I was taking MDMA when I was 16 and a senior in high school with my already graduated friends. I had a few good MDMA expereinces, but then they started turning very dark. I had 3 back to back dark MDMA trips one after the other. I kept taking it each weekend hoping it was just a fluke, but...something was going on inside of me.
My friend even consulted me prior to my last MDMA trip asking me, "Hey man...I heard last time, everyone said you were tripping the hell out. Are you sure your going to be ok doing this again?"
I ignorantly said "yeah man, I'll be ok".
I ended up taking the pill and it happened again. Madness ensued and I was ruining everyones good time. I ended up taking more MDMA that night two more times to try and force the roll to kick in, but it never did. I just became more and more paranoid and freaked out majorly.
I ended up leaving the party because I was ruining it for everyone. I had really pissed off a lot of people by me freaking out the entire night. I tried driving home but ended up at a random persons house at 3 am. I thought this is where I was supposed to be, and i tried breaking into this man's house. I was lucky I was not shot dead on site. He was a young 20 something year old christian man in college. I ended up walking around his back yard from 3am till 6am babbling on about random stuff about how I was a sinner and needed to die. He tried his best to help me but I was so gone.
I ended up driving home after I sobered up. The man followed me home and took down my phone number. A few days later, my house received a random phone call from this man, and he informed my step father that I had been taking drugs and everything that had happened. He sat me down, and angrily asked me what the hell was going on with my mother. I ended up crying and spilled the beans. He told me he lost a lot of respect for me and that I had better get my act together and it would take a long time for him to regain his respect.
A couple days forward...its monday morning and I am at school in Gym class. Things appear to be going normal...or are they?
All of a sudden I feel a shift in my perspective. What is going on? I feel paranoid again. I feel like Im tripping out again. And then it happens...I look around and everything seems dark. I feel like I've entered the trip again except I'm sober. I stop talking to everyone, I avoid people for the next 6 years. I even avoid friends and family. I'm scared to death. I start thinking crazy thoughts all the time. It lasted for 6 years. My parents are mad that its taking me 6 years to get an associates degree in anything. I can barely goto school and hold it together. They think I am being over dramatic.
No one seems to understand me and what is going on. They just tell me to goto the Dr. and take anti depressants and anti anxieties. Nothing works...I search far and wide for why I lost my mind. I end up not being able to feel any sort of joy, pleasure, or much of anything but despair for the next 6 years.
I finally meet my 1st GF ever. She is different from the other women. She does not seem judgemental like most women. She is not from America. We date for a long time, and then notices there is something wrong with me. She asks me why I can't follow conversation very well. I explain the whole deal. She suggests I go see someone for professional help.
Anyway, I've slowly overcome my fears, but the scars remain. I am able to work a professional job now, but the traumatic experience left me with years of avoiding people. I am not the same person I would have been had I not taken that horrible drug. I used to be so funny, spontaneous, outgoing, and witty. Now I am Lame, have not much to say, socially awkward x100. I flourished on socialization.
I can go out sometimes...the hardest thing for me is 1 on 1 interaction and going to parties. I get really stressed out going to places like Bars, and clubs. That is one of the most stressful situations for me. I am just wondering if Ayahuasca can somehow heal these old scars?
I am reminded EVERYDAY by my mind and each interaction of the past. I cant let go of the past, because...it follows me into every interaction I have on a daily basis. I workout all the time, I eat very healthy, I try meditation. Nothing seems to help, the scars are so deep. It felt like I did not have a soul. I felt like an empty shell. Even my GF now remembers first meeting me and said I was pretty weird and that at times she felt like my soul would just leave my body mid conversation. What made it worse, NO one understood me, or even took me seriously.
I mean...how many people in regular life can relate to having a complete mental breakdown for 6 years and loose all connection with spirit/soul. My father would just get a glazed look in his eyes everytime I tried mentioning it. I just knew it was beyond anything normal people could understand or even begin to try to help me with. It took a special person to help me, and that is my wonderful Girlfriend who was the only one who recognized and wanted to know what the heck was wrong with me. She met me towards the end of the 6 years. I STILL feel on a daily basis how this has affected me.
Integrating back into society has been the hardest things I've ever done. I just want to know what the hell happened to me...does Ayahuasca TRUELY have the power to show me? I wonder...