Im not sure exactly how this forum works, however i feel there is nobody out there who might be able to help me understand as well as some of y'all.
Quick back story, i've lived in the U.S. bouncing from city to city, left for a European country at a young age with one abusive parent hoping to escape the previous. Mom was emotionally violent and dad physically. Grew up with not much, however can now have anything i really desire within means due to hard work. Yet up until a recent birthday i always felt hopeless and just empty. Suicide was something i tried to visit a couple times, yet it visited my thoughts everyday. I would still try to pray to a God i didn't think existed, only because it became habit due to a job. I backed more of the whole humans suck and were doomed outlook. I was miserable, constantly had to have a girlfriend and just wasn't happy with myself. Im fairly intelligent, above most i've been told after a whole life of therapy and psychological tests, i just never applied myself because i was more focused on dying and the hopelessness of why i was here living this awful life.
On my 25th, i don't know what it was but i decided it was finally time to venture into DMT, and i'm a go big or go home guy.
I started it with changa, i had been told thats a more pleasant entry. First try, my friend and his girlfriend sat in the living room with me as i tried to experience this finally. I was way too uncomfortable though. Some closed-eye kaleidoscopic visuals i would say but nothing more. I expressed to him i was going to have to just do it alone and they were on their way. The next morning i woke up with one intention in mind. After getting my dogs situated in a separate part of the house, i went into my bedroom, adjusted my mind and began.
I would hit it for ten seconds, inhale and hold while i began to count to ten again. I had maybe ten minutes of tribulation when it came to "breaking through," i was starting to doubt it. I got up from my cozy mattress and stack of pillows i was propped up on and made my way to a table and chairs about five feet from the foot of my bed, where i sat in the chair that overlooked an average residential sized tree through the window in my bedroom. I'm on the second floor so my line of site is parallel to the mass of the foliage. This is where i began to see the tree melt yet simultaneously transform into a face. All i felt then was that i was being called to keep hitting it. I load another one, ten seconds in, hold ten seconds, ten seconds in, hold ten seconds. Now there's a buzzing growing like its wrapping itself around me, louder and louder, ten seconds in, one, two, three, now everything is fading to black as the cherry grows brighter and the buzzing intensifies. Four, five, and then as if somebody hit a switch and clicked their tongue in my ear.
I was falling through weird symbols and patterns i've never seen, something was there i believe but i hardly remember this place. However i remember a bright light in the corner i could see myself falling from and thats when i jumped to it. Consciously i'm flying through the air at rapid speeds where i land on what seems to be clouds. Which threw me off because how do you land on something in such a way when you're flying up? I'm scared of heights so i grasped the clouds tight and looked beneath me where i saw a woman who was full of vibrant flowing colors. As she uncrossed her arms from her body in a spreading of love type of way, a pathway of sorts full of more vibrant colors began to flow out of her belly, followed by beautifully colored creatures. At that point i came out of it. Content and happy. Thats maybe 10% of what i experienced. After this I knew one thing with an astoundingly strong certainty. 'There is so much more.'
A few days of thinking have passed and a buddy comes over who's in the engineering field. I tell him what i saw as he is into psychedelics, which is odd because other than one 700ug acid trip through a haunted house and maybe eight or nine large dose mushroom trips, i wasn't as into it as most. They were great and i never experienced a bad trip, but never left a lasting effect mentally. Anyways, after a whole day of talking he decides he's finally ready to try as well and I also decide i'm ready for more answers. Around 8p.m. we decide to go on our journey. Again, i can't get anything with another human presence in the room. He smokes enough for some visuals and decides to set it down and go home. I have two and a half grams of powder to myself. Here is where things get unexplainable.
