i want to warn this story is very serious and lengthy.

The following is one of the most personal stories i will ever share with anyone. it's just as personal than an ayahusca trip, love, and death. this is as vivid a memoir to my experience with a random period of psychosis. i will try to make this as detailed as i can. in some cases i prefer to hold back when explaining my thoughts because my brain can overwhelm people... but i cannot give this justice by simply holding back. so get some popcorn or whatever you like and relax; the story might take some time.

to give background information; this story really began when i was going to a college convention at another school. this school was in a town called cuba; i will not get into anymore detail. this was during the time i had first began using LSA. LSA had changed my perspective on life and made me more friendlier and outgoing. it really broke down a ton of barriers.

but that's not what this story is about. it's not about a life changing experience with a psychedelic. most of all this story is about friendship and more specifically loosing a friendship. i'm getting ahead of myself... but this story began when i met a friend at this convention. out of nowhere i noticed they had a grr backpack and really cool boots. i tapped them on the shoulder and was like "yo have a really amazing backpack" i think i weirded them out a little? regardless i said "sorry i'm awkward" and moved on. eventually after a while i saw them again and was like "hey i know you!" and waved my arms like a weirdo for no reason. then the girl said "i'm stalking you" and so we walked together.

i noticed that she was having a serious problem in the loud, noisey, school. i noticed that she was skittish. what was remarkable was that the way she acted was familiar to how i behaved previously from my ordeals with (what i assume was) PTSD. it was like she was always "on guard" and tensed up.

so we basically were good friends from the beginning. eventually she asked if we'd see each other again and i wrote my facebook page on her arm and she wrote her number on my arm. we ended up sitting at some tables and talked a little. i remember hearing her say "i'm more of a listener" and i think that was when i began to love her. even though i was in the recovery phase of PTSD i was still desperate for someone... anyone... to hear my story about my past experience with a four year daily ordeal of being sunjected to mental, emotional, and psychological abuse. the person basically made my life a living hell at any cost; eventually leading to my mother attempting suicide. i was the one to run out in the middle of the night to stop her; which lead to one of the most emotionally traumatizing conversations about how "life goes on" i have ever had. because what my mother meant was "life goes on with out me". eventually this lead to me moving to missouri; where i met the friend i am describing now.

i soon got to know this person from talking to them. they eventually made me start using skype. this lead to meeting more friends who i still know today. eventually we got into a conversation about how no one likes her and i told her "i like you" and we eventually became boy friend an girl friend. this didn't last. i remember that the last memory of being in relationship i had with her was the most safe feeling i ever experienced while she slept in my arms.

soon they said "i'd like to be a stray kitty for now on... if that's okay?" and it broke my heart... the next time i visited her house i remember another thing that sticks out. we were just talking and i said "what if i was 12" and she said "that would be awkward" and then i asked why. her step brother said "because she has feelings for you" and it completely tore me apart. i would hold onto worry about those words and overemphasizing those few, little, tiny, words for years. simply; it got to me.

i remember her entire house in complete detail. i remember almost every conversation we had. i remember helping her bury one of her pets. i remember taking in one of her dogs that her dad was going to shoot. i remember every memory we shared together and i will never forget that.

i remember breaking down and crying the hardest i've ever cried when she locked herself in her room with a knife. i remember pleading with her to come out. i remember sitting by the door; breaking down in tears while her step brother tried to comfort me. i remember pushing him away because i couldn't deal with anything at the time. i remember so much time...

i remember things she said; little things. i remember kissing the cuts on her wrist... i remember her voice and how i thought it was beautiful. i remember literally eating her homework and then she freaked out and was like "hey that's my homework!" i remember the lighting in her house everytime i visited. i remember the flypaper in her house and trying to eat the flies. i remember taking cake and smashing it all over my face and taking pictures and eating the ice cream cake off my head.

i will never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever forget this person. i will never forget how this person made me feel. how they didn't know how much i related to them and looked up to them. i will never forget their name... i will never forget touching their electric fence and getting zapped on purpose for laughs and screaming like a little girl after getting zapped...

