weed can bring you to hell. It doesn’t happen to everyone, but when it happens, it’s bad.

I’ve never met anyone in my life who smoked weed on a regular basis, and who didn’t seem to have issues because of it.

By the way, weed is the typical drug for watching porn. If you feel guilty because of the porn, and if weed makes you feel guilty in general, they are the worst combination for you.

If you want to go on the path of taking drugs, I suggest that:

1. Grow mushrooms.

2. Take pharmahuasca instead of vaping DMT. My choice of MAOI was syrian rue extract. You might run into difficulties getting it now due to the crisis. Then, grow mushrooms.

3. If you can’t resist both porn and weed, watch porn and don’t smoke weed.

4. Try to understand that this physical world was created mostly for sex and porn. Not many people will tell you this because they don’t know it. I give you my word. It doesn’t mean you should watch porn. For example, I stopped it. But it's okay to do it.

5. One year ago, I would have suggested you go to therapy. But I stopped mine recently. (We will meet once in a while for my meds). Mushrooms and pharma worked out better.

I didn’t read all your post as it was quite heavy. I could feel for you already for the parts I read. You are strong and intelligent enough to heal yourself. You are doing it already. Keep going. Your life will be better.

Sounds like you’ve answered your own question just by asking it here, friend.

That is a rough childhood for sure, some counseling could most certainly help you work through some of that I would hope.

I find many parallels with your story, although not as extreme in my case. The thing that I was stuck on tripping for a long time was the recurring thought that I am alone on this journey. It’s real, nobody can answer your questions, or take your load, or do the inner work for you. Integration of the messages we are given takes time, and effort.

And for what it’s worth, I don’t think you should beat yourself up for clearing the pipes once a day so to speak. That’s an improvement, and you need to recognize when you’re doing better even if it’s not where you ideally wish to be.

Love and light