Hey everyone. This is my first post, so first I want to say thanks to this community for existing, because otherwise I'd have nowhere to go with all this. I'm writing this to ask for advice and input, as I've been struggling with the aftermath of a difficult experience for several years now. I tried DMT back in the spring of '09, and had a breakthrough trip on the first go. I'll get into the details of the trip in a moment, but first I'll explain a little bit about myself. At the time, I was a college student, though I've now graduated. I've been receiving medical cannabis for depression, which I've struggled with throughout a good deal of my adult life. I had used various psychedelics before, and never had what I would label an indisputably "bad" trip. I'd had difficult experiences while on psychs, but I'd always been able to work through them. They always provided something to take away, and have been catalysts for growth. I have struggled for the past four years to put my DMT experience in the same category, but the difficulty of doing so seems insurmountable.

I had first heard about DMT the previous year, and had only heard it described in anecdotes, by users and witnesses. The occasion of my use was not premeditated. A friend called me and informed me that another friend had the substance, and I expressed my interest. They waited for me to take the trip over. When I arrived, my friend was coming down. The other fellow, who is now a good friend of mine, though at the time we'd only recently met. We spent some time chatting and listening to music, in the company of his girlfriend and their two cats. It was a comfortable, warm, relaxed, and very safe place. When we came around to smoking time, he packed a bubbler and handed it to me. It was filled with weed, topped with crystalline, amber flakes. I asked how to go about it, and he said to use a high powered lighter, which he provided, and to hold it only close enough for the crystals to melt.

I did as instructed, and took it all down in one big hit. I was told later that it was somewhere between .2-.3 g, though I never saw a measurement myself. I sat back and handed the pipe and lighter back to their owner. As I sank back into the couch, the world began to pinwheel in a clockwise direction, spiraling through shades of red, yellow, and green. Almost immediately, I had the sensation that whatever this was going to be like, it was coming on very strong and very fast, and I became uncomfortable. The quiet music that was playing became distorted, and started to sound like high pitched bells and sirens. I think I said, "whoooaaahh," or something similarly insightful.

At this point, my two friends started laughing. In retrospect, I'm sure they were laughing with me, but in my confused state, (I was still having trouble seeing straight, and trying to sort out the sounds of the music) I felt that they were laughing at me. I seized upon the awful idea that this was a trap, that they knew it was too strong and drugged me up on purpose. I thought I was feeling the full effects...ha!

The paranoia about my friends intentions vanished in an instant, along with everything else, and I found myself disembodied, floating in a void of indefinite proportions, regarding an indescribable sight. A sort of five sided obelisk was slowly rotating in front of me, each side lit up with a different color. On its sides, or panels, intricate spirals and curves swarmed around each other, each now lighting up, now fading back to dimness as iridescent lights of every color imaginable wove back and forth with unbelievable speed and grace. They may have sometimes crossed over each other, but their boundaries were impossibly precise. No human hand could ever have drawn or built anything of such precision. The places where these crawling lights met or overlapped were so perfectly distinct that the different colors of their light didn't even interfere with each other. A golden key was stuck into the top of the obelisk, and it seemed the entire structure rotated around it. This thing was HUGE, I mean it filled my entire field of vision, and I felt like I was pretty far away from it, so I somehow willed towards it, desiring to see it close up.

The entire feeling of the situation instantly changed from impersonal wonder to personal scrutiny. Suddenly I had the feeling of being towered over by heavy, (that's the only word I can think of to describe it, like their presence pressed on me) shadowy beings. I couldn't see them, exactly, but the impression of their form, in my disembodied mind's eye, was simply dark and indistinct. Though they didn't speak any words, it seemed they were asking me, in a very mocking way, something like, "Oh yeah? Is that what you want? You want to see it up close?" There's no way to render into words the degradation that accompanied their questions, but they were very callous and bullying, and I was so confused already that I no means of orienting myself to deal with it. I sort of hesitated and just thought, "I don't know," or something along those lines.