The best way to describe it at this point is like a vending machine of journeys. Each hit is a different journey, yet the course is set to the same destination if that makes sense. I Remember one where beautiful entities danced in rhythmically pleasing patterns trying to seduce me towards them as i watched, the indescribable sensation my body was feeling brought nothing but pure happiness and joy. Another i lived multiple full lives in five minutes and woke up crying and screaming thank you. After a few different motive lacked journeys, i decided it was time to know the question i always longed for. "Is there a God?"
I hit it with nothing but that in mind but nothing was happening, then this is where things began to talk to me. "You are not allowed to come, you are coming for the wrong reasons." I felt insane, but another presence appeared, for some reason i believe it was my deceased grandfather, and he told me to reevaluate my thought process and come again. So I did, i took the biggest hit i could handle.
Here is where everything i've known and believed got flicked out the window like a cigarette butt on the highway. I could see myself in a physical form radiating with color and melting, at the same time i was a cloud of blue speckles of dust ready to explode. This is when nothing other than what i can describe as a presence embraced me full of love and acceptance, he told me he was ready for me and i told him i would come back on Saturday when its nice and sunny out and them just like the snap of a finger i'm conscious and a hundred percent coherent.
For the next three hours while i run a couple errands i do nothing but question my own sanity.
Now its 1a.m. I Just got back home and decide i need answers. I Load up as much as i can leaving maybe enough for one more journey. One question in mind. "What did i just experience." I Lay in my bed put in my airpods, put on 'Horn Concerto No. 3 in E Flat, K. 447: I. Allegro' by Mozart, and start inhaling away. Just like the very first journey i'm falling through this dark place full of symbols and patterns, except this time i spinning and tumbling uncontrollably. This is where i start to get confused as i'm being yelled at in whispers as i fall. "It's Just DMT! It's Just DMT! It's just DMT!" I wake up screaming "i'm too defensive" at the same time i remember thinking i need to open up. I thought i was out of the trip as i was in my room, but then the walls flew away and something started lifting me by my toe. At this point i've left my body. I see myself lying on the bed but at the same time from the bed i see myself hovering in front of me. Hovering me is tearing me apart flaw by flaw, and emotion by emotion. All the while the version of me in bed is dancing away each layer of myself with each blow of the horn in the last minute of the song, then i throw myself all back together and wake up a completely different man. Ive hired a person trainer to live a healthier life, i have a profound love for humanity and and all living creatures plant and animal. I have the overwhelming sensation we are all connected and are here in a materialistic universe and this is just a fragment of whats to come when we pass. Ive never been so happy, yet so sad others haven't experienced something like this. That week changed my life for the better as i now have the life goal of creating the best version of myself so that i'm ready for whats next when my time comes.
Yet it leaves me with a thousand questions. What Just happened? What was that? Was that actually another presence? Was that all my head? I Didn't read any experiences before going in as to make sure they were all my own. The effect it had on me though just has me so baffled. I cry from joy and happiness just if i think about the experiences i had that week for too long.
I'll end this with my thought process and where i lay right now. i understand energy cant be created nor destroyed and that we are full of energy down to using oxygen to produce energy from the food we eat. So if energy cant be destroyed we must venture to a different universe right? Take that and factor in the element of spirits and ghosts, i've never seen one, but could they be beings who didn't quite fulfill their purpose here and thats why they're still in this universe? Or maybe DMT is rocket thrusters to the next universe when our time comes and if your thrusters don't go off your soul gets stuck here? Ive done so much research since the experience and i've found crazy things!
Has anyone considered the comparison of DMT to the Akashic Record, The Levels of Samadhi, Bhagavad-Gita As It Is, etc.? If DMT is everywhere and in everything living, is this life just a tributary of the universe's consciousness? I sound crazy, which is what led me here as i feel like this collective of people will be the only one that can help. However in the entrance to every journey i'm surrounded by coding, like computer coding, they're not as visible as the symbols and patterns in the dark area i fall through, yet i see them flowing through our air after the second hit. Is this all of our electronic data being transferred through space? If so this life we know is merely a spec in the kaleidoscope of existence.
-Horn Concerto No.3