f I didn't feel so sure of myself right now, I'd say I've truly lost it, haha.

It seems that there's a reason why I need to take a break from Ayahuasca... it would be dangerous for me to drink at the moment. It would obliterate my ego and send my truly insane. I didn't realize what Mother Ayahuasca meant then... but now, I know all too well; the intensity of my current experiences are best understood sober, because the Ayahuasca state also allows my Shadow to take over more easily, and so, ego inflation is a huge risk.

Yesterday, after having recovered fully from my Heart being mostly cleansed of blockages, my spirit guides told me that this afternoon would be an ordeal, of sorts, that I would need to pay close attention to. When I asked what it would be, they told me to be patient. I will now go on a slight tangent.

Since my Heart Chakra was cleansed, I've been working on communicating via pure intention. Because my ego is still feels rather imbalanced in certain ways, my spirit guides, without telling me why it was important at the time, wanted me to learn how to do the above. Gradually, I've understood why it's important. Because my ego interprets their intentions as words I can grasp, it can also distort them more readily. So, to bypass the confusion, working with pure, wordless intention allows me to grasp their meaning without limitation. It would also be working towards this experience, curiously. Whenever their words got jumbled in my mind, they would stop and do it again, via pure intention, which always came clearly and concisely, except when I was mentally worn out enough, which it something that I intuited to be the case.

Today, as I was walking home, I felt the inexplicable urge to focus on my Heart Chakra again, in a different way. I decided to manifest the energy I felt, as a blazing phoenix. Then, it took on a life of its own, now coming from my Solar Plexus Chakra. The phoenix explained itself as a manifestation of my deep personal power, beyond my ego, also being the source of my intuiton. I sensed that it also represented my power to change myself. Long before I had started using Ayahuasca, on 2015 new year's, I was with some friends, and had just finished smoking some Cannabis. I was sitting, quite stoned, when I had the vision of a phoenix flying towards me, striking me in the Solar Plexus region, sensations of warmth blazing from that area for a while. It told me I could access its power when needed, which I haven't used very often at all, and couldn't at all, during my major depression and anxiety. Also, a few weeks ago, when I was at the New Age shop where I buy my crystals, the lady there said she had the sudden feeling that I needed to research the Egyptian gods Ra and Horus. Together, these two gods are called Ra-Horakhty, whose symbol, funnily enough, is the phoenix. Mind-blowing, when I realized it, just now.

Then, I went through a range of realizations, of what the tiger, crow and phoenix could represent: the tiger being the earth, the phoenix being the sun, the crow being the moon... as I was having these realizations, with my chest being wrapped in this warmth from my Solar Plexus, as I walked past the tree that was nearby, I saw a crow, just sitting there quietly. Focusing on the significance of the crow being there, the phoenix then asked me what I thought of the entire string of events since I had my first spiritual experience. I decided to just accept it all as it was, because denying it as imagination was a useless endeavour, I felt. The phoenix told me it was simple; before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water, after enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. I'm certainly far from enlightened... but, I knew what the phoenix was getting at.

I have had doubts... the experiences kept getting more and more profound, as if challenging my doubts and forcing me to accept the experiences for what they were, my spirit guides for what they were. My spirit guides asked me to meditate again, when I got home.

As I meditated, I underwent some emotional purging again, except this time, I personally took it too far. The effort left me completely bereft of energy and willpower, blank. I was so depleted, I didn't know who I was, seemingly. My spirit guides were concerned that I had gone a bit far. Luckily, they said, I hadn't burnt my Chakras at all. After some investigating of my body, they slowly infused me with energy, which took a while. Then, my Chakra centres and energy meridian points blazed with energy again. The energy meridian point energy felt mildly like pins and needles being stuck everywhere all over my body, and then plunged inwards.

The tiger spirit decided to show me something. I had a strong vision of a huge, iridescently green sun, which the tiger spirit was holding. I stared at it, in blank shock, wondering what exactly it was supposed to represent. The tiger spirit threw it at me, and it hit me squarely in the Heart Chakra. I started to realize what it was... Self-Love, again, but being shown more deeply than last time. As I wondered what to do, it suddenly wrapped around me and fully encased my body. It fully penetrated my being, flooding and overflowing my aura, exploding from my Heart Chakra, with a powerful green radience, with skeins of deep pink and deep purple mixed in. The sensations... were Divine. I have no words for the power of it. I feel mildly tired, but okay. My Crown Chakra has been mildly buzzing since then, pleasantly so.