Suddenly, it was like one of them said, "Fine, LOOK!" and I was plunged into the glowing structure, only it wasn't glowing from the inside. I was in one of the curved "tracks" followed by the crawling lights that wove across the panels. From within, the track was just a simple, repetitive loop. I felt I was something like a ball rolling along the loop, but this is a vast oversimplification. The loop was a loop of experiences, and while I had the spatial awareness of rolling through the loop like a ball, I also had the emotional awareness of passing through those experiences in a fixed order. In essence, I was living a and dying a death, on fast forward, over and over. I noticed that there was some variation to the life, but it generally followed the same pattern. Also, I never got visuals, just the raw emotional content. The visual was the ball in the loop part. This became very painful very quickly, for two reasons. Firstly, the life was (predictably) full of fear, anger, and sorrow as well as joy, love and happiness. Secondly, it always ended the same, in death, a moment in which I disappeared to my own perception, but not, apparently, to the perception of the shadowy puppet master who ruthlessly re-inserted me into the life-loop again, and again, and..you get the picture. As this continued, the anticipation of the loop's painful moments, and of the inevitable, now rapid fire death experience, became so strong that a tertiary awareness developed - that of me in dialogue with the shadow being again, as I desperately struggled to get free of the trap. He (he was definitely a he) seemed to be asking if I'd realized the futility in my desire to understand what I'd seen yet. Because I was being tortured, and wanted it to end, I said that yes, I had. "Good!" he seemed to say, "So we'll just cut you off then."

I then felt as if a snuffer was being lowered over my, for lack of a better word, soul. Like my center of perception was being smothered by unstoppable waves of freezing, inky black oblivion that poured into me and stifled me from the inside out, while cutting off all hope of escape from every surrounding angle as well. The only "real world" analog I can employ is suffocation, though this felt much, much worse. I guess I sort of screamed, in whatever capacity a disembodied, free floating center of perception can scream, and just as it seemed the darkness was about to slam all the way shut and I would disappear altogether, he suddenly plunged me into a new, different life-loop instead of finishing me off. Now, at first, this was a welcome chance, and it was different from the last loop, so it was okay for a while. As you might expect, though, it presented the exact same problem as the previous loop. After a few times through I was dreading the pain and death again.

So, me and "friendly" went through this process quite a few times. Each time, I would be worn down by the impersonal torture of the loop until I became aware of the over soul type dialogue between me and the monster, and begged for it to end, and each time he would bring the hammer down on me. Sometimes it was the smothering, other times I felt like he poured into me from everywhere at once and then ripped me apart from the inside out, other times he towered over my like a skyscraper and smashed me like an ant, the ways this guy had for killing me were endless, and many of them were also disgusting...which is odd, because I didn't have a body, but somehow he managed to make it disgusting as well. It was clear he had a talent for this and knew what he was doing. Another aspect of him was that he just inspired terror and revulsion altogether, just by being there, though it's hard to say, in retrospect, if this was inherent to him, or if I just built this association through our interactions.

The quality of the trip thus flip-flopped between impersonal and personal, cyclical and linear, reincarnation and final death, respectively. It seemed to go on forever, I have no idea how many cycles of this we did. Maybe it was as few as one hundred, but it felt like millions. Every time, I'd balk as the curtain of final death was dropping, and be put back in another loop, which I'd inevitably "outgrow," becoming aware of the shadow being again, and beg for release from. In addition to all this, I vaguely recalled, somewhere in the depths of my consciousness, that I'd done something to bring this on myself. Whether I was thinking about smoking, or moving towards the obelisk, or both, I don't really recall. I don't think I clearly knew at the time, either. As you might expect, I cried, I screamed, I begged, I swore I would do absolutely anything for it to stop, I prayed (though I've always been skeptical about the existence of God), only to be told that the only God (never mind that there were definitely other shadow beings, at the start. For a while it seemed some of them hung around to watch, but as time went on the all drifted off, probably to go torture other poor trippers) I'd ever find could solve my problems with a nice quick serving of total annihilation, if I'd so desire.

Well, I've gone on at length here, and I'm sorry for that. I'll try to keep the rest of this brief. Eventually, this process ground down all of my resolve, and emptied my last reserves of strength. I fought against the final darkness for, quite literally, as long as I possibly could. I didn't come to a realization that giving in was a better choice, I literally had to have every drop of will squeezed out of me. Finally, as he started smothering away my existence for what seemed the umpteen zillionth time, I found myself not so much unwilling as no longer able to resist. I just floated there, motionless and silent, feeling crescendos of terror flood through me at an ever increasing rate as the very core of my perception and being was snuffed out like a candle. It happened, and there was nothing. No light, no heaven, no hell, just nothing. A moment in which I disappeared from my own perception, and cannot possibly describe, because there was no "me" there to describe it. I still have no idea if I spent a milisecond in that moment (or place, it somehow felt very much like a place, as well as a moment) or 10 billion years. To put it simply, I was not.

