Hello. Greetings of peace and love to everyone here. I'm Hingyap, I'm in my early 30's and new to the world of psychedelics. Please bear with me as I fumble for words as English is not my first language.

My interest in Psychedelics, particularly DMT, started two years ago when I met a fellow anxiety-and-depression support group member who has tried DMT. He shared to me how it changed his life and greatly alleviated his anxiety and depression. Since then, I've been doing my research on entheogens, focusing on its potential as an alternative treatment for mental illness.

I have been suffering from Major Depressive Disorder since I was 16. Two years ago, I was also diagnosed with Bipolar II. It has been a very long and arduous battle and I see no hope in sight.

In those 15 years of struggle, I can never remember a year or a period of 6 months that I didn't have a major depressive episode. I've had two suicide attempts, been confined in four mental hospitals, been prescribed different combinations of medications, and had Electroconvulsive Therapy done on me when I was around 20 years old.

Three weeks ago, I had my first LSD trip. I was aware of the risk I took as I am still on medication (lamotrigine, escitalopram, clonazepam); I had only tapered down for one week before the said trip. It was a sublime experience, one of the best experiences of my life. It is, however, on a low dose of 300 micrograms and it's probably the reason I only reached level 3. Not to mention my long history of being on psychiatric medication. Moreover, I was on a depressive state during the time that when it came to the come-down part, around the 5th hour, I felt the current-mood-enhancement effect. The trip wasn't exactly life-changing but I place it up there in my top 3 best experiences of my life. Having said that, I still badly want, albeit not without anxiety, to experience level 4 or 5. I wish for ego death. I wish for rebirth.

And so just last week, I tried smoked DMT changa (no MAOI!). No effects. Only very very mild visuals that faded quickly. My friend smoked from the same batch; he said he had a breakthrough, but no ego death. His conclusion is that it was weaker than expected. As to why I didn't experience any effects, I chalk it up to my 15-years of taking tricyclic antidepressants and ssri's, and in the last two years, mood stabilizer and clonazepam. I was sad and frustrated but still hopeful that the next time I try DMT again, I'll experience what normal people experience.

My dilemma right now is that my current psychiatric medication is not working. I feel that the ssri's and mood stabilizers are of no help anymore. My doctor had started me on Aripripazole, an anti-psychotic, but I've decided to discontinue it because anti-psychotics, based on what I've read, cancel out the effects of psychedelics. Now I'm stuck between giving the anti-psychotics a chance or going the psychedelics path. I would like to know your thoughts on this. I do not know what to do. I do not want to deny myself of the full experience of psychedelics, particularly DMT. At the same time, the atypical anti-psychotics that my doctor has prescribed me might ('might' being the operative word) help somehow. And what complicates the situation more is that it's quite hard to obtain psychedelics here in my country. I probably have to wait 6 months before the source contacts me again.

I'm not counting on it to change my life or cure my illness, but the truth is psychedelics is what's giving me hope right now. I am still on a depressive state at the moment, unable to work, but the thought of my next psychedelic experience is what's keeping me from being suicidal again.

Welcome to the Nexus, hingyap.

Lamotrigine, Aripiprazole and Escitalopram sounds good:

http://link.springer.com...0.1007/s11064-007-9289-x

Ever thought about taking Ketamine? It seems to be highly effective against MDD and is a psychedelic as well. The upside of K is it's legal status and you might even get it from your doctor off-label:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/25010396
http://moscow.sci-hub.bz...%40s0033291714001603.pdf

Medical advice on the Nexus is always a double edged sword, especially with mental illnesses.

Hi Hingyap. Your problem with your medication isn't uncommon. Ive been through the whole rigamarole myself. Your brain becomes accustomed to the ssris and mood stabilizers and essentially builds up a tolerance, and so your doctor will continue raising the dose to it's maximum and then piling up more drugs on top of it to fix the problem; instead of admitting that they just don't work. Eventually you will be this overmedicated zombie who gets no pleasure or pain out of life at all, you just exist, you do what you have to do, and are an essentially "functional human being." that is til the tolerance builds again. Believe me I've been through it all, for many years and many different brand names. It took me being prescribed four different medications at one time, yet still not really feeling any better to finally say "this is BS."

