Hey,

I'm new to Nexus, seeking some insight to my very personal dmt experience that has left me with many questions. Obviously, only I hold the answers, but I'm hoping someone might have an opinion, or ask some questions to help integrate.

Background:
I'm from a once, very strict religious family, gone not as strict religious in the last 15 years. I'm 22yrs old, and live with my partner and have done since I was 18.

I grew up going to church & bible studies (since about 18mths old). I stopped taking much notice once I became a teenager, but I feel there are some residual religious beliefs I'm still working through. (please know I have nothing against anyone who practices religion)

I began embarking on my psychedelic journey about 8months ago. Mushrooms first, which was a very emotional experience where my partner and I worked through all of our emotional baggage..and grew together spiritually, it was awesome. LSD a few months later, a spiritual experience, connecting with nature.. and the IS-ness.

My first DMT experience was a bit rough but amazing. I smoked it through a bong with a bit of weed.. Very much a physical response. I heaved and gagged (felt like I was vomiting up my demons) a lot & had visuals of the matrix when he pulls the cord from his mouth when he "wakes up", which left me frantically taking out my tongue bar. Something I had been contemplating doing but dismissed. After taking it out, I felt an instant feeling of relief and bliss and utterly cleansed. I felt clean, reborn. On the come down, I was brought through many memories of my childhood.

Next time I tried DMT again through a bong and some weed, It was a very cruisy ride. I had visuals of earthy tones and some entities welcoming me into a "realm". I can only assume so as I kept worrying about breathing and swallowing, which resulted in one of the entities whipping me (I even felt tingles on my face where the whip hit) telling me to concentrate.

The third trip was by far the roughest and has left me with anxiety/panic attacks and a massive fear of death. I'm not blaming the DMT (anymore) but my ego has put up a big fight with this one.

Here it goes:
This time, a lot of research and a lot of work was put into the set and setting.
(thanks to dmt -nexus)
It started nice, on a low dose hit through a joint. It was kinda like pac-man(the best way to describe it) I saw a person which was me and little machine like things cleaning the insides of my throat. I describe it as them collecting data on how to best teach me my next big lesson. (good or bad I don't know) there were Computer sounds, like dial up type sounds.
I decided to take another hit, through a bong this time, as soon as I exhaled I felt like id swallowed a fly. That's when the panic hit in. I ended up crouching on the floor. My partner said it looked like I was praying. Bowing and rising in a circular motion, if that makes sense.
I saw, a woman holding a baby in her arms - this was in a very medieval type drawing.
Then I started to hear my parents voices. I saw what I assume was myself from a 3/4 birds eye type view. I had my arms crossed. I was confronting my parents about something. Then my arm was grabbed very forcefully. I started coming back to reality, I was still bowing and rising. My partner trying to make sure I wouldn't hurt myself. What I saw was myself and someone else wrestling. I was trying to get away, but they were overpowering me. I came to and asked my partner, "did we just fight?" he answered no, but you hit your head.
I was off again, back to myself confronting my parents. I started getting sexually aroused.. my mum was telling me it was ok, but I knew that it wasn't. I kept saying no. Then I came to and asked my partner if we'd just had sex. This is when I started freaking out and refused to go back inside my head. I went to the toilet, and sat there for a while, just wigging out.
I walked back to the room but couldn't use my legs properly, I felt like a toddler walking. I laid down on the ground, saying to my partner "what have I taken?" "What are we doing?" "What have you done to me?" I slowly came back to reality.. very confused.
I integrated with my partner.. and came to the conclusion I was sexually abused after some other memories from my childhood came back. I confronted my mother about it, she was shocked.. and all she said was "we did have a lot of people coming and going from the house when you were young"

Its been 3mths since this experience and I have been terrified of any form of drug since. I began having anxiety issues and sever panic attacks. Constant fear of dying. I have also had a massive stand still in my spiritual journey .
I have gotten on top of my anxiety and panic attacks now but It was pretty rough. I found that me trying to forget about my DMT trip and my fear was causing the panic and anxiety and possibly ignoring an issue that I need to deal with. And that it was not the drugs, but my ego causing all the fear.

