So... I had finished a reduction of my Aya brew, the Chacruna in another pot, halfway done. I poured the still hot brew in the large glass container I had also used for Dagger's incredibly efficient herbal percolation... and then, once most of the brew was in, the bottom cracked from the heat and the brew flooded everywhere... I cursed very loudly, because I barely had any of the Ayahuasca brew left.

In a childish outburst of irrational anger and utter frustration, enraged, I threw all of the remaining both brews down the sink, even as my spirit guides tried to calm me down, but I was too far gone in the lava of my emotions... the only time I really started to listen to what they were trying to say was when my tiger spirit bluntly said that I was being incredibly childish... that hit home, hard, and I fumed for a while, silently, as I realized that's exactly how I had acted...

After my spirit guides gradually calmed me down, I realized that I have a significant deal more unresolved anger and frustration buried within, than I had thought. It is all so fragilly kept in check, barely controlled under the surface... rather like the hot brew of my emotions barely contained within my house of glass of an ego, as a rather synchronistic analogy, perhaps. Perhaps that's why I struggle to think clearly and sometimes really struggle to hear my thoughts even in dead quietness... I've bottled these emotions up for far too long, and so, the wrong triggers cause me to explode when my meager willpower is overwhelmed. And I can think of a number of triggers off the top of my head... religion, namely, Christianity, being one of the worst.

I try to be calm and thoughtful, but that's the mask that I present to world, isn't it? Hence, my Shadow is bitter, furious, frustrated, unchecked anger without any reason whatsoever. And only now have I realized how deep it goes. I can't look at that part of me for too long without drowning in it.

A bit later after that, my spirit guides told me that I could have still saved the situation by doing another percolation with another container... and that I still can, by carefully brewing both again in a short time, paying attention to what I've learned from this experience.

But, I think I'll try it again next weekend... as I don't have enough water, now. I might have had, if I hadn't thrown out the Chacruna brew.

Oh well, I live and learn... and my emotional outburst has now resulted in an awful headache.

As for my unresolved emotions... well, seeing a properly certified hypnotist, followed by an Ayahuasca ceremony once I get home, might help a lot in that area.

we are here: yours poorly certified 'craaazy' hypnotist (...at yours' service)

warning: only click to hypnotize

Perhaps you should throw away your container. Not your aya container, your anger container. Bottling up a volatile emotion like that will only cause an eruption later down the line. It's best to not bottle it, let it pass you.

Thanks for the suggestion, Interzam.

They don't care whether I do or don't. It's my choice, they say. I do have much deeper, private conversations with them that I wouldn't share with anyone, but these kind of topics, I'm not so concerned about. I'll leave the former up to your imagination, lol.

And well... I don't know how well your red text hypnosis worked, but who knows, lol.

This anger was bottled up over a long six month ordeal I couldn't escape from easily. I didn't seem to have a choice but to bottle it up, because my arsehole of a flatmate had anger issues of his own, and so me reacting as angrily as I would have wanted to would have caused a very nasty chain reaction.

It was only when I was really at my limit that something was done about it, unfortunately. Psilocybin helped give me enough strength to move forward, and additionally break my Cannabis addiction, thankfully.

The anger is dense and deep, and I can only safely release it in fragments, like I did a little earlier. With the help of my spirit guides, I brought up some of my anger, and let it go. It was a very exhausting ordeal, though. I do feel mildly lighter, though, mentally.

aaawww - you quoted the whole red inter-zam thinnng ....good that we did see this coming and didn't insert the 1.2.3. deeeper and deeeper thing ...

lol, I felt that the spoiler tags were somehow redundant. XD

i appreciate this posting Valmar doing what you did is fine, even great!

explicating the situation and talking about it, letting thought progress be made and branching off towards your resentment(s) is a wonderful thing, peeling back that onion and applying that newfound knowledge towards the future makes for a success. too bad about the brew though, never cry about spilled aye? never heard that before

It's better to express than to repress, but I'm working on it, because that's all I can do.


Self-exploration is what I love. The insights and inspiration always give me a boost in determination when I need it.
And yeah, the spilling of the brew I accept as part of the process, because I learned something important. The cracking and brew spilling was an excellently synchronistic metaphor for my then-current state of mind. I can make an even better brew next time, anyways.

This is why spirit guides can be so beautiful: in my significant times of need, they're ready to dish out the lessons.