Well, at some point, I don't know when, because of what I said above, I became aware of a bright light that swiftly wove a pattern, spelling the word Imagine before me in script. I suddenly realized that I was capable of imagination. Had I always been capable, and not realized it, or was I suddenly granted that capability after it had been taken away? Was the word written by the hand of the same Big Bad who had sent me, with such torturous deliberateness, into the long night, or was it a message from someone new? I still don't know the answers to these questions, as the first thing one experiences after having been dead is very profound and defies investigation, as a sense of self, and therefore a point from which to investigate, has not yet been formed. Anyway, I started to imagine as I hard as I could. My imagination was like an engine that had trouble starting. All I had to go on was the darkness I'd just come out of, and the bright light that had spelled the word. I didn't remember anything else. I tried, sputtered, stalled. It seemed like little sparks of light were flying off to every angle from a circular center, whenever I tried, but I couldn't quite get them to turn the full circle. This, I was sure, would have "started" me.

I did this a few more times, and finally got something going. Bluish green lines started to extend towards me from the center of my field of vision, connected by what looked like a mesh of grey, liquid, siding. It formed a tunnel which opened towards me, and a wrapped present with a bow came tumbling out. The top popped off, and out fell this floppy, stuffed looking white rabbit. He immediately turned into a real rabbit and started running down the tunnel. I followed after that rabbit with all my heart. He seemed like such a comforting sight, and as I followed him I began to recall more and more of what I'd just been through. This led to near panic attacks every time I felt that I'd "stalled," for at those moments, the rabbit was lost to sight ahead, and the tunnel receded before me. I would desperately start imagining again - by the way, I wasn't imagining anything specific, it was more like cranking my imagination into overdrive and trying to pour out as many zany images as I possibly could in as little time possible. The effort of it seemed overwhelming at first, but as we went on, I gained strength. Soon, I was running strong without stalling or stopping to rest. I caught up to the rabbit, and he was gone, but I felt alright, because something beautiful had come into sight ahead of me - the real world!

I tried desperately to return to reality, but it was slow. I kept slipping back out and having to imagine in overdrive again. Everything still looked tripped out. The colors in my friend's room were clearer and sharper, but also the shadows. I felt that I had no strength to move, and could barely breathe. Suddenly, from somewhere, a sense of my old self came pouring back in. My spine straightened, and I sat forward, pounded my fists down to my sides and roared. I mean I YELLED at the TOP of my lungs, and for as long as I possibly could. It was horribly inappropriate, and in retrospect, very embarrassing.

My friend's neighbors were probably scared out of their wits. It was basically involuntary. All the anger and fear that I'd bottled up against the shadow being came pouring out in that howl, as I regained control of my body. My overwhelming instinct was to pound that SOB into a pulp. Of course, he was safe back in trip-world where I'm powerless and he's God, so..bah. I leapt to my feet, and found myself suddenly confused that there was no avatar of ultimate evil for me to pummel with my punishing fists of justice. I took about two steps to my left, looked around wildly, managed to yell, "WHITE RABBIT!" and then sat back down on the couch, feeling extremely confused. I began to reflect, immediately trying to make sense of my experience, but there were so many aspects of it that I shied away from thinking about. The paranoia about my friends having set me up had returned, now that I had returned, and had recognized them as my friends. In fact, it was much stronger, now that I'd gone through the trip. I was unsure whether I'd returned to reality, or was simply in a mirror world constructed by the shadow being, wherein I would eventually die the ultimate death, and that there was no way back to the real world. I tried to focus on the positive realizations that arose at the same time...there were trees outside, for instance. I thought I'd really like to see a tree, since I'd just spent an unbelievably long time in psychedelic hell, where there are no trees, grass, squirrels, birds, or anything natural to the planet Earth, at all.

I didn't tell my friends how horrible of an experience I'd just had, because in that moment I didn't trust them. The friend who'd hooked me up leaned over at some point shortly after the trip and said, "just remember, it came to you." I am sure he spoke with the best of intentions, not realizing I'd had a nightmare of a trip, but those words terrified me in that moment. After a while, though I didn't divulge any details, he must have seen that I was having trouble processing, and was still very excited, because he rolled me a blunt, which I smoked down all by my lonesome. I don't remember much about taking my leave, perhaps because of that blunt, but I was extremely uncomfortable, not only for the rest of the night, but for weeks and months afterward. Four years later, I am still wrestling with the experience.