After briefly wondering about it all, the phoenix appeared again, saying that it was simple, and repeated the phrase: before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water, after enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. It said that everything had changed, and that nothing had changed. Puzzled, I said that it was a contradiction, and the phoenix replied that I was living one. This gave me quite the chuckle when I realized how true it was, that despite my deeply profound spiritual experiences, despite the fact that it has permanently marked me, my situation in the physical world hasn't changed. If I'm to make change, I must create it with my personal power. It will never be given to me on a silver platter. I've been given tools, but I must choose to use them. The doors are in front of me, but I must choose to unlock them with the keys I have been given, and walk through them. And to do that, I need unwavering courage to never give up, to keep going, no matter how many times I stumble and fall.

And despite it all, there is still the future danger of my ego going power-mad with claridade, with mystical inflation... and that is why Ayahuasca is so dangerous for my ego right now. Mother Ayahuasca knows, too... that's why she told me not to come back for a solid year. I can wait until August next year, despite my ego trying to tempt me to drink again too early already. My spirit guides won't let me do anything dangerous. That is where rigid discipline can actually be useful, for the time it is needed.

The tiger and crow spirits want me to use fully the power they represent and give... but if I am to do so without going insane from ego inflation, their prerequisite to that access is fully taming my ego, integrating my Shadow, and becoming my whole Self. They only let me access their powers that they know will not cause claridade.

I could not be more grateful for everything in my life... including the criticism.

Hi,
it sounds like you feel cornered or confined or something like that.
Whatever puts you there, it's real but just a giant balloon, one to go with or take a tiny needle to snap the whole thing
just2cents

Can you expand please, Jees?

I don't feel so much cornered or confined... but more overwhelmed trying to comprehend and integrate it all. And that's where grounding myself comes into play. I'm not doing so bad with the grounding, but I could do better.

Thanks for this post, Jees!

Somehow, your post triggered some repressed anger from within that I have held onto for a long two years. The situation that it was connected to was anger, frustration and resentment over feeling I hade no control, being cornered and powerless to change my situation. That situation went on for good 6 months... I think I haven't released all of it just yet, but enough for now. I'd break if I had to express all that emotion in one go. Hopefully, it will be less intense next time.

You use other words but about what I wanted to say.

Maybe I refer to "Do not give in to astonishment" like becoming sovereign as only one possible hint on how to integrate. A bit like gliding from the participant of a defined flow toward the untouchable observer, its the latter having a lot more options. Of course: if wished for.

People drown easily in what enrolls before them for various reasons. If it fits and becomes, no problem. All I want to say is you do have options at disposal, I think that when it comes to mystical/psychological/spiritual things, these are most transformable and volatile while it certainly pretends otherwise. Again if wished for.

You can integrate experiences X or Y. What is also (simultaneously) possible is to integrate your relationship towards having those experiences at all, in a way that you observe how much they define you (feelings) and if you are served by it.

When I have a (mainly pharma) session I see them coming like by freight: the mind & hearth capturing tales. And always for a sec they have me (instead of me having them ). I can go with them if I wish, and to be honest there was a long time I didn't knew there was another option.
Nowadays I caught them in the act, and smile to them like it were children teasing me. Suddenly they loose ALL weight and reality and importance, that balloon has snapped. Up to another one, snap again...
This sets me free or free-er.
It means I spent lesser time in integrating them specifically and more time integrating my relationship with my property of having "catching tales" boiling up at all. My interest of their specific nature declines in favor of what drives them to exist.
I've no definite answer for now, but I know that by simply looking at it, disclosing it, observing it, some mechanics set to work. It feels very good.
Well this is all me, and I dunno if it concerns you, just sharing I'd say.

I don't know if any of this will help as I don't think I have or can grasp the depth of your experience so far, so I can only talk from where I am (and as such this is as much advise to myself as to you, possibly more so).

It sounds like you are trying really hard to progress, which I have done myself.

It also sounds like the journey is becoming frantic and confusing, entities/guides seem to want to push you all the time to move on.

It sounds, though, that you are on a solid journey, but you seem to be hard on yourself about measuring progress and expectation of changes in your life. Also don't beat yourself up about emotions, I wish I had more of them!

Just take every moment as the moment. Your intent will carry you forward, do not over exercise the intellect to try and solve this paradox, the mind abhors paradox.

But so far for me, one paradox of the journey has been that the further I go I realise that I have gone nowhere at all because I was always there already and all I have done is rationalised it.

I would suggest that you do not measure progress, or expect your position in the world to change so fast. Judging this process by expecting your position among others to change ism to me, measuring by the wrong criteria anyway. I don't even think its possible to know what the position is meant to be until much further in - it could be you are exactly where you need to be.