Have you tried marijuana? I know different things work with different people, but I can honestly say marijuana has helped me tremendously. I dont have quite the same mental illness as you; mine is called borderline personality disorder; but it shares some of the same symptoms, namely depression, suicidal tendencies and self harm. When I regularly smoke marijuana (and it doesn't even have to be a lot either) the mere concept of harming myself seems silly. I can't even bring myself to even try. I'm not going to say it's cured me at all, however for the first time in a while I find myself able to get pleasure out of life, I can feel relaxed, and I can laugh and have conversations with people without a nasty voice in my head telling me things to make me doubt everything I say and do.

I'm not a doctor so I'm not going to say I know best, but back in the early 20th century, marijuana was considered one of the greatest medicines available for a number of conditions, major depression being one of them. According to http://www.druglibrary.o...ary/studies/cu/cu54.html ;"Many eminent British and American physicians recommended marijuana as an effective therapeutic agent. Dr. J. Russell Reynolds, Fellow of the Royal Society and Physician in Ordinary to Her Majesty's (Queen Victoria's) Household, reported in Lancet in 1890, for example, that he had been prescribing cannabis for thirty years and that he considered it 'one of the most valuable medicines we possess' 20 Sir William Osler, professor of medicine at the Johns Hopkins and later Regius Professor of Medicine at the University of Oxford, stated in his 1898 discussion of migraine headaches that marijuana 'is probably the most satisfactory remedy' for that distressing condition. * 28 Many countries today are slowly revisiting cannabis as a potential drug for therapeutic use including for psychiatric treatment. So, if haven't yet, you could give it a try. Although I really don't reccomend quitting the drugs you are already prescribed cold Turkey; you could really endanger yourself doing that. I did that so i could start smoking cannabis again, and I didnt get any adverse effects but there is no guarantee that your case will be the same. What I did was stupid, I admit it.
What you should do (only of you plan to stop taking them, if not disregard) is gradually decrease your dose over about a month long period. so you could talk to your doctor about your concern with these medications if you no longer wish to take them and he/she could give you a plan to follow for coming off of them. I suppose of you still wish to be taking pharmaceuticals, but the current meds just aren't helping, you could try asking your doctor to put you on a different combination, insead of just prescribing more on top of the ones you are already on. I did that for most of my young adult life but Each time with the same end result; this isn't working. But like I said, I have a different condition than you and mine is particularly resistant to pharmaceuticals, so you could very well just be on the wrong ones.

Psychedelics are also a big help I think, so you have definitely come to the right place. In the past;1940s-1960s before these things were made illegal; lsd and psilocybin were of high interest to psychiatrists in the treatment of mental illness I would suggest, as pretty much every one here would as well; you grow your own plants instead of waiting for a "source" and there are numerous resources (seriously, there are so many resources here for just about any entheogen) for extracting your own dmt. Its certainly not an overnight cure-all, but each new psychedelic experience will help you piece together this endless puzzle that is life. Anyway sorry for the wall of text. Its nice to meet another person with a mental illness who is using entheogen as an alternative.

dmt and mushrooms are a natural thing. I use dmt and mushrooms about every 6 months ish, as a kinda antidepressant/ reset button if you will. When things start to get dull/less colorful and my mind speeds up and starts drifting on bad things, then that means its time. if done too frequently i get too disconnected or i may read into things too much. Each person has a Balance, and I'm sure its different for everyone. Doing good things for people out of kindness also builds good mojo and confidence for the next time i go. Psychedelics are not a cure all for me, but are a very good tool and medicine. Its the only medicine i take and its all i need. I hope this helps. Good luck!