I have smoked DMT several times since then, but I am always careful to use a very small amount. I only take enough to get some visuals while remaining fully embodied. Any time I try to slowly increase what I'm smoking towards the threshold of another breakthrough experience, a sense of dread and anxiety and deja vu begins to wash over me, growing stronger the more I smoke. It seems like there are voices (some friendly and some not so much) warning me against "going," and letting me know I'll find myself right back where I was before. In short, I feel like I'm being told, "You're not allowed in. You're no good, you're dirty, so if you come in we're gonna punish you." by the bads, and the goods are like, "we're good, so we can't really stop them, we just hang out and be good, so you should probably just chill...sorry."

Well, that's that. So why did I write all this? Firstly, I'd like to reach out and ask if anyone else has had a similar experience. PM me or...uhh, does this board support PMs? I didn't check.. Secondly, I want to ask for advice. What do people here think. Should I continue to try? Should I brave another breakthrough/blastoff experience, at some point, if it comes my way? Thirdly, how to other people see and relate to my story? What does this mean to you, through your way of interpreting trips, life, reality, etc.? To be fair, I'll give my own point of view. I am a very skeptical person. I don't really believe in a spirit world. I think this was an episode that occurred, somehow, within my own consciousness as my my brain struggled to keep my ego standing under the weight of a heavy hallucinogen. But, I'm open to, and in fact very interested in hearing, other interpretations. The trip itself was far from equivocal. It was very personal, very direct, and full of many layers of meaning. While my skepticism leads me to dismiss claims of the supernatural, the irony of this experience is that the same skepticism leaves me inclined to dismiss putting this all down to neurological activity. I mean, that evil shadow dude was consistent from life-loop to life-loop It's very difficult for me to decide how to think about this, and I guess that's why I'm asking for input - from all angles. I'd be interested to hear from anyone who can tell me more about how DMT works neurologically, especially what areas of the brain contain the receptors is activates. I'd be equally interested to hear from anyone who can help me to place this trip in any kind of mythic, religious, or metaphysical context. In a word, I guess what I'm saying is..HELP?!

It's been four years and this episode still haunts me. It seems to me than any way you slice it, all I can take from this are feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. I stumbled into the whole experience ass backwards, I went floating around in trip-space with no idea what I was going, I got completely PWNED by what seemed an extremely wise, ancient, and cunning, (though evil) being, and ultimately didn't even get myself out of it. I got bailed out by a white rabbit! If this was real, then...I'm at a loss, I might as well just curl into a ball and die, because I'll never measure up to the spirit world. If this was all just happening in my mind, then that's no good either, because that means I somehow think of myself as deserving all that punishment, but that's not a conscious part of my ego...so where's that coming from and what do I do about it? I consider myself an alright person. I'm far from perfect, and I've been terrible in my worst moments, but I do reflect on myself and try to improve as I go on.

Some of the worst comments I've gotten, when trying to explain this experience to others, have been along the lines of, "well, you were doing something bad in your life, so that's why it happened." I can tell you that nobody ever deserves what happened to me. Maybe what we deserve doesn't matter...maybe "deserving" things is nonsense anyway. In fact, as far as I'm concerned, it is. This one kid came into my kitchen and within like 5 minutes of meeting me, he was talking all excitedly about his DMT experience, how me met all these beings who loved him and showed him that death was nothing to fear, and the other side was all compassion. I tried, politely, to bring up my own very different experience, and he told me, in so many words, that I'd "deserved" it. This after having known me for five whole minutes. The nerve of some people...I damn near started deserving it right then and there, let me tell ya, but being a man of restraint, I ended up turning the other cheek.

So, please no telling me it was all my fault and I did something wrong and this was somehow the "just" punishment for my misdeeds. Sorry for being all defensive, I've just heard that one enough times. Any insight aside from that, however, would be most welcome. OK, I'm feeling that I've started to ramble, so I'm going to wrap this up. If you've stayed with me, thank you VERY MUCH for reading.