It really sounds to me like you and I are on the same journey, the heart chakra has been a strong part of mine too, and right now I am in a similar place of taking that break from confusion and too much too fast. I avoided the symbolism of guides, although it has called to me many times - even that is too much complexity for me.

I have learned that the journey probably has no goal or end, so worrying about if you have got there or not is probably pointless. Now that I am relaxing into it and taking it with small steps I am full of peace, and fortune is changing. What at first seems like bad fortune tends to show itself as just a catalyst I create to push myself into a better place.

I'm aware the statement "chop wood, carry water" had some personal implications to you that go deeper than the surface value of the statement, but for what ever reason I was instantly reminded of the interview above...

A good deal of people are miserable, first world culture was not designed to keep anybody happy, quite the contrary, it's designed to keep a person in constant want, it's inhuman and antithetical to human nature, as well as nature itself...

Yet, we do not need to be dependant on such systems, if we are willing to "chop wood, carry water", and are willing to work, we can free ourselves from the first world system and culture, we can build our own houses, grow our own food, and live in balance with mother earth...but only if we are willing to work for it ...and only if you can manage to square culture to leave you alone, which is incredibly difficult...

and only of we have transcended the hollow lure of materialism, over consumption and ego.

Sorry, I know this probably did not relate to your post very well...

-eg

Just gonna reiterate: Listen to this message!! Do not disobey plant medicines when they tell you not to come back. From personal experience.

Agreed.

-eg

If I go back too soon, I know Mother Ayahuasca would give me a serious hyperslapping, to make me NOT want to come back so soon again. And my spirit guides keep reminding me of this, whenever the desire arises. This desire shall pass.

Thanks for this thoughtful post, Jees.

My lessons have revolved around slowly removing the chains of my old limitations, so I can move and think more freely than I have allowed myself to. As my spirit guides remind me constantly, I cannot change overnight, no matter how hard I try. Deep, lasting change can take some time to sink in. I just have to ride the waves.

The experiences aren't meant to limit my thinking, but are an attempt to make me think about my life and my choices; I have more choices available than I currently believe. I just have to remove my subconscious blinkers, so I can see what I've been searching for, likely right in front of my eyes.

Thanks for this thought-provoking post, upwaysidedown.

No, this jives quite well with my desire to be closer to nature. Western culture, with all of its chains, frustrate me deeply, and I want, one day, to be free of them.

Last night and this morning, I underwent some more, rather painful, purging, related to self-acceptance of who I am and was and can be. The tiger spirit guided me throughout, constantly reminding me of my newfound Self-Love, that I am worth it, because it chose to become my spirit guide. As the pain was released from my Solar Plexus, the tiger focused on my Heart Chakra, strongly bending my awareness to the Self-Love pouring from it to sooth the pain.

My Solar Plexus and Heart Chakras are extremely vibrant and glowing right now. That's the feeling, anyway. A golden, lush green feeling. My Crown Chakra is also tingling again...

I always see miserable people, and most of these people seem to be scratching their heads wondering "why am I so unhappy?", most suffering is self inflicted, and by understanding attachment, desire and ego, this self inflicted suffering can be circumvented or fully diminished...the only difference between a half full and a half empty glass is your perspective...

Though we are also exposed to a culture which seeks to use us for its own means:

Culturally defined reality is some kind of intelligence test, and those that are joining are failing the test. -terence mckenna






Regardless, I hope you are able to find happiness and comfort in this existance, the above outlines a culture which seeks to exploit you on every level, however you don't have to participate in it, you can drop out of this madness mess of a culture and form your own culture, your own values. I hope you are able to reconnect with nature, and are able to find peace with yourself in the process.


-eg

Awesome thread. Only thing I have to add is; You can´t spell culture without cult.

Offtopic:

entheogenic-gnosis wrote:

...the only difference between a half full and a half empty glass is your perspective...

Why is it important to be half full or half empty at all and isn't it both and none? What is the difference and were does this difference happen? Every interpretation of what so ever is just a(n) (un)lucky shot which will be embedded in the story of myself and if it fits and charms, I feel happy, and if not, I feel pain (this is the door-opener for suffering). These mind-traps can distract my focus in the now and do not change anything in the amount of water which is in the glass.

Drifting like a jellyfish in the sea, controlled by the stream of the water (interpreted "external" events), unable to navigate.

Yes, culture, family, peer, ... they all put some conditioning on us and by giving myself in and excusing my behaviour because of these things means losing my focus in the now, my self-responsibilty, I am giving up control and sleep with open eyes.

tseuq

Thank you tseuq for adding your drop on the desert
No fast results to witness I presume, but this is they way it goes

The point was a simple shift in mental perspective can mean the difference between happiness and misery.

-eg