but for some reason... i did forget for one moment to keep our relationship as friends. i asked her one day "would you like to go on a test date?" and she didn't know; we were kinda more like brother and sister. but she agreed to trying it out.

this was the beginning of the end so to speak. the first couple of days went by with good memories. everything seemed fine. at one point i tried kissing her several times; but i realized later that i was triggering her PTSD.

i believe this... was when i was going through psychosis. this was the point where i stopped being able to decipher reality from fantasy. i remember some of the psychosis was profound and emotional; not just "crazy". i had the idea that i could time travel. i had the idea that my friend was going to commit suicide and that i had to run after her (which i literally did, but the thing was i ended up going outside and running off somewhere trying to catch up to her. she wasn't there though; she was actually in her room i think).

i remember a kid she had introduced me too saw me and i started walking with him. i remember at this point that i believed people could hear my thoughts or at least just be around me and "know" what is on the inside. the person started saying "we have to take you from the front and put you in the back" or something. i remember him saying "we really care about you" but beyond that i can't seem to recall our conversation...

i assumed that this had to do with time travel; that there was a person traveling in time for every second within the minute and the "solution" to saving my friend from commiting suicide was to time travel at the very last second.

later; when we were sleeping; she was in her room and i was with her step brother: i had these delerious thoughts. they were about her commiting suicide and i thought she was having conversations with me telepathically.

i remember walking down the steps thinking "i have to save her at the last second" and i assumed she was in the house somewhere trying to kill herself. i would then knock on the door i thought she was living in and ask her "a... am... am i... c..crazy?" because before this i had never encountered psychosis. and it was truely scary... what i was going through... it felt like i was literally going crazy... and like there was no way out of these thought loops... it felt like i would be like this forever...

i tried opening the door; found that her dog was in the room and thought that she had turned into a dog. then i went into her parents room; they weren't home. eventually she and her step brother got up and noticed my strange behavior. they told me to leave. this made me kinda go deeper into psychosis... because the thing i needed the most was her... just to talk to her... tell her that i was going crazy...

so they tell me to leave and i end up stripping naked in their front yard and throwing my suitcase in the air. i remember deciding that i would just walk home alone... but eventually her dad came; told me to get into his car so he could drive me there. no one realized i was going through psychosis and it only angered him when i flipped him off (for no reason at all btw; i wasn't angry at him at all).

eventually the cops showed up and they handcuffed me and took me to my dads. my dad drove me home and i remember slapping him in the face and laughing at him; thinking all of this was just a big joke; like a big dream that i would wake up from..... and that's the saddest part...

then as i returned home i delved deeper and deeper into the psychosis. i changed my skype name to "please just go to sleep" and spammed her with hundreds of messages that didn't make one single bit of sense at all; i even can't reread them because i facepalm and say "god i'm SO STUPID! WHY DID I DO THAT?! WHY DID I COST EVERYTHING THAT WAS IMPORTANT TO ME! I HATE MYSELF!".

so i eventually started having mental breakdowns ontop of the psychosis. i would lay on the couche uncontroleably crying and crying and screaming and crying and screaming more. my dad thought that they had drugged me; he assumed this type of behavior was just because i was having a bad reaction to whatever drugs they gave me (which they didn't give me any drugs or drug me).

soon the psychosis lead into something that scared alot of people. it's something you probably don't think is a big deal when you hear it... but i soon delved into a deep and consistent state of true apathy. and no... i'm not talking about mild apathy... i'm not talking about moderate apathy... i'm talking about full blown "empty husk; you should just go and kill yourself" apathy. a complete numbness.... no... a complete nothingness.

i would barely respond to anything. it was as if i had seen a ghost or witnessed someone being horrendously tourtured to an extent that wouldn't be acceptable by the nazis... it was like i was "there" but somewhere else.

i remember some of the profound thoughts of psychosis related apathy. i remember a sort of paradigm or maybe analogy over life i had. it was about "God" and the world. i sort of "met" God like one would on a DMT trip but this was more like meeting him through my thoughts. i imagined a world were only me and the girl i fell in love with living together alone in a world of nature... i imagined i wouldn't mind it.