P.S. I want revenge! If any of you is, in reality, a super spirit warrior badass who can show me how to get back to where I was, and stomp a mudhole in that big shadowy ominous jerkbag's face, DO TELL!! You will earn my undying loyalty for ever!!!

First of all, welcome to the forum and thank you for gifting us with a most remarkable experience report.

Some random thoughts:

What struck me most about your experience was the struggle – the struggle to get out of the “loops”, the struggle to avoid annihilation, the struggle to “imagine”.

Learning to let go is a tough lesson, but being able to fully let go is very valuable when working with DMT. It seems to me that your first experience was a deep lesson in learning how to let go.

DMT experiences are what they are. Our interpretations affect us as much as or more than the experiences themselves.

I view your shadow being as a teacher, and the lesson was quite simple: Submit. Learn to let go.

I choose to never interpret the beings I encounter as “evil”. There are lessons to be learned in hyperspace, and sometimes they’re very harsh lessons. But once learned, you have grown. And that growth can reflect or manifest itself in your everyday life.

There’s a scene in the film “Jacob’s Ladder” where the main character is told that, when we struggle for life, “beings” seem like evil monsters, thwarting our efforts. When we let go, those same beings reveal themselves as angels, guiding us forward. It’s all how we interpret our experiences.

Valuable tools for hyperspace: Compassion, love, and serene submission. When being annihilated, serene submission comes in very handy. And even when the “I” is gone, there is a core of love and compassion that remains.

Thank you for sharing this with us. I should say first that I have not experienced such an ordeal myself, not even close, so you can take my comments with that in mind.

First of all, if your estimations were correct, you took a tremendous dose. 200-300mg of smoked DMT would knock some people over into a full blackout. Even if you didn't get it all in, you had a huge dose.

This is to mean that your own inability to cope and let go had probably a lot to do with the fact the effects caught you absolutely off guard. It's true that we don't get to run the show at our leisure, but even so there has to be a part of our self that, before smoking and as the effects come up, decides to bow down, exhale and observe. Gibran2 put it perfectly what letting go means already. Seems that in your case you did not have the chance to do it, and I don't think you should blame yourself for that.

Obviously, I don't think that justice, reward or punishment are traits of DMT. DMT is a simple molecule, and it's our chemistry+consciousness that plays. Since interpretation and set are such a big part of the whole experience, some people may read a tough trip like "deserving it", like a heads-up (self-)slap, but attributing to the experience an objective sense of justice, somehow out of yourself, seems partial. We could argue about the correspondence between the self and the absolute and so on, but that would be another story.

A kid telling you that the reason of your experience is that you deserved it, and besides the fact he was judging out of his ass and without knowledge, wanted to believe that the reason of his luminous and loving experience was that he deserved it as well. It's too easy to opt for an interpretation of the facts when it suits you. And doing that goes against one of the first deep lessons you can find in entheogens, one that says ego is a joke.

What you saw in your trip was part of your self. Inside of that self there's love, acceptance and light as well. Then, there's the shadow. A manifestation of the shadow of that magnitude can ask for a long, tough task in order to integrate, but at the same time the lessons and rewards can be enormous. And in my experience, it has to do more with accepting than understanding, with enjoying the questions more than allowing them to keep you sleepless.

I hope you can experience the light so you can have a better map in mind. Accept the fact you are scared, don't struggle with it, it's not your fault. Observe and meditate.

And welcome to the Nexus.

Very very good trip report and welcome to the Nexus.

That sounds like a hefty dose you took there; 0.2g is waaay too much to load into a device.

You write really well and your description resonates with me, particularly the challenging and vaguely mocking sense of 'So you REALLY want to see this? Here you go!'As Gibran2 has stated, its about being able to let go and surrender to what ensues and I think its got nothing to do with you "deserving" to have such a torrid time.

DMT is serious business particularly at the higher doses; on 50ish mg Ive experienced that mocking telepathic broadcast and the thought of trying to resist that makes me shudder.Trauma would inevitably result from any attempt to resist.

Serene submission to quote Gibran2 is the way to deal with a breakthrough trip, and of course considering your dose is of paramount importance.

Once more, welcome aboard.