So I have decided to fight it head on and stop letting it rule my life. So this morning I sat down and wrote down everything I could possibly remember about the experience and the hidden issue.

My interpretation of it all is a possibility of :
-I was abused as a child. I know I was exposed to a violent family for the first 18mths of my life.
- Someone I trusted and loved over powered me and took advantage. Not necessarily sexually but maybe just of my vulnerability as a child?
- My mother has drummed into me since I was young that sex before marriage is a sin and that I would go to hell. I think maybe I had been feeling guilty for having sex. And my trip was a way of telling me sex is ok? With my mum saying its ok.. in my trip.

Overall, I feel like I have been suppressing something.. Is it known for DMT to unlock suppressed memories in this way?

Any insights appreciated.

Sorry it's so long.

"Is it known for DMT to unlock suppressed memories in this way?"

Yes psychedelics are known for this. Longer trips like ayahusca and mushrooms are more conducive for working through them in an integrative way than smoked dmt in general. It sounds like you got blasted with some hard to face stuff and didn't have time to come to terms with it and re-assemble yourself/perspective in light of all that. This is pretty common and theres no reason to feel bad or like the negative affects will be permanant. You can work through this and it will get much better over time.

If the events really did happen and it was that long ago i would personally focus on letting go and accepting that the past is the past, you can't change it... but you can accept it and move on in a good direction, and be stronger for having faced it. I'm sure you realize that though. We all have our history to come to terms with, and you are fully capable of moving on in your path and growing without that becoming a hang up

DMT can be pretty shocking (drastic understatement). The shock of it istelf can leave some people feeling fear/anxiety for a time. I would spend some time in nature, with your loved one, or doing whatever it is you enjoy most. Eat good food, drink lots of water, do some frequent yoga or meditation if you cant...writing, reading, etc..Whatever you can to start taking steps to ground yourself and move into a good direction. There isn't much good in dwelling on something like that which can't be changed. So maybe it'd help to get your mind off of it

if/when you decide to try psychedelics again i'd recommend starting with a lower end dose of something like mushrooms or ayahuasca. Or even lsd or cacti. Don't rush yourself though, take time and re-calibrate. It can be tricky to get back into it smoothly after an experience that leaves you filled with anxiety for weeks afterwards.

peace :]

universecannon: Its funny how I know very well the past is the past, its kind of my mantra.. but reading it now, from you, it has really hit home.

Thank-you for your time, I really appreciate it.

Love and light.

This is a tough one and obviously no one at the nexus can fully understand your position without being you. I can say though I have had dreams where things around me have influenced my dreams as I have slept. I recall one situation where I dreamed I was being pinned down and attacked. This seemed real and I was fighting back in my dream.

Turned out my girlfriends legs were over me I had kicked her off in my sleep and she woke me wondering what had happened and why I was struggling.

I have also had a couple of dreams where I was falling which resulted in me actually being woken by hitting the ground.

Sometimes what we experience during a trip can be influenced by past events, current concerns and real external things being misinterpreted by an overstimulated mind. I cannot say which of these happened to you but I can suggest that although this experience was not a pleasant one the best thing you can do is try and learn from it and help it make yourself stronger. Don't let it rule your life with fears.

As for the issue with mortality and death. These substances really do have the power to show you how fragile life and question what is really going on.

The Tibetans beloved that life was a perpetration for death and did not shy away from the issue. In the west we try and sweep it under the rug and as a society do not like to face up to the fact we will all be no more than dust one day. I do not believe this is healthy. We should embrace death as the final chapter in this adventure we call life.