but i soon developed a theory. my theory was that "God" started off as a manic depressive individual; who not only had serious psychological problems but also a rough set of challanges. in this theory life started off with only ten people who were suicidal. the first one; being "God" had to plan it so that he could save the other nine from killing themselves. to "God" simply letting one person die was not the option. he calculated it so that he had to do things "Just right" to save everyone. He would have to in the end sacrafice himself.

but there was something i experienced... it was a moment where i became this manifestation of "God" except in this scenario God's plan to save the other nine had failed and he was all alone in the world. this was.... so profound... i felt his lonliness... i felt his need to search for people that aren't there... and for a while... i legitimately thought i was him. i sometiems think... that was my experience with identity dissasociative disorder...

because soon i realized i had to "split" my mind into multiple individuals so that the "God" i was manifesting wouldn't be lonely. these were essentially versions of myself but split into ten different personalities. during this tiem i remember watching a youtube video and i think i saw something that saiud "miracles happen" and i'm still waiting on my miracle......

you know... i almost cry when i remember my neice and nephew picking up on the apathy quicker than other people... how they could "tell" something was wrong with me...

and i remember this other moment when i went to glad rags and i remember walking into the store with that same amount of apathy and feeling utterly lost... and how what seemed to be the owner made eye contact with me and how his smile was so genuine... that it made me smile...

i remember that time of apathy and psychosis... i will never forget it. it cost me my best friend... it made my sister cry... and it worried everyone... it led to thoughts of suicide and letters of suicide... it led to being hospitalized... it took everything from me.

oftenly people don't know... how it is to go crazy... what it's like... how you are a person on the inside... and how that person is trying to scratch its way out of the apathy...

i don't know what i learned from all this... i hear people say "loosing friends is a part of life and growing up"... but still to this day... i am ashamed of going through psychosis... i am ashamed only because in the end it put the most distance between me and the person i loved... i am ashamed because in the end i lost the thing that was most valuable to me in my life...

i don't know why i write this. i don't do it to reach out... i don't do it to vent... i guess... i wanted to write this to let anyone who thinks they are going crazy at times... to understand that they aren't just "crazy"... that there is a real person inside... even if their behavior doesn't make sense....

idk. i guess i just wanted someone out there to know that it's okay to have mental problems. and that it doesn't make you weak...

i don't know why i write this... maybe it helps... maybe not... but for some reason i was compelled to do so... i was compelled to share my heart out to this community... thank you for listening...

Thank-you for sharing that JSK, your words speak a language of depth and truth that reflect their own subject matter. It's as if through reading that, I am thrust into your world for a spell.
I can relate to the mental partitioning part, it appears one of the best options when faced with difficulty. But remember every aspect of your being is as deserving of your love and forgiveness as the people around you that you hold dear, be them with you or not.
Stay strong brother.

thank you very much sphorange; that means alot to me. mostly i just thought about it and had to write it. i had to let someone out there know that they aren't "crazy" and that they are just a person inside...

i remember when i was hospitilized there was a lady who kept yelling out words like "who am i!!!" or "why am i here?!!!" or "i'm going to die!" and sometimes just words that didn't make sense. i remember randomly walking into her room and seeing her crying alone and i just sat there with her to make her feel okay. the nurse then told me that i couldn't be here; that she was violent. but i knew she needed someone... violent or not!

idk... i guess i just needed to say this. in some way... i hope that the people invovled read this one day and understand why i acted that way....

i really can't read the messages i sent her though... they really really really sound bizzare even for me! and i'm like the most bizzarre person you'll ever know...

i do hope for the future though... that i can one day be friends with them again... either that or i just simply hope that they have a good life and that they take care of themselves...

so i do want to explain some things that i didn't clarify on. throughout this period of psychosis and apathy there was a definite theme of bipolar manic depression; the highs and the lows. the psychosis phase only lasted for a few weeks i think. but after that there was just mania, depression, and overencumbering apathy.