I can relate to the experience of an entity putting me in a sequenced loop, moving along a track. It can indeed be quite unnerving. I don't think I've ever had as many loops in a row as you indicate. While the loops have made me ponder the circle of life, I don't let them get to me. Sometimes your mind can be your worse enemy, analyzing the experience from the inside out against your own good. On one loop which I remember describing as sort of being like running the tracks of the inside of a pinball machine, only in this variation, everything had this sandpaper texture to it. Since I sort of was connected to the whole scene, my entire being felt like moving through sandpaper over and over again along the sequence in 3x fast-forward. Quite unpleasant indeed! Have you done any research on obelisks? Perhaps consider studying some Egyptian obelisks and the metaphysical beliefs associated with them, and perhaps that might help to contextualize and integrate your trip...I think you might find some relevance starting with some research on the "djed pillar".

Thank you for sharing your very difficult experience.

As Vodsel already said, you took an extremely high dose....I don't even know of veteran DMT users smoking that amount at once. There is a reason why proper dosage according to body weight, experience, and other factors is so very important. (some people need a slightly higher dose than average to breakthrough, some people need the average amount, some people need less.)

I am not at all experienced when it comes to DMT breakthroughs, but there was something you said that made me wonder if it played a part in your experience.



It seems that after you had this thought, that things got terrifying for you, even if at first, it appeared to be the start of something very interesting. I think, and this is only one person's opinion, and should not be taken as fact or truth, that that seed of insecurity and self-doubt might have shown itself as the ''evil'' being in your experience.

I also do not subscribe to the idea that we deserve bad things to happen or deserve good things. Our choices can make certain things happen for good or for bad, but they are simply a natural consequence, not karma, not fate, not punishment or reward. (Our society has yet to let go of this very ingrained concept of punishments and rewards, it is extremely detrimental to our happiness and growth as a species.)

Perhaps you can try seeing your experience from a different perspective. Perhaps you can see and assimilate into your consciousness that the set and setting were not ideal, especially for such a huge dose. I am appalled that your friends laughed at you, it doesn't matter that they may have just been laughing at your reaction, which struck them as comical; they were immature and unwise to not have the presence of mind to keep their reactions to themselves, be still and silent, knowing full well you could still hear them and that you were under the control of a psychedelic.

I also think it was the fear of letting go, that kept the cycle of life and death to happen over and over again, only when you finally relinquished control that it finally gave you one last lesson - showing you that letting go meant no more pain, no more suffering, just nothingness.

And only once you finally let go, that you saw a white light and then your white rabbit.

I think the primary lesson to take away from this experience is that letting go, for you, is extremely terrifying, and also it seems that your fear of death played a part in the experience. Perhaps your teacher, whom you saw as evil, was simply trying to show you over and over again that there is no need to fear death. In order to overcome our greatest fears, we have to face them, and face death you did. But considering you fought them and fought them and begged for it to stop, they did not stop until you stopped struggling. Until you accepted it and gave over control.

There are so many negative aspects of our society that we are taught from birth - pain and hurt = revenge, which is simply pain and hurt that is wanted to be inflicted back on to the person who hurt us. Wars are a good example of this. And it can start with just one person and one act of hurt against another and it escalates because that person brings their friends to help them get revenge and then the attacked party gets their friends to attack back.

Nothing good comes out of getting even or getting revenge. Nothing. It might feel like it will make you feel better to make them pay for hurting you, but it will only feed your grief, anger and pain. It will not lessen it. It will not quell it.
What you need to do is make peace with the being. See them, not in a negative light, but see them as a part of you that was teaching you, albeit in a very powerful and painful manner, to let go.

They saw in you how much need you have to fight back, to hang on to your ego, your pride, and they had to strip that away so that you could learn and grow. To learn the value of humility and respect of self. I think you've probably experienced in your past, things you have done that you are ashamed of, deep down, and I think that is where your view of the ''punishing'' aspect of the experience comes from. Maybe deep down, you feel you need to be punished, but at the same time, you also rebel against that idea, because it's degrading, it's humiliating and you already feel bad and feel regret, so naturally, the thought of being punished on top of that, seems rightly unjust, unfair and unkind.

I hope you can take away from all of this that you need to make peace with yourself, and with your past. You need to forgive yourself and others who have hurt you, because people who hurt others, are also just hurting and taking out their pain on others. Granted, some are psychopaths and incapable of empathy or feeling for others and relish and enjoy seeing others in pain or inflicting pain on others, but I am not talking about them. I'm talking about psychologically ''normal'', feeling people who are just acting out and continuing the cycle of violence they learned, being unaware that they can and should stop the cycle.

