Hey guys. Nice forum here

So I was thinking and thinking and decided to write down my story sincerely, without making up . I am afraid that I am in this forum not only because of curiosity, but because of stumble aswell. So my story may be slightly on the negative side, but I assure you, I am not negative person. Who knows, maybe there will be a person who will read my story and give and genius solution to my problem.

So, my experience with psychoactives began when I was 14 years old or so. It was, of course, good ol' pot. Back then, I didn't even really considered if I like it or not, it just seemed cool, you know (adolesence...)(though I really like it now). Since I was 15 years old, I was growing it in the great outdoors, battling with rough northern climate and indoors, in the artificial gardens. My life was quite good at that time, I was always kind of mocked as a child, mostly because I was a little bit weird and lacked the ability to strike back. So, I finally felt confident and uplifted. Just as most people who does what they love to do. I started exploring psychoactives on the web, and psychedelics really sucked me in. I had no idea on how I could get some shrooms or lsd at that time, so I was reading and reading about them on the internet. Found out about erowid, and things like that.

When I was 16, I downloaded myself some Mimosa Hostilis bark. Odd or not, that was when my problems and blessings started. I did not try it when I was 16, though I was really close. I've collected everything to extract it, only thing I lacked was pH papers. The problem was, one package of it arrived, and another one, that was shredded, got caught by the cops. Another problem, cops being our heavenly protectors, wrote that there's a pound of pure psychoactive substance, DMT. Gosh, I was kind of an examplary child, good at school, not perfect, but... And now I was accused of smuggling a pound of DMT (it was a pound of shredded Mimosa Hostilis root bark, not pure spice of course, but it did not interfere with the police to fake the order)... That night was crazy. Cops found ounce of pot in my place, like everything would not be enough. Since I was not taken to jail, I spent that night deconstructing my remote secret grow room. Oh, and I did not mention, that incident really shocked me. So a pound of whole MHRB, that did arrive, and was hidden somewhere else, so cops did not find it, was hidden in the forest, just in case. I was not thinking about extractions anymore, for that time. And, sadly enough, someone did find it (I still wonder if a person that took it knew what did he find).

2 years later I was hittin' it once again. I was nearly as happy as I was before the incident, I was growing, I was enjoying, I was meeting people, I had my crew (close group of friends, just in case, I am not criminalish kind of guy, I am more of a neo-hippie ). And so we are closing to the bigger event. I was in last grade, at school. That year, for some kind of reasons, I was smoking really much (of pot, not spice). But, in other hand, I was feeling really good with everything. And as we are getting closer and closer, it's becoming really hard to write, as things from here are really complicated, so I guess I'll tell it in raw facts. It was year 2012, and as I said, I was in last grade. It was winter. Really cold one and really beautiful one. 3 weeks prior to winter vaccation, I've stumbled upon an 10 or so grams of shredded MHRB in my garage. I've remembered, I shredded it when I was preparing for extraction 2 years ago. I was quite suspicious with it, since what happened when it first came into my life, but I've decided to try it. I've downloaded 5gms of syrian rue seeds, it came just few days before the holidays, the time I decided to try it. My parents wasn't home, for few weeks, it was perfect time to do it, wasn't it... I was already slightly gone at that time, mainly because I was smoking few joints a day (but considerably normal). So, the first weekend of holiday season. It's -20C outside, and I am in my garage, brewin' some mimohuasca. I have to tell something here, it is weird that I was doing it alone, because usually I do such trials with some close buddy. So I brewed it, 7g of Mimosa Hostilis root bark and 3g of Syrian Rue. Parachuted 1g of it. Smoked a big joint before, and guys I'll tell you, I did not feel nervous, I actually felt extremly excited doing it. Then, I drank it (I know, the taste...mmm, delicious). I've decided to go to the forest, together with my dog. I've remembered reading that it shall start in 30 minutes or so, good. What can I add here, don't try it at home folks, literally

Now if you guys want to hear something about actual trip, I'll have to dissapoint you, I don't remember most of it. Oh yes, it was first time I've tried psychedelics. Only thing I've used before was weed. I was hallucinating, I was vomiting, I was wallowing on the ground. Visions were so intense, nothing in life is so intense as DMT is. I was not prepared, if only I knew things I know now, such as preparations, set and setting, etcetera. Though I can remember two beings (entities?) I've contacted. Most of the time I've felt some kind of presence, as if little children were in the "room" next to me and were observing everything with me. Sometimes I'd hear them laughing with extremely cheerful laughter. They really helped me survive the trip I have to say. So, one of them (beings) were some really, really strange looking, I have to say, bugs. I felt as I were watching at them through some kind of gel-like wall, and the thought that came to my mind was "spirit suckers". There was objects in my vision, such as table, chair, fork, computer, in random angles, suspended in space. They (bugs) were really weird color, rust I think and such weird form that I couldn't recall it. Weird thing was, I felt as they were letting me through, though I did not understand, where?

The incredible thing was after it. I've started seeing people's auras, I had the ability to tap into their energy fields. Everything seemed as in a colourful book, a fairy-tale, every day a new page to write. My life seemed finally full, a full circle. I felt as if I had this white ball of pure energy inside me, emanating incredible religious feeling. This feeling lasted a month, though it felt as I was there for eternal moment.

