Ill start off by saying I come from a strict Christian background. But it wasnt always like that, in fact before I turned 5 my mother was a witch apart of a blood covenant and my father was a scientologist. Both of them had somewhat similar ways of life to what I do now. Its really interesting to me, how close I am to what they were doing when they were my age. Its remarkable beyond words how little I was exposed to these ideas about spirituality and psychedelics, but how much of an impact it has on me today.

To get straight to the point of this post I have to share my second most intimate secret. I was sexually molested when I was 7 years old. And that experience was very confusing for me until I tried to join the military in 2011. It took me 19 years to realize I had been molested and it explains so much about my behavior growing up. I was angry all the time and I had a difficult time making friends and accomplishing school work. And to make matters worse it was covered up by my grand parents, the school system, and my psychiatrist inadvertently. They didnt know that happened to me but they diagnosed me as adhd and drugged me up. Thereby suppressing the real problem until its been ingrained into my psyche.

So to clarify the biggest problem I have at this point in my life are sexual relationships. And its a 2 fold issue. The first issue is what I mentioned above. And growing up it gave me a false sense of what to expect from relationships. I thought for a long time that sex is something anybody does at any age, its just something that people do in a relationship. Porn heavily influenced this way of thinking. Then along came Christianity (parents converted, so did I). It was great in some ways, like how to be a better person, help others, unconditional love ect. But its also sexually repressive. This is the second fold. It took my feelings of confused sexual intimacy and made me feel shame for it. So for almost my entire upbringing I had a really hard time connecting with others, especially women, and now I feel bad for having sexual thoughts and desires at all. Which led me to become even more reclusive, in fact it gave me an excuse not to feel bad for not being able to connect with women. Because hey im not supposed to have sex until marriage anyways right? So why date? This inevitably lead to not having any experience with dating, which compounded into not really having any sexual desires AT ALL except for brief moments of loneliness.

At this point I don't care about dating, I really dont. Its almost entirely an outside pressure that I feel from everyone else. But im trying my best to develop healthy habits. And I know now that staying sseparate and not having a partner is probably not healthy (in long run I think, or maybe just when im young like now?). I absolutely desire healthy, functional relationships (albeit non sexual but that can change I hope).

So you the reader may be asking, why post something like this to the nexus? For 2 big reasons. 1 I truly believe in the therapeutic potential for psyches, (gonna try aya soon). And 2 I essentially believe in the idea of programming (and reprogramming) ones mind towards healthier habits. And I know ive seen posts on here describing some of what ive experienced already. Besides that Im also wary of seeing psychologist and psychiatrists, I prefer to here the opinions of some knowledgeable people here on the nexus. People who have had trauma in their past and have learned to work through it.

I've had trauma. You asked "why post this to the nexus?"--past traumas, and childhood traumas in particular are very relevant to the psychedelic experience. Entheogens have helped me some....a lot, over the years, with similar issues. It's not always easy. Aside from psychedelic work being helpful for dealing with traumas, I could also mention that past traumas--especially those that have not been properly faced, can lead to some devestating trips. There's happy people out there, who don't ball their eyes half the time when they trip.

it's been a recurrent issue, for me, during aya, shroom and spice trips--that I need to get myself right with things that happened ages ago, forgive and not cling to old hurts. it's recipocal ya know? My trips are lighter and more fun if I can get over it and tripping helps me get over it.


You did not really ask a question, though.

Well I guess my onlu question would be.... given what ive posted...how should I go about getting over sexual repression in a safe environment? What is a safe environment in this case? Ive been hurt so many times in other relationships that I just dont want to be in one at all. But I have to be if I ever want to change myself for the better.

I couldnt agree more, but all my past trips have only scratched the surface so it seems. I cant wait to report back after trying aya though.

I got nothing.

I dont expect to hear the perfect answer, hell maybe I have to get hurt over and over again to heal, idk. Maybe there is no 'nerf' environment. At this point no relationship seems worth the trouble. but maybe after going through a few more I can work through this blockage. Or it will just get worse and ill end up asexual.

That's kind of what I was going to say. You are a damaged soul--still, you deserve love. I think this is the kind of thing that you need to acknowledge and face (which you are doing, it seems) and then it takes work. I'm no expert here and speak with zero authority, btw.

[quote=Doodazzle]

I never really thought about it like that, I deserve love. Ive never really felt like I deserve anything. More like im just used to a certain level of comfort and happiness so I strike to keep that standard. But not like I deserve it, idk I feel selfish thinking about it like that. Ill have to revisit this idea when I delve into the bosom of aya.