Hello, i wish you all beautiful day filled with love and joy
Sorry for bad english, i'll do my best. Sorry if it will be too long

In my early childhood i was going trough some difficult situations that had built my character and made me questione nature of cosmos (then i called it god) When i was 15, i went to sleep, and then suddenly i found my soul levitating over my body in the corner of my room and watching me sleep. I was terryfied (it was so real), i couldn't sleep all night. It drove me crazy because i couldn't explain this since i had no spiritual knowelage back then. This made me question reality even more.

When i was 16, i was introduced to weed. My psychounaut carrer begun. It was very significant plant for me at that time. It just made my anxiety and depression dissapear. This is something that i took for granted. I started smoking 10+ joints a day, spending all my money on weed. Weed was everything to me, it tottaly obsessed me, although i managed to do all of my responsibilities and work out. Back then i was feeling great. I was tapping into surface of spirituality learning about lucid dreaming, OBE's (finally explanation for my soul looking at me sleeping). I was very disgusted by the way people treat their lives, although i wasn't perfect either. I had some fantastic thoughts when i was travelling by train to school and philosophy lessons of that day were appearing in my head, and when i come to class teacher taught us that same lessons - i hadn't understand them at all back then.

When my high school was over ( 18 ), me and my best friend decided to go Amsterdam. We had greatest time of our lives there. On our 3rd day there we bought some Psilocybe Mexicana truffles. I had no idea what will i experience. I had been reborn. I felt like i was in heaven, everything made sense, i was looking from top of my head (like playing some RPG game, i think it was my 7th chakra activated when i think about it) That feeling of connection with whole universe made me cry with joy all the time. My spirituality was exploding and everything was clear to me. I had positive effects 5 months after that trip (opennes toward everything, 0 depression and anxiety) This is the point of my life when i really fell in love with psychedelics. I was so fascinated with those mushrooms that i wanted to learn everything about psychedelics.

Then i moved to college. I started smoking even more, spending more money on weed giving it to everyone around me (because i wanted to be recognised as good person, it was really start of self destructive behavior), stopedd exercising. I got my hands on some LSD for first time. Took it in bad set and setting (sadly, I wasn't paying much attention to set and setting) I found myself in deamonic trip where head of my friend was turning into deamon, i wasn't freaking out, i knew it would end. Then i looked in the mirror and saw my head turining into devil and i watched him and stared at his eyes. It was very difficult experiance but i stayed calm. It felt like I have defeated all the fear that i had. Next day was beautiful becaouse it was all over, everything had such amasing glow. Since then, i really lost all the fear i had, i started cheating my friends, my family, everyone. Smoking weed turned into abusing plant and making other people suffer beacuse of my abuse. In that period that lasted 3 years, i was introduced to MDMA and amphetamine and started to abuse them as well. I got into bad company where everyone lifes were spinning around getting high on anything.
In that period of my life i had brought back anxiety, deppresion and succedded in completely destroying my self-esteem.

It was really very stressing period of my life, but i don't regret it. It all needed to happen so i could become more compassionate human being trough suffering and reflection. In all that chaos psychedelics really helped me stand on my feet again. One 1p-LSD trip was very helpful it just said to me, be a better person - it was still very difficult trip but it really changed me for better. Then one time i did mushrooms in very good set and setting(3.5g cubensis on 24 hour fast, deep in the woods),while meditating i experienced kundalini energy rising and breaking all energy blockades in my body, i leterally felt snake wraping around my spine and leading me into trance state with intense visuals. I smoked spice 4 times in poor set and setting, luckly it was low dose. They were all beautifull experiences with some visuals and short duration. DMT really hepled me quit my cannabis addiction. Since i triend spice, i don't smoke cannabis at all and i'am very thankfull for that

I'am now on a better path of self-improvement, love and dedication. I'am very glad that i managed to recognise how bad i was and trun back to my true self. I still need to heal my brain and body from stimulant and alcohol abuse, but it is getting better every day Psychedelics showed me both sides of the coin and i believe that people should educate themselves better and take this substances seriously because they have tremedous potential for self improvement and healing. Now, I use entheogens only for spiritual purpuses and with clear intention in good set and setting.

All in all, i'am very thankful to universe that it has led me to this site and it's beautiful members. There is so much thing to learn here and i really love attitude this site has.

Thank you

Welcome to the nexus.

Bad English? Not really, I can understand it .

What was your anxiety about that it needed weed to vanish and what was your fear about that it needed LSD to defeat it? And when all was gone you started abusing lots of stuff? Your life lacked balance. Am I right to suggest you were afraid of yourself?

Anyway, I understand you’re know in better shape. Keep it that way and let us know about new trips.

Whilst I don't agree with the overall philosophy of Alan Watts I do really love this quote, apt to what you've just shared,

“If you get the message, hang up the phone. For psychedelic drugs are simply instruments, like microscopes, telescopes, and telephones. The biologist does not sit with eye permanently glued to the microscope, he goes away and works on what he has seen.” - Alan Watts

You mentioned the out-of-body experience at a young age after sincerely asking. You really should explore this side of things properly, not everyone gets the chance at those experiences.. a lot of people don't even remember their dreams! You are sensitive/receptive. The flip side of that is over doing psychedelics can lead to instability.

I don't know if it were anxiety or how would i call the feeling that i wanted to vanish, but it was mainly because i lacked self esteem and was constantly putted down by my family members (i now do understand that it was all my fault that i let that happen and that nothing is excuse for abuse ) and weed was something that put all of my pain away and made me feel good about myself .

Damn, you really got to the very root of my problems, thank you for that
You are absolutely right about the fear, it was me that i was afraid of, especially my shadow
That loss of fear made me loose my sense for consequences, so i wasn't afraid to do some bad things to family and friends, it was just fuck everything state , i can do whatever i like, wasn't thinking how my behavior can affect other people around me.
Eventually this all was kind of personal transformation for me, i just like to look at it that way, maybe i am wrong. I am now very conscious about my behavior and try to give love and help to everyone around me



You are right, i'am very sensitive/receptive person (although, i have never seen connection between my sensitivity and OBE's that i have) thanks for that point of view , i had some very strange OBE's where witch drove me around the world at speed of light on her broom hahaha aslo very often i can recall dream inside which i go into OBE , i don't know how would i understand that, is it just me creating OBE inside of the dream or something else ... Back to the psychedelics, i haven't used them that frequently at all (mushrooms and LSD), but i did abuse MDMA and alcohol really hard, sometimes 5 days straight, which left mark on my sensibility and receptivity even more and as you said instability. With it i still have some issues sometimes and that is improving with my discipline and healing methods like fasting, yoga and meditation.