Well... intent can certainly be everything, and then some!

I brewed my Caapi-only brew again, with the determined intent to heal. The majority of the healing happened before the ceremony even began! I used 50 grams of Caapi again, using apple cider vinegar for the Herbal Percolator. Now I remember why I despise the taste of apple cider vinegar in the brew. Urgh!

Friday night, when I was mentally exhausted, my intentions seemed to come to life in a dark, but ultimately positive way. I was meditating again, in a very loose fashion, because my mental focus was just not really there.

Out of nowhere, I seemingly fell into a mental abyss, where there was only despair and hopelessness. Into myself I fell and fell, feeling deep despair, that there was no beauty to be found, that there was only ugliness and disgust. Eventually, the feeling dissipated, as if I were emptying a bottle of liquid. I tried to hold onto the feeling, but it just slipped away, leaving me calm.

Soon after, I fell into another pit, this time composed of my subconscious worthlessness and blank emptiness. They were the source of my despair and hopelessness. Into it I fell, deeper and deeper, until I couldn't feel anything anymore. My Shadow appeared, as a single eye that asked me if I would give in. In my emptiness, I pushed it away from me, not even feeling worthy of it.

Eventually, I felt myself becoming lighter and lighter, the negative emotions just draining away, like water flowing from between my fingers. I tried to mentally grasp onto the despair and worthlessness, but it was like the words and the feelings I attached to the words had lost their meaning, and felt fake and shallow. And hope, worth? They felt natural, as if they had always been there, but had been obscured by the dark fog.

Utterly exhausted, my tiger spirit guided me to bed, keeping me focused.

The next day, I prepared for the ceremony later that night. I smudged, I cleaned the house, as a metaphor for cleaning the mental cruft from my mind, I ate mostly only watermelon, to keep me going and keep me stomach mostly empty.

I pray calmly, speaking aloud my intentions of healing, to all the spirits I knew. I prayed to Mother Ayahuasca, and she came! In the guise of a woman, Mother Ayahuasca hugged me in her arms, face very close to mine, telling me that I had done very well, and that I would be healed because my intention was clear and firm.

I then meditated for 2 and a half hours, in three 50-minute sessions, listening to this mix all the while:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YmgKMWpm5uk

Throughout, Mother Ayahuasca, and my tiger, crow, guardian spirit guides all healed me in certain ways. Felt like a minor Ayahuasca ceremony, indeed!

At the end of the long meditation, my mind calm and clear, I drank the utterly vile brew that had sitting in the fridge for a good many hours. I warmed it up, and then drank, almost vomiting from it, even though I had a lot of watermelon ready to help sooth me throughout the very excruciating process.

Eventually, all of it down, I groaned heavily, and sat in my meditation chair moaning unpleasantly. My tiger spirit told me not to exaggerate so much and to be calm, otherwise, combined with sickly feeling in my stomach, I might very well purge too early, though she did her best to help me nonetheless.

After I calmed down, my mind flitted all over the place. My tiger spirit calmly told me that most of the healing would now come after the ceremony, and that I should just relax and let the brew take me where it would.

The ceremony went and ended, mostly uneventfully. But, it triggered something, because I went through I whole lot of dark emotional purging over the next few days. Very, very painful. Thought I was going to be mentally broken from the stress, but no, I could handle it, as I realized after it was over.

My bond with my spirit guides is even deeper now than it was before. My mind is even clearer than it was before, but I still have a very long way to go!

Thanks for reading!