However, this feeling slowly evaporated. I felt as if I was crippled. With it came the negative things, that I feel I have to post aswell. I believe, I've got consumed by my ego? Because for the last 3 years, I felt very depressed, living empty life. I've tried to study, I failed, because my memory, focus and motivation became impaired. At worst times I'd feel as I am here only to wait till I'll go to grave. I've tried some MDMA, and little bit of shrooms before that time. I could easily get my hands on DMT once again, but I feel like I am not prepared for it at all, and it would be a waste to use it now. Yes guys I feel like I lost a soul of mine, that knows the path, that knows where the keys from the door lies, and I am now a zombie walking around and making sounds. Or a ghost. I feel like for past 3 years I've stayed in one place. I was secretly watching all of my friends move forward, living nice today's modern human lives. and all the time I felt as if I was rooted to the ground. I secretly envied them a little bit, I must agree. Sometimes thoghts starts racing inside my head, on how things could have acted out completly differently, and I would have moved "forward into the light", instead of falling down and hitting the ground.

If you red it this far, thank you . I was kind of hibernating for last 3 years, and now I feel like I have to move forward Any thought you have, I will think over seriously. If something is wrong in my writing, please tell me aswell. I feel I've helped myself even by telling the story, because I've never told any of this to anyone. I am seriously thinking though of seeing a psychotherapist, since he is the person who is expert at our inner selves. I would love to see a shaman much more, though I am way too short on money for it, at least right now...

Something more about me. I really love psychedelic rock, though listen to all kinds of good music, including psytrance, house, classical music, etcetera. I love "Evolutionary mind" by R.S., T.M. and, R.A., I did see "DMT: The Spirit Molecule", though did not read the books, yet at least. I am more than happy being here, I love discussing things, especially what includes psychoactives

Best regards, guys
Stay happy

I think a real shaman would be much better suited than a therapist of any kind. You are here and asking questions and wanting to move forward. Usually that is a good sign. If you seek it out and put a little energy into it you might just find a good one sympathetic to you. I don't know everything about it but I do have experience with energy work with shamans and I think the primary purpose of a shaman is to heal others and help the world so money may not be as big an issue as it seems.

Also welcome from a fellow new-member.

Hey openglcg. Thanks for the reply yeah, I am really tired with my life I am living right now. I want to get involved with life much more. I am tired of living inside my head. Life is both reality and fantasy, and I've been in the second one way too much.

I totally get what you mean. Like where would I be now if I hadnt done it the last time.
I hope you find the path again soon

Hey desterrado, thanks for the reply!

I keep having the feeling that my path is one tiny little step away, and yet I can't grasp it. I will possibly have to visit the hyperspace to sort it out. With clear intentions this time though. Or at least, that will wake me the heck up and I'll be running around like psychopath in the fields of magic once again

Hi Tommi, welcome.

Three things come to mind when I read your story.

1) Have you read the works of Barbara Ann Brennan? She basically wrote the definitive textbooks on the human energetic field. She has a background in astrophysics, has seen the HEF all her life, and eventually left astrophysics (NASA) to write and depict her visions of the layers of the aura and the chakra, their dynamics, and the ins and outs of being a healer. Perhaps, when you were gifted with this light in your being, and the perception of auras, that it was a doorway, an opportunity to enter the world of energetic healing. There are many "healers" out there, but few who can actually perceive the human energy field. Perhaps your abilities disappeared because you did not (and perhaps could not) root your abilities in the world around you through active practice on other people and study.

Barbara Brennan's books: http://www.amazon.com/Ha...of+light+barbara+brennan
and
http://www.amazon.com/Li...s=light+emerging+barbara

2) DMT and tryptamine-based psychedelics are indeed divine and portals to divine knowledge, but can often be ungrounding. (What else is new, right?) What connects us to the heavens may take our feet off the Earth. Just remember that while DMT and analogues are divine, divinity is only part of the Human truth. We are also base beings, with connections to the underworld. Kappa-opioid agonists like Salvia and Iboga do well to connect us to Earthly roots, or, the lower three chakras. Also, eating animal protein grounds you and is a good antidote to getting lost in the tryptamine light.

3) Have you tried Iboga? This plant, in my experience, brings your soul, your mind, your attention to Earth, and Reality. It can also give you life direction so that you are not overwhelmed and confused with the power that tryptamines can bring.

Reality is illusion-like, but it is also very real. It is both--a paradox.

Thank you for the replay RhythmSpring

I am on my way reading it. I am really into astrophysics and terraforming aswell . It is definetly like that, I was not really learning it or something, it was just there. And then I got lost, fell to the abyss kind of. One may pray to Jesus at that point, and I did some prayers, but I was still finding this experience interesting aswell. The tunnel of my hyperreality ended and spewed me to the ground, so to say. And I was not even actually moving through the ordinary reality after that. I was confused so much. But now I do, and it can only lead to one thing however this time I am prepared, much smarter and ready to start the diggin', expanding and getting one with the Sun, Earth and Milky Way .

I was thinking about Iboga like a maniac for some time. Judging it from the information available on the external world, in a perfect world it should be a 2nd level altered state in a psychedelic gateway, after cannabis and before mushrooms If I could get my hand on it, I'll definetly try it. ASAP