Sorry this is so long, thank you for reading all of it....

Wishing you peace, and the courage to try again to breakthrough. I think that considering you will not be taking such a huge dose, and you know that letting go won't harm you, you won't re-experience what you did.

Tranquil.

Thanks for your replies. It's been a long time since I really spelled out how that trip went to anyone, and I'm glad I decided to join and post. I can certainly agree that regarding the entire event as a learning experience is the most sensible and productive perspective. I didn't realize, even until now, that between .2 and .3 g is such a large dose.

At the time, I had no experience whatsoever, and the friend who administered the spice was not yet very experienced, either. He also might have been tripping at the time. He later said more had "fallen out" of the container than he expected, and that he'd taken some off, but had left, in his estimation, somewhere around the amount I mentioned. He told me all that after I'd finally talked to him about what the trip was like. When he told me, I inferred from the way the said it that this was a large dose, however, I had no idea until reading your replies that it was really that large.

It's definitely true that things turned for the worse after I thought that my friends were out to get me. At this point, I'm fairly uninterested in trying to break through in the company of other people. It's not that I actually think people have bad intentions, just that they always fidget and fuss and can't be relied upon to sit still and keep quiet.

I also realize some of the language I used in the post may be a little bit unclear. In using the word "evil," I was seeking to describe how the event felt, subjectively, in the moment of occurrence. Retrospectively, I don't actually believe that any particular aspect of the trip was "evil" any more than I believe it was "good." This perspective, that good and evil are merely subjective experiences, has served me well in life, however I often ponder whether there isn't an element of self-deceit involved. After all, no matter how I strive for objectivity, I can never have anything but subjective experiences. In this sense, the best I can do with a "bad" experience is to derive a way of thinking about it that enables assimilation and growth, but I cannot change the nature of suffering. In this sense, good and bad will always remain.

Also, I do apologize, but I have a facetious nature. I don't actually want revenge, I was just joking about that . I've always been something of a prankster. I can't help it, it's been a part of me since I was a kid, so the manifestation of the shadow being, the mocking tones of our discourse, the belief that I had, right up until I was totally squashed, that this was really it, all were sort of like the ultimate annoying prank on myself. When I first came out of the trip, I wanted to fight because I found myself in a small room with my back to the wall (literally, and just previously, figuratively as well) and my fight or flight response was cranked up to the max. It wasn't from a place of personal hatred. My personal feelings, once I was sober enough to be in touch with them, were gratitude that it was over and I wasn't actually dead, mixed with apprehension and anxiety about the reality I occupied.

I definitely think all of you are right in pointing out that the biggest thing to learn from the experience is how to let go. Well, that and the dosage thing, and the two probably did go hand in hand. Submission is not easy for me. The main obstacle is belief in who or what ever I'm submitting to. I have high standards! Perhaps because of that, a part of myself wanted to demonstrate that there is sometimes no choice but to submit, like it or not. I think what's really key is being able to recognize when it's important to submit, and when to stand your ground. The intensity of the trip made that impossible for me, which makes more sense to me now.

I will definitely check out more obelisks, though I've never seen a real world analog for what I saw during the trip. It was five sided, and all the sides slanted in towards the top, and the bottom, but it was hard to see the bottom half because it was overshadowed by the top, since the strongest light source was the glowing key stuck in the very top of the structure. There was a also a narrow, flat, middle section between the slanted panels.

Again, thanks to everyone for responding.

I mention the djed pillar as it is significantly implicated in Osiris' death-rebirth narrative (wasn't exactly an obelisk though, but wasn't exactly an actual thing either probably). When you say that it was a five sided obelisk, then you mean it was shaped like a pentagon as opposed to the more standard 4-sided obelisks which would have the pyramid sitting on top? The top portion was not pyramid shaped?

It was like a pentagon, yes. At least, if seen from the top. It was widest in the middle of its vertical access, where it had a narrow vertical section. Above and below that, the five sides slanted towards the top and bottom poles of the object, but they did not meet. The top and bottom were flat, like a pyramid without a capstone. Now that I think on it, it gives the impression of a giant, symmetrical spinning top. It spun very slowly, though. The key was stuck right in the center of the flat top. If there was anything stuck into its lower pole, I didn't see it. The lower half was shadowed, because the key at the top was very bright. It seemed like the key was creating a very bright light through the pressure of its connection to the rest of the structure. It seems right that the lights on the rest of it might have gone out without the key.

