Subject:
Male in his 40s
On Beta blockers for high blood pressure.
Married. Children and pets and domestic animals in the household.
Employed. Not rich but comfortable financially.

Previous psychedelic experience:
1.8gm cubensis - test dose about 1 year back. Mild effects. Not counted as a proper psychedelic trip.

Background issues:
Very difficult childhood that continues to influence my interaction with others.
Deteriorating relationship with spouse. Unpleasant arguments frequently.
Boredom and frustration at work.

Trip report:
Apologies for this not being one of the more entertaining reports. I am not the most eloquent of writers.

My wife and children were away for the weekend, leaving me at home to look after the animals. I thought this would be a good opportunity to take a trip into my head and try to find answers to a few questions. My resolve was to explore childhood issues. I completed all domestic chores, put the pets and animals to bed and I had an early supper of soup at about 18:00. I had some Ondansetron sublingual tabs lying around so I took one of these at about 21:40.

At about 21:45, I crushed 3.5gm of P.Cubensis with my fingers into a mug and half filled it with water at about 60C. The dried mushrooms smelt awful and I wasn't really looking forward to drinking the tea. I added two spoons of honey to the tea and drank it at 22:00. Surprisingly, the awful smell was gone and it didn't taste bad. Even chewing the mushroom sediment wasn't bad. I then went upstairs to my bedroom and got into bed. I left the light on and the bathroom door open in case I had to leg it to the toilet to throw up. Thankfully, I didn't have to at any point. The Ondansetron worked brilliantly and I didn't experience any nausea at all. I had quite a bit of nausea in my earlier low dose trial.

I started off by listening to some songs on youtube that I normally find uplifting. It was about 21:10 and the body unease and anxiety were building up strongly. I switched to another video as the one I was watching didn't seem to be helping. As I listened to the second song, my mind started latching on to the lyrics in a negative way and my vision started blurring . I stopped this video and switched to one that was about 6 hours of meditation music. I found this soothing and it set a gentle tempo for the rest of the trip.

At about 21:15 the anxiety and unease were so strong that I curled up in bed under a blanket and turned the screen of my laptop away from me. I felt very cold even though it was very hot evening. The closed eye visuals started at this point and became more and more vivid over the next 15 min. The feeling of anxiety slowly reduced but did not go away completely. When I opened my eyes and looked at the ceiling, I saw what looked like interference fringes from the 4 led up-lighters in the four corners of the room. Everything was moving and flowing. I remember thinking that it was very fortunate that I didn't go straight for the 5gm in silent darkness that I was briefly tempted to do.

I closed my eyes and watched the visuals and I was completely overwhelmed by the beauty. They were not organic at all. It was like futuristic modern art flowing. The colours, shapes and patterns were so incredibly amazing that I was literally lying there open mouthed in complete awe. I was so entranced by the beauty of it that I even forgot to breathe. From time to time my body would kick in and make me take a breath in. It was at this point, that the message dropped in. I hadn't done any thinking or reflection about it earlier. It just dropped into my head without any searching.

The message I got was 'you are one lucky bastard - be grateful for what you have got'. You have a wife who has stood by you through all manner of difficulties. Your children are well behaved and are developing into lovely people any parent would be proud of. You have a decent job. You don't struggle to make a living. Be grateful and learn to appreciate what you have rather than dwelling on the negatives.

The visuals continued in all their magnificence and the music flowed like some invisible soothing radiation through my head. At this point, I was feeling both hot and cold at the same time. I was feeling both euphoric and anxious at once. I kept gasping out 'how beautiful', 'how amazing'. When I glanced at the clock it was 23:30. I needed to empty my bladder, so I got up and went to the bathroom. It was quite difficult as I was unsteady on my feet and everything was distorted in a cartoon like manner. Some walls were really far out and others closer. The wardrobes looked really wide on top and narrow lower down. I managed to do the necessary and return back to bed but moving around brought the anxiety back. To calm myself, I focused on the message I got and reminded myself that I have a wonderful family.

