DMT, Synchronicity, and the Calling.
I never really felt normal. It is difficult when the definition of that word relies on an understanding taught to you by a world, a society, that you never thought was normal to begin with.
I had abused psychedelics and other drugs for many years. I think I only admitted to myself that I was abusing, instead of just 'using', during the last year, when things got really bad. I would would be using them almost weekly, as often as I could really.
It took a lot out of me, my health deteriorated, I lost friends, and my family was sick of it.
For me, it was an ill solution to a long battle with severe depression, something I'd been battling most my life. Well, maybe battling isn't the word to use here, not when being depressed felt like the norm to me. I was comfortable in that state. I didn't mind not being happy, not when I could hardly conceive an alternative state of being.
I think that's why I was drawn in by psychedelics. One of the few times I felt an emotion other than hopelessness, other than despair, was when I was tripping.
There was something about my DMT trips which spoke to me. They never once resembled the trips I have read from others. The only thing in common was how ineffable they were - but machine elves, other dimensions, communication with entities; none of these related to my experiences.
Instead, most my trips left me in the exact same location, but transported me into a distant future. If I was outside, I noticed self-driving cars that drove at incredible speeds - they swerved magnificently through traffic, and skillfully avoided pedestrians who were not even required to look when crossing the road. Buildings glittered in the sunlight, coated in metallics I cannot describe. A huge variety of aircraft hovered overhead, one time, 2 huge double rainbows, configured impossibly in a a side-by-side arrangement, formed an "m" across the skies of Sydney.
I could reliably trigger these trips, launching myself into future that remained on this planet, as many times as I wanted.
Other trips, when taken on the peak of a mushroom journey, would reconfigure my entire being into a simulated sort of reality where I unfolded most fantastically, like a fourth-dimensional Rubik's cube, outwards into everything.
A reoccurring voice, or message I got each time I did it was 'come on, you know what you have to do, you know, just wait for it..."
But I didn't know. What was I supposed to know? what am I supposed to wait for?
My brief attempt at describing my trips will end here. What I want to discuss involves a series of coincidences which I would call synchronicity as I understand the word to mean.
So after realizing my problem with drugs, I managed to stop their use.
It had been over 2 years since I last took anything.
I had become vegan, started living a healthier lifestyle, weaned off my depression medication, and things were finally looking up.
But my calling for psychedelics, in particular mushrooms and DMT, had always stayed with me. I knew I would revisit them one day, but only when I felt ready. This time, I would give them, and myself, the deserved respect.
I had decided to move back into my family home, it was a long time since I last saw my parents. I wanted to take my recovery to the next step, and repair the relationships with my family.
Things were good, but it wasn't long before I started yearning for a trip again. I told myself I would wait until mushroom season before heading out and seeing if I could find some.
I find that nature has a way of governing these things. If i couldn't find any shrooms, it was her way of saying 'not yet'. It will be several months until the season begins, but I am happy to wait, and perhaps the yearning will go away and I won't even feel like it then.
Synchronicity is a strange feeling when it happens to you...
Number 1
I enjoy bush walking and cycling these days. A tree caught my eye as I went by the other week. It was an Acacia tree, obtusifolia. Strange that I would stumble upon one so easily when it seemed non-existent when I was looking many years ago. I pondered if it was some sort of sign. I collected a few dead branches and twigs off the ground (perhaps enough to extract 100mg from) and put them into my bag before riding off. I had extracted DMT from MHRB before, and the process for this should not be too different.
That night I thought about all the crap I had put my family and friends through during my bout of reckless drug use. Not wanting to have a repeat of before, I discarded the branches the very next day.. It was too soon, I thought, I don't need all that again.
Number 2
As a programmer, I began working on some of my old hobby projects. It just happened that I needed something that would generate textures from flash vector files dynamically. I stumbled upon a piece of open source code which fit the bill. What was interesting was that the author had named it "Dynamically Mapping Textures" - DMT for short (https://github.com/XTDStudios/DMT)
That's funny, I thought to myself. Just a coincidence, I remarked aloud. Reading through the documentation, I find out later a post where the author jokingly makes a reference to Dimethyltryptamine. (http://gilamran.blogspot.co.il/2013/06/dmt-basic-tutorial.html)
This happened only a short time after the Acacia incident, which left me pondering about the chances of something like this happening coincidentally.
Number 3
A few days later, during a cleanup of my room, I stumbled across an old ZIP disk. I looked at the label and it was an old disk of mine that I had stored some uni work on. The thought of throwing it away crossed my mind, but I decided I might try to find a drive and retreive the contents. I set it on my shelf and forgot about it.
2 days later, while browsing gumtree for a new computer monitor, I saw an advertisement for a used ZIP drive. I looked over at the disk I placed on the shelf and picked it up. Taking out the disk, the paper label lining slipped off with it, and lo and behold - out fell a small zip lock bag with a small amount of DMT in it (~50mg).... My heart jumped. "What in the WORLD??!" I thought as I quickly picked it up and hid it back into the case.