Nicely written, and as expected some excellent and compassionate responses, but really, it was your own fault plain and simple! You didn't research the substance properly and you trusted your "buddies" to dose for you. Be happy that they weren't setting you up with a mega dose of DMT's big brother 5MeO.

I just want to chime in with another thank-you for the articulate report. It would be a terrible shame I think if this experience got the better of your self-confidence in any way. Few people will ever understand first-hand such a harrowing adventure as you endured, and I'm personally grateful to have your own story in my database of DMT's wilderness. The agonizing fast-forward loop of death-and-rebirth is a recurring theme with dissociatives. I've heard of similar stories come out of ibogaine, salvia, ketamine, and very high doses of the traditional seratonin-psyches (shrooms, LSD, mescaline).

Regarding integration, it seems you're well on your way, and it's been said already, but I think the chief issue here is the dosage amount. I remember hearing from Daniel Siebert about his experience with Salvinorin A when he chemically extracted it in his early experiments with the plant. He doesn't advise anyone to smoke the pure powder as, in his view, it's too powerful, too fast, too strange, and generally too difficult to integrate in any meaningful way.

Your entity reminds me a bit of the "Awareness-holders" mentioned in the Tibetan Book of the Dead. Deities are described as having both peaceful and wrathful appearances, depending on where in the bardos they're met. Peaceful in the early ascending stages, where the deities are essentially trying to help the traveller along the path to buddhahood. Wrathful in the later descending stages closer to rebirth. The wrathful appearance has to do with the traveller's ancient habits, with all the weight of karma and self-doubt and negativity giving rise to fearsome, angry, consuming visages of the deities. Your entity sounds far more like a trickster, but nonetheless something like a guardian on the gates of Samsara. It seems to me that the five-sided structure represents a vessel or housing of the very nature of cyclic existence itself, the living-suffering-dying realms.

The book of the dead has some advice regarding these entities (and many more besides):
Accept that they are a natural expressive manifestation of your own awareness, an aspect of yourself. Though "higher" beings, the eye that is experiencing them is your own. No matter how fearsome or powerful they may seem, there is a compassionate acceptance available for all beings based in this truth of connection.

The book teaches that you hold this entire realization as a mantra, a knowing that will always be available to you.

My own advice:
Remember the limitless utility of witness observation. When you decide to go back in for another (lower dose!) breakthrough, set your intention before you go in. Spend some time beforehand meditating on this intention of acceptance, of being receptive, and invite into yourself all that is compassionate healing. There is so much good music in the cosmos - Find a mode of loving serenity and calm acceptance before going in. And then, strapped onto the rocket and during the wild trip, take no pilot seat except for the watcher - be the observer of your own experience, whatever happens. You need exert no will, no matter how astonishing or painful. Be an open goblet, and should your cup overflow, let it overflow.

Anyway, you've been farther and deeper and took a harder trip than most, and thanks so much for sharing the experience. It got me thinking lots of interesting thoughts and that's damned valuable. I wish you the best going forward!

Woah man that sounds like it was a very intense experience. I'd say that it will have been the dose you had that caused that difficult experience. I think Gibran gives the best advice, always submit to the experience. It can be harder said than done but when you finally do it the trip a lot of the time reverse and from the ashes of your previously hellish experience emerges a beautiful one. Like a few have said in this thread entities can have both good and evil appearances. To interpret a being as evil I think it probably a bad idea. As hard as this is to face our conception of evil is entirely subjective. I think that a lot of teachers are stern sometimes because some lessons cannot be learned nearly as effectively in a nice way, it is the overcoming of the difficulty that is the lesson.

Thank you so much for sharing your report, I think it's important that people share their difficult experiences. Yours is one of the more difficult I've heard and so I wish you the best of luck in overcoming your anxieties about your experience.

As for dosing next time, if you choose to do so, try to set the space by burning incense and playing some soft medatative music. I know that this may sound silly but I'd consider a breakthrough dose again perhaps. I've found that occasionally a fair bit of negativity comes out in sub-breakthrough doses and so that might be why when you've done it again you've felt like hyperspace didn't want you so to speak. Go at whatever pace feels right, be it baby steps or the big leap back into hyperspace because ultimately you know deep down what you're ready for or not.

A.