I closed my eyes and watched the visuals again. I found myself thinking 'if my wife was here watching this with me - how amazing would this be'. My mind then went on to thinking about my wife and I recalled lots of passionate moments I spent with her. While I was lost in these special moments, I was brought to another moment which happened a few days earlier after a particularly unpleasant disagreement. She came to the room where I had isolated myself and tried to talk to me. I realised that this moment in the aftermath of one of our worst disagreements was just as important as the moments of passion. She was reaching out to me but I was so blinded by anger and resentment that I couldn't see it. I thought at the time that she was provoking me. I was completely overwhelmed with love for my wife. I missed her so much and longed for her to be there so I could give her a hug and say sorry and thank you.

I started getting really hot and sweaty at this point. It was a really hot day and the mattress and bed room were baking hot. I discarded all my clothes and wandered around the room aimlessly to cool down a bit. It was about 00:20. I had waves of euphoria and amazement at the experience pass through me. The visuals had decreased but things were still moving around albeit to a lesser degree.

I got dressed once again after cooling down a bit, emptied my bladder once again and settled back in bed. 00:30 to 02:30 passed very very slowly. I would glance at the clock after what seemed like several hours to find that it had only been 1-2 min. I started experiencing random twitches and jerks. They were mostly in my legs but also in my torso. It was a bit like what people with restless leg syndrome experience. They weren't there if I was walking or doing anything purposeful; only when I was lying still. I spent this time reflecting on my close friends and being grateful for their presence in my life. After what seemed like an eternity, I started to come down. It was 02:30. I felt completely exhausted but couldn't sleep. I went downstairs and had a small snack and a drink of water.

I went back to bed at about 03:00. I was almost back to baseline at this point. I had a dull headache the next day (possibly dehydration related - it was a very hot day) and I felt absolutely drained both mentally and physically. I spent the next day reflecting on my experience and trying to work on ways to move forward.

Take home thoughts and a few questions for experienced folk:
Ondansetron works brilliantly for nausea. I would highly recommend it if you can get hold of some.
What I got from the trip was what I needed and not what I wanted.
I was very surprised by how the message just dropped in with no reflective process. Is this normally the case?
Is twitching a common experience?
Is 5gms in silent darkness inherently a lot more anxiety provoking or is it just a case of your state of mind?

Glad to hear your experience went well. I’m about 5 years younger than you, but have had very similar feelings. I had a very similar experience through a moderate dose of lsd (~500ug). The realizations we come to through psychedelics can be amazing.

Thank you for this detailed and beautiful report. I'm glad you had a very meaningful experience. I got twitching sometimes on different psychedelics, also it's much more common on higher doses. I think you can resovle this issue by taking some magnesium supplement.

Wow that is a great experience. I am so happy it showed you what you needed to see. What an amazing gift these are. Thanks for sharing and I sincerly hope this helps heal what needs healing in your life and relationships. Sounds like "you are one lucky bastard"

3-4g is a great dose, all things considered.

Awesome stuff



For me it is, and the higher you go in dosage, the more obvious [and sometimes incredibly forceful] it becomes, in hammering some points home.



The muscle twitches can definitely be common. Happens with me on mescaline majorly so, lsd, mushrooms even. It's happened to many that I've seen here talk over the years. It does happen.



My thoughts is yeah it's much less anxiety provoking. The mind goes inward, being in complete darkness, versus being in light or partial light, can cause confusion, anxiety, terror even occasionally depending. Eyes looking out onto reality, everything ending, even the 'you'. That can surely cause fear and panic. Much less so if you're comfortable and in complete darkness, not ho0lding onto much then.

I would say its a defining characteristic of classic psychedelics to become aware of things instead of thinking about stuff and then getting something that is perceived to be an insight, or a plausible idea.



In blackness, nothing will interact with what is going on. That also means, the experience will contain less familiar elements.

Thanks for sharing your trip report! Those are some fantastic insights you had about your relationship with your wife. She sounds like a very special person.
It sounds like you are beginning a new journey of healing and I'm very excited for you
With love xxx

Thanks for sharing, enjoyed reading this and planning a Cubensis retreat for me and my wifey soon!

Reinforces that this is a good idea.