I had sort of a religious experience.


I was tripping on acid, listening to music and suddenly I felt the love emanating. I knew its love right away - got scared and shut off the feeling. Then the sound of a thousand ringing voices. There was no words, but it was telepathic, I knew what it wanted to say. "Pay attention". Then the sensation of scanning my soul. I was an atheist, I didnt belive in souls. The sensation that it can live outside the body, and with it, an overwhelming sensation of foreigness, like im not this person. "What do you mean, its just me?!" Some time after, the entity asked me to break threw on dmt. "Please, you have to break threw" and the sound of breaking threw. "no, smoke later". Its the thing I most regret in my life and it almost killed me. (explanations in paragraphs below)


Soon after I broke the heart of the girl I loved. She loved me despite being a monster, an idiot, hurting her and not caring. The most amazing girl, truly unique. She didnt exist to me. Never said anything or aknowledged the feelings she had. Turns out I had NPD - narcissistic personality disorder. I think its the worst thing that can happen to a person. Your not even a person at all - your an automaton. The automaton hates love and loves to be hated. What you are is a FALSE SELF (sensation of foreigness). You think of this as your personality, becouse thats all you know, from an earliest age. Its a reaction to early childhood trauma. My mom was a narcissist. With no capacity to understand this, no ability to reflect on yourself. You dont even think at all. All your thoughts are just a justification of what the automaton will do. Held captive in a nightmare like that.


I understand why - becouse the false self has no genuine feelings (scared of love and shutting off the feeling), it just simulates the emotion and its afect, the physical sensation. It decides what its apropriate to feel instead of feeling it. Its enormously decieving, I would never know the difference. That the feelings Im having are not the same feelings other people have. So it cant realy hate, she just didnt exist - especialy becouse we were both in love with eachother. I understand its becouse ONLY my TRUE SELF was in love with her, that one feeling confirming my existance. But I only knew that becouse I fell in love with her. The false self knew exactly. It uses emotional resonance tables - photographic memory, able to instantly discern your mental state. Then uses it to lash out. Walking past her when after many months, she wants to confess love to ne a second time. It was horrifying, what it made me do. But I had to learn empathy first for it to be horrifying.


Understanding what happened took many months. Becouse with this, you dont live in the real world. You have no object constancy, no capacity to understand causality or that your actions have consequences. The false self is incapable of that. Its an automaton, not a thinking, feeling person - you just react. It took me months of heartbreak and "narcissistic supply deficiency" (I'll explain further, but its a lot worse than a heartbreak. You fucking disintegrate) to understand how I was hurting her. THAT OTHER PEOPLE HAVE FEELINGS. Wihout empathy it was an impossible question. Even though I knew she was in love before, that she wants to be with me, was still an impossible thought to have that she can still be in love (??). But to the false self only thing that was important was to NOT be with the girl I loved at any cost. My first love at the age of 29. She must have just thought Im the biggest idiot in the universe. Didnt know she was in love, broke her heart and then fell in love. The truth is stranger than she can imagine. Than I could have imagined. This had to be the only possible explanation. Everything my false self told me had to be a lie for this question to arise, you are so deranged. Even people with schizophernia generaly know they are delusional. With NPD you dont. You dont know that you dont exist.


You have internal monologue with this. "Am I in love with her" was an impossible thought.
"Your love is cheap, you can love any girl" (my first love) - My false self telling me I mean nothing to her . I was the YOU. The false self, the parasite was the I.


I had entity contact once more on the day I learned I had NPD. Imagine feelings somewhat unique and you find a youtube video explaining you with 99% accuracy. I lied down in bed mortified and had wavy light with closed eyes. And the sensation of something touching my cheek. A sign that I found the answer. Now I think that the universe speaks to me on facebook, threw my friends (not even joking about this).


And when I finally spoke to her, my false self just lashed out - that I never wanted to be with her and how little she mattered. Narcisstic rage, you have a need to be infallible, godlike, no matter what. She was only a little angry, so amazing. But ofcourse everyone elses feelings dont exist, but you are oversensitive to yours. Even though I wanted to say something completely different. I couldnt control it before I strenghtened the true self. Becouse only extreme pain can even make you understand that you do this. I wouldnt survive this If it was me. Only kept me alive that It wasnt me, that I never even existed.


It still realy realy hurts - the shame of being the biggest idiot, dissapointing the girl that I loved, the worst person she ever met, no redeemable qualities. Waiting for months for an idiot like that. Stupider than she could have imagined. But feelings work in such a way that you feel it out, and then you are ok. You dont have that when your a narcissist. You have a constant need of external afirmation, attention of others (narcissistic supply). Good or bad attention, you will do anything to get it - look stupid, or put yourself in danger. We couldnt just have our perfect love, becouse thats not how the universe works. There was something more important. Learning negative feelings. Noone in their right mind would heartbreak her. And I had to learn ALL feelings and that I have a personality. It had to happen in this way. We are god so we had the perfect love infite times. The universe is here to surprise us I think. I think the entity made contact only to show me that my dream of dmt was impossible the way I was. They say not to even invite narcissists to ayahuasca ceremonies. That they always fight the medicine. Your soul is a cosmic void that even the dmt cant fill. It hurts so much that I was an ashole to the gods. Insuferable to the girl I loved. All the simple things were impossible. At lesat not hate her for being in love with me? At least a chance to make my own mistakes and learn from them. Even the gods cant save you from this. The dmt was a big help in small ammounts to deal with the negative feelings. Still waiting to break threw.


Realy sorry for long post. The end might seem abrupt but I have to end. thank you if you made it this far, Would appreciate any feedback.