Hi, sorry for the title. I've been fairly "WTF"-ing these last days. I spend an important amount of time reading/searching about DMT/Ayahuasca, especially these last couple weeks as I plan to have my experience soon.
Anyway, what's being odd lately is that those readings influence me so much that I find myself kinda "applying" the "DMT mindset" to situations in my life and those around me.
I kinda recognize all the testimonies in my whole surroundings, myself included. The need of letting go, give in to whatever life brings to us, be grateful for the good, accept the bad and use its lessons to become a better person. Letting go of the ego that blinds us in our everyday decisions, the paths that we choose for ourselves, dictated by fear or confronting our ego and our own flaws.
I will probably delay my experience, since I've had definite signs that I would believe advocate against it happening too soon.
I've always had a difficult relationship with my mother, and it makes me very sad, we promised each other to take charge of our flaws and get psychological help, nearly 20 years ago. It was the very start of my journey to know about myself and how to become a good person. But she never held her end of the deal and never started to question her certainties, the fact that no one around her ever questions her, my step dad going with every one of her desires, being humiliated by her and saying nothing, ever, that surely kept feeding her ego.
She's not a bad person and I love her very much, but we had a fight a few days ago, and I felt like we were drifting away from each other and it saddens me a lot, I have this feeling that maybe I should let go and give in to the situation, I need to take care of my own life and I believe that, as much as I know she loves me, she has a very negative impact on my confidence.
We tend to fight every now and then, but this fight had another color to it. Lots of sadness because I started to feel that I had to let her go and just hope she'll be alright, that feel that I can't help, and if I tried, it would take me down with her.
Pretty much at the same time, things were getting also more threatening with my girlfriend, and now I'm also considering the fact that it may not work.
Of course, I also know I have those responsibilities in both situations, but in both situtations, it seems now that I'm in a place of great pain, and that distinct feeling that only faith can help me through, kinda let go of fear, anger, change my perspective about things, and just accept the challenges that were presented to me, not as attacks against me, but simply as part of my life, things I'll have to deal with. Trust that I'm prepared for whatever, let go of the frustration that "things didn't go my way" and in a sense, sit back and enjoy being a part of the ride.
In some weird way, I sense this is related to my focus on having my first touch with DMT, also where I am in my life. I think I may delay my experience until I've come to grips with these specific personal problems in my life.
Only reading about DMT/Aya already changed a bit of my perspective on life, I find it amazing in some way. I know I'm more peaceful now, facing the situations I'm in. Fear never really went away, to be honest. but maybe everything is going to be ok in the end.
I hope I don't put you in uncomfortable positions with the things I share here. But I have that feel that I need to be honest and true with you, about who I am (my experiences and outlook on them, I believe, make me who I am, which is why I share them here)