After a long break due to many different reasons. I finally had the calling again, and went for a relatively intense 4 day retreat.
I've been in maybe around 30 ceremonies in the past, both traditional and analogs. Allot of them by myself. Though never been to south America yet.
This was with traditional brew from Peru, and a fairly traditional ceremony style.
I was super nervous before the 1st ceremony. Was almost shaking in the car when we started getting close to the farm. Same place i had one of my most intense experience years ago.
My first 3 ceremonies in 4 years can be summed into:
Ceremony 1; Gently welcomed home by mother, showed me how to remember how it can be and let go of some fear. Short but beautiful.
Ceremony 2; Hit me hard and fast, was unable to move for a while with my body vibrating while I was in this bluish kaleidoscopic world. A bit later I got super annoyed by a very noisy fellow traveler. But i was more annoyed by myself for letting myself be annoyed by this. This drove me to realize my pain, resentment and irritability, is resentment of myself on so many levels. Need to learn again how to respect and love myself. Was quite dark, but in a strangely beautiful way. It was a sort of relief to allow myself to realize and look at the self resentment. There was allot of details around this, like feeling of failure due to divorce, hating my job i used to be good at, allowing my life to become so dull, gaining back weight and many other things. Allot of feelings of failure.
Ceremony 3; Pure uninhibited self love and bliss. Was catapulted into the bright yellow glittering "love recharge" place. Felt like i was at the source of love. It was like having my duracells recharged with love, and at some point i even saw a battery getting charged. Like making love with myself, in a non sexual way. I devoured my smell, and really wanted to be naked. Slowly moved into a more composed, centered self-love. At some point at the peak, she was just in front of my face and i wanted her to swallow me and consume me. I really really wanted her to just take me, but not quite. Went for a second cup. but didn't quite get me there,
This was my first daytime ceremony, quite the experience. Imagine at the end of the ceremony, coming out to a field of grass with big plates with lots of fruits on a beautiful sunny afternoon.
Came out of it a bit sad actually, maybe coz i know the journey ahead will be hard. Its hard to go back to everyday life again, to see so much that needs to change. And I have so much work to really start respecting and loving myself again.
It was very different for me now, maybe coz I am different. Things was much more clear, and i was more willing to look at the pain and dark stuff. At some point after the realization about self resentment, I asked: So now we found this, lets look at my fear of dying (have had allot of health issues last few years). She would not have it, she actually seemed to laugh at me; "Don't be silly, you are not afraid of dying. You know its nothing to fear" I was utterly confused by this. Usually I attribute allot of inner dialog on aya with dialog with myself. But this really felt like someone else making a statement.
But now the hard part starts, the integration....
Love and light
External Anarchy & Internal Monarchy