hello,
for lack of a more fitting name i have chosen to be called daughtercat here, a name i have given the mother of many cats i knew and still know. when i am joining a new place the page holds me captive like a deer in the headlights, unable to move forward, as i feel that there is this name that describes me, and my wants, my desires, my beliefs and goals, my very place in this world. but that name is a picture, or series of pictures to me, and every time i try to find words to describe it i come up feeling cheap and give up trying. my boyfriend told me that no matter what the name, i am still me, and perhaps in that vein it doesn't matter what name one chooses for themselves. but still, there is this deep longing to be called by the right name.
once on mushrooms i felt a being, perhaps a very unburdened and playful part of myself, who called herself planetary, but in this body and in this mind i dont feel that is the right name for me either. i feel unworthy of such a strong name. i had a name i liked to go by when i was younger, but it no longer has pleasant connotations.
i have spoken far too long about names. the very entrance and no more.
i have lived in many places inside of one country. i grew up in a small rural town and everyone in my family still lives there, but i left when i was 18 and have bounced around the country every few years since then. i have left the east and moved to the west, where everything is different in strange ways. but there is a larger connection to nature and community and i like that a lot.
moving here showed me that i am stronger than i thought. i always have relied on others in the last moments, but i sold everything, packed everything, got myself a hitch and a trailer and drove across the country myself. i have job hunted and i have secured a job that will bring me knowledge and keep me busy as well as giving me 2 months off during the year to zen out. i am living in a tent on someones property right now, with an electric cord running power to my tent, a small heater and heating pad for warmth, a panini press, crockpot, and coffeemaker (procured today for the sum of one dollar) to cook with. i have wifi, a prepaid phone, and a bucket of water. the shower and bathroom are behind the cabin of the guy im renting from, and in a month or so i will move into his small trailer while i save up for an rv so that i can pay off debts and be as free as i can.
i have two cats curled up in the blankets with me right now, and a third somewhere on the property (i hope- its been just over two weeks, maybe three, since i moved here and i have not seen her once since i pulled her out of the car- please join me in sending positive energy so that she can find me in my tent. i regret that i think it is unsafe to send any identifying information but suffice to say she is a tortoiseshell cat with a big peach face and she is timid. i wish safety upon her and a swift return as winter is approaching and i miss her dearly). i have been eating from the food bank (much luck to have found it) and trying to conserve my dollars until my job pays out. i mostly moved to be closer to my boyfriend, but we still are ldr and that is hard on me. he is also much younger than i am and we struggle with many of his personality pieces that have yet to iron themselves into a more functional space. i am lonely often. but i am trying to stick things out because he is trying very hard to grow. there are times when i wish i had that type of love that everyone wishes for, though. ive earned it, if it has to be earned. but i suppose i have been my own limitation factor.
im new to entheogens, but i have been interested for a long while. last april a friend gave me my first tab of acid, and for a long while i didnt think it was working. until the moment, several hours later, when everything fell into place, where my balloon became a drum (just as it was time for it, it found its purpose), and the most beautiful rainstorm swallowed me whole. i was renewed for a while, but it slowly sapped out of me and i took uncarefully to psychedelic use for a while trying to recapture that perfect feeling of understanding, acceptance, and love. where i was healthy in my mind and body and didnt need vices, didnt want weed, didnt care for things that had caused me pain in the past. i yearned to find it again. mushrooms at five grams did nothing for me. some friends said i had weak stuff, others said i wasnt in the place to receive it properly. perhaps it was both. i took lsd, i shared lsd, i stingily hid lsd. the mushrooms made me sick every time, but i have a chronic dehydration issue (mental aversion to drinking enough?) which i believe it stems from.
i like the shapes that form in the spaces of that last paragraph when i blur my eyes *just so*
i began struggling with my anxiety more than ever due to issues in my relationship and the intensity of my last year of school. weed helped but i couldnt smoke when i was doing schoolwork, which was nearly all the time. i began watching asmr videos on youtube to feel connected and calmed and in touch with myself, and began learning meditation (though im not great at it and i dont do it right at all) and a friend began to teach me about crystals, sage use (really good at calming me down, which amazes me), and energy use.
i began to use these aids, and i began to work out my feelings of anxiety over their use as well (ego fear from self-perception of the judgment of others that my mother instilled deep inside of me). one day i told myself that i was not going to let entire days be ruined by tiny things that i decided were awful. and i was not going to tell every tiny mishap in my day to everyone who would listen. its not as if it made me feel better, its not as if they gave me the emotional pat on the back i wanted from it, and it made me a victim, a whiner, a complainer, and pushed me further from happiness. i still struggle sometimes, and catch myself in a rant when im stressed, but i find it much easier now to control it before it comes on. and my day to day life has changed dramatically. i now understand many key phrases ive heard all my life and never grasped or had the insight into how to achieve those states of mind before.
i am done with college now and truly have the time to devote to learning more about aya properly. i have read the entire newbie section here minus the faq, which will have to wait for another day as i am rather tired. i am interested in solo experiences as well as in saving up for a trip to peru or brazil (i need to continue learning portuguese!) for the teachings and experiences i can gain with the aid of those more experienced than i. i want to learn more about gardening, and though i regret that when i moved i had to leave behind all my plants, i felt so in touch with them that i think i am finally ready to begin learning to cultivate a relationship with plants of stronger knowledge. i want to keep and grow and learn from the plants, and then when they are ready, i want to harvest them. of course as of now i know nothing of how to do that, but that is what learning is for.
in the last year i have come back to the self that i was when i was a teenager, before i let the oppressive fears of being unaccepted by others push my personality into a box. i have been learning to accept myself openly, regardless of what others (or of what i think others will) think. it is hard on some days. many days. but i get better. i find it amusing how things that i was when i was younger i am becoming again, and things that i disliked for silly reasons when i was younger i crave now that i have gone out into the world and gained more experience. i wonder if it is the same for most people.
i find that i am far out of touch with the desires of most people, and always have been, but as my deeper knowledge of history, politics, and consciousness has grown, it has grown as well. there are days when i struggle with the "real world" as it is just simply a mask that i dislike having to pretend to wear. but then it makes interactions with most people so much harder to remain true to that particular value. a society like ours is not made for people like me, but yet here i am in the midst of it, trying to release the feelings that i am not "right" and accepting that the world is only what it is and i can only accept it and try to live in it how i wish to live and try to positively affect what my heart allows me to affect as i can. "do what you can with what you have, until what you have changes."
i am a lifelong learner, i am not afraid of the truth about the universe or myself, and i am trying to let my ego down and see the world from a stronger, kinder, happier place.
i am grateful for the chance to learn from those who have gone before me, thank you, more please.
(does anyone else have a crush on plants and know the plants are blushing when you pour love out of your eyes at them? then feel their love beam right back into your heart?)
i feel certain individual plants during my day call to me, and i have to touch them and spend a moment with them. i talk to them, and i ask them for love and strength and protection, and i am learning to amplify my intentions with them and cleanse with them. plants detoxify my brain and heart when i must be out in the midst of society for too long.
this was long, and perhaps too honest, but i feel that being open is part of me and i wanted to share. thank you to anyone who read this, anyone who understood some of the things i said, anyone who helps me bring my kitty safely home. tomorrow is a new day, and i will continue my education at that time.
thank you.