First of all, a big hello to all! And thank you for taking the time to read my first post. I sincerely hope that, over time, I can make some kind of contribution to the already overflowing wealth of information and personal experiences on this site.

I had first heard of this site several years ago through a friend who had begun experimenting with his own DMT preparations; but while I came here for a quick look-around on a couple of occasions, my interest was never held, and I largely had forgotten that this site had existed until recently. Looking back I realise that my then ambivalent feelings towards DMT (not forgetting the very title of the site) led me to believe that the only focus on the site was on DMT. As such, I did not explore any of the other facets to this online haven, and my attention went elsewhere.

I am in my early 30s, and since my teens have experimented with many different substances: cannabis; lsd; mdma; cocaine; and ketamine. Over recent years my interest has shifted to plant medicine, and I have ingested Ayahuasca approximately 20 times – both here in England and in Peru. I have also sampled salvia and dmt. Recently I have felt a keen interest in experiencing Iboga and the resulting internet searches have led me back to this site. In the last week I have spent an incredible amount of my spare time going through many of the different forums here on the Nexus. I am simply amazed at the knowledge of many of the folk here and the willingness to share their advice/tips/experiences with others. I now wish that I had looked a bit deeper several years ago, but I guess it wasn’t the time for me then.

As I have got slightly older, it has become clearer that my recreational interest in ingesting substances was never really about just getting ‘f**cked up’ – instead it came from a desire to try and make better sense of my own existence, who I am as a person, and why I am here on this planet.

As long as I can remember, I have felt that I don’t quite fit in or belong - that I am different from others. This deep pain and shame that I carry has manifested in a variety of psychological symptoms over the years: depression; anxiety; obsessive-compulsive disorder; and body dysmorphic disorder, for which I have been previously medically ‘treated’ for (merely ‘papering over the cracks’ in my case).

I have been in individual psychotherapy for a number of years now, which has definitely helped me in gaining an understanding of my earlier experiences in life and how they have shaped my life today. It has become very apparent as to just how much my rejecting and emotionally distant father has shaped my core beliefs about myself and my extreme lack of self-confidence. These deep wounds then get played out in every area of my life, and relationships are extremely hard for me. As such, I need to work extra hard in keeping friendships alive, and I am constantly battling with my reclusive nature. While therapy has certainly helped me gain insights and work at making changes in my life, the process is, unfortunately very slow (and expensive!).

It has been over a year and a half since I last took Ayahuasca, and I have been feeling a strong desire to again work with plant medicine (which definitely helped before) to help me further along my path. I am due to take Iboga at the end of the November for the first time, which is an experience which I am very much looking forward to. I have been micro-dosing Iboga root bark for about the last week with quite good results (I generally feel more positive and optimistic).

I would very much like to hear from people who have had similar experiences to mine, and whether they feel that enthogens have been of any help towards their own growth? Of course, I would also like to hear from those who may not have had similar experiences, but who just have any thoughts about what I have written.

Once again, thank you for reading and also for this wonderful site which I hope to get to know intimately in the near future.

Peace,

- Emu