Get our best lines in before the curtain draws and experience this short time we have to its true potential unbound by fear of the unknown.

brews maybe more condusive to clearing the past clutter. i actually did a brew to bring me back from a brew; i took too much chacruna and chaliplonga with some vine. it worked too. sage advice universecannon btw.

interesting about the tongue piercing; i wrote somewhere on here recently that i find metal hard to be around on dmt. i certainly wouldn't have ANY metal on my person during a trip.

hope you manage to integrate and move on from this.

Thank-You all so much for taking the time to reply.
Its amazing that reading things from complete strangers has helped me so much, also that there are people out there who care enough about a stranger to give them some insight.

Thank-You again.

Love and Light

Hey Hey, Just thought I'd give an update.

After talking things through with my partner I decided to have a low dose LSD trip. It was all well and dandy. I then topped it up for a little more intense a trip, but still a low dose.

My partner and I always seem to get into these deep discussions, we call them 'peeling back the conditioning'

We believe that we, as humanity, have all been conditioned in such a way that our societies have designed (intentional or not). Meaning, we don't think for ourselves and our thought processes are based on morals and fears that we have been taught as we've grown up.

We were in the bathroom having some awesome fun with the wall tiles, when everything started to turn very demonic, looking like a window into hell. My partner says 'Hey, I don't like the wall right now' I agreed and left the room. He stayed behind and kinda 'took the wall on' and asked me to join. We both glared at it trying to make it more happy again. It worked for him, not so much for me.

Then we started our analysis, as we do.
I have been told by my parents that drugs are a gateway into letting demons into your mind. The demons on the wall were sparked by my partner being concerned that I would have this fear. We came to the conclusion that the more you don't like or fear the bad, the bigger it grows. It feeds on your fear. This was a part of my conditioning. I have been conditioned to react in such a way to drugs, and other things, but in this instance drugs. Not by my parent's fault, they are just conditioned themselves. Hell only exists if you believe in it. If you fear it. (since very young, I have had that instilled into my brain, through my affiliation with religion)

The discussion continued for what felt like hours and hours, and then I began to feel the same sexual feeling I did in my last DMT experience. I started to get fearful of revisiting it, only because I didn't understand it, and what it might reveal. I fought the fear and decided to just let the feeling happen, and stop resisting it. I then had an epiphany - I felt violated.

I have been peeling back the conditioning. analysing my stance on every opinion I have and why I have it. Most stem back to my parents, and how they brought me up. I was being conditioned. I literally felt like I had been screwed over, hence the sexual feeling in my DMT experience. It also explains, the feeling of being overpowered, And the feeling of vulnerability. I came to the earlier conclusions because I did not yet have the understanding of the extent of my conditioning and how that made me feel. I don't know if any of it happened, or if it was just my mind jumping to the first conclusion it could find. The latter seems more realistic.

We are vulnerable creatures. Easily conditioned. We are here to break free of our conditioning and think for our selves and just BE. Fear is a conditioning.

I did feel that my parents were the bad guys, and how dare they violate me in this way. But, they didn't know and don't know what they're doing. They are just another agent of the virus that is conditioning.

So again, thank-you.

I'll leave you with a quote from my LSD influenced partner that came about when we were trying to figure out a way to help break humanity free of their conditioning. I feel it's pretty awesome.

"If we stop resisting conditioning we can continue to be conditioned. People need to be conditioned to question conditioning and to resist it every day"

Peace.

Whenever I feel something dark whilst I am tripping I embrace it and remind myself that there can be no light without dark everything needs to be balanced to exist in harmony positive, negative, yin and yang.. this usually turns the whole thing around dissipates any fear.

I am not sure if I really believe in good or evil I think they are an idealistic oversimplification and almost every action can have positive or negative implications depending on your perspective.

Life is just a cycle of death and new beginnings played across time and space. We make space for our children's children and one day our whole world will make way. In doing so it will take our ashes to the distant stars.

I believe the truly wise know that no one religion and no one philosophy could have all the answers. We as a people like the comfort of gods and those in power will and do over time corrupt our beliefs to suit there own means.

I say find your own path in life and live by values that you truly believe in. This is the real way to make peace in your soul.