I must have put it there although I have no recollection of doing so. Please keep in mind that when I moved out of the house over 2 years ago, my parents did a thorough cleanup of my room, finding any substance I had hidden and trashed it. They did a really good job too, the entire room had been redecorated since, and most of my old stuff, save a shelf with a few bits and pieces, were discarded.
'Ok', I thought to myself. What now?. I began to think about an organised conscience that is able to effect the happenings in this world.
I was still apprehensive about a DMT trip, and the amount I had found was enough for perhaps 1 solid trip - if I do it properly. But Not yet, I thought. Having only that much, I planned to save it until I really felt the time was right. I am in no rush, in fact, after having found it, oddly enough, I have been feeling even more apprehensive about a trip.
Number 4
3 days pass, and I find myself browsing Dmt-nexus. Not with any desire to trip, but I enjoy reading trip reports and experiences of others. The recent DMT encounters have left me with a
strange yearning for DMT again, even though I still didn't feel ready.
It had been perhaps 2 and a half years now since my last trip. I was more content with life than I had been for a long time and for the moment, I felt happy.
I was reading this great thread on Synchronocity:
https://www.dmt-nexus.me...spx?g=posts&m=271374It was a very quiet night and all I could hear was the humming of my computer. I remember looking annoyingly down at my PC tower and thinking "the fan is a little loud.."
I had upgraded the tower case only 2 weeks, prior and had fitted it with silent fans. It was an almost-free purchase I made off gumtree.
I was disappointed that it was still fairly noisy. "Must be the cpu fan". It was a huge aftermarket heatsink with a large fan attached. I had bought the computer second hand with that heatsink and fan. Seeing as how I rarely did anything besides using the internet and some programming, it was a little overkill. I looked over at the bookshelf and saw a small old OEM heatsink and fan, another item that survived the cleanout.
I had stumbled upon an old tube of arctic silver thermal paste in the garage the previous day and after quickly googling if arctic silver expires (it was probably 6 years old) and finding that it doesn't, "Perfect, I'll swap out the heatsink and fan tomorrow". I finished reading some trip reports, then proceeded to shutdown the computer as I headed for bed.
It was an oddly restless night, the hot weather wasn't helping much. I tossed and turned attempting to get some sleep - glancing at the nightstand, it was 1:01am. Not, 1:11, which I noticed I had been seeing a lot of lately. I remember being somewhat excited about switching out my cpu heatsink, and then thinking about other ways I could quieten my computer.. perhaps a fanless gpu. Another hour passed without getting any sleep and the thought had crossed my mind that I should perhaps just get up and change the heatsink right then... But I gave it a bit more time and before I knew it, I fell fast asleep.
The next morning, after downing a glass of water, I started to take my case apart. It was the first thing I did really, forgetting even to brush my teeth that morning. I don't know why I was looking forward to it so much, I guess I must have really wanted a more quiet computer! It might be hard for a regular person to understand, but after battling with depression for so long, the sheer joy you feel when you look forward to doing sometimes very trivial or mundane things gives you a sense of satisfaction that is hard to describe. This was one of those things.
As I grab the spare cpu/heatsink off my shelf which is sitting in a small, open cardboard box, I suddenly lose my grip, the box falls to the ground, the heatsink makes a loud thud and rolls out of the box. With my left hand I pick up the heatsink and with my right, I go to pick up the box, which has fallen with the open-end upside down.
"Plop!". I cannot believe it, a sealed, untouched, 1 gram packet of DMT falls out. It was flattened and hidden between a folded piece of cardboard that lined the bottom of the box. Instinctively, I pick it up and smell it. Nostalgia hits. I say allowed "What the hell? how does this happen?". I find the smaller 30mg stash and merge it with this new one and now have probably more DMT I think I will be using in this lifetime.
When I think about the sheer number of things that needed to happen for me to discover this bag of DMT, it becomes mind bending. I think back on it and realize had I not dropped the box, hard enough to dislodge the cardboard lining, I would not have found it.
In the end, I struggled to get the smaller heatsink to firmly attached to the motherboard and ended up putting the noisy one back on. When I think about it now, if I did get it on, I would have probably thrown away that box but as it stands, the box sits back on the shelf with the fan in it. Perhaps a fail-safe if I hadn't dropped it and discovered the stash, it would still be safe.
The above events all occurred within a relatively short time span.
I disregard a lot of things as coincidences but there is definitely some synchronicity going on here. This was 3 days ago and I have yet to be brave enough to attempt a trip again, but I know it must be calling me. I get this odd feeling something, someone is watching and urging me to take the plunge.
But I hope it can be patient with me until I find the courage to visit again.
Conclusion
I am convinced an energy, an intelligent conscience overseas and guides, subtly the things we experience in our everyday reality. It reassures me that our lives, the experience of every individual, has a significance, a meaning which we will one day be aware of.
In my opinion, I see this as a masterful test - how would you test angelic beings? How to test the righteousness, the integrity and benevolence of an individual without letting them know it is a test. Surely if they knew, the results would be skewed.
Perhaps the answer is what we call life.
If anyone else has had experiences where that felt as if DMT was calling, please share. I am sure I'm not the only one.
Thanks for reading!