Well the other day I recently had a trip allowing me to be aware of awareness for quite some time. I made a decision to drop everything in my spiritual beliefs and everything that made up my perspective of reality. I did this in order to almost play a game with reality to see if the same laws applied to any perception as well to see if knowledge corrupts us. I figured if I destroyed all knowledge and beliefs then a new reality could arise. This led to me having no fundamental perception of my own really and just kind of riding. This has allowed my "ego" or whatever you wish to call it to arise with vengeance. It seems are beliefs fundamentally help our subconscious guide us through and lets our mind unwrap itself with that perception into the greater mind. Now before this trip I was introspective and meditated daily for two hours, questioned reality and had a greater awareness of the world around me. Since i decided to shrink my awareness and perception to believe in nothing but whats right in front of me I can still see my own self in my perception but not on a greater introspective level. Must we see all the bad in our world or can I simply kill it out of perception and just accept it? One belief is that for our mind to function it needs to have a belief or you fall in limbo. My main reason for posting this though is I have lowered my awareness and meditation is now quite hard for me. Also I have tried programming my mind to not look at the past to remain in the present so it is difficult for me to remember moments. Among this it is now very hard for me to hear all the thoughts going on in my head. I told myself I'm just awareness so now I feel numb.
If anyone has any insight it would be greatly appreciated. My main question is in our search for truth must we see all the suffering of life or can we simply dumb ourselves down to be unaware? What is the path of truth?
Any ideas how to reawaken my awareness or brain?

i feel numb and in limbo. its hard for me to introspect back into the god head