when i would be manic i would have these spiritual, enlightening, intense emotional experiences. these experiences were like the whole "meeting God through my thoughts" thing. i remember one moment when i stood outside and the wind seemed to blow around me and seemed to communicate something to me. it felt like spirits were contacting me and trying to make me feel better. and i remember crying to the wind. i remember a few moments where i hallucinated wires with electricit fighting this small electric dragon; they reminded me of spirits in a way.

i would describe the manic phase as being the most spiritual, emotional, posative, abeit most delusional to reality phase of the four phases of what i consider a complex and gradual mental breakdown.
eventually the mania turned into anxiety; or at least anxiety formed eventually. this type of anxiety was anxiety over being inside the house; maybe closterphobic. and anxiety over being in my skin.

then came the depression and apathy. during this time i'd still have detachment from reality and i would be more down than up and i would rarely respond at all. this phase was the phase i was most quiet and the phase hardest to read my emotions.

the escapism i traveled through and the people around me trying to help is best described by this song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJy27gvN0fk

even now i still don't fully comprehend what i went through entirely. all i know was that this whole ordeal was extremely difficult and challanging and confusing. it did allow me to realize that i am bipolar more than i am ASD and ADHD. and i guess that's the good that came from it; a crystal clear self diagnoses with definite symptoms of manic depression.

i want people who have manic depression to know that they aren't "wrong" and that they are perfect the way they are. never let anyone tell you that your emotions; whether it be anger, sadness, depression, self hatred, delusion, paranoia, forgetfulness, or anything else is wrong. they may not be perfect emotions but they belong to the person going through them and you have to have some respect for that...

i hope this reaches out to someone man. i really do.

and i want people to know; this whole experience was made negative because guess what? i never spoke up about what i was going through and no one ever asked. i think this is one of the first times talking about it in this much depth.

thank you for being my support group guys. i've been through alot over the years and i'm glad that today i am better and very mentally, emotionally, and psychologically stable and healthy.

wish me luck in life; i wish you the same.

I don't care to count the years(decades?) it took me to understand the truth in this and the amount of healing it afforded me is beyond the scope of language. Every time I think about it all I find myself in the same space.. Staring off, crooked smile, streams of tears.. Followed by the laughter. When it hits at work or anywhere in public, I may get those looks from people... It only makes my smile wider.. I love them so much!

I could never imagine the bliss, having never experienced being where I was before. So in that, maybe it was necessary because I wouldn't have it any other way if I could choose, knowing this.

I appreciate your sharing. i think you understand this in a way that could certainly work towards you finding your desirable outcome. Good luck doing so.

STFU&LOVE; that is amazing. <3

Hi there JSK,

This story is very familiar with a situation that happened in my own life, not to myself but to my best childhood friend. We have been friends for 25 years now (we’re now 35) and he fell head over heels in love with a girl about 4 years ago, got engaged and it ended. He ended up slitting his wrists the night before he was due to be best man at a wedding (was more of a cry for help) and as means of comfort he took solace with a heavy coke habit. He became very competitive and jealous, and also unreliable at work due to his drug abuse and lost his job, and around this time I had a new house party and he insulted everyone there for no reason, i basically kicked him out the house and we didn’t speak for over a year. During this time his condition worsened and he also had psychosis and became paranoid and was convinced he was comuincating with God and was that people were trying to kill him. He was hospitalised for a couple of weeks and is now on regular medication which helps his condition. He too has been diagnosed as being bi-polar and manic depressive and has extreme highs and lows.

The good news is that he is on the road to recovery and our friendship is on much better terms now, and although he was totally normal before the whole thing happened, a series of events took him to a darker level, first the break up and wrist episode, then losing his job, then our fallout, then his drug abuse all culminating to his mental breakdown. These things can happen to anyone, and the link between the both of you is that you’ve gone about as low as you can go and the future can only be onwards and upwards. Like yourself, when my friend was getting ill people started to distance themselves from him, which only worsened his situation. It sounds like you’re over the worst of it, but wanted to wish you luck with your recovery anyway as I know from personal experience how this can affect those around you.